To tell ExH I don't want DC to be left with his DP's teenage boys?

[Jessie1980]

After being at their DF on their last visit they met his DP and her DC, 2 of which are boys 14 & 15.
They told me they had gone down to the beach on their own with one of the boys, AIBU to be concerned about this? ExH lives just on the beach but would not be able to see them from the house. My worry is that they had only just met the boy, I dont know him, they dont know him and my ExH has only known him around 3 months. Our DC are DD5 and DS7.

After what happened with the 16 year old and 5 year old girl on the isle of bute, you cant help but worry about these things.

I'd be far more concerned that the two teenage boys wouldn't watch the younger children properly, and that your two could wander off into the sea and get into difficulty.
It's a big responsibility to watch two probably minimal or non-swimmers who will likely want to get into the water at some point.

This is sad to read. Ds1 is the age of the older step son of which you speak. He goes to lots of parties and I socialise with the parents of his current football team and his previous one. So I've met about 70 or so 15 year olds. All really nice, top grades at school etc. Nice generally.

I'm having 7 boys this age to my house tonight for a sleepover, to watch the champions League final. Do you think I'd do that if I thought Ds2 was at any way at risk? Of course not!!

Ds1 is Reliable at looking after Ds2 and also younger children and cousins. Nothing like what you infer.

Occasionally you get a bad'un. An abuser. But most kids aren't. Shame you think that way.

I had to de lurk and break a massive pact to myself but I had to stay something about this post.

Some people are nice some aren't. Everyone here is talking about calulating risk whether you know it or not.

To me, nothing's worth the risk of someone interfering with my daughter. I do not care how ridiculous I seem. It's my job to protect her.

To the survivors on this board, I respect and love you.

Oblomov19

I agree. Most teenage boys are lovely.

I still wouldn’t let one of them I didn’t know take my kids to the beach. Would you?

My teenage boy is lovely too.

If someone wanted him to look after their kids on a beach, I'd want to protect him as well as them.

Not sure what people aren't understanding about of course the vast majority of teenage boys aren't sex offenders because we know they aren't. But some are.

I do not care how ridiculous I seem

I agree can'tstand

To me, nothing's worth the risk of someone interfering with my daughter. I do not care how ridiculous I seem. It's my job to protect her.

I hate to say it, but this is another “totally unrealistic perception of risk” type situations. It’s a bit like saying you won’t go into London in case you get blown up by a terrorist. There’s risk in everything. There’s risk in not doing something because there’s a risk in doing something else. All people pose a risk; luckily, the vast majority are nice and well meaning. But - the only way you can take zero risk of someone “interfering with” your daughter is to keep her at home with you at all times. Teacher at school? Small risk. Dad of a friend? Small but probably slightly greater risk? Man in the park? Small but slightly greater risk still. And in doing this, you can pretty much guarantee that you will have an extremely high risk of turning her into a dysfunctional adult....and it’s also your job to bring her up to be able to function effectively in the world. Protecting children involves making good, rational assessments about risk....in all areas of life.

But the likelihood of being affected by a terrorist attack is statistically miniscule.
The likelihood of a girl being abused in childhood is quite high.
So it's not a useful comparison at all.

A good risk assessment wouldn't include letting two small children go to a beach with an unknown teenage boy.

Allowing children of that age with insufficient supervision did one thing worrying they are depraved is just so sad. As another mum of boys I worry for their future

Though sounds like your ex and their mother are rushing things

Isn't it something like one in 6 women were abused as children?
so certainly the likelihood of any individual man turning out to be a sexual predator maybe low but the likelihood that any individual woman will be the victim of Predator is pretty high

Natalia I think I see what you are getting at. But what you wrote is just waffle. That doesn't in any way describe risk analysis or management.
Not leaving your young children with unknown teens or men is the mitigation for the risk. Regardless of the likelihood of abuse happening, the impact is high. It's a no brainer, the mitigation is so easy and doesn't cost ANYTHING.

Avoiding child abuse doesn't create dysfunctional adults. That's just too ridiculous a statement to even address

People saying "but my teenage boy I'd lovely" doesn't mean "nice" boys don't abuse.

There is probably a 99% chance peoples teenage boys are lovely, I have a son myself who is lovely. But there is that chance one of them could be an abuser, all male abusers are someone's son who's mother may just describe them as lovely with no idea.

My mum would describe my half brother as "lovely".....

Your DSs will be teenagers I’m not very long. Are you happy that people will assume they are predators simply because of their gender?

I think concerns about water safety are valid however.

@whatevermission exactly. If making conscious efforts to avoid child abuse against your children is apparently going to lead them to be dysfunctional adults then why the heck do schools, nurseries and anyone involved with working with children bother with dbs checks and safeguarding measures! 🙄

We may as well just anyone look after our children! In fact that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever read on mumsnet.

I'm a dysfunctional adult because i was subject to child abuse and wasn't protected the way I should have been. If only there was more risk calculating going on when I was a child, or maybe the adults around me were worried I'd turn into a dysfunctional adult if they bothered about it all too much...

I wouldn't let any of my kids alone with an older male that I had never met/barely knew and would expect exh to hold the same judgement. I'm sorry but that's just the world we live in.
Also, no chance would I be letting my children at that age to be left on a bloody beach with no proper adult supervision!

How stupid are all these daily mail sadface people demanding nobody say anything which makes them sad!

I have sons, and a daughter.

That doesn't mean that I am unable to understand that 98% of sex offenders are men. Bringing up boy children doesn't mean we have to pretend men are universally no longer a threat to women and children.

Boys should be aware that as they grow up their greater physical strength gives them responsibility not to scare anyone into feeling threatened or presured. It's for the protection of boys too, that they not put themselves in compromising situations.

Sad. How can anyone take anything so inappropriately personally?

It's irrelevant anyway - the fault in the original post lies with the adults who allowed or asked a 14 or 15 year old to be in sole charge of 2 small children they'd never met out of sight, on a beach. The teen isn't at fault, the teen's mother and small children's father are irresponsible and thoughtless. They potentially failed the teen as well as the smaller children, all of whom would suffer if anything bad happened.

its not just teenage boys you have to worry about , its their friends too. After speaking to a friend who deals with child abuse cases i would never let my DD's stay unsupervised by teen boys.

No-one seems to have identified what a massive fail the prevailing view on this thread is from a feminist standpoint.

If women say 'males shouldn't be left alone with kids, in case they abuse them', then guess who is ends up the primary carer, the SAHP, out of the workplace etc?

Idiotic, short-sighted, paranoid, and prejudiced.

I think you need to meet them as teens vary hugely in maturity. My 16yr old neighbour would definitely be unreliable & clueless with child safety, but at 15 I was sensible, mature & babysitting babies & toddlers regularly. I took my neighbours toddler to the park, swimming etc from age 3. My friends however were ditzy & wouldn't even consider such things.

I wouldn't allow young children alone in the company of people I didn't know.
Its common sense, surely?

So it's ok for complete strangers to take care of your children as long as those strangers are 15 year old boys then?🙄.

People talk rubbish - I don't believe for a moment they'd be happy with their kids going out with strangers OP, the faux outrage is just to wind you up and deflect you.

Definitely have a word with your ex. He's irresponsible.

But they're not strangers, are they? The kids' father knows them.

If OP can veto who her DH trusts their children with, then he would have the same right? Or does it only work in one direction?

Again, all this is based on the idea that a woman's primary role is to look after the kids.

thedancingbear

Not one single person has said that.

Many have said “I wouldn’t leave my kids alone with a teen I don’t know, esp on a beach”

Many have pointed out that boys/men are more likely to abuse the girls/women - that’s not prejudice, it’s factual.

Idiotic, short-sighted, paranoid, and prejudiced

If you won't even recognise the problem, there is no hope of fixing it