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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell ExH I don't want DC to be left with his DP's teenage boys?

284 replies

Jessie1980 · 31/05/2019 12:06

After being at their DF on their last visit they met his DP and her DC, 2 of which are boys 14 & 15.
They told me they had gone down to the beach on their own with one of the boys, AIBU to be concerned about this? ExH lives just on the beach but would not be able to see them from the house. My worry is that they had only just met the boy, I dont know him, they dont know him and my ExH has only known him around 3 months. Our DC are DD5 and DS7.

After what happened with the 16 year old and 5 year old girl on the isle of bute, you cant help but worry about these things. Shock Sad

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 31/05/2019 13:46

“young girls are equally as likely to be pedophiles as young boys but they don’t get charged as often.”

Source, please?

Contraceptionismyfriend · 31/05/2019 13:46

@SimulationTheorist that's because it was abuse.
NO PRENT CAN ABUSE THEIR CHILD!!

However a parent can make reasonable parenting decisions even if they are not in line with the other parent.
For example.
Parent A allows child unlimited TV time.
Parent B restricts all screen time.

Parents B needs to suck it up.

YouBumder · 31/05/2019 13:47

Think back to when your son (who I am sure is lovely) was 4/5. Would you have sent him off to the beach on his own with a 15 year old he had met once?

Well no, but I’ve already said I wouldn’t permit it in the OP’s position either Confused

BlingLoving · 31/05/2019 13:48

I'd be very concerned too, as to why two boys of that age would want to take care of little ones

Well, besides all the obvious answers to this that people have given, there's also the fact that for centuries, older children have been expected to help out with younger children. It's pretty normal. And certainly not unusual for the teenager to be asked to watch the kids for half an hour in the same way he/she might be asked to unload the dishwasher or help prepare a meal.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 31/05/2019 13:48

But I guess people on here don’t care about that, teenage boys are all potential sexual predators and their feelings don’t count.

Honestly, yes I would be more concerned about protecting my child than I would about protecting the feelings of a complete stranger. Wouldn't you? Would you let an adult man you'd never met take your young child to the beach because otherwise it might hurt his feelings? Of course not. And no one is singling out teenage boys in particular as potential predators by the way. The reality is that any unvetted, unknown person is potentially a risk to children, whatever their age.

herculepoirot2 · 31/05/2019 13:50

YouBumder

But you would have sent him off with a 15 year old somewhere else, not the seaside?

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 31/05/2019 13:50

young girls are equally as likely to be pedophiles as young boys but they don’t get charged as often

Is that a fact or just your opinion? Because I've worked with both victims and perpetrators of CSA my whole adult life and never seen any evidence that this is the case so would be interested to know your sources.

SimulationTheorist · 31/05/2019 13:50

Don’t bother responding to me again. I have nothing more to say to the likes of you

Really don't think you can tell me what to do on a public forum Wink As for "the likes of me", as I've said, perhaps if you were a survivor of CSA, with over 20 years of PTSD because of it, and someone who has worked in a child protection role, seeing first hand what happens to some children, and how absolutely traumatic it can be, then maybe you'd understand where the OP is coming from.

No one is saying all teenagers want to rape and murder little children. But some do. It's unlikely you'll know, from first glance, which ones. But I can assure you, they exist.

If the OP is uncomfortable with her two young children being left with two teenagers she has never met, then that is very sensible.

YouBumder · 31/05/2019 13:52

Of course ministerforcheekyfuckery. But a poster on here has clearly inferred that all teenage boys have sinister motives. That’s what my issue is. I’m a parent as well of course I’d protect my own children. I wouldn’t allow my son to take the kids to the beach, nor allow my younger kids to be taken.

SimulationTheorist · 31/05/2019 13:54

You don't give up, do you Grin

If am inferring all teenage boys are rapist murderers, could you tell me if I should include my own, please?

AnActualWoman · 31/05/2019 13:56

"I'd be very concerned too, as to why two boys of that age would want to take care of little ones. "

Wow. My nephew's are 14 and 17 and love play fighting and acting all childish all over again with my dc.

Frankly I'd be concerned at the thought process that leapt to a dodgy conclusion and out of the two would rather my DC kept away from that person tbh rather than the totally normal teens having a laugh.

herculepoirot2 · 31/05/2019 13:58

Frankly I'd be concerned at the thought process that leapt to a dodgy conclusion

Really?

I don’t know these people and neither do my DC.

That’s pretty much the whole process.

SimulationTheorist · 31/05/2019 14:00

You'd be concerned about someone who has concerns about leaving two little children on a beach with strange teenagers?

Now I'm concerned about you Smile

Eggshellnutmeg · 31/05/2019 14:01

It’s a lot of responsibility for the teenager, I would ask ex to take it slower.

Eliza9919 · 31/05/2019 14:02

That horrendous boy is a monster and rhere have been a handful of cases like his ever so please dont let that cloud your judgment. It would be so so so unlikely for anything like that to happen.

There's been plenty of cases where a brother/step brother/cousin even has abused younger sisters/cousins.

SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad · 31/05/2019 14:05

Wow - there are some unpleasant people on here. The automatic viewing of boys as sexual predators that one or two people have hinted at is really horrible.

It doesn't matter that the OP hasn't met the boy herself. The kids have two parents, and they're equal. Their dad does know the boy. He's known him for 3 months. Presumably, he's known his partner (the boy's mother) for a lot longer.

The house is on the beach. They're moments away. OP hasn't said how long they were there for - I'm guessing not long.

The dad has made a judgement on risk, based on his knowledge of the boy, his own children, how long they'd be gone, what they'd be doing, and the circumstances attaching to that beach. And he's decided it was okay for them to go. That's his job. He's their parent. It's not an unreasonable judgement. Kids play unsupervised with other kids whom they haven't known that long all the time.

OP sounds very risk-averse. She may have reached a different conclusion. Fine. On her time, she can wrap them in as much cotton wool as she likes. Ultimately, there is nothing in the judgement that the dad has taken that renders it negligent, so you'll just have to lump it, OP. He's your equal. He's entitled to make his own judgements. And he's a darned sight better informed about this specific issue than you are, because he knows everyone concerned and all the circumstances.. That's all there is to it.

FrogFairy · 31/05/2019 14:05

I would worry about the possibility that the young children were foisted onto the teenagers who might well prefer to be doing their own thing or be with their mates.The possibility of being glued to their phone is not a great idea when at the beach with little ones.

I would think this if the teenagers were male or female and while some teens are great with younger children others don’t have a clue. I have an 18 year old so technically an adult but he is an only child who has never been around younger ones so I wouldn’t expect him to take of small children.

FrogFairy · 31/05/2019 14:06

Take care of small children

pictish · 31/05/2019 14:08

I can understand why you feel uncomfortable with this but when your kids are with their dad, he calls the shots. He knows these lads and unless you’d accept him interfering in your time, you are on rocky ground. You are allowing your imagination to get the better of you here. Your concerns lack credibility and I doubt he’s going to be very accommodating of them.

AnActualWoman · 31/05/2019 14:08

"You'd be concerned about someone who has concerns about leaving two little children on a beach with strange teenagers?"

I don't believe I said that.

"Now I'm concerned about you smile"

Why? I'm ok Confused

Lifecraft · 31/05/2019 14:10

The dad has made a judgement on risk, based on his knowledge of the boy, his own children, how long they'd be gone, what they'd be doing, and the circumstances attaching to that beach. And he's decided it was okay for them to go. That's his job. He's their parent

Head of nail, meet hammer.

Really, there's nothing more to be said on the topic than this. The father has made his decision whilst he has care of his children. Mum, and the MN massive, need to get over it.

PoesyCherish · 31/05/2019 14:10

Haven't read the entire thread but this is seriously fucked up. For one you have zero say over what happens when they're with their father. You lost the right to have a say when you broke up, likewise he doesn't have a right to dictate what happens on your time.

2 what the heck is wrong with people to assume a teenager would do that? I have a 15 year old cousin and he loves spending time with the younger ones and takes very good care of them.

BertrandRussell · 31/05/2019 14:11

5&7 “Dad- can we go to the beach?”
Dad. “In about half an hour- there’s something I need to do first”
14&15 “We’ll take them and you come down when you’re finished. Want to come with us, guys?”
5&7 “Yay! Will you play football?”

Isn’t that what probably happened? A perfectly normal family interaction like that?

herculepoirot2 · 31/05/2019 14:13

I’ve worked with young people. Most are fantastic, but on a deeper level they are unknown quantities, often even to themselves. They don’t have a past history you can look at, experience, relationships, professional backgrounds, that tell you about them and their trustworthiness. That’s why - unfortunately - when one turns out to be a danger to children, everyone is so very shocked. It’s not easy to read teenagers. I wouldn’t leave my DC with anyone I didn’t know well, but certainly not a teenager I had known a few weeks and they didn’t know at all.

And yes, we could go down the “It’s his time road”, but I am the parent as well and would have this discussion regardless.

herculepoirot2 · 31/05/2019 14:14

BertrandRussell

They’re not quite a family, are they? His new girlfriend’s children?