Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell ExH I don't want DC to be left with his DP's teenage boys?

284 replies

Jessie1980 · 31/05/2019 12:06

After being at their DF on their last visit they met his DP and her DC, 2 of which are boys 14 & 15.
They told me they had gone down to the beach on their own with one of the boys, AIBU to be concerned about this? ExH lives just on the beach but would not be able to see them from the house. My worry is that they had only just met the boy, I dont know him, they dont know him and my ExH has only known him around 3 months. Our DC are DD5 and DS7.

After what happened with the 16 year old and 5 year old girl on the isle of bute, you cant help but worry about these things. Shock Sad

OP posts:
UnicornBrexit · 31/05/2019 13:12

@SimulationTheorist

Could you roll up that patronising stance and pop it in a less sunny place? Thanks.

Laura221 · 31/05/2019 13:12

A few weeks ago iw would of been relaxed about it but recently I've had my eyes opened and I would not be happy with this at all. I would politely raise it with him x

SimulationTheorist · 31/05/2019 13:13

@unicornbrexit

No.

HTH.

YouBumder · 31/05/2019 13:13

After what happened with the 16 year old and 5 year old girl on the isle of bute, you cant help but worry about these things.

That wouldn’t be my concern, but I think it’s quite young to be solely in charge of younger children in a hazardous environment. My boy is 13 and he’s in no way a potential predator but I wouldn’t allow him to be in sole charge at the seaside of younger children.

herculepoirot2 · 31/05/2019 13:14

Can’t agree with previous posters here. I would think it would be very unlikely anything that awful would happen, with boys or men or whatever age, but the fact is they are near strangers, so no, I would not be okay with this.

Lifecraft · 31/05/2019 13:16

you have no say on things like this on his parenting

Of course she does, as their mother, especially if she thinks they are at risk. By that logic, a father can beat them black and blue then, as long as it's on his own "parenting time"

What an utterly ridiculous thing to say. Only on MN!

OP: My husband, when he has the kids, drives them on the motorway, and I don't want him to. Although I'm not aware that he breaks the speed limit.
Reply: It's none of you business what he does in his parenting time.
Next Reply: Of course it is, she's their mum (and therefore is automatically a better judge than someone with a penis). By your logic, it would be ok for him to take them on a motorbike with no crash helmet at 150mph in a 30 limit!

So, for clarity, a dad allowing his kids to hang out with his girlfriend's older kids is not illegal. It's not even unusual. Beating his own children black and blue is illegal. For the hard of thinking, that's the key difference.

herculepoirot2 · 31/05/2019 13:16

As a parent of a pre teen boy I find this depressing. Is this really what people will think of my kind natured boy in a few years?

I certainly don’t think it. But since I don’t know your boy from Adam, I can’t rule it out to any sensible degree either.

YouBumder · 31/05/2019 13:16

I'd be very concerned too, as to why two boys of that age would want to take care of little ones.

How horrible of you. My son is 13 and is brilliant with young children, always has been. He wants to be a primary school teacher. I appreciate you don’t know my child but assuming that all teenage boys have sick motives is plain horrible. The misandry on this site is fucking vile sometimes

Kaddm · 31/05/2019 13:17

My ds is nearly 14 and I would not want him to have to be responsible for a 5yo in a beach scenario. Beaches can be extremely dangerous and I would be extremely unhappy with the arrangement in the OP.

Michaelbaubles · 31/05/2019 13:18

Are we all missing that this is the first tome they’d all met? I might let well- known and trusted teenaged boys take young DC on their own but not ones I hardly knew! I’ve taught enough of them to know that - abuse etc aside, which is also a real concern - they are not on the whole the most clear-headed and reliable group of people. Siblings and cousins who’ve known children from birth, have a close bond and feel connected and responsible for them, maybe, but not complete strangers. Nonsense to say having concerns about this is being over-protective.

If a 15-year-old boy came up to your 5yo DD at the park and offered to take her for a walk would you let them? Of course not!

SimulationTheorist · 31/05/2019 13:19

assuming that all teenage boys have sick motives is plain horrible

Please point me to where I assumed all teenage boys have sick motives.

HollowTalk · 31/05/2019 13:21

It's disgusting that you've made those insinuations and I'd be horrified if you'd suggested anything like that regarding my son or his friends, but at the same time I wouldn't want my children to go onto a beach with teens simply because accidents can happen so quickly and because the sea is so powerful.

I was on holiday in Brittany when my children were little - the week before two little children had gone down to the water's edge while their parents unpacked lunch etc and by the time the parents turned around the children had disappeared. Days later they were found to have drowned. It's too big a responsibility for teens who don't know the children, I think.

IToldYouIWasFreaky · 31/05/2019 13:21

that's not true at all. We send them off to school without a thought. we send them to play groups, child minders, sports clubs, sunday schools even

Any adult in a school/play group/sports club environment will be DBS checked, trained and subject to safeguarding rules and safeguarding rules and checks.
These are a couple of random teenagers who the OP has never met! Really not comparable at all Hmm

anothernotherone · 31/05/2019 13:22

The 14 and 15 year olds are not "step brothers" to the 5 and 7 year olds - they have only just met! They're the children's girlfriend's sons, not his wife's, and the younger children's father has also only known them 3 months.

"Step brothers" is bollocks at this point - they're no more relatives than a new neighbor's kids.

However I think suspecting them if being sex criminals is also insane.

It's not fair to expect a young teen to be responsible for a 5 year old he's just met near water - that's the issue.

I wouldn't be happy either, simply due to safety near the sea and the children being barely known to one another. The beach safety is sketchy, and all the children's lives would be blighted if one drowned, and they don't know each other well enough to predict one another's behaviour.

Focus on the real imminent risk rather than the billion to one chance.

herculepoirot2 · 31/05/2019 13:23

It's disgusting that you've made those insinuations and I'd be horrified if you'd suggested anything like that regarding my son or his friends

I don’t understand this at all. They’re not insinuations. She doesn’t know the lad. He could be anyone. How is it not reasonable for her to question leaving her little girls in his care?

Asta19 · 31/05/2019 13:23

Sorry but most abuse is perpetrated by someone known to the child. I know it's not a pleasant thing to think about but there are many, many cases that don't hit the media. OP doesn't know these boys, it's not a family member they've all grown up with. I don't blame her for being concerned. It's easy for everyone else to say "have some trust" but how is OP going to feel if her child is abused? This isn't hysteria, I've worked in the field and I wouldn't be comfortable with it if it was my DC.

People who are saying it's fine would probably at the same time say it's not fine for a mum to leave her young DC alone with a new partner she's just met. How is this different? Because they're under 18?

I agree it's tricky to raise it that way though and would agree it would be better to say it from a safety by the water point of view.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 31/05/2019 13:23

It genuinely baffles me that on a site where posters usually so quick to declare everything a "MASSIVE safeguarding issue" and a "red flag" people are telling the OP that she is being unreasonable for not wanting her child to be left alone with a young man she has never met and knows absolutely nothing about.

If the OP had stated "ExH's new Girlfriends brother/male friend/Dad took DS down to the beach, I've never met this man so I don't feel comfortable, AIBU?" then there would be a resounding YANBU she'd probably be told to log it with 101 Hmm
Do people really believe that the risks are any different because it's a teenage male and not an adult? It's still an unknown male, the age isn't relevant. Or do you all think that paedophiles only start having sexual thoughts about children when they turn 21?

I have worked with many DC over the years who were sexually abused by teenage siblings, step siblings, neighbours, cousins etc etc. You may not want to believe it but I'm afraid it can and does happen. The young man in question might be perfectly lovely and an excellent friend and role model for OP's DS. Or he might not. The point is that she doesn't know him from Adam and as his DM, she has a right to be concerned about her children being left with strangers.

UnicornBrexit · 31/05/2019 13:24

After what happened with the 16 year old and 5 year old girl on the isle of bute, you cant help but worry about these things.

Yes, is your EXH a drug dealer ? is he filling the local teens with weed ?

swingofthings · 31/05/2019 13:25

If a 15-year-old boy came up to your 5yo DD at the park and offered to take her for a walk would you let them? Of course not!
How can that be compared with the children of your partner? Also OP says he's known his newxaprtenr for 3 months, how would she know that? Maybe he hasn't told her that he's known her for 6 months or more and see the boys every weekends or more.

It comes down to trusting the judgement of their father and ifyou trust him with other matters why not this one?

herculepoirot2 · 31/05/2019 13:27

Maybe he hasn't told her that he's known her for 6 months or more and see the boys every weekends or more.

And if he’s that untrustworthy, why would you trust him full stop?

Gth1234 · 31/05/2019 13:27

While at the seaside with some friends, I took my then 8-y-o son (may have been younger) to the beach, and offered to take my friends similarly aged son. They didn't want him to go, presumably over safety fears. My son and I had a great time.

I think sometimes you can be too protective. Happens will happen, and they can happen whether we are there or not.

The same (now grown up) son wants to go to Creamfields in a few weeks, and we would prefer he didn't to be honest -mainly because we can't image a festival that doesn't allow you to go offsite - but it's not up to us.

YouBumder · 31/05/2019 13:27

Please point me to where I assumed all teenage boys have sick motives.

Well what did you mean then? You said it. Please explain what you actually meant then, because
I'd be very concerned too, as to why two boys of that age would want to take care of little ones.

Would tend to suggest the reason is because you think they’d have questionable motives.

BlingLoving · 31/05/2019 13:29

My only concern here would be the water safety issue. My DC are similar ages. I'd have had no problem with DS going to beach with these teenage boys but I'd have concerns about DD because she's not exactly savvy and needs constant watching in a way that DS doesn't.

Recently spent a day with a friend, her teenage DCs and DS. DS and teenagers were constantly off doing things out and about. I didn't think twice. But I purposefully didn't take DD as she is too young to be trusted under this kind of lighter supervision.

Ellisandra · 31/05/2019 13:30

I’d be more worried about safety by the sea.

Paddling - I would not be happy (I might be, if my XH had known the 14yo long enough to know that they were responsible).

Out for several hours - not until they were better known to XH.

A beach with fast tide turns, rip tides, sand bars... all a concern to me.

An XH with a history of poor decision making - I’d be concern.

If my 5 & 7yo were bolters or frequent fighters - no.

A walk along the beach for 20 minutes for an ice cream, at the top sandy end of a busy beach where high tide never reaches (or as a parent I know it won’t whilst they’re out) - I’d be OK with this. (for those that know it, I’m picturing somewhere like Hunstanton)

Gth1234 · 31/05/2019 13:31

It comes down to trusting the judgement of their father and if you trust him with other matters why not this one?

yes, and the father probably thinks they will have as much fun, or more fun , with the older kids, for a change. Maybe he intended to go along later on.