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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell ExH I don't want DC to be left with his DP's teenage boys?

284 replies

Jessie1980 · 31/05/2019 12:06

After being at their DF on their last visit they met his DP and her DC, 2 of which are boys 14 & 15.
They told me they had gone down to the beach on their own with one of the boys, AIBU to be concerned about this? ExH lives just on the beach but would not be able to see them from the house. My worry is that they had only just met the boy, I dont know him, they dont know him and my ExH has only known him around 3 months. Our DC are DD5 and DS7.

After what happened with the 16 year old and 5 year old girl on the isle of bute, you cant help but worry about these things. Shock Sad

OP posts:
YouBumder · 31/05/2019 13:31

As I said I wouldn’t allow it as either the parent of the younger children or the older ones. My son would be completely destroyed though if someone said that they wouldn’t trust him because they think he might rape and murder their kids. But I guess people on here don’t care about that, teenage boys are all potential sexual predators and their feelings don’t count.

SimulationTheorist · 31/05/2019 13:32

I think it's perfectly normal, YouBumder, to have concerns about two young children going to a beach with two teens they have never met, and who their mother has never met.

As I have previously said, I have worked with very vulnerable children and have been a victim of CSA myself. You absolutely cannot be too careful. Have you seen the type of things that go on? Perhaps if you'd seen some of the videos I've seen that have circulated as a result of situations like this, you'd be more supportive of the OP.

Not all teenage boys have questionable motives. In fact, the vast, vast majority don't or won't. But some do, and that's the issue.

herculepoirot2 · 31/05/2019 13:33

But I guess people on here don’t care about that, teenage boys are all potential sexual predators and their feelings don’t count.

You don’t tell them that. But it’s obviously the case.

BertrandRussell · 31/05/2019 13:33

“I'd be very concerned too, as to why two boys of that age would want to take care of little ones.”

Jesus Christ- because they’re nice kids? Did that thought cross your mind?

FudgeBrownie2019 · 31/05/2019 13:34

I'd be very concerned too, as to why two boys of that age would want to take care of little ones.

This is a little over the top and spiteful. Perhaps they don't want to in the sense that they're not the ones asking to take them to the beach solo, perhaps they're just the kinds of teens who'll shrug and go "alright then" when little children ask them if they'll go to the beach. DS1 here is 13 and won't actively seek to spend time with DS2 and his friends when they visit, but if they crowd into his room and say "play on the trampoline with us" he'll generally get up and spend half an hour entertaining them because a) he's a nice kid and b) it keeps them off his back for an extra hour or so.

Not every teen boy has to have a motive behind their behaviour. Some are just decent people.

SimulationTheorist · 31/05/2019 13:34

My teen boy wouldn't be destroyed. He'd understand that a parent who had never met him would have concerns about his capabilities and responsibility in looking after a complete stranger's children, and would welcome any questions. But then he's pretty mature.

YouBumder · 31/05/2019 13:35

I am supportive of the OP. I already said more than once I wouldn’t permit it. As either the parent of the older or younger children.

Can you explain what you meant by

I'd be very concerned too, as to why two boys of that age would want to take care of little ones

Please as it still reads to me that you’d question their motives?

Aprillygirl · 31/05/2019 13:35

I would be concerned more for their safety near the water than anything else, as teenage boys are much more likely to be careless rather than sexual deviants. I would tell your ex that you're not too happy with your DC being looked alone by ANY unvetted person that you don't know,let alone a possibly not very sensible teenager.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 31/05/2019 13:36

@SimulationTheorist no she really doesn't.
If he was beating them she would have grounds as that is abuse. However she doesn't have any sections making powers on how he parents and what parenting decisions he makes within the law. Allowing HIS children to go out and play with friends would be laughed out of court. Which the Op would have to pay for.

SimulationTheorist · 31/05/2019 13:36

because they’re nice kids? Did that thought cross your mind

They probably are nice kids. I'd be more inclined to think that the little ones had been palmed off so Dad and his new partner could have some alone time. My teen DS wouldn't go out of his way to choose to look after a stranger's kids. He's more interested in his mates and his Xbox.

Just because they probably are nice kids doesn't mean the OP shouldn't be concerned about her young children.

YouBumder · 31/05/2019 13:37

Concerns about safety are fine, that’s how I’d put that to my child. My child is also very mature, although I’m not sure why you think that’s relevant. He’d not be destroyed by being given a general reason about safety, but the assumption that he was a potential rapist and murderer.

SimulationTheorist · 31/05/2019 13:38

So what you're saying is, when a child is with their father after a separation, he can do whatever he likes with them, as long as it's legal?

Also, they weren't going to "play with friends". They were sent out with older teens they'd never met before.

SimulationTheorist · 31/05/2019 13:39

YouBumder - so everyone who has a DBS check before they work with children should be outraged that someone thinks they could potentially rape or murder a child? Get a grip.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 31/05/2019 13:40

As I said I wouldn’t allow it

Can somebody please explain how this is the OPs devious. This is the shitty part of co parenting. The other parent can make sections without caring about what the other thinks.

This is no enough of a safe guarding concern to legitimately withdraw contact. He has no harmed the children. He has no placed them in direct danger.

The best thing to do would be to suggest to Ex that they are all made hyper aware of the dangers of the sea. But other than that she is in no position to say that their shared children can not go out with these teenagers on her Ex's parenting time.

Teddybear45 · 31/05/2019 13:40

There are things that were deliberately left out in the Isle of Bute story (in particular regarding the relationship between the boy and the victim’s mum), so that’s not a great example to use.

Having said that, however, I don’t think a 14/15 year olds should have the burden of taking care of two young kids they don’t know. If you do speak to your ex use that to build your case on - it’s not fair that your ex is expecting a child to take care of his kids. He should be doing it. What’s the point of sending them to him if he’s delegating supervisory activities to other people?

herculepoirot2 · 31/05/2019 13:40

He’d not be destroyed by being given a general reason about safety, but the assumption that he was a potential rapist and murderer.

Everyone has the potential to be almost anything you can think of. It’s not personal, it’s factual. If you don’t know someone, you have no reason to trust them with your small children.

Think back to when your son (who I am sure is lovely) was 4/5. Would you have sent him off to the beach on his own with a 15 year old he had met once?

NataliaOsipova · 31/05/2019 13:40

“I’d prefer that the children are always under adult supervision” = perfectly reasonable request and concern.

“After what happened with the 16 year old and 5 year old girl on the isle of bute, you cant help but worry about these things.” = really quite offensive and likely to cause a lot of ill feeling!

Applesbananaspears · 31/05/2019 13:40

I'd be very concerned too, as to why two boys of that age would want to take care of little ones

Why on earth wouldn’t they? My 16 year old loves spending time with his little cousins. He loves playing football with them, talking football, throwing them over his shoulder, playing FIFA. He loves to babysit them.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 31/05/2019 13:41

Yes pretty much. @SimulationTheorist.
Exactly as the mother can.

Because one is not more powerful than the other unless specifically ordered by the courts.

Teddybear45 · 31/05/2019 13:43

If those boys had been girls then nobody on this thread would have suspected them without knowing them, not even OP. That is the mindset people need to get over — young girls are equally as likely to be pedophiles as young boys but they don’t get charged as often.

SimulationTheorist · 31/05/2019 13:44

There have been many cases as to why that isn't true. A parent can't just do what they like, because it's "their time". The poor girl whose father cut all her hair off because he didn't like her new highlights springs to mind. Or the child who was forced to eat meat when she was a vegetarian. Not illegal, still abusive.

SimulationTheorist · 31/05/2019 13:44

Teddy - I've already said I'd be equally concerned about girls.

BertrandRussell · 31/05/2019 13:45

In my experience, teen boys are excellent baby sitters.

FreeFreesia · 31/05/2019 13:45

I wouldn't trust one young teenager with two much younger children at the beach. It's the lack of awareness that you need eyes in the back of your head. Play ball with one child the other wanders off to collect shells then decides to paddle. Show me the teenager who wouldn't answer their phone because I'll bet that wasn't left back at the house.

I think the exH has made a poor decision & to the extent it needs a brief conversation.

YouBumder · 31/05/2019 13:45

No, but most adults aren’t 13 year old boys who still have a degree of naivety and innocence as to how the world works.

You have a cheek telling anyone to get a grip. You’ve clearly made an inference that teenage boys who would want to look after younger kids have questionable motives. When this has bee put to you you’ve denied that this was what you meant by your comments, but have failed to explain what you did actually mean.

Don’t bother responding to me again. I have nothing more to say to the likes of you.