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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - parents changed their will

181 replies

Mereday · 30/05/2019 11:42

I'll try to paint as clear a picture of as possible!

My DH and I are sometimes struggling financially because I have been unable to work due to illness for most of my adult life. We do OK mostly, but we are living off one (below national average) salary so we can't afford luxuries or holidays. Anyway, that's just how it is, and we are managing, so it's all right.

In contrast, my brother has done really well for himself! He's smart, driven and has a great mind for business, and he married a very wealthy lady who is equally smart and driven. We get along well - I think that's important to say - but their lives are very different from ours. They're constantly away on exotic holidays, they have a gardener, a nanny and a housekeeper, and they own multiple properties. In short, they are just extremely well off. They work hard, but they love it too.

My DH and I are close with my aunt and uncle, who have no children of their own. We had been on the lookout for a small flat, our first, and found one we loved, but we could not quite afford it. My aunt and uncle decided they wanted to help us out and paid for the deposit out of their savings - a very generous gift for which we were really grateful.

Anyway, my parents now heard about this gift, and while they are happy for us, they thought it unfair towards my brother. So they have decided to change their will: my brother will now get that same sum out of our joint inheritance and any remainder will be split between us. Of course I did not say anything - it's my parents' money and all - but I cannot help feeling a little hard done by. That money is absolutely nothing to my brother - he told me he did not care either way - and would be a windfall to DH, me and our DS.

I'm not sure why it bothers me. It is fair, but not equal? Equal, but not fair? Brother's family is set to inherit millions through his wife's parents as well, whereas DH has a working class background. As I said, I did not protest when my parents told us, but looking at my DS just now who will have so much less than his cousins already - sometimes that hurts and I just felt it all of a sudden. So, Mumsnet, are my feelings unreasonable?

OP posts:
herculepoirot2 · 30/05/2019 11:45

Yes. The money belongs to your parents. They really are free to do as they like with it. They are trying to be fair to your DB.

HollowTalk · 30/05/2019 11:47

I think it was absolutely nothing to do with them and they've treated you very badly.

HollowTalk · 30/05/2019 11:48

If my daughter was too ill to work and an aunt helped her out, I'd be really grateful; I wouldn't be penalising her for it. That's just spite.

Roussette · 30/05/2019 11:50

Your feelings are totally reasonable. If your DM and DF had given you the money, maybe they could or should've changed their will in favour of your DB for that amount.

But it wasn't them. It was a gift from an Aunt and Uncle. Nothing to do with them.

I think it was a mean thing to do TBH. Especially as your DB isn't worried and didn't particularly want it. I would be very hurt if I were you.

So if you won £100K on the lottery, they'd change the will again? Or if a close friend of yours won some money and gave you some, they'd do the same?

greenflamingo · 30/05/2019 11:51

I understand why you’re hurt about it but it is their money and their decision. People make strange decisions regarding wills and lots of upset can be caused.... but the thing is, none of that money is guaranteed anyway, it could be spent/lost/given away way before then. Your DS has every opportunity to build a fabulous life of his own so try not to think about inheritance as vital to that.

PurpleFlower1983 · 30/05/2019 11:51

While it’s your parents’ money to do as they like with, it does sound very mean considering the circumstances! Do your parents get along with your Aunt and Uncle?

MereDintofPandiculation · 30/05/2019 11:52

Inheritance isn't just about money, it's perceived as a way of showing how you valued people. So I can quite understand your parents' view, even though I don't think I'd have made the same choice - I wouldn't have thought it my job to compensate for your aunt and uncle's "lack of fairness".

EmrysAtticus · 30/05/2019 11:52

Absolutely none of your parents business what your aunt and uncle choose to do with their money and they should have ignored it. However there is nothing you can do. As it means nothing to your brother surely he will just sign it over to you in the end? That is certainly what I would do for a sibling who was struggling due to ill health

AnneTwackie · 30/05/2019 11:53

That’s a strange thing to do and, yes, I’d be really hurt. Do you normally have a good relationship with them? Are they supportive? Do they feel ok about your brother and his family having so much money or do they resent that a bit?

Original poster
Mereday · 30/05/2019 11:55

Do your parents get along with your Aunt and Uncle?

Yes, we are generally a very harmonious family. That's also why making a fuss about something like money is just not something I would be inclined to do at all.

OP posts:
IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 30/05/2019 11:56

I can see why they have done it. You're ok with the favouritism as it benefitted you, your brother was left out quite considerably and that likely hurt your parents. It's not his fault his life is better. You chose to have a child knowing you couldn't work so knew the financial impact of that decision.

It's your parents money to do with as they please. They obviously felt strong enough about it to change their will. The fact you are questioning it makes it seem like they made the right decision. Their hard earned money, upto them what they do with it. Id be changing the will a lot more if I found out a child was complaining about an inheritance that they hadn't even had.

twitterbird · 30/05/2019 11:56

I think that is awful of your parents tbh

BowiesJumper · 30/05/2019 11:56

I understand why you are bothered by it. I can see why your parents did it, but I don't think I would have myself! I'd have said, that's a nice equaliser from your aunt and uncle, it's not like it's giving you an advantage if your brother is already very well off. If I were your brother, I would say to my parents, please don't do that, I'm OK!

Nanny0gg · 30/05/2019 11:56

Your brother is the Golden One here, yes?

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 30/05/2019 11:57

Yes, it's hurtful.Maybe it's their (very warped) way of trying to keep things equal between you and your bro but really it wasn't anything to do
with them, they should have left the will alone.

icannotremember · 30/05/2019 11:59

It's your parents money to do with as they please. They obviously felt strong enough about it to change their will. The fact you are questioning it makes it seem like they made the right decision. Their hard earned money, upto them what they do with it. Id be changing the will a lot more if I found out a child was complaining about an inheritance that they hadn't even had.*

You sound lovely.

Figgygal · 30/05/2019 11:59

Another one who doesn't understand why it's anything to do with your parents and why they feel the need to intervene like that it's just very very odd

You're completely reasonable in how you're feeling

newcat12345 · 30/05/2019 12:01

Of course the money is theirs to do as they see fit, but it Sounds really strange to me. What your aunt gave you is nothing to do with your parents and their action seems deliberately antagonist.

DramaRamaLlama · 30/05/2019 12:04

That would be very hurtful. As a pp stated inheritances are often a way of demonstrating value and I can understand why you'd perceive this as a slight.

Can you talk to your parents? Making it clear it's not about the money but about your relationship generally.

A relative cut me out of a will. My siblings have always made it clear that they'll split the money with me. In reality I won't accept, because it means more to them than me but I appreciate their loyalty hugely.

LittleRedMushroom · 30/05/2019 12:04

Ask them if they intend to adjust their will for every gift your DB has received from his PILs?

Roussette · 30/05/2019 12:05

icecream ouch! The OP has already said she hasn't said anything to them, this is an anonymous forum and she's just asking opinions. You sound charming.

If I had one child who really struggled with money and health, and another one who owned numerous properties and went on exotic holidays and was really well off, I would be so touched that my sister or brother helped them out with a house deposit. I would be thanking them profusely and thinking how lovely that my DD had a bit of good luck here.

Faultymain5 · 30/05/2019 12:05

Totally fine for your parents to do what they like with their money. At the same time, it's none of their business what your aunt does with her money. Even I, who does not care for inheritance and have told my mother that I don't want nor need anything, think your parents are wrong on this one.

Walkamileinmyshoesbeforeujudge · 30/05/2019 12:06

Make a mental note to self op that when the time comes and they need help, remind them who the golden child is....
They have been spiteful imo.

And I would struggle to forgive that.

LimeTreeGrove · 30/05/2019 12:06

You chose to have a child knowing you couldn't work so knew the financial impact of that decision
Wow, how kind!

timeisnotaline · 30/05/2019 12:07

I’d be hurt. I think I’d probably say ask my parents if they were going to adjust it again to balance anything db and wife received from his in laws , or did they only like to rebalance so Dh and I lose out. It’s their money and their right but I couldn’t help comment on the value statement it made to me.