Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - parents changed their will

181 replies

Mereday · 30/05/2019 11:42

I'll try to paint as clear a picture of as possible!

My DH and I are sometimes struggling financially because I have been unable to work due to illness for most of my adult life. We do OK mostly, but we are living off one (below national average) salary so we can't afford luxuries or holidays. Anyway, that's just how it is, and we are managing, so it's all right.

In contrast, my brother has done really well for himself! He's smart, driven and has a great mind for business, and he married a very wealthy lady who is equally smart and driven. We get along well - I think that's important to say - but their lives are very different from ours. They're constantly away on exotic holidays, they have a gardener, a nanny and a housekeeper, and they own multiple properties. In short, they are just extremely well off. They work hard, but they love it too.

My DH and I are close with my aunt and uncle, who have no children of their own. We had been on the lookout for a small flat, our first, and found one we loved, but we could not quite afford it. My aunt and uncle decided they wanted to help us out and paid for the deposit out of their savings - a very generous gift for which we were really grateful.

Anyway, my parents now heard about this gift, and while they are happy for us, they thought it unfair towards my brother. So they have decided to change their will: my brother will now get that same sum out of our joint inheritance and any remainder will be split between us. Of course I did not say anything - it's my parents' money and all - but I cannot help feeling a little hard done by. That money is absolutely nothing to my brother - he told me he did not care either way - and would be a windfall to DH, me and our DS.

I'm not sure why it bothers me. It is fair, but not equal? Equal, but not fair? Brother's family is set to inherit millions through his wife's parents as well, whereas DH has a working class background. As I said, I did not protest when my parents told us, but looking at my DS just now who will have so much less than his cousins already - sometimes that hurts and I just felt it all of a sudden. So, Mumsnet, are my feelings unreasonable?

OP posts:
pallisers · 31/05/2019 00:56

other than an attempt to be scrupulously fair

how on earth is is being scrupulously fair to add up all the gifts your children get and deduct them from their inheritance? It is just weird. Should the parents deduct every bonus the brother gets? Or any windfall his wife gets? They'd need a good calculator and a solicitor on speed dial.

Being fair is to divide your estate between your children (unless one of them has additional needs or one of them has substantially benefited from an inheritance the other's haven't). Deducting the gift another family member - doing it because she knew the child needed it to buy a small flat - has given your child isn't fair - certainly not in these circumstances.

Barchester · 31/05/2019 01:43

I can understand OP's parents' position, strange though it may seem. However, I am bemused that nobody to date has criticised OP's brother. If he is as wealthy as OP claimed and does not need any money from his parents, the decent thing for him to have done would have been to tell his parents that he did not need this "balancing" sum in relation to the OP's gift from the aunt and uncle and that he was delighted that OP received the deposit AND also asked his parents not to leave him anything in their Wills. (Note it is likely to be two Wills, not one Will, as a previous poster correctly said.)

I have a friend who is a childless bachelor and is very wealthy. He has a brother who, although reasonably well off, is nowhere near as wealthy as my friend and the brother is married with three children. My friend asked his parents to leave him nothing in their wills and to leave everything to his brother, which they did. I am sure that, if his parents had insisted on a 50/50 split between their two sons despite my friend's request, my friend would have entered into a "deed of variation" within two years of his surviving parent's death, passing his share to his brother.

I hope that OP's brother does the decent thing and either asks his parents to leave nothing to him or passes his inheritance from his parents to OP after their parents' deaths. OP's brother said that "he did not care either way" but I am afraid that actions speak louder than words. It is interesting that OP's brother never suggested that he would make a gift of the deposit to OP and he is presumably much wealthier than OP's generous uncle and aunt who had to use their savings for their gift.

Namenic · 31/05/2019 01:52

We have kept a note of the birthday and present money given to our 2 kids. 1st kid has had more in total as distant relatives gave more for 1st child in a family. We have decided to keep it in savings for them but to put more money into 2nd child’s savings so they end up with same amount.

OP has had a benefit of receiving money now (rather than later). It can be looked at both ways but the more important thing is intention and keeping good relations. It sounds like OPs parents are intending to be fair - so would probably be good to let it slide (even if you think it’s unfair). Don’t let it spoil your good relationships!

RaptorWhiskers · 31/05/2019 02:03

So when DB inherits a fortune from his wife’s parents, will your parents be changing their will to give you everything?

Your parents have acted wrongly. They can only treat you both equally. They can’t try to equalise every other circumstance in your life - everything you earn, inherit or win from other sources.

malificent7 · 31/05/2019 05:42

Your parents are horrible and your brother is the golden child. Flowers

Roussette · 31/05/2019 06:57

We have kept a note of the birthday and present money given to our 2 kids. 1st kid has had more in total as distant relatives gave more for 1st child in a family. We have decided to keep it in savings for them but to put more money into 2nd child’s savings so they end up with same amount

Gosh... I cannot imagine doing this, surely it's just life? My 1st DC was alive when one GP died. She was left some money. All kids had savings accounts so she had more in hers than the other 2. I never dreampt I should even it up. Now they are all working adults, it's honestly irrelevant. They all earn different amounts anyway. They've never resented anything like this, DC2 wasn't alive when GP died so that's that. I would think my parenting was lacking if they moaned about somthing like this. Life throws you curve balls sometimes, it's never going to be equal.

I am always one for making it fair in a Will. However....

If the parents had given the OP some money in advance, fine to adjust the Will. BUT they haven't! They presume (because it is a presumption) that Aunt and Uncle are bequething them everything, Aunt and Unce have given OP some money, and they have adjust THEIR wills accordingly. Not right.

What happens if Aunt and Uncle change their minds and leave their money elsewhere anyway....

TitianaTitsling · 31/05/2019 10:02

The OP was happy to accept a large chunk of money knowing her sibling wasn't getting any so doesn't have the right to complain if he gets more elsewhere to even things up. This. She got money, he got money- no-one is bereft!

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 31/05/2019 14:22

Prawn, never ever rely on promise from anyone to look after you in old age.

I'm not, Drasticaction. It's my DF who believes it. And it may be that he's right. Either way it's not down to me, so I just have to accept his decision.

awalkintheparka · 31/05/2019 14:33

OP you sound absolutely lovely

DroningOn · 01/06/2019 08:49

When your aunt and uncle die it sound like you and your DH might be the recipients of their estate.

Will and adjustment be made for that too?

Stiffasaboard · 01/06/2019 08:56

Your parents are cruel and I can not see any justification for their actions

What your aunt has kindly agreed to do is nothing to do with them.

If your brother’s in laws die and leave him and his wife millions can you ask your parents if they intend to take account of it in their will?

If I was your brother I would be telling your parents I don’t want and wouldn’t accept the extra money from them.

Movinghouseatlast · 01/06/2019 08:57

It isn't unreasonable to feel the way you do at all. I would feel the same.

My partners sister is extremely well off, lots of properties, over half a million in the bank. We have had some very tough financial times due to redundancy etc.

My partners parents left their will equally so it would be fair. The knocked off from my partners portion some money they gave him to get out of a very bad financial hole. The extra amount that ended up going to his sister was an absolute drop in the ocean to her but would have meant SO much to us.

Birdie6 · 01/06/2019 08:57

Think of it this way .....for many people, by the time they die there is no money left, since aged care has eaten up all their funds. So worrying about inheritances is pointless . I'd suck it up and move on, OP. You got a nice donation from your aunt and uncle, life has improved for you , so good luck .

UserName31456789 · 01/06/2019 08:58

If I was your dB I would leave entire inheritance to you as it sounds like they wouldn't miss it.

Thequaffle · 01/06/2019 09:04

YANBU. Your parents shouldn’t have changed their will, especially since there is such a difference in your earnings compared to your DB already. It’s not their place to “equalise” on behalf of your aunt and uncle.

morallybankruptme · 01/06/2019 09:08

Yes youre being unreasonable

It's your parents money and they can do with it what they like. As you say you're managing just fine. Money won't make you happier. I'm sure your brother and his wife have their issues as well. Money never leads to a happy marriage.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 01/06/2019 09:13

The brothers earnings are irrelevant. You don't leave less to one child because they dared make a success of their life money wise. You treat children the same regardless.

I wonder what the parents would say if they knew the OP was cross at this change? They have tried to take away the unfairness of a family gift to one and not the other.

ForalltheSaints · 01/06/2019 09:18

It is your parents' choice as to how they leave their money etc, but I am surprised they told you, and can understand your being upset. Hopefully they will be alive for many more years to come and your fortunes will have improved.

swissmilk · 01/06/2019 09:21

Very, very, very mean of your parents.

RoguePudding · 01/06/2019 09:25

The brothers earnings are irrelevant. You don't leave less to one child because they dared make a success of their life money wise. You treat children the same regardless. I wonder what the parents would say if they knew the OP was cross at this change? They have tried to take away the unfairness of a family gift to one and not the other.

But they are not leaving the same amount to their children - they are leaving more to the brother. What makes a gift different from, for example, a bonus at work? Aunt and Uncle obviously thought it was worth spending their money on OP specifically. Being successful at work is not the only way to "win" in life - and if it is, it is a sad world indeed.

Cobblersandhogwash · 01/06/2019 09:25

Every time you get a gift are your parents going to deduct from your share of the inheritance??

Cobblersandhogwash · 01/06/2019 09:29

I think your parents sound petty and mean. Yes it's their money. But it's still petty and mean.

Do you think thy were irritated that some of their inheritance from your aunt and uncle went to you?

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 01/06/2019 09:51

Do you think thy were irritated that some of their inheritance from your aunt and uncle went to you

I think they were upset that their family treated their two children very differently. Most parents would be. They have the means to even it out and so have done so that both inherit from their family the same.

I'd be upset if my child took a large gift knowing their siblings wasn't getting the same then complained when it meant they got less later. Happy to benefit themselves but then cross when they know it was made equal.

The wife's family is separate, that's nothing to do with them and they could split etc before anything every happened.

Boulezvous · 01/06/2019 09:55

I think parents should always split inheritance equally - whatever the rationale it makes kids feel unloved if they don't get an equal share (though your brother could still give you back your share if he chose after they die).

However, I think your aunt and uncle should have offered to help your brother too on the same principle.

RoguePudding · 01/06/2019 10:02

I'd be upset if my child took a large gift knowing their siblings wasn't getting the same then complained when it meant they got less later. Happy to benefit themselves but then cross when they know it was made equal.

But you wouldn't be upset if one child - for example - took advantage of a huge tax break while the other got her disability payments cut because the government has a budget deficit? Would you try to make that right?

Swipe left for the next trending thread