AIBU - parents changed their will

[Mereday]

I'll try to paint as clear a picture of as possible!

My DH and I are sometimes struggling financially because I have been unable to work due to illness for most of my adult life. We do OK mostly, but we are living off one (below national average) salary so we can't afford luxuries or holidays. Anyway, that's just how it is, and we are managing, so it's all right.

In contrast, my brother has done really well for himself! He's smart, driven and has a great mind for business, and he married a very wealthy lady who is equally smart and driven. We get along well - I think that's important to say - but their lives are very different from ours. They're constantly away on exotic holidays, they have a gardener, a nanny and a housekeeper, and they own multiple properties. In short, they are just extremely well off. They work hard, but they love it too.

My DH and I are close with my aunt and uncle, who have no children of their own. We had been on the lookout for a small flat, our first, and found one we loved, but we could not quite afford it. My aunt and uncle decided they wanted to help us out and paid for the deposit out of their savings - a very generous gift for which we were really grateful.

Anyway, my parents now heard about this gift, and while they are happy for us, they thought it unfair towards my brother. So they have decided to change their will: my brother will now get that same sum out of our joint inheritance and any remainder will be split between us. Of course I did not say anything - it's my parents' money and all - but I cannot help feeling a little hard done by. That money is absolutely nothing to my brother - he told me he did not care either way - and would be a windfall to DH, me and our DS.

I'm not sure why it bothers me. It is fair, but not equal? Equal, but not fair? Brother's family is set to inherit millions through his wife's parents as well, whereas DH has a working class background. As I said, I did not protest when my parents told us, but looking at my DS just now who will have so much less than his cousins already - sometimes that hurts and I just felt it all of a sudden. So, Mumsnet, are my feelings unreasonable?

My sister is the golden child and my parents have always looked after her financially .....I was told by my mum after my dad died that she was leaving everything to my sister.....I was upset but not surprised....my mum is getting to the stage where she will become housebound....am I going to offer to help out....NO....am I going to move abroad next year YES....Will I be going to het funeral NO......i owe her nothing she has treated me badly over the years .....karma will be sweet

Op, I am sorry but I think that you are being unfair

Your brother has been very successful and you has made choices that afford him a luxurious lifestyle. Your life has planned out differently for now..
Things may change, you may find that Lady Luck finds you and things get better for you.. You are fortunate that your aunt and uncle have you a deposit for a flat
Things may get worse for your brother, who knows what tomorrow may bring .
It’s almost as though you expect that your life should be equal to his, by dint of the fact that you are siblings. That’s not the way life is.
Your parents probably feel that it is unfair that you get a deposit and your brother doesn’t get anything from your aunt and uncle, which is why they changed their will.
I understand your point , but I understand theirs too

You chose to have a child knowing you couldn't work so knew the financial impact of that decision

That could be interpreted as saying that people with various types of medical conditions or disabilities should not have children. Hopefully it wasn't meant that way.

OP, I find your parents' decision odd. I see why it bothers you (it would bother me), but I guess that in the end there isn't an awful lot you can do about it.

I suppose they think they are being fair, but in fact you could argue that they are getting tied up in knots unnecessarily and are creating a situation that didn't exist.

Our wills are set up to split all assets equally between our three daughters. It would never even occur to me to do it any other way. I won't be taking account of any other gifts that come in to any of them as time goes on. My final gift to each of them will be equal.

The aunt and uncle are the OPs family and are exactly the same relation to the DB as they are to the OP. Therefore they would expect them to treat them the same

Yes, that makes sense - especially as it turns out these parents will inherit from the aunt and uncle, and (presumably) planned to leave it 50/50 to OP and her DB

But just as the DPs decide what to do with their own money, so do their siblings; call me dense, but it just seems a bit heavy handed to adjust the will because of what somebody else has opted for

As said, it wouldn't surprise me if there was a bit more to this ...

I do think it’s a bit unfair but I can see where they are coming from. One of the issues really is that you can’t even up inequality between children and grandchildren without doing something that is potentially unfair and upsetting. In your case the perceived unfairness that they are trying to solve actually makes things worse for the poorer child (you). The more people try to redress any perceived inbalances, the more likely things are to get complicated and for things to be cocked up.

You can change a will up to 2 years after a death if all beneficiaries agree. So it would be possible, should your brother agree, for you to be left a larger share than him. We did this when my vindictive DM decided to bequeath more to our son [her grandson] than to me. It had all come from my DF anyway and was NOT what he would have wanted. Our DS knew it was unfair and so we changed the amounts back to what it should rightfully have been.

www.gov.uk/alter-a-will-after-a-death

If I were the aunt and uncle, I'd be annoyed not embarassed and might even consider changing my will to leave money directly to the op, bypassing the mum and dad entirely

Me too

As much as posters say that people can leave money to who they want, it's their choice etc, I doubt Aunt and Uncle were expecting the parents to disinherit their DD by the amount they generously gave to her. I'd bypass them too.

I also find it a bit weird than an aunt and uncle are leaving their money to their siblings, why is not going to a younger generation. It starts to get complicated if you are similar ages and beneficiaries pre-decease you

It's a tricky one but from what you've said about your relationships it does sound as though they're trying their best to be fair and site they love you all equally and treating the deposit as a sort of 'early inheritance'. It's usually best to try to take things in the spirit they're intended even if it's not quite how you'd look at things yourself.

Having a lovely harmonious relationship with immediate family is with its weight in gold as I think you are completely aware so I agree with your instinct not to rock the boat in this instance when you're not really 'entitled' to expect anything (and lots of people get no inheritance at all).

(I also think that you may find that your brother offers to make some adjustments when the time comes and he's confronted with being given more than a straight 50% split - though of course you shouldn't count on it!)

I am never convinced of the "their money their choice" argument on Mumsnet. On the Continent parents are bound legally to be fair in wills and not throw it all at a cat home or some such. However, I appreciate how tricky it is. When growing up we lived a very frugal life. We all worked in school holidays in the family business. All money was thrown into the collective pot. Everyone, from a early age, was complicit in the need to save money and not spend. It was directed and managed by the adults but we all chipped in. Therefore, I think it is not as clear cut or blunt as"their money, their choice".
The creation of wealth/financial health or just plain old survival in a family has an impact on the entire family and all (even young children) contribute in their own way.
In this case I think the OP's parents were VU. She got a gift. They penalized her for it. I also think the DB is VU. He should have called it thus.

I personally believe each child should have an equal share regardless of their financial position .However this is just my opinion.Even when one wealthy and one not as in your case .Anything could happen he may divorce his wife in the future ,have trouble with his company ,Be grateful for your financial help !

That's a really weird thing for your parents to do, imo. By the same token, do they match your brother's salary and make up the shortfall to you? No, of course not. It's not up to parents to make sure that the rest of the world treats their children identically. So, I get why you'd feel a bit upset about that, OP, and I think if it were me, I probably would try to explain that to my parents. Whether you want to do that depends a lot on your family dynamics, obviously.

if those savings had not been spent on our deposit, they might have eventually ended up 50/50 between my brother and myself

There's a lot of 'might' in that sentence. Money now is not the same as possible inheritance later. Especially inheritance through two stages like this! Your aunt and uncle are free to do whatever they want with their money now, regardless of who might eventually inherit it in two generations time.

Thank you to everyone who commented. I have both a better understanding of my own feelings, as well as a better understanding of my parents' thought process.

I personally think they are fine to do that. I think it should be fair regardless of the financial situation especially since financial situations change all the time. Your brother might be in financial trouble by the time your parents pass away. Lots of things could change.
I'm wondering how big the deposit was though? If it's huge I could further see their reasoning.
And as for your illness are your parents generally supportive of it?

I have 2 children I have a joint will with my husband that leaves everything equally between them. We wouldn't change it if one of them was given some money by someone else. To me that seems a very odd and unkind thing to do so no I don't think you are being unreasonable to feel hurt.

YANBU

I don’t get why what you aunt gives you is relevant

It sounds as though your parents are trying to be scrupulously fair and evenhanded, so it comes from a good place. Of course it's also their absolute right to do what they want with their wills.

You've been given enough by other relatives to enable you to buy a house, which is fab, so you've already been pretty lucky.

I hope they aren't expecting you to look after them in their old age....anyway you will be enjoying your fabulous new house....yes a bit mean but it is their money.

Yanbu.

They've made s big statement out of something that was absolutely nothing to do with them whatsoever.

The money came from your aunt and uncle, so why should your brother get extra from your parents? It's such a bizzare thing to do.

I'd imagine it's turned a lovely gift into something quite sour.

Your brother, if he had any decency would set your parents straight in no uncertain terms.

It's their money but at the same time what your aunt and uncle do is none of their business.

The person who mentioned winning £100k and them changing it as a result to penalise you is a good analogy I think

Maybe your parents are embarrassed/hurt that one of their siblings is favouring you and are trying to redress the balance
⬆️ this...

OP, with all the respect in the world, you are still in a very lucky position that you have relatives that are so caring.

As someone said, enjoy the flat.

On the Continent parents are bound legally to be fair in wills and not throw it all at a cat home or some such

Yes, something I fundamentally disagree with. My money: I decide what happens to it. I guess if I lived in France I would aim to spend it all before I died - not sure you need to worry about care home fees there. I think it's similar in Germany too.

Someone I know who is a bus driver, so on a low income, lived with his parents and looked after them until they died. His two siblings are very wealthy. His parents left the house to the three siblings in equal shares. So unfair. And the siblings are grasping selfish CFs and evicted him to get their shares. Fortunately he had bought a flat along the way so he had somewhere to live. Nasty siblings and stupid parents.

The money came from your aunt and uncle, so why should your brother get extra from your parents? It's such a bizzare thing to do
the parents here have acted to preserve the status quo, ie keep the bother in the top position as the most privileged one

they want to keep the OP in a 'one down' position with respect to her brother