AIBU - parents changed their will

[Mereday]

I'll try to paint as clear a picture of as possible!

My DH and I are sometimes struggling financially because I have been unable to work due to illness for most of my adult life. We do OK mostly, but we are living off one (below national average) salary so we can't afford luxuries or holidays. Anyway, that's just how it is, and we are managing, so it's all right.

In contrast, my brother has done really well for himself! He's smart, driven and has a great mind for business, and he married a very wealthy lady who is equally smart and driven. We get along well - I think that's important to say - but their lives are very different from ours. They're constantly away on exotic holidays, they have a gardener, a nanny and a housekeeper, and they own multiple properties. In short, they are just extremely well off. They work hard, but they love it too.

My DH and I are close with my aunt and uncle, who have no children of their own. We had been on the lookout for a small flat, our first, and found one we loved, but we could not quite afford it. My aunt and uncle decided they wanted to help us out and paid for the deposit out of their savings - a very generous gift for which we were really grateful.

Anyway, my parents now heard about this gift, and while they are happy for us, they thought it unfair towards my brother. So they have decided to change their will: my brother will now get that same sum out of our joint inheritance and any remainder will be split between us. Of course I did not say anything - it's my parents' money and all - but I cannot help feeling a little hard done by. That money is absolutely nothing to my brother - he told me he did not care either way - and would be a windfall to DH, me and our DS.

I'm not sure why it bothers me. It is fair, but not equal? Equal, but not fair? Brother's family is set to inherit millions through his wife's parents as well, whereas DH has a working class background. As I said, I did not protest when my parents told us, but looking at my DS just now who will have so much less than his cousins already - sometimes that hurts and I just felt it all of a sudden. So, Mumsnet, are my feelings unreasonable?

Well, there is absolutely nothing stopping your brother renouncing his bequest when the time comes, if he feels in no need of the gift.

Then it would all come to you anyway.

It's a bit odd for your parents to do that as really it was nothing to do with them, but I can see their logic - they want their childrens' inheritances from their family to be equal.

I think you should just think yourself lucky you were given a large amount of money to start with tbh. Most people don't get gifted the deposit for a property. You've had the benefit of that money now, when you need it too.

I don't see the point of comparing how much inheritance your children might come into one day to their cousins' prospects... surely this is often unequal?

I'd have asked them if, when your brother receives the money from his wife's family, will they be changing their will to ensure you get the same amount?

That money was nothing to do with them and they shouldn't have pushed themselves into your business with this will nonsense. Surely your brother will tell them No?

When the time comes, you should contest it

OP, I think that's awful! What your parents have effectively done is spend your aunt/uncle's generous gift on your brother, when you think about it. If I was your aunt/uncle, I would be mortified that my thoughtfulness had had this knock on effect! Do they know? Maybe drop it into conversation with them... As pp have said though, it's not worth driving a wedge between your family over, so you'll probably have to try and rise above it. I hope you're enjoying your new home :)

Yanbu to be hurt by this. You can never be on an equal footing with your brother due to medical factors outwith anyone’s control. Your aunt and uncle generously decided to offer assistance where they could and your parents don’t seem to want you to get the benefit of that.
There’s a difference between equity and equality.

It’s not appropriate to start debates with people about the contents of their wills, and people who choose to do so should be warned that they might end up being cut out altogether. People take it quite personally.

Have they actually changed their wills or just announced that they intend to?
IME people say they are going to make changes but don't actually do it.
If your DB is an executor, he can request an equal split, I think. ie refuse his 'extra' portion.

For all those suggesting the parents havent changed their will to take into account anything the OPs brother is left by his in laws. Thats because they are not the OPs family. The aunt and uncle are the OPs family and are exactly the same relation to the DB as they are to the OP. Therefore they would expect them to treat them the same.

Yes, I think this is their reasoning. They are not hurt that my aunt and uncle paid for our deposit, but they do feel there is a balance to redress.

And my parents are my aunt and uncle's heirs. So if those savings had not been spent on our deposit, they might have eventually ended up 50/50 between my brother and myself, so it's not like I think my parents are being deliberately spiteful - they are doing what they think is fair. It just does not feel entirely fair.

You are still getting the same amount of money from your parents - you've just had part of it early from your Uncle and Aunt

Eh? My finances and bequeaths in my Will are nothing to do with my brother or sister's will.

My brother had a rich Godparent who left him a wodge when he died. My DM & DF didn't adjust their Wills accordingly because of this as it was nothing to do with them.

Tell your aunt and uncle. Maybe they will make you their beneficiary instead!

While it's their money, their will etc, this seems such an unnecessary, petty and spiteful thing to do.

Your aunt's gift to your and your dh wasn't theirs - there's no logical reason that it should have made them decide to change their will.

If another relative gifts you or your brother money, will they change their will again?

Agree that you will have to rise above it and try to focus on your aunt's gift and what it means to your family now, but you're not unreasonable at all to feel hurt by this.

Have they actually done the change?

I just can't imagine being so petty as to ... make an appointment with my Solicitor. Go in and ask them to reduce the bequest to my DD by £blah blah amount, then have Will posted to me for signature, have to get it witnessed, then get it back to the Solicitors.

Very petty of them.

"And my parents are my aunt and uncle's heirs. So if those savings had not been spent on our deposit, they might have eventually ended up 50/50 between my brother and myself, so it's not like I think my parents are being deliberately spiteful - they are doing what they think is fair. It just does not feel entirely fair."

In which case - they should only give your brother 50% of it, if that is what he has "lost"!

@Mereday so basically then, the money you & your brother will get form your parents will be COMING from your aunt & uncle when they pass away so how isn't it fair? Would you mind if your brother was not well of?

Iv never understood people who don't think something is 'fair' in a will, its not your money to decide were it goes, feel lucky your getting even £10 some people get NOTHING when there parents pass away, not even belongings.

I'm sure it doesn't feel fair OP but try and imagine your DS had a sibling and your DB gave one of them a significant amount of money but didn't give the other one any. How would you feel. I know people will say your DB doesn't need it but as a parent would you not feel a bit hurt that your siblings were favouring one child over the other.

It feels inherently wrong to me. If I were the aunt and uncle, I’d be considering changing my will as well. It’s very high handed to make decisions based on how other people handle their money.

It's not 'favouring'. It's an attempt to level the playing field when the odds have massively been stacked against OP because of her ill health which she can't help.

If OP's parents have the right to decide what to do with their money, so does OP's aunt surely?

There's nothing you can do really but when the time comes that they need help from you ....remember how they treated you
Seriously prepare yourself for the future and make sure the golden child bears the burden when they are frail and old because if you just go with the flow you will find yourself doing all the donkey work while he skips off enjoying his exotic life

So your brother won't now get an inheritance from his aunt because you have had it all early but it's not fair that you are getting less now from your parents??

@chiccroissant

Slightly ironic, OP, that you mention your feeling of your DS being treated differently because that's exactly how your parents feel about their own DS, your brother

But it's not the same is it? The OP is sad because her son will have much less than his cousins. Not because it's "not fair" in some capacity, but because practically he will have more limited experiences, options etc. By the sounds of it, even if their parents left the OP all their wordly goods, her brother (their son) would still have more than her. Which is fine. But there is no balance to be redressed here, because even with the kind gift from their aunt and uncle, the brother is still 'winning at life' in comparison, isn't he?

Isn't it a bit ridiculous to get all indignant on behalf of someone who owns a bloody cake shop because they don't get exactly half of the cookie that their sibling with basically nothing gets?

I'm baffled by why your parents changed their will based on money given to you by someone else

Yes it's totally weird.

i am not into the equality thing anyway. Admittedly I don't have siblings and only have an only child, so the issue won't arise. But if I had two children and one was massively wealthier than the other, I would probably leave more of my estate to the poorer one, assuming the poorer one wasn't poor because they were feckless. Mind you, I probably wouldn't wait until I was dead to help them out.

Hopefully the OP's brother will give her the money anyway if he and his wife are so comfortable.

How much are we talking, by the way? If a 5% deposit on a £100,000 property, well, it seems a bit petty. If a £20,000 deposit on a £200,000...

Let’s also not forget that any inheritance received by the OP’s SIL is legally hers, unless the couple divorce. She may have no interest in sharing it, and it has sod all to do with any family money on the OP’s side.

SO that money was to be inherited by your DPs. MAybe they see it as you getting some of their money. That might explain their pettiness. But as you have health problems and aren't blowing money extravagantly it is pretty mean of them.

I don't see the point of comparing how much inheritance your children might come into one day to their cousins' prospects... surely this is often unequal?

That is true! Thing is - I never really cared about the difference between our incomes and lifestyles before, but our kids are about the same age, and as they are growing up, when I see the opportunities my nieces have that I can never really provide for DS - it made me a little more aware of the vast differences between our lives. And I know love is what matters, and DS is well cared for and a happy kid, but sometimes it is very confronting, even when it comes to small things (joint Christmas requires some careful negotiation because of the present discrepancy, for example).

So your brother won't now get an inheritance from his aunt because you have had it all early but it's not fair that you are getting less now from your parents

The OP's brother doesn't need it. It's not about fairness, it's about need.