AIBU - parents changed their will

[Mereday]

I'll try to paint as clear a picture of as possible!

My DH and I are sometimes struggling financially because I have been unable to work due to illness for most of my adult life. We do OK mostly, but we are living off one (below national average) salary so we can't afford luxuries or holidays. Anyway, that's just how it is, and we are managing, so it's all right.

In contrast, my brother has done really well for himself! He's smart, driven and has a great mind for business, and he married a very wealthy lady who is equally smart and driven. We get along well - I think that's important to say - but their lives are very different from ours. They're constantly away on exotic holidays, they have a gardener, a nanny and a housekeeper, and they own multiple properties. In short, they are just extremely well off. They work hard, but they love it too.

My DH and I are close with my aunt and uncle, who have no children of their own. We had been on the lookout for a small flat, our first, and found one we loved, but we could not quite afford it. My aunt and uncle decided they wanted to help us out and paid for the deposit out of their savings - a very generous gift for which we were really grateful.

Anyway, my parents now heard about this gift, and while they are happy for us, they thought it unfair towards my brother. So they have decided to change their will: my brother will now get that same sum out of our joint inheritance and any remainder will be split between us. Of course I did not say anything - it's my parents' money and all - but I cannot help feeling a little hard done by. That money is absolutely nothing to my brother - he told me he did not care either way - and would be a windfall to DH, me and our DS.

I'm not sure why it bothers me. It is fair, but not equal? Equal, but not fair? Brother's family is set to inherit millions through his wife's parents as well, whereas DH has a working class background. As I said, I did not protest when my parents told us, but looking at my DS just now who will have so much less than his cousins already - sometimes that hurts and I just felt it all of a sudden. So, Mumsnet, are my feelings unreasonable?

That's awful OP. I'm so sorry. Some people have a weird idea of what is fair. In your DB's shoes, I'd be saying something.

If your brother inherits from his PIL will they cut him out of their will to make things fair to you?

I'm baffled by why your parents changed their will based on money given to you by someone else. Your brother married someone wealthy, did they decide to give less inheritance to your brother because his wife had money from family? Very odd and I'd be unhappy too.

I have a similar situation in my family, which is also very close My health is poor and I was widowed when my DC were still at primary school.

I have two DBs and one is very wealthy. My DPs spoke to him, suggesting that they split their estate between my other DB and myself. He said he'd find that hurtful and suggested his share be left to his 3 DC. He said he understood my DPs concern for me, and my vulnerable position, and promised that if they left his share of their estate to his DC he would make sure I was looked after if I was left destitute in my old age.

Your situation is far more unfair, it seems to me. If your DPs had given you the deposit then this adjustment would be fair enough, but your aunt and uncle gave you that money and I don't think it's any of your DPs business.

Only you will know how best to tackle your DPs but I think they need to know that this is really unfair and might drive a wedge between you and your DB. But if you can't get them to reconsider you're going to have to try not to let it damage the relationship between you and him.

The best solution would be for your DB to refuse to accept the money. Have you spoken to him about this?

I can see why you feel pissed off, but ultimately it’s up to them.

But at least you have money now, tangible, that you can spend. Your DP’s money might be spent or eaten up by care costs, and DB may become too ill to work or fall on hard times. Comparison is the third of joy, as the saying goes. Why not just be grateful for what you have?

@Mereday - is it possible that your brother will see how inequitable this new will is, and will redress the balance when they inherit? That's what I would do. Because of course, it is your parents' money to leave as they wish, but once you and your brother have inherited, his share is his to do with as he wishes, so he could easily sort this out.

Ask them if they intend to adjust their will for every gift your DB has received from his PILs?

A few people have picked up on this. I think it's a very valid point and why it feels unfair. They adjust their will so you lose out, but not your DB.

They likely see any money or inheritance from his wife's side a spouse hers not his.

This came from their family, their two children were treated very differently. One was gifted a house deposit, the other not. I'd be very hurt as a parent if one of my children was left out so significantly.

I think thats really bad of your parents, they should treat their children equally- what your aunt/uncle chose to do for you is a separate matter.

I definitely see why you are upset but it is their money to bequeath as they wish.

Having said that, once they are dead and the money comes to you and your DB, there is nothing to stop him gifting all or part of his share to you if he thinks it right - he won't need it, barely notice it it sounds like judging by what you say about his wealth. And at that point it is his money, to do with as he pleases to make him happy.

Nothing in the same league as she had almost nothing, but my mum died last year, I was named executor, and she stipulated she wanted 2/3 of the value of her estate to go to me and 1/3 to my sister (she was closer with me than with sister towards the end of her life and wanted to make a point a bit I think). We're getting the proceeds of the house sale soon, and I will be splitting it equally, as I think it was a bit of a mean thing to do, I love my sister, neither of us ever expected or relied on anything from our mum as she was broke (and died suddenly, well before her time) so there's no harm to anyone to just do what feels right for us as siblings. The dead don't care.

You sound like a good person; keep on not letting jealousy get in the way of your good relationship with your brother, and don't let this (IMO silly) behaviour by your parents stir the pot. What did they even tell you for anyway? What point are they trying to make?

Awww I can understand completely why this rankles. And it seems an odd decision for your parents to take.

However it seems that you have an enviably close and warm family. So many other families are tainted and riven due to money issues. Maybe just enjoy the flat.

@IceCreamandCandyFloss

I'd be very hurt as a parent if one of my children was left out so significantly

Really? Even if the one 'left out' has that kind of money as pocket change, and the other needs it to secure a basic life essential for your grandchild? Really? Is principle that much more important than the realisties of the situation?

I think most of us would be hurt, but one could go mad trying to understand the motivations of others.

Let yourself be disappointed for a while, then focus on your lovely new home, and the fact that you have an Aunt and Uncle who love the dickens out of you. :)

Your parents are odd.

Your aunt and uncle after helping you out may give decide to leave the same amount to your brother, therefore it's none of your parents business.

Normally I’m of the opinion that people can leave their money to who they want but I think that changing their will because of money someone else has given you is pretty unfair.
Like a PP said, they haven’t changed their will based on how much your brother will get from his in laws
I can see why this would upset you

I think it’s a really shitty thing for them to do. If I were your brother I’d be telling them I didn’t want them to do it though.

Slightly ironic, OP, that you mention your feeling of your DS being treated differently because that's exactly how your parents feel about their own DS, your brother.

but looking at my DS just now who will have so much less than his cousins already - sometimes that hurts and I just felt it all of a sudden.

You are still getting the same amount of money from your parents - you've just had part of it early from your Uncle and Aunt. As a PP said, if there are any problem and your parents end up using their savings you'll have ended up with more than your brother anyway.

I think I'd be more hurt if I was a parent and learned my daughter was online complaining about the percentage she would receive of my hard earned money once I'd kicked the bucket. The level of expectancy is astounding.

Perhaps try to just crack on and enjoy them whilst they're here rather than sitting there counting how many pennies you and your brother will get when they die. It's ghoulish.

Just to be pedantic - a couple does not have "a will". Each party to a marriage or other relationship can make an individual will, disposing of their own individual assets and their share of any jointly-owned assets, and in many cases spouses make "mirror wills", leaving all of their assets to the survivor.

Maybe your parents are embarrassed/hurt that one of their siblings is favouring you and are trying to redress the balance. It's nothing to do with how much money he has or how much he might get when his wife inherits. Having said that its not really their place to make up for any perceived slight.

I haven't spoken to my brother about this for the same reason I haven't spoken to my parents - I don't want money to come between us (and I know this may be a challenge sometimes even without disputes over wills, just because his life and perspective is so different from ours).

However it seems that you have an enviably close and warm family. So many other families are tainted and riven due to money issues. Maybe just enjoy the flat.

Thanks for that. :) I know if we were really in trouble, and if he could do anything at all, my brother would not allow us to end up on the streets or something, and that is really nice to know.

Try to put it out of your mind for now. When it comes to it, if you and your brother remain on good terms, you could agree to vary the terms of the will if it seems appropriate at that point in time. I agree it seems a totally over the top way to keep things "equal" - but try not to let it get in the way of your relationships.

I'm baffled by why your parents changed their will based on money given to you by someone else

So am I - and the point about whether they'd also change it because of what DB's family will get from his PIL is a valid one

It's one of those situations where I wonder if something we've not been told is influencing their decision, but nothing alters the fact that it's their money to do as they like with and I get the feeling that saying anything is only likely to make things worse

For all those suggesting the parents havent changed their will to take into account anything the OPs brother is left by his in laws. Thats because they are not the OPs family. The aunt and uncle are the OPs family and are exactly the same relation to the DB as they are to the OP. Therefore they would expect them to treat them the same.