AIBU - parents changed their will

[Mereday]

I'll try to paint as clear a picture of as possible!

My DH and I are sometimes struggling financially because I have been unable to work due to illness for most of my adult life. We do OK mostly, but we are living off one (below national average) salary so we can't afford luxuries or holidays. Anyway, that's just how it is, and we are managing, so it's all right.

In contrast, my brother has done really well for himself! He's smart, driven and has a great mind for business, and he married a very wealthy lady who is equally smart and driven. We get along well - I think that's important to say - but their lives are very different from ours. They're constantly away on exotic holidays, they have a gardener, a nanny and a housekeeper, and they own multiple properties. In short, they are just extremely well off. They work hard, but they love it too.

My DH and I are close with my aunt and uncle, who have no children of their own. We had been on the lookout for a small flat, our first, and found one we loved, but we could not quite afford it. My aunt and uncle decided they wanted to help us out and paid for the deposit out of their savings - a very generous gift for which we were really grateful.

Anyway, my parents now heard about this gift, and while they are happy for us, they thought it unfair towards my brother. So they have decided to change their will: my brother will now get that same sum out of our joint inheritance and any remainder will be split between us. Of course I did not say anything - it's my parents' money and all - but I cannot help feeling a little hard done by. That money is absolutely nothing to my brother - he told me he did not care either way - and would be a windfall to DH, me and our DS.

I'm not sure why it bothers me. It is fair, but not equal? Equal, but not fair? Brother's family is set to inherit millions through his wife's parents as well, whereas DH has a working class background. As I said, I did not protest when my parents told us, but looking at my DS just now who will have so much less than his cousins already - sometimes that hurts and I just felt it all of a sudden. So, Mumsnet, are my feelings unreasonable?

Personally I think it’s shitty behaviour however thinking about it me and my DP are in a better position financially than my sister and her partner. We are set to inherit quite a sizeable sum through my DPs side in the future, plus DP is a high earner.

However we are not married and I am not on the deeds of the house. If my Mother decided to disinherit me to redress the balance I would be devastated. I am very happy for an inheritance to be lost to any care home fees in the future. But if she purposely changed the will to give my sister the lions share I’m not sure I’d forgive that.

Someone I know who is a bus driver, so on a low income, lived with his parents and looked after them until they died. His two siblings are very wealthy. His parents left the house to the three siblings in equal shares. So unfair. And the siblings are grasping selfish CFs and evicted him to get their shares. Fortunately he had bought a flat along the way so he had somewhere to live. Nasty siblings and stupid parents.

The parents did the correct thing by leaving an equal inheritance for each child. Why the hell should two be disadvantaged because they have a brother who's a bus driver??!!!! They were all born equal, to the same parents.

I can't stand all this 'woe is me' and entitlement some people have.

Brother's family is set to inherit millions through his wife's parents as well, whereas DH has a working class background.

Maybe the OP should have married better?

Or if you accept that both married for love, then the fact that brother married into money and will inherit should be irrelevant.

The parents did the correct thing by leaving an equal inheritance for each child. Why the hell should two be disadvantaged because they have a brother who's a bus driver??!!!! They were all born equal, to the same parents.

Whereas I read that post differently. The bus driver took care of his parents to the end. He may not have been able to have a high-flying career because of those caring duties. And yet all three children inherited equally. Is that fair, when only one has shouldered the burden of care?

I agree @EggysMom two of my siblings live very close to my parents and do a lot of day to day stuff. If my parents reflect that in their wills I won't mind at all.

But I'm assuming the brother also lived rent free with his parents for many years so was benefiting from that already.
Correct me if I'm wrong.

Honestly, I don't think rent free is sufficient payback for providing personal care and the lack of freedom caring for elderly parents involves.

But either way that was his choice. How would a fair division look?

There are enough threads on here to assure me carers are not always caring because of free choice. Some do but some get left to it by others, some are forced into it by parents and guilt.

Treating people equally does not = treating them fairly

If the OP were skint because of drugs, being spendthrift etc, this action by the parents would be understandable

However - unless the OP - has left out something important - her income has been limited by her longterm illness
(and not winning the lottery of a wealthy spouse, with millions more to inherit)

Most parents would leave more to a chronically ill child, not less.

Of course, they are entitled to leave it all to a cats' home if they choose,
but this does seem like being too eager that Golden Bro doesn't lose out on anything.

The bus driver took care of his parents to the end. He may not have been able to have a high-flying career because of those caring duties. And yet all three children inherited equally. Is that fair, when only one has shouldered the burden of care?

Yet repeatedly on here we see people spouting about how end of life care should have no bearing on inheritance.

My understanding of the situation is that two of the three siblings were more successful than the one who chose to become a bus driver. The others may have moved away and the bus driver remained at home/in the area therefore took on the caring.

I certainly don't read it as he had to become a bus driver to accommodate caring for his parents.

There are enough threads on here to assure me carers are not always caring because of free choice. Some do but some get left to it by others, some are forced into it by parents and guilt.

...and some do it because they are hoping to get rewarded for it. I knew a woman who did this successfully. She admitted as much. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think it is s but odd.

OP I wonder how your parents would have reacted if it had been your brother who gave you the deposit rather than an uncle. Would they still have tried to balance it in their will?

OP I wonder how your parents would have reacted if it had been your brother who gave you the deposit rather than an uncle. Would they still have tried to balance it in their will

That's different as no one would have been left out as no other sibling.

The OP was happy to accept a large chunk of money knowing her sibling wasn't getting any so doesn't have the right to complain if he gets more elsewhere to even things up.

YANBU
Two children.
One supremely successful, and having married a successful, wealthy woman.

The other struggling to purchase her first home, with health issues and a child.

As a parent, I would be thrilled that my child who was struggling was being helped by family.
The idea that it would occur to me to penalize my struggling child, and in effect punish her for being helped is extraordinary.

I think you parents are being very unfair, sticking their nose into something that's none of their business.

I would definitely mention it to your aunt and uncle.

I think your parents are very wrong.

caring for elderly parents from what I have seen is for many a route to a complete breakdown in their own health and an early grave!
the best option may be to say 'no thanks' to the inheritance, skip off and leave someone else to look after the old sods

I think it’s odd that your parents are controlling your relationship with your aunt and uncle.

If you won £50,000 on a lottery ticket, would they reduce your inheritance by that much? Perhaps they’d just put that down to good luck.

What makes them feel responsible for your aunt and uncle’s relationships with their children?

A warm and loving relationship, perhaps. Personally, I wonder if this is at your expense. They will know your and your brother’s situations, and are going out of their way to reinforce the discrepancy. That’s odd for both of you. It’s kind of not about the money, really.

OP, in the minds of your parents it is right and proper that you are the poor one and your brother is the rich one, when something happens to change that situation they take measures to restore what they feel is the proper status quo

You chose to have a child knowing you couldn't work so knew the financial impact that would have on your child. It's not for someone else to provide your child with money just because your brothers children have what yours don't

Maybe your parents have adjusted accordingly out of embarassment. Embarassment that your Aunt and Uncle gave you the legs up and not them.

Prawn, never ever rely on promise from anyone to look after you in old age.

Never ever.

Op not read whole thread but wondering If this is more to do with their relationship with whoever gave the money. And thier view of the brothers

I think it was absolutely nothing to do with them and they've treated you very badly.

I agree. Some really horrible responses on here about "choosing to have a child knowing you couldn't work" I'd think Maggie Thatcher was posting here only she'd dead.

Dh inherited a bit more money from an aunt than his siblings did (she was his godmother so gave her godchildren a bit more). Should his parents now dock him in the will?

If this was my parents, I would say it to them. I'd just say "look it is your money and you can do as you wish and I only want to say this once and will then forget about it but telling me you are changing your will made me feel that you weren't happy for me to get that gift from my aunt and want to make sure I don't actually benefit from it. I love brother and am happy for him but we all know he has plenty and wouldn't resent me getting that gift from our aunt. I wonder why you do?"

Of course it’s their money but equally it’s really harsh. Maybe your DB could have a word and say he doesn’t need that? I would if I were him.

Then again I’m not the best judge as I’m in the same position as you. I have two siblings. One has 2 dc like me, while our younger brother has no dc and is absolutely loaded. We are all getting the same inheritance and same help, even though I’m the only one who has been through a separation and is far worse off financially as a result. I haven’t complained and won’t, but it stings a bit that I am struggling like mad to afford a property and sort my DCs in all respects, while they have vastly easier lives than me.

It’s swings and roundabouts. I have a brother who has nothing, struggles immensely with money. Lives abroad though so will have no caring duties for our parents.

I have no money worries dh and I are financially secure, and I will be caring for our parents. They are leaving equal shares to db and me. Because They have 2 children. End of.

The OP has stated she has a loving relationship with all her family. There is no reason to suspect the parents were acting in any way other than an attempt to be scrupulously fair, not because her DB is the golden child or her oarents think he is more important than her. It also sickens me how some people think care for elderly parents is only to be done if there is a financial reward. My parents have a house and not a lot else to split between my siblings and myself. However they know bloody well all of us and all their gc would do anything we can to help them because we all love them.