AIBU - parents changed their will

[Mereday]

I'll try to paint as clear a picture of as possible!

My DH and I are sometimes struggling financially because I have been unable to work due to illness for most of my adult life. We do OK mostly, but we are living off one (below national average) salary so we can't afford luxuries or holidays. Anyway, that's just how it is, and we are managing, so it's all right.

In contrast, my brother has done really well for himself! He's smart, driven and has a great mind for business, and he married a very wealthy lady who is equally smart and driven. We get along well - I think that's important to say - but their lives are very different from ours. They're constantly away on exotic holidays, they have a gardener, a nanny and a housekeeper, and they own multiple properties. In short, they are just extremely well off. They work hard, but they love it too.

My DH and I are close with my aunt and uncle, who have no children of their own. We had been on the lookout for a small flat, our first, and found one we loved, but we could not quite afford it. My aunt and uncle decided they wanted to help us out and paid for the deposit out of their savings - a very generous gift for which we were really grateful.

Anyway, my parents now heard about this gift, and while they are happy for us, they thought it unfair towards my brother. So they have decided to change their will: my brother will now get that same sum out of our joint inheritance and any remainder will be split between us. Of course I did not say anything - it's my parents' money and all - but I cannot help feeling a little hard done by. That money is absolutely nothing to my brother - he told me he did not care either way - and would be a windfall to DH, me and our DS.

I'm not sure why it bothers me. It is fair, but not equal? Equal, but not fair? Brother's family is set to inherit millions through his wife's parents as well, whereas DH has a working class background. As I said, I did not protest when my parents told us, but looking at my DS just now who will have so much less than his cousins already - sometimes that hurts and I just felt it all of a sudden. So, Mumsnet, are my feelings unreasonable?

RTFT icecream This has been explained. The DB is getting more from aunt and uncle via parents

I can understand why your parents did this. I think it’s easiest and most sensible to give equal amounts to your children unless there is a big reason, such as a significant disability, not to.
The fact your parents are your Aunt and Uncles beneficiaries makes a difference in this case. It’s not a random windfall as it’s money that could potentially have ended up being split between you and your brother.

I don’t think it’s relevant that your brother is well off and I think it’s even less relevant that his wife is well off.
YABU (although I do get where you are coming from...)

It is equal, but not fair. Your =gift from your aunt and uncle was nothing to do with your parents, and they shouldn't be "evening things out". Are they going to even things out to compensate for any cash your brother and his wife receive from her family?

I would be hurt.

How old are your parents ? It could be a long time before you inherit and they might change their minds again!

Op does your aunt and uncle know you're parents have done this with "their" money?

I can see where your parents are coming from. I think I would want to ensure all my DC were given the same amounts, the fact that your brother has done well for himself is irrelevant. I think deep down you are jealous of your brother having so much more than you, but there is nothing unfair about his DC having more than your DS, that it just how your lives have worked out and feeling resentment will just leave you bitter. Try to focus on getting your flat and your family and not what your brother has.

If your brother feels this is unfair and wants to help you, he can agree to a deed of variation of the will when your parents die so the money is divided differently to your parent's wishes and some or all of his share can go to you.

Do you think he will do that? You can hardly suggest it but if it came as a suggestion from him it could happen.

I don't know how I would feel if one of our children was given a large chunk of money by DH's sister and not the other two. Different if it was left by someone outside of the family.

End of the day no one knows what is around the corner, your parents inheritance may have to be used if they have ill health and have to go into nursing/residential care the family goes for your sister in-laws family.

It would appear an unkind thing for your patents to change the will, unfortunately as it is their money they can do as they please.

Your parents are behaving odd. Fairness is them splitting their money to you/your brother 50/50

Considering gifts from other relatives is unfair. I can see why you'd be hurt.

And, actually, I think they should consider gifts to your DB from his in-laws if they are truly being fair and want you on an equal footing when they die!

And my parents are my aunt and uncle's heirs. So if those savings had not been spent on our deposit, they might have eventually ended up 50/50 between my brother and myself

I think this is significant and goes to better explain the actions of your parents. They are trying to be fair between you and your brother. Most bequests when someone dies aren't means-tested. Your DB and his wife are doing well for themselves at present. That could change as no-one knows the future. Your parents may end up spending their money on care in later life and have nothing left to bequeath anyway. You have benefitted from financial help already.I would be grateful for that (which you seem to be) rather than grumbling that you'll get a smaller share of inheritance when your parents die. People always seem to be so entitled on MN. I really hope people aren't this bad in real life and it's just the keyboard warriors getting carried away.

I actually don't think any of it is strange. You spend your whole life as a parent pointing out that everyone in a family is equal, so they're just doing what they think is right. E.g. I have a son who spends money the second he gets it, and one who saves. If we're out should I only treat the one who has no money and penalize the one who kept his?

Also you dont know your brother didnt mention it to them, you think people will be on the same page and then in the background he may be feeling hard done by too. And for all the people saying the brother might redress the balance, if he doesn't, that's in his right too. He is lucky, but it doesn't mean he deserves less.

And as for the wife getting loads of money when her parents die, it's horrible any of you have talked about this. I don't know, I just hate all this kind of talk, I know you probably do too ... but just let your parents do with their money what they see fit

RTFT icecream This has been explained. The DB is getting more from aunt and uncle via parentS

I did. I was pointing out that the OP is complaining about getting less in a will but took the money from a relative knowing it would mean nothing for the brother in their will.

It's an odd thing for your parents to do and personally, I think it was the wrong thing to do. But I think it will play in your favour in the long run to let this go. It's all speculative at the moment anyway.

Currently, you are way better off with the deposit for your flat, even if it means your potential inheritance is now lower. When it finally becomes relevant then as people say your brother might well ignore that part of the will. At that point, if he seems oblivious, I don't think there is any harm in saying you were slightly hurt by this part in your parents will but obviously didn't want to say anything at the time. Accidentally appearing grabby now (even though I think you are right to be hurt) might just cause upset and bad feelings.

Surely as you are all close then your brother will do the decent thing and have a quiet word with them, explain that there is no need to 'even things out' and to please change the will back to an even split.

Didn't they discuss it with either of you before going ahead?

OP I understand your feelings but also understand your parents. Although your DB says he doesn’t mind, your parents may not want to risk any bad feeling or accusations of unfairness.

The best thing you have going is the good relations between your DB, you and your parents. Let this slide - be happy with the help for the deposit now. Hopefully your DB would help you out if you were in need.

And yet on another thread currently active the OP is being told that it's fine to give one grandchild several thousands of pounds that she won't be able to give to the other grandchildren because she's alive and so it's not unfair.

Here the OP is being told that it's fair to deduct this gift given while the aunt & uncle are alive from her inheritance on the death of her parents.

MN can be so contrary.

I think the aunt & uncle should amend their will to leave to the younger generation. I don't understand why they would leave money sideways anyway as this is isn't very economically efficient. I also think that what the aunt and uncle do with their money whilst alive has nothing to do with OP's parents. For all they know the aunt & uncle could be planning on a similar gift for their nephew.

I was pointing out that the OP is complaining about getting less in a will but took the money from a relative knowing it would mean nothing for the brother in their will

Where does it say it would mean nothing for the DB in the will?

From the OP.... "So they have decided to change their will: my brother will now get that same sum out of our joint inheritance and any remainder will be split between us"

That's not 'nothing'

Just to point out that the OP has said that her parents are the Uncle and Aunt's choice to inherit their estate so that mahoosive drip feed rather supports my theory that she's just getting hers early and the parents are balancing that in their will (assuming anyone leaves anything, which is by no means certain of course).

@Namestheyareachangin we can agree to disagree. As I see it, both the OP and her parents think their (own) sons are being treated unfairly so they both feel the same. The parents have a way of evening that up in their eyes which they intend to take. It may not pan out as they expect (or indeed anyone expects, given that all parties seem to be in good health and we are all speculating on something that will happen after four bereavements!)

I doubt the OP will see it differently anyway.

I think your parents are being very fair.

We treat all 3 of our children completely equally. I would have done the same.

You aren't entitled to more money because you can't work.

YABU

I actually feel it's quite unfair. Their will shouldn't have anything to do with money your aunt and uncle gave you. That was their choice. Your parents will should just be split equally without that money being taken in to consideration.

So, Mumsnet, are my feelings unreasonable?

Not at all.

Do your aunt and uncle know that their generous gift to you has caused your parents to disinherit you to the tune of their gift? I'd be bloody mad if my brother or sister did that because of something I'd done in order to help you out.

It's a shame you don't feel you can mention it to your brother, at least. I bet he'd tell them he didn't want that to happen.

YABU

Your brother has worked hard to get where he has so shouldn't then be penalised

You should take responsibility for your own life - why does your DH earn below national average? What he can be doing to increase this if you are unable to work? Re train / night classes / second job etc ?

You're not in a vulnerable position - you now have your own home thanks to your Aunt/Uncle and you have a partner so there is no reason for your parents to treat you any more favourably than your brother

You aren't entitled to more money because you can't work.

Whilst I am not sure 'entitled' is the word I would use, I completely disagree that children should be treated the same financially if one has a disability or illness that gives them a disadvantage in the world of work .

If I had two children and one was so ill/disabled they needed care then I would give practically all of my money to make sure this happened, regardless of if that left my other children practically penniless (assuming they were able to work and look after themselves). Whilst that is an extreme example, if one of my children had an illness, I would not begrudge them help given by other family members.

In any case of all the people spending money before it is theirs to spend, it is the parents who are distributing money that has not even been left to them in the will yet. The money belongs to the aunt and uncle and it is absolutely nothing to do with the parents how the aunt and uncle choose to spend their money.

The parents are choosing to 'redistribute' it before they even get it. The money is not theirs yet and they should not be acting as if it it is theirs to decide how to distribute it to their children.

If I were the aunt and uncle, I'd be annoyed not embarassed and might even consider changing my will to leave money directly to the op, bypassing the mum and dad entirely

When the time comes, you should contest it

Terrible advice. You can't contest a will in the UK just because you don't like it. The only common grounds for successfully contesting one are if you are dependent on the person who dies and get left nothing. OP will gain nothing from contesting this will, other than falling out with her brother and making her solicitor rich.