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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at card?

240 replies

justlonelystars · 29/05/2019 17:15

I recently got married and I have received a birthday card from a (well wishing I’m sure) elderly relative made out to Mrs John Smith rather than Mrs Jane Smith. AIBU to be annoyed at the old fashioned sexism here that makes me feel like I’m owned by my husband? I know there are bigger things to worry about but it’s irritated me somewhat

OP posts:
Hadalifeonce · 29/05/2019 17:20

It wouldn't bother me at all, but I know there are many people who would be very annoyed by it.

Lazypuppy · 29/05/2019 17:22

Its because its an elderly relative and that is how it is for their generation.

I don't think i'd have even noticed, is it really an issue?

Bibijayne · 29/05/2019 17:23

Is it though? I have plenty of elderly relatives, they'd never address a card to me as Mrs DH name.

Dollywilde · 29/05/2019 17:24

My mum used to address cards like this and she’s not elderly, she’s only 60!

She doesn’t any more because I’ve pointed out it may go down badly with some of the younger generation, but she’s always pointed out it was exciting for her to get post as Mrs DH Surname - she remembers being proud of it in the 80s when she got married. How times change!

dementedpixie · 29/05/2019 17:25

That would annoy me too as you may share a surname but doesn't mean you have taken their first name too. Or maybe she can't remember your first name

Dollywilde · 29/05/2019 17:25

She’s also quite hot on etiquette (old style) - she went to a bit of a hybrid finishing college slash secretarial college and I think that order of things was drummed into her!

Changedmynametoolikeyou · 29/05/2019 17:29

I think YABU. She has recognised you recently got married and is showing this. Maybe she thought you’d like the novelty of the new name. It’s not an insult unless you’ve made it clear you wish to be addressed in a particular fashion.

LauraAshleysKnickerDrawer · 29/05/2019 17:29

It wouldn't bother me in the slightest since it's from an elderly relative.

hammeringinmyhead · 29/05/2019 17:31

I was taught this is correct postal etiquette by my mum who is 63 so it's a hangover from years gone by. Don't take it personally.

UrsulaPandress · 29/05/2019 17:31

Send the card back to the bitch, torn into tiny pieces, and never speak to her again.

Oh, hang on...

anothernotherone · 29/05/2019 17:32

How elderly?

It's how it was for my grandmother's generation, but she'd be 110 if she were still alive.

My mother's in her seventies and she used to spit feathers if she received anything addressed to her using my father's first name. It stopped happening when the generation who'd now be over 100 died out!

Aimily · 29/05/2019 17:34

I think it's a generation/age thing, my dad's parents address cards Mr and Mrs John Smith (mid to late 80s). Where as my mums parents address them John and Jane Smith (late 60s early 70s).Personally it wouldn't bother me, but everyone is different.

hammeringinmyhead · 29/05/2019 17:35

I'm guessing my mum's mum taught her this who would be 90!

BertrandRussell · 29/05/2019 17:36

It would annoy me too. But I would let it go.
Incidentally, Mrs Jane Smith would mean you were widowed or divorced, so she’s not going to call you that!

Easy solution, of course- don’t change your name.

Vgbeat · 29/05/2019 17:37

It's just a generational thing. My Nan always sends me cards to Mrs and then my husband's name. I'm sure he means no disrespect

edwinbear · 29/05/2019 17:38

Are you generally professionally offended? It's an elderly relative, who has made a kind gesture. Maybe explain to that you are not in the slightest grateful and advise her not to waste her time/money/well wishes next year.

StealthPolarBear · 29/05/2019 17:41

It does perpetuate the women as possessions belief though.
Id not be impressed. But then there are women who are happy to give up their autonomy and personality on marriage.

BertrandRussell · 29/05/2019 17:41

Oh, bollocks to “professionally offended”!
It’s OK to not like things that are outdated and sexist.

StealthPolarBear · 29/05/2019 17:42

Completely agree.

nokidshere · 29/05/2019 17:44

Do you feel owned by your husband?

Hockneypool · 29/05/2019 17:45

My mother, married in the early 60’s, complained about being called Mrs John Smith - so good times have changed and the elderly generation are up to speed.

ComeAndDance · 29/05/2019 17:46

My mum would have and still does get VERY upset when things like this happen. (Or when they address a letter to her to say she can’t receive her pension but then send it to my dad’s name to tell her that actually yes she can indeed receive her pension Hmm).
She is 75yo.

I would be pissed off too.

HomeMadeMadness · 29/05/2019 17:46

I wouldn't like it if this was still the social convention but it wouldn't bother me from an elderly relation.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 29/05/2019 17:46

It is old fashioned and I personally wouldn't like it but I wouldn't say anything. I didn't have somebody walk me down the isle for this reason, I'm not a possession to be given away.

BertrandRussell · 29/05/2019 17:47

“Do you feel owned by your husband?”

Did you hear that whooshing noise? That was the point- flashing past your left ear........

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