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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be annoyed at card?

240 replies

justlonelystars · 29/05/2019 17:15

I recently got married and I have received a birthday card from a (well wishing I’m sure) elderly relative made out to Mrs John Smith rather than Mrs Jane Smith. AIBU to be annoyed at the old fashioned sexism here that makes me feel like I’m owned by my husband? I know there are bigger things to worry about but it’s irritated me somewhat

OP posts:
katseyes7 · 29/05/2019 18:21

l got married 30 years ago this July. l still get Christmas cards from elderly relatives addressed in my maiden name. lt really doesn't bother me.

Shushandpat · 29/05/2019 18:21

YANBU.

We get cards to Dr & Mrs Hisname from an elderly relative. Technically it's Dr & Dr - why am I downgraded?! Grin

starzig · 29/05/2019 18:21

You are being oversensitive. Old fashioned politeness nothing more.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 29/05/2019 18:22

I know this was taught as correct etiquette many years ago. Although my mum is mid-sixties and I can remember this annoying her back when I was a child in the eighties.

I’ve been married twice, but I’m not married anymore. I use Miss Second Husband’s Name, but wouldn’t be offended if someone got it wrong.

StealthPolarBear · 29/05/2019 18:24

Shushandpat because you're a woman (I assume)
You're not a real doctor, obviously. But they let you wear a stethoscope and take people's blood pressure.

drowningincustard · 29/05/2019 18:24

Yes its old fashioned and outdated and if it was someone who should know better or was wanting to annoy me then yes you are in your rights to be annoyed.
However the most likely reason is that your relative was following the social norms that she was taught when young and maybe didn't live an intellectual life where she has examined the issues around feminism and womens rights that relate to the traditional names of married women. Its up to you whether you decide you need to educate her - but surely the best thing is to acknowledge the nice act that she sent a card and move on and not let it take up any more headspace.

WatcherintheRye · 29/05/2019 18:24

It's very old fashioned, like putting commas at the end of every line of an address

Oh, is that not the done thing, now? Blush

I shall never know if people have been addressing my post in an antediluvian manner, as dh and I have the same initial!

StealthPolarBear · 29/05/2019 18:24

Or not if you're not a medical Dr!

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 29/05/2019 18:24

It has a function if you operate as a couple making it clear who is with whom - useful in certain circumstances just as at Primary School I was only ever "X's Mum" . My own surname - different from my kids' - was of no help in identifying me at all.

But you don't operate as a couple when it comes to your own birthday, unless you both share the same birthday and you like receiving joint cards and presents, maybe. it might be slightly more understandable in the context of a wedding card, especially if from somebody who knows your new husband but not really you.

In the context of the school, somebody referring to you as Katie Jones' Mum makes perfect sense; but it would be very weird if they insisted on calling you Katie Jones Sr, though, wouldn't it? There's nothing wrong with referring to you as Phil's wife, Janet's sister or Emma's husband if they only know of your existence in the context of Phil, Janet or Emma, whom they do know well.
e.g.:
"Oh, hi, you're Phil's wife, aren't you?"
"Yes, that's right - I'm Jill. Nice to meet you."
"Nice to meet you too, Phil's wife."
The first two lines of conversation are perfectly normal; the third is weird and rather rude, to say the least.

And then, if your dentist, say, happened to know your daughter's name, because she's also one of their patients, and then proceeded to send you appointments for your own check-ups addressed to Katie Jones Sr, even though they know that your own name is Caroline Peters. Wouldn't that at least irk you? That's pretty much the equivalent of this scenario.

BertrandRussell · 29/05/2019 18:24

“Old fashioned politeness”

Euphemism for sexist bollocks.

NameChange92 · 29/05/2019 18:25

Return it to the sender as unknown at the address.

StealthPolarBear · 29/05/2019 18:25

We had to send a wedding card to two doctors, about a decade ago now. Would people really address it to Dr and Dr? We went for Jill and Jack!

Fedoratheexploreer · 29/05/2019 18:25

It wouldn’t bother me, I know I’m not actually owned by DH and that the relative isn’t doing it to hurt me

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 29/05/2019 18:26

I got one first birthday after we got married, DH thought it was for him and someone had accidentally written Mrs instead of Mr. If it was from an elderly relative I wouldn't be offended, they think it's the correct form of address, if my employer started doing it.......

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 29/05/2019 18:27

You are being oversensitive. Old fashioned politeness nothing more.

Politeness? How?
Tradition, yes, but how on earth is it expressly showing politeness ?

KatherineJaneway · 29/05/2019 18:27

YABU. It was a standard thing to do in their time and no one has pointed out to them that it might not be appreciated anymore.

I remember my Mum sending cards to Master John Smith (my cousins).

1moremum · 29/05/2019 18:27

You have already spent to much time being annoyed at this. If it were a business, you could, and should, ask them to fix it on their records. but for elderly friends of your mom, let it go.

maddy68 · 29/05/2019 18:27

That's the 'correct' way to address a letter

BertrandRussell · 29/05/2019 18:29

Dr Jack and Dr Jill Smith.

In case anyone's interested. I know this stuff.

BertrandRussell · 29/05/2019 18:30

“That's the 'correct' way to address a letter”

OK. It’s also correct to use Esq. in certain circumstances. Do you insist on that too?

hammeringinmyhead · 29/05/2019 18:30

Oh, people, best not say correct or you will get told off.

Of course there is "correctness" in etiquette! It might be sexist bollocks but the whole point of etiquette is that it is a series of rules.

PBobs · 29/05/2019 18:32

It depends. I never took my DH's surname. It's not something we do in the country I'm from and it's not something I wanted to do anyway. I like my name. My MIL couldn't cope with it so she used to send me post addressed to Mrs DH's full name. That used to piss me off - so I guess she achieved her aim. If someone doesn't know how you feel though I don't feel so annoyed by it.

1moremum · 29/05/2019 18:32

I'm pretty sure Mrs comes from mistress and doesn't "literally mean wife of" at all

nope, it meant wife originally before the abbreviation Mrs. took on a life of it's own. at about that time, it changed to the meaning of bit on the side.

BertrandRussell · 29/05/2019 18:33

People only seem to insist on the “correct” bits of etiquette that are sexist. Interesting, that.

StealthPolarBear · 29/05/2019 18:33

Thanks Bertrand. I think it's too late to correct :)