Page 6 | To be annoyed at card?

Pindlesandneedles · 29/05/2019 19:11

OP YANBU this annoys me so much too. I’m a dr and yet my MiL insists on Mr and Mrs or if just to me Mrs his initial then surname. I think it’s odd that so many people think that sexist views such as this are ok and understandable- “it’s just because they’re old”. There are many views that were once widely held which are unacceptable today - I thought sexism was one of them!

Original poster

justlonelystars · 29/05/2019 19:13

Wow, wasn’t quite expecting all the responses! Thank you for all of the (at times quite amusing) replies.

To reiterate, I’m not foaming at the mouth incandescent with rage at this. I was mildly irritated when I received it and having previously always had my card addressed to Miss Jane Jones, I was surprised to suddenly be called John

Of course I’m grateful to my relative for sending me a card - I’ve opened it and she’s called me Jane inside so PP who said she’d forgotten my name, I’m afraid not!

OP posts:

Serin · 29/05/2019 19:14

Aww poor chap. He tried to do a nice thing............
I'm only 50s but I was taught at school to address correspondence in this way. I wouldn't now of course, times changed but someone obviously forgot to tell him.

NCforthis2019 · 29/05/2019 19:14

Oh Jesus Christ. Of all the things to get upset about! They’re from a different generation for gods sake - it’s just what they’re used to. The professionally offended 🤦🏻‍♀️

dannydyerismydad · 29/05/2019 19:18

I'm in my 40's. We were still being taught to write addresses like this when I was at Brownies.

HPLikecraft · 29/05/2019 19:20

That's the 'correct' way to address a letter

According to whom, maddy?

Didgets · 29/05/2019 19:22

I would find it a bit strange as my name is Jane not Jack.

Anything addressed to Jack I would give to my husband.

I didn't take Mrs (stuck to Ms) or his surname (we merged and created a new one) either, so if someone sent something to Mrs Jack Smith then that person would be unknown at this address.

anothernotherone · 29/05/2019 19:31

dannydyerismydad how old was your brown owl? I certainly wasn't taught that and am old enough to have been taught typing using carriage return and carbon paper...

WheresTheWineHey · 29/05/2019 19:35

I put commas at the ends of the lines (apart from at the end of the city line before the postcode, I was taught you didn't need to put one there?!), I include a full stop if the word is abbreviated, put Mr & Mrs J Smith (husband's initial) and write to Master Smith if he's younger...

I'm 35

fudgesmummy · 29/05/2019 20:06

I do this when sending cards to my grown up married children, the fact that it annoys the hell out of my DD is just a happy bonus! 😂

Didgets · 29/05/2019 20:15

@fudgesmummy

Annoy your DD, or you look an idiot? Iffy.

BertrandRussell · 29/05/2019 20:32

“I do this when sending cards to my grown up married children, the fact that it annoys the hell out of my DD is just a happy bonus”

Fuck me, you’re an unpleasant person.

HPLikecraft · 29/05/2019 20:51

At least no one has mentioned deBretts on this thread as the source of all correctness and politeness, like they used to on the “Mrs Husband’s name” threads.

There is no yardstick or absolute in terms of correctness here.
What is correct is how someone wishes to be addressed. However I find very few married women wish to be known as Mrs John Smith these days.
If someone referred to me as Mrs Wilbur (rather than Hortense) Likecraft, I’d likely be less than polite in my response.

SuziQ10 · 29/05/2019 20:55

You find it absurd but it’s the same in my circle of friends although we are mainly in our fifties now. The exception is one couple who are Mr David and Doctor Jenny Shaw because Mr and Dr David Shaw would not work. The invitations to our wedding were worded “Mr & Mrs Duncan Goode request the pleasure of your company at the wedding of their daughter Carol to etc. etc.” We sent one to our widowed friend Mrs Thomas Skinner and when her daughter married the invitation was from Mrs Thomas Skinner too. She likes having her husband remembered. I’ve been married getting on for thirty years but still love getting an envelope addressed to Mrs His Initial Shared Surname. My daughter sends me cards addressed that way as she knows I like it.*

Zzz. Good grief. Surely it's time to modernise your approach. Women are not the property of their husbands and should not be addressed as such. It's outdated and it's well past it's best. Calling your friends by their given names (and surname, if necessary) is surely quite sufficient! 50s going on 90s IMO.

BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou · 29/05/2019 21:17

Zzz. Good grief. Surely it's time to modernise your approach. Women are not the property of their husbands and should not be addressed as such. It's outdated and it's well past it's best. Calling your friends by their given names (and surname, if necessary) is surely quite sufficient! 50s going on 90s IMO.

I know I’m not his property but I am his wife and he is my husband. Obviously I call my friends by their given names (all female married friends have taken their husbands names) but envelopes are addressed the traditional way and .... here’s the important bit... we LIKE it! My brother is getting married soon and I’ve a feeling that my lovely SIL to be may be keeping her name. I will be checking with her and, naturally, will use the form of address she would prefer. Because I DO NOT judge others by how they choose to be addressed but respect their choices.

Leleophants · 29/05/2019 21:19

This has always frustrated me to the end of the earth. Why has your name disappeared? Maybe mention it lightly

Cantyoubeoriginal · 29/05/2019 21:24

Get over yourself.

MilkLady02 · 29/05/2019 21:27

The question is, when you return the gesture by sending the relative a birthday card, will you address her the way you prefer, or the way she prefers?

JuneFromBethesda · 29/05/2019 21:29

Get over yourself

Gosh, aren’t you a charmer.

YANBU OP. It drives me to distraction too. It’s so ridiculously outdated. I hate having my name obliterated.

AllAboutMeAlways · 29/05/2019 21:46

What exactly is the point of getting annoyed at a well-meaning relative who is simply doing what they’ve done their whole lives? For them, that form of address is good manners.

Old habits die hard for everyone. The issue should not be forcing the older generations into doing things differently...they will if they want to.

The issue is making sure that forms of address that are outdated and inappropriate to use today have died out in the younger generations. That’s how change happens, not by picking on people individually.

This black and white thinking without the benefit of context that’s so prevalent on this site is ignorant & tedious.

JuneFromBethesda · 29/05/2019 21:52

This black and white thinking without the benefit of context that’s so prevalent on this site is ignorant & tedious.

Come on now AllAboutMeAlways I'm sure if you try a bit harder you could manage to be more condescending than that

What exactly is the point of getting annoyed at a well-meaning relative who is simply doing what they’ve done their whole lives?

The OP wasn't getting annoyed at her relative. Read the OP:

AIBU to be annoyed at the old fashioned sexism here that makes me feel like I’m owned by my husband?

Outdated and inappropriate, as you said. So you agree with her.

PBobs · 29/05/2019 21:53

@fudgesmummy hilarious. My MIL doing this repeatedly was one of the (admittedly many) reasons I am now NC with her.

BasiliskStare · 29/05/2019 22:58

I have not changed my name after marriage. If I get a card with Dh's last name it doesn't bother me - although Mrs DH Name Basilisk DH last name does slightly grate. & I know the Debretts stuff. The irritating thing is if someone sends me a cheque and all my bank stuff is in my Basilisk ( last) name so I can't cash them anywhere so either have to phone and ask them to write it out again or let it go. So everything administrative or financial is still in my last name. If someone refers to me by DH's name I can't be bothered to be worried about that. But then DH has also had cards sent to him with my last name as they assumed as my DH that was his name.

TheFreaksShallInheritTheEarth · 29/05/2019 22:59

Ah, that is annoying. Hopefully such an outmoded form of address is gradually dying out. I’m late 40s, and don’t think I’ve ever been referred to as Mrs John Smith.
It’s slightly sad that there are women on this thread that defend such anachronisms, or worse, use them themselves.

BasiliskStare · 29/05/2019 23:19

@TheFreaksShallIinheritTheEarth

I am older than you and mostly have been called by my name ( because I have never changed it) Very rarely by Mrs John Smith & I do not encourage it. My father is a stickler for detail ( or outmoded sexist as you will ) and has sent things to me as Mrs John Smith equivalent. Which I can live with except when cheques - because I can't cash them Luckily I am able to phone him and tell him to rewrite.

So not sure if I am an anachronism defender but in certain circumstances it is easier to go with DH's last name. In important circumstances I do not.

My brother recently got married and his wife loved having his name - her choice. My son knows that Mum has a different name ( which will tell you he has DH's last name - but also mine - not hyphenated but he has both - as he is dyslexic I am happy for him to use the shorter one )