To be annoyed at card?

[justlonelystars]

I recently got married and I have received a birthday card from a (well wishing I’m sure) elderly relative made out to Mrs John Smith rather than Mrs Jane Smith. AIBU to be annoyed at the old fashioned sexism here that makes me feel like I’m owned by my husband? I know there are bigger things to worry about but it’s irritated me somewhat

From an older person not surprising.

My Mum is in her 70s and she would be mrs ''her own name'' Last name. But, the etiquette for wedding invitations and so on, she probably would expect it to be the traditional formal way still and yes, mrs Hannah smith on a wedding invitation for example might have meant widow or divorcee (or both?) once upon a time. Now it just means hannah smith.

Are you generally professionally offended? It's an elderly relative, who has made a kind gesture. Maybe explain to that you are not in the slightest grateful and advise her not to waste her time/money/well wishes next year.

Did you read the part where the OP said "Is this woman being an evil cow and should I hunt her sorry butt down and give her a sharp piece of my mind?" No, neither did I.

It's kind of gaslighting to assure people that they aren't allowed to feel annoyed about their preference for something that specifically affects them.

I really quite like it when I’m addressed as Mrs Mark Jones, I usually get Mrs Carol Jones but I HATE Ms Jones.

I accept “Miss” from the children at school (they are only little and female staff are Miss and male staff are Sir) but would not like being called Miss by anyone who knows I am married.

This subject rears it’s head on MN regularly but I do find myself in the minority in liking “old fashioned” things like this.

I'm 40. As a teenager I had an admin job in a dentists and I had to address all the envelopes for reminder letters. People were recorded without titles but they wanted titles on the envelopes. So if I saw hannah Smith I addressed it to Ms Smith. I was made to redo them all, because the recipients would be insulted. Apparently the rule was if they had children, address them as Mrs.

@SpiderPlant38 I was assuming in the hypothetical situation that I knew the preferred title of the person I was writing to.

I would be really annoyed if I was addressed as Mrs because that's not a title I choose to use.

I did get annoyed about receiving a "congratulations on your new baby" card addressed to Mrs John Smith as the sender managed to get my 2 week old babies name right but didn't remember that my name is Ms Sarah Jones And always has been.

It has a function if you operate as a couple making it clear who is with whom - useful in certain circumstances just as at Primary School I was only ever "X's Mum" . My own surname - different from my kids' - was of no help in identifying me at all.

Anyway - drudge that I am - I must go back to to the kitchen where I belong and get the tea on the table!

there are women who are happy to give up their autonomy and personality on marriage.

I've never met anyone who has given up either. What a strange idea. How does one give up one's personality? Is it removed somehow?

It's like in friends where she wants to be Mrs Dr Barry whatever.
Have an identity of your own jen :o

Yes @onthetrain75 that is quite wilfully anti-feminist to be honest.

Which I see a demoralising amount of the time from women in my circle too when they are well protected from any form of disadvantage by means of their family background and the connections and confidence it gave them, their qualifications, the status their marriage gives them , their husband's income, the inheritances in their future

I absolutely love getting post addressed like that! Being 'Mrs Husband Kindness' is still so brilliant and awesome to me. Everyone is different. 🤷‍♀️

Seriously though, is it literal violence?

It's very old fashioned, like putting commas at the end of every line of an address.

Op. Sometimes you need to look at intent. This is one of those cases.

Take a deep breath, go do something interesting. Don't get wound up about small inconsequential shite when someone is trying to be nice to you.

Yes, I am an oldie, and this was how some oldies did addresses years ago. Some oldies never get up to date with modern ideas. Don't pour scorn on people from a different era.

Naked - exactly - that is the point. In social situations unless we know what is required we are likely to get it wrong. Once we know we can get it right and address the person as they prefer. In this case the OP did not make her chsoen form of address known to the poor elderly aunt so cannot complain if said aunt can't mind read.

Me, I prefer Jane Smith or Ms J Smith - but if people don't know that and they guess wrong I'm not bothered.

I’m in my 40’s. It’s a regular thing in my social circle....is that bad?!! All the women I know are well educated, with decent jobs..

...eye roll...
Seriously?!

Honestly in 2019 this is absolute absurd.
😂

Definitely yabu

Lovely elderly relative goes to the trouble of sending you a card to wish you well on your birthday using the title she would have used since as she was educated as a child for a newly married person.

You feel owned by your husband.

Odd.

I was taught this at school and I'm only 63. Catholic Convent - so very old fashioned. Wouldn't offend me in fact I think my DM still does this.

Off topic, but I didn’t know that Mrs Jane Smith is used for Widows. Trust me to find out, now it’s no longer really relevant

Of interest, what is the old fashioned etiquette for divorced women? In practice i’d always ask the individual which they’d prefer, I just wondered what was correct. I know a few divorced women who continue to keep Mrs Married name as they don’t want to revert to miss, and if a long marriage, haven’t wanted to return to their maiden name either.

@soupdragon,

Of course a married woman's personality isn't removed if she becomes Mrs John Barry but a lot of married women deny the social capital that comes from being one half of a couple. Of course that social capital is the same really whether you're mrs Jen Barry or Mrs John Barry.

I made this point a while ago and the women who LIKED being Mrs rather than Ms still denied that they were taking some of their sense of self from being one half of a couple rather than taking an identity and taking their value and their esteem from their sole SELF.

Of interest, what is the old fashioned etiquette for divorced women
To not to. One should honour one's marriage vows and remember how lucky one is to have snagged a man. Valium helps with the daily misery.

Alice I'd say Ms Smith
The widow would have been Mrs Hannah Smith
not sure though.

?

I have 100 quid here in used tenners for anyone prepared to address the 80 year old Germaine Greer as Mrs Paul de Feu.
Actually- Mrs Germaine de Feu as she’s divorced. As an elderly person that must be the form she prefers.

If you take your husbands surname and use Mrs or were given away then you are conforming to old subservient ways.

I'm not against it it's up to the individual.

However you're getting wound up about one small part.

I thought it was Mrs Jane Smith for a divorced woman and Mrs John Smith for a married or widowed woman. I could be wrong, though, as I never learned this stuff and have been expressing my annoyance at it from my mother (born in the early 30s) ever since I got married myself! Every card she sends me is to Mrs [Husband's Initials] Surname. I don't waste my time talking to her about it now, but I always notice and find myself rolling my eyes.