To be annoyed at card?

[justlonelystars]

I recently got married and I have received a birthday card from a (well wishing I’m sure) elderly relative made out to Mrs John Smith rather than Mrs Jane Smith. AIBU to be annoyed at the old fashioned sexism here that makes me feel like I’m owned by my husband? I know there are bigger things to worry about but it’s irritated me somewhat

edwinbear shall say that to my own mother, who is in her 70s and find it equally irritating??
Or is that sort if comment reserved to the ‘younger generation’?

As the title Mrs literally means "wife of" and was traditionally used to show ownership of the woman had passed from her father to her husband, I suppose your relative is technically correct.

However, I personally hate it and would never use that form of address. I would recommend thanking the relative for the card but mentioning that form of address caused some confusion, I have found that a lot of people are very weird about how they address things. I have had to correct countless people on my name (which I did not change upon marriage) but so few people seem to actually pay attention and think I'm over reacting by asking people who have known me for 20 odd years to remember my bloody name.

Did you change your name?
Did you inform all and sundry that cards should only be addressed to Jane Jones/ Ms Jane Jones/ Mrs Jane Jones/ Mrs Smith/ Mrs Jane Smith/ but not on any account to Mrs John Smith?

It was a form of address - that's all. If you don't like it don't use it and don't use it for others.

As a matter of interest how would you address a newly married woman?

The world changes and that is how it should be. Your own ways will be dated and possibly offensive to a younger generation in about forty years time - maybe sooner.

It’s OK to not like things that are outdated and sexist.

You mean like changing your surname to your husband's and using Mrs when you get married?

I'm pretty sure Mrs comes from mistress and doesn't "literally mean wife of" at all

As a matter of interest how would you address a newly married woman?

By their name, so I'd probably use "Hannah Smith/ H. Smith/ Mrs Smith"

This is why I always check if people are changing their name upon marriage so that their wedding card is addressed correctly. If I don't know I just address it to "Hannah and Ben" (if I'm invited to their wedding I assume I'm on a first name basis with them)

Yes, it's annoying but in the end it's a "so what?". In your place I would just put up with it.

Can you change your view to one of "oh, how quaint"?

When I got married my MIL made me send out invites like this. Made my skin crawl

I'm old.

I resisted getting married for a long time, but to the eternal shame of my feminist principles I did take my husband's lovely, common and easily spelled surname and shook off my slightly odd and much-remarked upon maiden name.

A very elderly and formally old-school person will have been taught that 'Mrs Jane Smith' is Mr John Smith's widow.

Formally, Mrs Jane Smith is a widow.

If you've kept your maiden name, or always use Dr or Ms and that's been ignored, then you could correct the aunt gently, if you feel it's worthwhile.

If you've taken your husband's surname and chosen the title Mrs, then, she's right. She's implying your husband is alive, not dead, which seems quite cheerful really.

I am so happy OP that you have nothing worse than this to worry about.
I am sure it wasn't deliberate, why make a big issue about it?

Oh and actually "elderly relative" said in that slightly patronising pitying way is ageist.

Women who trailblazed, who put up with stuff you could never imagine, who were brave, strong, clever, creative and interesting are now demeaned as "little well-meaning old ladies" all soft in the head and not quite getting it just because they have lived for longer than you have.

Social convention - that's all. My own DD and many of her generation cannot begin to understand why a woman would marry in the first place - so your brand of "feminism" is already out of date.

Yet another thread that illustrates well the difference between giving offence and choosing to take it.

I was taught this is correct postal etiquette by my mum who is 63 so it's a hangover from years gone by. Don't take it personally.

'Traditional', I understand, but 'correct' is rather presumptuous. You're being told that you aren't allowed to choose how you prefer to be addressed because 'your preference for yourself is not actually correct'?

Obviously, she's probably just doing it that way because that's how she's always known, but I would hope that anybody subsequently raising it with somebody who does this and stating their alternative preference wouldn't be slapped down and told that they're 'wrong'.

Once people have been informed that it's the 21st century what your preference is, to ignore you deliberately is the height of arrogance. It's like when you meet people who pronounce their names differently from who you'd expect - even if you know 50 people called Tracy who pronounce it TRAY-cee, if one person tells you she pronounces her name tray-CEE, then that's what you automatically go with, without further question.

It is derived from Mistress as is Miss. Mrs denotes that they are married, Miss means unmarried, Ms can mean either

I received a card today which addressed me as Mrs John Smith. It was from a very lovely lady in her seventies congratulating me on my new baby. I was more surprised than anything

"NakedBrainStrollingInManhatten

As the title Mrs literally means "wife of" and was traditionally used to show ownership of the woman had passed from her father to her husband, "
I had no idea!

@anothernotherone you know what, you are correct. I had read an article which stated "Mrs means wife of" (in different wording) many years ago and just accepted it.

Off to do further reading.

As some people with penises get very irate if they're not called various random pronouns, I think women should have the right to get a bit peeved at this sort of thing. Not murderous. Just eye rolly

I have never heard that using Mrs with the wife's name means she is a widow.

As a matter of interest how would you address a newly married woman?

By their name, so I'd probably use "Hannah Smith/ H. Smith/ Mrs Smith" - and if you addressed many women as Mrs they might not like it at all. That is the problem. Not worth getting in a twist about.

I wonder if it would be classed as literal violence

I’m in my 40’s. It’s a regular thing in my social circle....is that bad?!! All the women I know are well educated, with decent jobs...it’s a tradition on our stationery. I also have cards with my own name on though. Never bothered me. I must be very out of touch

I think the important thing here is that she has sent you a birthday card, not what she wrote on the envelope. Maybe try to focus on that.

I think you are, on the train