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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at card?

240 replies

justlonelystars · 29/05/2019 17:15

I recently got married and I have received a birthday card from a (well wishing I’m sure) elderly relative made out to Mrs John Smith rather than Mrs Jane Smith. AIBU to be annoyed at the old fashioned sexism here that makes me feel like I’m owned by my husband? I know there are bigger things to worry about but it’s irritated me somewhat

OP posts:
moofolk · 29/05/2019 18:33

I think this is what happens when you get married. You are now Mrs John Smith. Surely your relative has addressed it like this precisely because it's a wedding card?!

You are now your husband's property and responsibility, no longer your father's. Congratulations!

smallereveryday · 29/05/2019 18:35

No wouldn't worry me. Just an elder lady addressing you in an old fashioned way that she considers polite.

Had you sent out an all points bulletin of being professionally insulted. Does she know your feelings on the matter ? Crucially was there ANY intent to offend. ?

If not, get over yourself .

dementedpixie · 29/05/2019 18:35

It's not a wedding card, it's a birthday card

NeverSayFreelance · 29/05/2019 18:35

My parents have been divorced for 10 years and my mum still gets Christmas cards from her elderly aunt addressed to Mr and Mrs Dad's Name - only with the Mr scored out 😂😂

YANBU to be annoyed, it's so antiquated - but people of a certain age are accustomed to this and don't think anything of it.

Anon246810 · 29/05/2019 18:35

I think it's quite nice to be honest

Ali1cedowntherabbithole · 29/05/2019 18:36

Stealth Grin

Poppyinafieldofdreams · 29/05/2019 18:36

Old people can be so annoying. Rampant sexism. Haven’t they learnt anything. Thoughtless and selfish sending out these cards. Send it back with a note and no stamp.

dementedpixie · 29/05/2019 18:37

And her name isn't John its Jane

Lolo79 · 29/05/2019 18:38

Totally unreasonable. That’s how she was brought up. Respect it.

Ated · 29/05/2019 18:39

Get over it. There is too much of this 'i'm offended' crap going on. Who cares, it isn't important. If I got a complaint about something as silly as that I wouldn't send then anything from then on.

BertrandRussell · 29/05/2019 18:40

“Totally unreasonable. That’s how she was brought up. Respect it.“

So whatever an older person was brought up to say is still OK for
them to use?

redspider1 · 29/05/2019 18:45

That was etiquette back in the day. I'm sure no offence was meant.

grupple · 29/05/2019 18:46

I can't get my head around Princess Michael of Kent.

JAPAB · 29/05/2019 18:47

Understandable to resent this. What to do about it is another matter. Polite request to use your name, perhaps?

redspider1 · 29/05/2019 18:47

I would have had a laugh about it and moved on.

lazyarse123 · 29/05/2019 18:51

Can't you just be grateful that she was kind enough to bother sending you a card? I am 61 and it's how I was taught to address a letter to a married woman. I am so over the professionally offended and sexist bollocks that's prevalent at the moment. Just accept the card in the spirit it was sent and please don't complain about the way it's addressed.

DefinatelyAWeeGobshite · 29/05/2019 18:52

This happened at our wedding, we had a cheque address to Mr and Mrs Husbands Full Name, we couldn’t cash it into my husbands account because it had Mrs on it, couldn’t cash it to mine because I was my own name and couldn’t cash it into the joint bill account because it wasn’t my surname. Was a right pain!!!

DefinatelyAWeeGobshite · 29/05/2019 18:52

Once I changed my surname over we were able to cash it no problem.

BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou · 29/05/2019 18:57

*I’m in my 40’s. It’s a regular thing in my social circle....is that bad?!! All the women I know are well educated, with decent jobs..

...eye roll...
Seriously?!

Honestly in 2019 this is absolute absurd*

You find it absurd but it’s the same in my circle of friends although we are mainly in our fifties now. The exception is one couple who are Mr David and Doctor Jenny Shaw because Mr and Dr David Shaw would not work. The invitations to our wedding were worded “Mr & Mrs Duncan Goode request the pleasure of your company at the wedding of their daughter Carol to etc. etc.” We sent one to our widowed friend Mrs Thomas Skinner and when her daughter married the invitation was from Mrs Thomas Skinner too. She likes having her husband remembered. I’ve been married getting on for thirty years but still love getting an envelope addressed to Mrs His Initial Shared Surname. My daughter sends me cards addressed that way as she knows I like it.

grupple · 29/05/2019 18:57

I'm old, I was taught to put a comma at the end of each line in an address. As well as the comma you had to put a full stop after Rd., Ave., and Cres., etc. At least it's not sexist I suppose, but I shall now stop.

I never know how to address envelopes to unmarried couples, it wasn't taught when I was in school, unmarried couples hadn't been invented.

DoAllMeerkatsComeFromRussia · 29/05/2019 18:59

I would think the person in question did so as a compliment- in a welcome to the family sort of way. They probably see it as old fashioned formality and haven't thought of it as you losing your identity or belonging to your husband etc. I'd smile at it, personally, then forget it. As long as you have no reason to suspect that DH's relatives actually think in this way, then there's nothing more to it than an old person using old fashioned convention.

WMPAGL · 29/05/2019 19:04

Technically it is stylistically correct so I'm sure the relative meant no offence.

But then, being an awkward bugger, I didn't change my name at all so it's difficult to even know whether it's correct to address me as 'Mrs'! Grin

I still get plenty of cards addressed to me with my husband's surname one way or another, though, and it really doesn't bother me at all. As far as I know, noone is being deliberately provocative (if they are, they'll be sadder to know it's entirely passed me by!)

happymummy12345 · 29/05/2019 19:04

If it was a card for both of us then I would prefer it to be addressed mr and Mrs husbands initial our surname, traditional and know that's how married couples are traditionally addressed.
But if it was just for me then I'd expect my initial and surname.

PeachesAndMayo · 29/05/2019 19:09

I bet she was excited at being able to write your married name. It is the correct way technically but as it's your mum, just tell her to address any of your mail using your name in future.

PeachesAndMayo · 29/05/2019 19:10

Sorry - not your mum. Just an old fashioned (I'll bet woman) friend.