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Original poster

If your husband had a month long affair with colleague, would you want to know?

397 replies

onceacheat · 29/05/2019 08:12

If your husband of just 3 years had an affair with a colleague for a month, which he initiated would you want to know if that affair had now ended?

It should be noted that the couple in question also have a 7 month old baby.

The affair involved lots of daily messaging, sexting and pictures, meeting a few times for kissing and touching and two times for sex.

The affair ended when the other woman stopped it because she had feelings for the husband but some more sexting happened after this, initiated by her. The husband then had an accident and was off work for a few weeks and decided himself that the affair should end.

If you were the wife would you want to know?

OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 29/05/2019 09:03

Good gried Dateluv that's a truly low opinion you have of men. Such a sweeping statement and such nice terminology abut women - tap that new arse... loose women ?? blech!

FiveShelties · 29/05/2019 09:03

You seem to know an awful lot about this OP - hope this thread is not you seeking approval for being spiteful.

Although I would like to know, I could never tell someone in this situation with such a young baby.

PurpleFlower1983 · 29/05/2019 09:06

I would want to know but I would make sure they both suffered, starting by making sure everyone at their work knew what a pair of shits they were.

NameChangeNugget · 29/05/2019 09:07

I of course would want to know. DH would be out on his ear.

I would think the OW was scum but, DH is the one who committed to me not her

UpsydaisyandIgglePiggleareatit · 29/05/2019 09:08

I have a feeling that the OP probably isn’t going to come back... could be wrong... but I think if they don’t... it’s likely they are in fact the OW....

deydododatdodontdeydo · 29/05/2019 09:12

The truth of the matter is men are naturally cheats. Yes, it's nothing to do with what you've or haven't done in your relationship. Men would always want to tap that new arse.

Actual LOL.
Not to defend men, especially those who cheat, but that's just nonsense.
In fact it's exonerating men who cheat. Poor things can't help it, it's in their DNA Hmm

Skittlesss · 29/05/2019 09:12

It depends on a lot of factors.

Is the H known for being a cheater?

My colleagues ex-H was a serial cheat. We all worked at the same place but different departments, so all knew each other. We (me and other colleagues on a night out) saw him with another woman and told her, but she “shot the messengers”. We cared about her, we were friends and didn’t think she deserved to be with such a tosser. She’d even caught him in the act at times, but stayed with him.
Friendships drifted and she got a promotion and changed departments. They had a few kids but have now spilt. I think she had to come to terms with it all on her own.

In situations like that if I could go back in time I would not tell her. She already knew “stuff” and chose to be with him, and telling her impacted on our friendships meaning she didn’t turn to us for support after we told her. I think had we not then maybe things would have been easier for her?

Walkaround · 29/05/2019 09:14

onceacheat - the dh did not eventually do the right thing, though, did he? He stopped doing the wrong thing, which is entirely different. He will no doubt do the wrong thing again and again and again, justifying to himself it doesn't mean anything because he always does the "right thing" in the end. Little gaps in between do not make his behaviour the right thing. There is no doubt whatsoever he will behave like this again in the future.

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 29/05/2019 09:14

I can honestly say I don’t know. Really - I’m on the fence so much about this as a part of me would be happy to continue the status quo if that were how things are now - loving, considerate, even handed and respectful. Finding out forces you to “deal with it”, and for some the decision making process as a result of a known betrayal is the hardest thing they’ve ever dealt with in their life, requiring lots of support and mental headspace - not easy with a young baby.

In short, if you are the OW @onceacheat don’t tell his DW. Heaven knows she may be absolutely unaware and living in ignorant bliss, or alternatively she’s rumbled you two a long time ago and is taking next steps at her own pace.

I also firmly believe that in 99% of the times the OW spills to the wife it’s an act of vindictiveness disguised as “sisterly concern”.

Passtherioja · 29/05/2019 09:14

@onceacheat -if you are the OW you have no right to tell her regardless of asking if women would like to know.

The people who have said they would want to know have answered on their behalf-not on behalf of the WIFE involved.

If it's finished, it's finished....not your place to say anything. IF you are the OW you have caused enough damage-don't be vengeful just because it's over.

HennyPennyHorror · 29/05/2019 09:16

Now OP's going to tell the poor wife. :(

Gruzinkerbell1 · 29/05/2019 09:19

Leave them alone, OP.

Zenithbear · 29/05/2019 09:20

Hell yes.
My marriage was over when I found out that my h was cheating and booted him out. Cheats never change ime.

Didntwanttochangemyname · 29/05/2019 09:20

I would want to know, even given the difficult circumstances.

HappydaysArehere · 29/05/2019 09:21

This sounds as if someone is trying to cause hurt and for what reason I ask? How do you know all the details?

lololove · 29/05/2019 09:21

Given the details and the exact figures you must be the other woman. I doubt the husband would be here asking if he should blown his marriage apart and devistate his wife and child.

The wife does deserve to know, but not from the spite of the other woman. You telling her would make it harder for her to handle, especially as you'd either enjoy it because of the feelings (even if you didn't ad it it to even yourself) or you'd be doing it on the off chance that he would go to you if you have feelings for him.

Yes, the wife needs to know what a scummy pathetic man she's married to.... But I'm sure there's a better way than the bitter rambling of a scorned woman.

goose1964 · 29/05/2019 09:22

Yes and he'd be out on his arse

WeirdAndPissedOff · 29/05/2019 09:22

If it were possible to guarantee that the DH would 100% not do it again (not even EA or sexting), and the wife does not already suspect, and they are both genuinely happy. In those circumstances only I would rather not know, and continue living in blissful ignorance.
However, that's not the case most of the time, and there's no way to be sure, so usually I would want to know.

Though I also believe you are the OW, that you're almost as responsible as the DH for the incoming devastation and fallout for your own selfish desires, and that you aren't planning to tell the DW for good reasons. However, she still had the right to be able to make an informed decision about her future, even if she is told out of spite. Better than finding out years down the line when he has cheated with other women, or gaslight DW, or shown his lack if respect for her in other ways.

Dateluv · 29/05/2019 09:24

I am a man and we discuss these things!!!

Losingthechubrub · 29/05/2019 09:25

I wouldn't want to know

PurpleFlower1983 · 29/05/2019 09:26

His wife deserves to know so she can make her own informed judgement and hopefully not waste anymore time on this shit.

He will likely hate the OW for ‘ruining his life’ as well.

DoctorDread · 29/05/2019 09:27

Don't the the OP is going to come back somehow. Looks like she's received validation for her decision and will plough ahead regardless

PeoniesarePink · 29/05/2019 09:27

Yes I'd want to know.

Because the reality is that he will do it again.

Especially if he feels he has got away with it.

Knowledge is power.

contrary13 · 29/05/2019 09:31

If I were the partner of someone who had cheated on me, then yes; I'd want to know - so that I could leave them. I think as long as the wife understands that, even though her child is so young, she doesn't have to stay in a marriage based on lies and disrespect... she has a right to know.

If only so that she can (a) make an informed choice about her marriage to a "man" who thinks it's acceptable behaviour to cheat on her, and (b) get an STI check up done to make sure that her health hasn't been compromised in any way.

OP, like so many others, I believe you're the OW. If that's the case, then I don't understand how you can be so blasé about the situation. If you want to allow the wife to make an informed choice about her/her child's future happiness, by all means tell her - but don't do it in person. Write an anonymous letter, if you must. Blow her world apart by all means (because if her husband's cheated with you... chances are you're not the first and won't be the last!), but think of a semi-decent (?kind, ?compassionate) way to do it so that she doesn't have to look at you as you tell her.

amysaurus87 · 29/05/2019 09:32

It depends who you are. Random person in the know then yes I'd want to know.

If you are the OW (which I suspect you are) then I can't think of anything worse than you telling me you've been sleeping with my husband.

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