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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

If your husband had a month long affair with colleague, would you want to know?

397 replies

onceacheat · 29/05/2019 08:12

If your husband of just 3 years had an affair with a colleague for a month, which he initiated would you want to know if that affair had now ended?

It should be noted that the couple in question also have a 7 month old baby.

The affair involved lots of daily messaging, sexting and pictures, meeting a few times for kissing and touching and two times for sex.

The affair ended when the other woman stopped it because she had feelings for the husband but some more sexting happened after this, initiated by her. The husband then had an accident and was off work for a few weeks and decided himself that the affair should end.

If you were the wife would you want to know?

OP posts:

glasshalf · 29/05/2019 08:26

@onceacheat yes it does matter who you are because whilst everyone says they would want to know I'm pretty sure they would want to know from a reliable source who isn't doing it out of spite and jealousy.

Kko1986 · 29/05/2019 08:27

As hard as it would be to hear yes I would want to know

Newtothis2017 · 29/05/2019 08:28

No. If she has a baby and it is over you would only be doing it out of spite if you are the ow!! If you are the ow then his wife wasn't important enough to stop you having the affair with him, so you cant say now she deserves to know. If you aren't the ow than I would say leave her alone. She had a baby. But that is just my opinion.

UpsydaisyandIgglePiggleareatit · 29/05/2019 08:28

Exactly what @Whatshername7 said...

If you are the OW it could be seen as some sort of revenge thing for him ending it. Or easing your own guilt. I’ve seen cases where the OW didn’t know the man was married and then told the wife and in my view in that case both women have been betrayed and lied to. But if they knew and only want to tell after the affair had ended... seems kind of callous.
It does matter who the source of the info is as well.

dayswithaY · 29/05/2019 08:28

If you are the OW don't even think of hurting this woman any more than you already have. This is for him and his conscience - leave them both alone. Instead of plotting how to get your petty revenge why don't you do some work on yourself to change your vile behaviour. Hope karma bites you where it hurts.

RedPink · 29/05/2019 08:29

I'd definitely want to know. Surely most people would 🤷🏻‍♀️

Siameasy · 29/05/2019 08:30

No I wouldn’t want to know.

Whatsername7 · 29/05/2019 08:30

It really does matter. If you are the OW, your motivations for telling the wife are selfish and most definitely not about her feelings. Likely, you think it might end the marriage leaving you free to pursue your feelings. If you are the husband, you need to be clear why you want to come clean too. You might assuage your guilt but you will lose everything.

StCharlotte · 29/05/2019 08:31

No.

PerpendicularVincent · 29/05/2019 08:31

I'd absolutely want to know so I could divorce the cheating gobshite.

HolesinTheSoles · 29/05/2019 08:32

It also definitely does matter who you are. If you're the wife's best friend you'd be much better placed to tell her than if you're the OW who's done enough damage already and should now butt out.

Dateluv · 29/05/2019 08:32

@onceacheat
Sorry you're going through difficulties within your marriage. However, it's sometimes worth sitting down and addressing issues that led to your husband's behaviour in seeking sex thrills elsewhere. Bearing in mind having a small baby within your home affects your relationship as well...

dayswithaY · 29/05/2019 08:32

Whether you're the husband or the OW you should both crawl away in shame not be boasting about it on here.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 29/05/2019 08:33

of Course everyone says yes- no one wants to be a mug. However in reality the question is would you want your world blown apart with a 7month old, probably not!

Buddytheelf85 · 29/05/2019 08:34

It absolutely does matter who you are in the scenario because your motivations for telling her are relevant.

Namechanger2020 · 29/05/2019 08:34

Yes but probably after his annual bonus has been declared.

UpsydaisyandIgglePiggleareatit · 29/05/2019 08:35

Someone is going to turn up with the whole the OW owes the wife nothing thing. And yes... she doesn’t know her... she didn’t make that commitment. BUT if you are a genuine nice human being... even if you have strong feelings for the husband... you say no... if he had any respect for his partners then he would end the relationship he’s not happy in before pursuing another one.

TheyCalledherPatience · 29/05/2019 08:36

After my husband's affair with a colleague it was her who came round to my house and told me about it. And yes I'm glad she did despite how awful it was. Apart from anything else it was a relief to know I was correct and hadn't been turning into a paranoid mess.
I've no doubt it was pretty revenge on her part rather than some sudden need to let me know for my own sake but at least I know.

SoupDragon · 29/05/2019 08:36

Well, it reads as if it is from the POV of the OW or the H. Where were their morals when they started shagging they started the Affair in full knowledge of the marital status of the man?

number1wang · 29/05/2019 08:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YouJustDoYou · 29/05/2019 08:37

I would want to know. People.close to dh knew, and never told me. As such, I felt like I was going crazy, and also he was constantly putting my health at risk by having sex with other people. I would've wanted the choice to make for myself about what to do, not have dh do what he wanted behind my back without any sort of talk or dialogue with me about what he was feeling etc. However, if you're only going to tell out of spite, that's not good.

SleepingStandingUp · 29/05/2019 08:38

I'd want to know whether it was from him, the OW or someone else.

However, if you're the OW don't tell her you're telling her be ause it's the right thing to do. The right thing to do was not let her husband put his tongue or penis in you.

ArcheryAnnie · 29/05/2019 08:41

Sorry you're going through difficulties within your marriage. However, it's sometimes worth sitting down and addressing issues that led to your husband's behaviour in seeking sex thrills elsewhere. Bearing in mind having a small baby within your home affects your relationship as well...

Dateluv, are you seriously saying that a woman who has gone through pregnancy and birth, and is caring for a small baby, is the one responsible for her husband being a cheating, lying scumbag, because she hasn't been assiduous enough in providing "sex thrills"?

Yes, of course having a small baby is going to drastically affect your relationship, and being knackered and covered in babysick with sore boobs is unlikely to lead to romance all that often (if at all), but that never, ever justifies a man just buggering off to fuck someone else.

scubadive · 29/05/2019 08:42

No definitely not

UpsydaisyandIgglePiggleareatit · 29/05/2019 08:42

@Dateluv

What makes you think she is the wife?

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

Of course no one wants their world blown apart when they have a 7 month old baby but I know I’d still rather know about it. I couldn’t raise a baby with someone who has no respect for me (again..) Stuff like this tends to always come out and I’d rather know sooner than later.

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