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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

If your husband had a month long affair with colleague, would you want to know?

397 replies

onceacheat · 29/05/2019 08:12

If your husband of just 3 years had an affair with a colleague for a month, which he initiated would you want to know if that affair had now ended?

It should be noted that the couple in question also have a 7 month old baby.

The affair involved lots of daily messaging, sexting and pictures, meeting a few times for kissing and touching and two times for sex.

The affair ended when the other woman stopped it because she had feelings for the husband but some more sexting happened after this, initiated by her. The husband then had an accident and was off work for a few weeks and decided himself that the affair should end.

If you were the wife would you want to know?

OP posts:
Sweetpea55 · 30/05/2019 06:16

I had the phone call from the other woman.
Her telling me with obvious glee in her voice the she had heard I was a nice person so thought I should know. He had got rid of her a couple if days prior to this.
She told me that he loved her but financially it wouldn't work between them. Gave me details of times they had spent together etc.
I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone. I thought I was going mad, I couldn't ever see this hurt easing. To say that I was heartbroken is putting it mildly.

user1497863568 · 30/05/2019 06:17

Yes

StarStruckStarGazer · 30/05/2019 06:27

People are trying hard to explain why taking any action will backfire.

Email him at work - he shows his manager & HR, citing harassment in the work place, you could lose your job, then struggle to get another job as gossip spreads.

WhatsApp - he confides in friends, maybe even shows his wife, the message sent by an unstable girl at work who got the wrong idea, now you won't leave him alone. Again possibly affecting work and/or possibly getting you a warning about harassing behaviour from the police.

Text - see above for WhatsApp

Do you think he'll see that he's hurt you and apologise, or even think oh I made a mistake, she is the one for me?

By all means, look at gas lighting, look at narcissistic behaviours and see if that applies to how you've been treated. Then if you need too, you can go to your manager or HRA/HRM, backed up with information evidence. Don't think that unless you work in the same team, that they'll take action as you've had a fling. Even then unless it's an abuse of power etc, action is unlikely to be instigated.

As I said focus on your self love and your self care. Repair the broken bits then look for someone who is single, someone who hopefully will show you all the things your co-worker didn't. Like oh just a minute phone call, got to go now and go back to my wife!

Did it ever enter your head that this wasn't viable and it was wrong?

If you'd said what you're saying now earlier on, maybe the responses would be different. It did appear like you enjoyed the fact that you'd post leaving a few crumbs to follow. That really does not go down well. If you were expecting implicit sympathy, you can't have seen what happens on AIBU. People go for the jugular.

So self love, self care, move on, look for someone new. Leave it to the husband or a colleague/friend to maybe let his wife know.

I knew if a woman who should have known better, she would sit in our local gushing over this bloke. Many regulars pointed out to her, this is wrong on so many levels. She even declared her love for him, she told people the hubby had said his wife is an ogre. No matter how hard you explained, he would say she had two heads, if that helped him justify his actions. OW left the area, husband was still around, people would say what were you thinking. OW dropped the husband in it a certain way, that made the wife suspicious. OW had created a whole narrative in her head why they were going to live happily ever after. I stopped talking to OW at one point, as she was 'shocked' others would talk about it.

Please let this sink in.

MoominMantra · 30/05/2019 07:31

The thing is, men who cheat don't usually do it once, realise their mistake and then turn over a new leaf. Getting away with it just makes them less concerned about doing it the next time.

It is a pattern of behaviour. He probably will have done this with others before the OP and will do it afterwards again.

MoominMantra · 30/05/2019 07:33

A warning about 'harassing' behaviour from the police?! When the OW obviously will have evidence of their affair? Grin

ImNotNigel · 30/05/2019 07:42

A warning about 'harassing' behaviour from the police?! When the OW obviously will have evidence of their affair?

The police are not interested in morality, adultery is not a crime.

If he tells the Op not to contact him and she goes on doing so, it’s harassment. Especially if it’s clear the messages are threatening in some way “ I’ll tell your wife and destroy your marriage “ not “ hi how are you, fancy a drink sometime? “ .

I suspect the police will be a lot quicker to act when it’s a women harassing a man than when it’s the other way around .

TurquoiseTurtles · 30/05/2019 07:48

I'm sure that is pretty self explanatory, if you have anyone sending messages that contain threats, or contain anything that's considered as harassment, they can give a warning or caution I believe, if that is ignored it is escalated further.

For those here a long time, remember the Mum being targeted by another Mum who had some kind of issues. I believe the Mum doing the crazy batshit stuff is being prosecuted. I think it was Play Group Mum or something like that.

I guess it's a wiggly line for what is considered harassment & stalking. Still from that other thread it is taken seriously.

TheoriginalLEM · 30/05/2019 07:54

The best revenge is a life well lived

GinUnicorn · 30/05/2019 07:56

I might get flamed for this post but I disagree and I’d want to know.

When I was just turned 20 I met this great guy who I really liked but who wanted to take it slow. I wanted a bit more but he always got funny about introducing me to family etc.

After six months as a couple I found out he was actually engaged and due to be married in four months time.

I was absolutely heartbroken and just wanted to hide and never think of him again. I still regret not warning his poor fiancée.

A mutual friend who still sees him professionally has told me he cheated on his wife multiple times and got another woman pregnant who he left his wife for. If I’d been less of a coward I could maybe have spared her that pain.

MoominMantra · 30/05/2019 08:06

@ImNotNigel but my point is, he's not going to tell the police because that would lead to the affair coming out. If you could get the police to attend to the sending of a text message in your area - you're lucky! They won't (can't) even attend burglaries in my area now.

stressedmum77 · 30/05/2019 08:09

100% I would want to know because even if it has ended it still happened in the 1st place and what's to say it wouldn't happen again. The trust is lost now.

ChillaxingInMyKimono · 30/05/2019 08:34

People coming onto the thread now, 300+ posts in, cop on, will you?

If you did want to know (fair enough) - it wouldn't be via the OW telling you, to spite you.

MoominMantra · 30/05/2019 08:43

I'd be happy to know via the other woman if that was the only way I would find out.

TurquoiseTurtles · 30/05/2019 09:21

@GinUnicorn I'm sorry you had that experience, I don't think you are to blame not telling her, I know a few women who haven't had the best of relationships, they believed the wedding would cure all, then children would bring them together.

If you weren't in the know you can't blame yourself.

I'm not sure if OP knew that the man was married with a baby. If she did then I'd feel more inclined to be shocked that she went ahead.

Some men will always direct / manage the conversation, so the wife is the biggest ogre about. They need to justify their behaviour ultimately.

That's why it's a great life lesson on a multifaceted level, if family, friends, partners, colleagues, (the list is endless) tell you what you want to hear, try and imagine the truth. Why are they hiding the truth? Does it benefit you not knowing the truth?

Saavhi · 30/05/2019 09:29

Yes, so I could divorce him.

MoominMantra · 30/05/2019 09:32

'Some men will always direct / manage the conversation, so the wife is the biggest ogre about. They need to justify their behaviour ultimately. '

This is so true. I met a man off Tinder who told me he was in the process of divorcing his wife and that they were separated. It turned out he was actually trying to persuade his wife to take him back. She actually contacted me to ask how far things had gone with me and him. I was pretty horrified tbh.

wrcm · 30/05/2019 13:59

That was exactly what my xh did. Was telling everyone i was a horrible wife and that i never paid him any attention.. sorry i had kids, a full time job and a house to look after cause he was a lazy bastard and was more interested in himself than his kids.

Cheeserton · 30/05/2019 14:05

Get away with it? You're equally responsible for this disgusting mess. Stay away from people who aren't single.

ThatCurlyGirl · 01/06/2019 13:42

You don't want him to "get away Scott free".

Regardless of whether she should be told or not, your motives are so vindictive.

You were equally complicit in the affair and now you're planning on revenge.

Horrible.

TheTrollFairy · 01/06/2019 13:58

His wife does deserve to know, you are right on that but you’re not the right person to do it as your motives are all wrong. If I was the wife I would be fucking furious if the OW did it.

I honestly think you need to leave it, he doesn’t need to know how you feel as it will boost his ego to know how you felt about him after just a month. He will do it again too, especially if he doesn’t get anything back from it but this isn’t your drama to live. Just keep well out of the situation.

FWIW, you are half to blame for this situation (assuming you knew he had a wife). Guys like this rarely leave their wives for the person on the side. They just use this as a line to string people along for longer and usually when it gets to crunch time something dramatic happens and it’s not the right time to leave his wife and child

ichifanny · 01/06/2019 14:01

I was contacted by other woman after my Husband finished with her as he wanted us to stay together ,I will never forget the glee and malice in her voice , the fact somehow I must be so abhorrent that a stranger loathed me and wanted to ruin my life really hurt .i dealt with my husband being unfaithful but the nastiness of how I found out still gives me flashbacks , just awful .

UnicornDaisy · 01/06/2019 15:10

Yes I would want to know so that I could kick him out and start divorce proceedings!!

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