If your husband had a month long affair with colleague, would you want to know?

[onceacheat]

If your husband of just 3 years had an affair with a colleague for a month, which he initiated would you want to know if that affair had now ended?

It should be noted that the couple in question also have a 7 month old baby.

The affair involved lots of daily messaging, sexting and pictures, meeting a few times for kissing and touching and two times for sex.

The affair ended when the other woman stopped it because she had feelings for the husband but some more sexting happened after this, initiated by her. The husband then had an accident and was off work for a few weeks and decided himself that the affair should end.

If you were the wife would you want to know?

No, I wouldn't want to know.

So...you've knowingly slept with a married man, and now bitter that he has chosen to stay with his wife, you are seeking validation to let the wife know

In your mind it's win win, you'll tell the wife , she'll break up with him and you'll come out of it with a little respect (which you shouldn't as you slept with a married man) as a true sister, looking out for her fellow woman

The reality is , they will probably work through it, and she will batter you (and you'd frankly deserve it)

No I wouldn't want to know and No I wouldn't say anything

An anonymous letter. Wow. You really are a piece of work. Who are you doing this for then. The wife? 🤦‍♀️

Op you’re pissed off with him for dumping you but honestly what else did you expect from someone who is willing to cheat on his dw, the mother of their young dc?

You should have thought about the repercussions of shagging a married colleague.

Don’t shit on your own doorstep next time.

Ignorance is bliss.
You only want to tell her because he dumped you, don’t act out of spite and find a nice single man for yourself. He might have initiated it but you could have said no.

OP has shown quite plainly she wants to do it in order to be spiteful. Had he not dumped you, I doubt very much you would have had a moral ephinany and ended it of your own accord. Will she need STI screening?

I’d want to know. I’d worry if he had contracted anything and passed it onto me. He’s then be out on his ear.

But you don't even want to tell her. You're that much of a coward you would send an anonymous letter. Ffs

I think you approach each situation with a 'do no harm' intention. Avoid bringing drama to anyone's doorstep!

There is no clear answer here as every couple has a distinctly different dynamic. I would not tell anyone but would strongly suggest the husband did it himself.

Are you writing a trashy psychological thriller OP and trying to get some help with the plot?

In the scale of a long marriage where a child's welfare, security and long-term happiness are dependent on the trust and love between the parents it is callous and cruel to do anything at all.

It's over, he made a terrible mistake. He has probably learned from his foolishness and the chances are he will never do anything to threaten his family ever again. DO NOTHING, SAY NOTHING.

Any other action is reprehensible.

Yes.

Because her marriage is now based on a lie and she needs to be able to choose what to do.

If I were in the know then I would speak with the lying cheating husband and give him an ultimatum.
He tells the wife or you do.
I don't care if you are the ow or not.

In the past I had a friend who was cheating on their ltp. It was horrible to watch and in the end I told her she neededto confess or end one of the relationships. She split from her partner.

So if you are the OW you've had sex with a man who, you knew, had a wife with a baby at home. Not content with that, now he's no longer coming running you decide that sending an anonymous letter is the best way forward.

So now the poor wife not only knows about this but she has a shadowy figure who will, to her, seem to getting great glee at making her life a misery. When she's (the wife) has done nothing wrong. Nice.

Yes, her husband should tell her but if you decide to have the guts to face the repercussions. That may well entail one or both of you moving jobs - btw if your company find out about it you may well have no choice. My old company had a rule about husbands/wives/girlfriend/boyfriend or lovers working together. If a relationship started one got moved. This was financial services and was there to prevent fraud and cover up. So you may want to check your contract.

One last thing. If you are the OW you may well enjoy the initial chaos you'll cause by telling all. But you won't get 'your man'. My ex-H did the same thing (no children thank God - I waited for a decent man to come along until I had our DS). The marriage ended and he married someone else, many years later. Not the OW - no idea what happened to her. Personally I'd have loved the two of them to have got together. With their track record they'd have had a miserable marriage - who can trust their other half if they met whilst breaking up a marriage??

I would rather not know.
The only person I would want to tell me would be my husband and he would need a bloody good reason to 1. Why (no bullshit it just happened) 2. Why tell me.

So you’re the OW then, what’s your motive for telling? Are you hoping he’ll leave his DW?

DC being involved makes telling even more important IMO because the cheated on partner doesn’t have information of relevance to her parenting and other choices for her DC.

Giving the H an ultimatum would give him the upper hand in what he tells his wife.

@LondonJax

Agree with 99% but you do realise OW do sometimes go on to become step moms and the new wife ? It does happen, you just have to look on relationship board. Most new wives / step moms are in some way OW

If the husband tells her then they will have to deal with aftermath together and they might get through it or they might not.

But often in these situations the only reason the betrayer confesses is to assuage his own guilt. The telling is never for the benefit (or to the advantage of) the betrayed partner.

For anyone outside the marriage to do the telling is always wrong. Nobody knows the dynamics of other people's relationships and it is almost impossible to detach from your own preconceptions & misconceptions when making the decision to tell or not to tell.

No, the cheated on partner having information to inform his/her decisions is always better IMO.

I found out about ExH’s affair after he dumped her.She took my number off his phone & called me. Yes it blew my world apart. I divorced the bastard Maybe she did me a favour but it was the most awful way to find out .

The number of long-marrieds (30 or 40+ years) I know whose partner (male and female) have at some point had an affair (brief and lasting years and even ongoing) is staggering.

They are all happy now. None of their partners know. If they'd known yes they may well have made different life-choices which probably would have resulted in breaking up the family when they couldn't see a way to forgive and move on.

Ignorance IS bliss for many couples, and their children. They are all sailing off into the sunset now in retirement, with grandchildren here or on the way, and Sunday lunches in the familiar family home, happy family gatherings, shared villa holidays and outings.

I knew, (found out). It was hell as I tried to come to terms (took years) but I stayed and eventually I forgave. I'm so glad I did.

Hell hath no fury, eh?

I'm in the camp of OP being the other woman.

You have a wife, who has a child going through some very testing transitions, like teething, weaning, so much. She is likely trying hard to keep it together, as the dream childless people have about motherhood is so far from the truth.

The first year is really hard to navigate.

I don't know if in some fantasy world you think, his wife will be livid, she'll throw him out, he'll call me in a state, I can say come round here. We can open a bottle of wine (I wouldn't put it past you not to go as far as champagne though ) We will live happily ever after. His parents, family and friends won't mind that we're both scumbags, leaving his wife vulnerable and alone. (You can imagine the rest pretty much!)

It's not going to happen, the reality is you drop off your bunny boiler letter, his wife is going to be broken, he's going to hate you pretty much for eternity. Then work will be unbearable, as the gossip spreads, the OW is never going to come out like roses.

Surely OP knows that gossip fuels the dull working day. Even though it is macabre and shocking.