If your husband had a month long affair with colleague, would you want to know?

[onceacheat]

If your husband of just 3 years had an affair with a colleague for a month, which he initiated would you want to know if that affair had now ended?

It should be noted that the couple in question also have a 7 month old baby.

The affair involved lots of daily messaging, sexting and pictures, meeting a few times for kissing and touching and two times for sex.

The affair ended when the other woman stopped it because she had feelings for the husband but some more sexting happened after this, initiated by her. The husband then had an accident and was off work for a few weeks and decided himself that the affair should end.

If you were the wife would you want to know?

OP,

I was once pursued by a married man.
I told him to get to fuck. He was married. That was all the reasoning I needed to leave well alone.

Up your standards. Don't be the bit on the side. You probably not the first and won't be the last.

But keep your motives clean, if you do tell her. Not a knee jerk reaction out of spite and bitterness.

The misogyny on this thread is utterly depressing. Gleefully telling op she's been dumped, meant nothing, was a receptacle, is a bunny boiler etc are clearly showing how much some women hate and fear other women.

This guy has a baby at home but the MN guillotine knitters are pleased he's 'come to his senses' and dumped the meaningless bit of fun. So he gets off scot free and the OW is told she'll suffer great guilt and maybe even poor mental health.

If the only way you can protect your marriage is to instruct other women on the evils of cheating, you don't have much of a marriage. It was ever thus, women doing men's dirty work and enforcing the double moral standard.

OP do you this if you posted this first off you would have avoided all the conjecture.

I'm married, in our circle of friends, crikey over 15 years ago was a bloke who's wife was pregnant & poorly. We all knew what he was up to, he landed himself in it thankfully, as it's never been so awkward visiting a first time Mum, knowing what her OH was up to.

You need to get it in your head that the 'wife' is the victim in all of this.

Maybe you were vulnerable or whatever, it's a great life lesson that hopefully you'll never repeat.

I've no doubt it hurts, your best course of action is to put it behind you, no matter how upset / angry you are. Find a nice guy who is single and you can create a proper relationship with. You need to focus on your future, not revenge.

@StarStruckStarGazer quite.

OP imo there’s a melodramatic, rather self-indulgent undertone to the way you’ve written about this that makes me uncomfortable. You say that the man won’t want to see his mistake every day; what will you do if he refuses to change locations or jobs? I think you need to prepare yourself for him staying and accept that this may be for practical reasons rather than because he wants to see you every day (he might, but it’s best for all not to entertain that thought). You need to think about whether you could cope with continuing to work with him without wanting to get back together.

I remember your other thread. Be glad it gave you the push to end your bad marriage and move on. You are not the victim here.

To be honest this post has made me realise the man he actually is.

I was naive and fell for his lines... "I miss you", "I think about you all the time", "you have turned my life upside down". I was vulnerable and stupid and did for a while think he actually liked me. I know I am far from blameless but I am starting to feel angry with him. Yes I am bitter because he used me and I was gullible I didn't see it.

In fact when I see him at work tomorrow, I am going to suggest he relocates and tell him exactly what I think, it will have to be in an email though.

Do you have a way of giving a friend of hers the information? So that someone who cares about her can decide the best course of action and if appropriate deliver it in the right way?

Let's be clear, though, there is a special place in hell for both men who cheat when their wife has just given birth to their child and the women who do it with him. You say you were vulnerable - so was he. Their relationship was vulnerable - this is an extraordinarily difficult time. I'm not saying you are worse than him, he is on another level, but you aren't a victim in this.

Are you significantly younger than him OP?

I've a feeling he's not going to though, it sounds a bit like what he wants he gets. I'm relatively old and have seen this thing in life, in my line of work, etc.

I can't assume what the man is thinking, if you were vulnerable / easily led, he'll have 'likely' done this in his past, so he knows how to try and cover up. I read up post someone saying you'll be the bunny boiler psycho, yes he made a minor mistake, but...

You really need to focus on you.

You wouldn't believe what some women will tolerate.

Please try and clear the idea of letting his wife know. Instead focus on your own self care and self love.

Do not do it through an email! Do not give him any evidence against you, ffs! Tell him to fuck off to the far side of fuck, yes. But you need to be careful you don't end up getting sacked! Move on from him. It was a stupid mistake that lasted a month. Move on. You are better than that, surely?

MorrisZapp They're trying to tell OP what kind of man he is and it doesn't put him in a good light. Let's face it, if it wasn't OP, he'd have another woman .
I don't like the idea of his getting off scot-free either but if he did end it because he felt it was a terrible mistake then he should feel horribly guilty for quite a while. Carrying a guilty secret is seriously unpleasant.

That should say he would have found another woman

In fact when I see him at work tomorrow, I am going to suggest he relocates and tell him exactly what I think
Either tell his DW, make it a work issue too or let it go, he is a slime ball, you knew he was married, You don't have the right to suggest he leaves.
You may have been gullible but you willingly had this affair.

Do not make any decisions that you may regret while you’re feeling like this. It’s clouding your judgement and I think you will regret it for a long time. Don’t contact him or her. Let yourself get over it all, chalk it down to experience and move on.

One of my very good friends is in this situation and OW told her. The affair started when her twins were 5 months. It is an act of spite on the OWs part to do this. I'm glad you've reconsidered OP.

Men like this very seldom leave their wives. In my friends case the OW has been cast aside pretty quickly and it's likely the same would happen to you. Find yourself someone else.

OP, the OW very often gets a bad rap. But this man is despicable. His DW is the woman he’s used really ill, and has probably used the justification of seeking out sex elsewhere because with a 7-mo baby, it’s probably in short supply in his own relationship.

But he’s treated you shamefully, too. There’s a lot of pushback against women who ‘knowingly’ sleep with married men, but although I’m not one of them I do know how hard this can be to resist. I once fell for an attached man I didn’t pursue; I suspect it was mutual and emotional as much as a physical attraction. We never even so much as kissed - no exchange of private messages - but it was one of the most painful things I’ve ever experienced. It hurt just as much as if it had been an actual affair; perhaps more, as there were no memories to sustain me (but at least we were both spared the humiliation of rejection).

I know exactly what feelings induced you to give in to this; as did he, and he exploited these to the hilt so he could grab a bit on the side to compensate for his own lack of satisfaction. He never gave a thought to how he could hurt both you and his DW.

The man is an absolute pig, and I hope your realisation of this is a decisive first step toward moving on. And with your dignity intact; that part is very important and I can tell you from experience it will make you feel better in the end.

I also hope you can somehow move out of each other’s orbit in the workplace. A clean break is the healthiest in these circumstances.

May karma bite him on his sorry arse. And I’m fairly convinced that eventually, it will.

I would want to know.. before I ended up having anymore children with him.

I think you should tell her, not anonymously but truthfully and for the right reasons... not revenge but maybe to stop him doing this again.

This email to him you’re thinking of sending when you see him at work tomorrow, it wouldn’t be sent via the company email system would it? Not a good idea unless you want your workplace to find out. Please put the drama of this behind you, if not for the wife’s sake then your own.

Not telling the wife is precisely how men get away with this stuff repeatedly .....

You should absolutely not tell her, your motives don’t come from a good place. You don’t care about her, about her feelings. You want to punish him for calling it off. Very sly posting this question without saying who you were upfront. People gave their answers because they thought you were asking out of concern for the OP, not your own self interest.

I'd definitely want to know.

Hell has no fury like a woman scorned ... have some self respect, move on, you are not looking to cause trouble out of concern for his wife you are looking for revenge.

Ok so I won't send it via work email, it will have to be a long WhatsApp message then.

I think I just finally need to give him a piece of my mind... up till now I have just been friendly towards him. I think this will give me closure and although I won't tell his wife, I will suggest he does. Of course he won't though.

Onceacheat I wouldn't bother if I were you. There's dignity in silence and yes, it took me a while to learn that. He's unlikely to give a flying fuck about your opinion. He might not reply and even if you just want to get it off your chest. The lack of reply may rankle you and make you more inclined to keep writing.