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AIBU?

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Original poster

If your husband had a month long affair with colleague, would you want to know?

397 replies

onceacheat · 29/05/2019 08:12

If your husband of just 3 years had an affair with a colleague for a month, which he initiated would you want to know if that affair had now ended?

It should be noted that the couple in question also have a 7 month old baby.

The affair involved lots of daily messaging, sexting and pictures, meeting a few times for kissing and touching and two times for sex.

The affair ended when the other woman stopped it because she had feelings for the husband but some more sexting happened after this, initiated by her. The husband then had an accident and was off work for a few weeks and decided himself that the affair should end.

If you were the wife would you want to know?

OP posts:
lololove · 29/05/2019 17:38

I hope he doesn't have a pet bunny...

StarStruckStarGazer · 29/05/2019 17:40

@DuchessDarty It's going to be like 50 Shades of Grey merged with Fatal Attraction. Confused

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 29/05/2019 17:45

I'd want to know if my DH was a cheating bastard.

I would also want proof, I wouldn't necessarily believe an anonymous letter, especially if DH had been covering it really well.

OP you sound like the OW and you sound mightily hacked off about how this has panned out. If you do this you will open a world of shit for the DW DH and likely for you also.

The husband will know where an 'anonymous' letter has come from and most likely minimise to his wife..you will have thrown yourself at him repeatedly and this is your revenge for his rebuff etc etc.

If you're going to do it then you should do it in person and give her the proof she will need to make a decision.

Itsnotmesothere · 29/05/2019 17:47

It's really interesting to read your perspective villageshop

glasshalf · 29/05/2019 17:48

His wife should know but not he told by the
-jealousy ridden scorned other women . I actually always say the one in the relationship is to blame more than the OW but in this case I almost feel there is some joy to be had of turning the world of his wife upside down!

TeddybearBaby · 29/05/2019 17:48

Why do you want to tell the wife / what are you hoping to achieve? Is it because you’re feeling hurt and used and want to punish him or is it cos you’re hoping to have him for yourself? I think you need to work on yourself and what you want and never lower yourself to being the ow again. Surely if your self esteem was higher you’d feel like you were too good for that in the first place. Being happy / moving on is the best revenge. Don’t worry about their relationship. It’s none of your business.

Pa1oma · 29/05/2019 17:56

OP / OW whatever you are. You seem to think this is some kind of joke?
What the hell is wrong with you? He dumped you. What did you expect? And yes, his wife is better off knowing this truth. But ultimately, you’re a bigger fool than her.

Passtherioja · 29/05/2019 17:59

@BossAssBitch
@AnchorDownDeepBreath

That was me! Hmmm, what do I mean? It's a tricky one!

We all know we should want to know, we can all say we'd want to know...but would we really if this is a one-off "lapse?" Again I'll say that I'm really not siding with DH or saying that the shit trick he has pulled is ok!!)

BUT ... if it's done, he's seen how fucking horribly wrong it can go (lets face it he must be shitting himself when you consider how vengeful and unstable the OW/OP is) ...maybe, just maybe it will never happen again and he'll be a doting husband and father, forever grateful that he didn't lose everything.

...we say we'd all want to know but I'm not sure we would. Not sure that explains it properly....to want to never know would need to be that it was never happening again...maybe I'm thinking too rosy....(and he's had protected sex!!)

Weirdwonders · 29/05/2019 18:03

Do it if you accept that you’d be prepared for someone to write to any new partner you ever have, telling them that you once knowingly had an affair with a married man with a baby.

Original poster
onceacheat · 29/05/2019 18:07

Look I posted on here for advice and yes I am OW, I now can see that telling the wife is a stupid idea and I won't be doing it.

For info I never threw myself at him many times. I gracefully excepted his decision to end it with me, I am hurting a lot but he doesn't know this.

For reasons I won't go into I can't leave work, so I will suggest he finds a way to transfer or work from somewhere else. He obviously wants his marriage to work (he has never actually said this to me though) and being away from me is better for him and his wife as he won't want to see his mistake everyday I imagine.

OP posts:
Passtherioja · 29/05/2019 18:15

@onceacheat -then maybe this contentious "debate" was worth it. It's obvious given you time to consider how telling the wife would impact upon you as well as him.

Put it behind you. Chalk it on the "I'm never doing that again" board -and be happy.

boobirdblue · 29/05/2019 18:21

For info I never threw myself at him many times. I gracefully excepted his decision to end it with me, I am hurting a lot but he doesn't know this.

You're not graceful your bitter, so bitter that you'd consider telling his wife to spite him. I doubt he does know your hurting, it wouldn't be in this type of persons mind to worry about hurting the OW. He doesn't care about the woman he married and had a child with you're certainly not important compared to them.

EmeraldShamrock · 29/05/2019 18:22

OW, I now can see that telling the wife is a stupid idea and I won't be doing it
Please do tell her.
The majority agreed we'd like to know, unless you were planning on him running into your arms.
Your intentions were never good, all selfish.
Do yourself a favour don't hook up with married men again, I can't believe you wanted to destroy her.
Tell her for the right reason, to see her DH is a scummy mate.

PizzaForPusheen · 29/05/2019 18:26

I would want to hear it from a friend/concerned colleague/other innocent witness who was acting for the best/couldn’t stand the deceit or the sleaziness.

I wouldn’t want to hear it from the OW unless the OW had been an unwitting participant I.e. hadn’t known about married status/had been lied to or duped. And then only if they’d ended it pretty sharpish as soon as they found out.

EmeraldShamrock · 29/05/2019 18:27

He obviously wants his marriage to work (he has never actually said this to me though)
Did you actually believe he would leave his DW. His poor wife was probably not fulfilling his needs with the new born.
He is a shallow man, tell her.
I hope your job finds out too.

PizzaForPusheen · 29/05/2019 18:27

By the way OP, I don’t think you can really use the word graceful about your own conduct in anyway in this context. Bit of a misnomer that.

Loopytiles · 29/05/2019 18:28

You’re doing her no favours by not telling.

Summersunshine2 · 29/05/2019 18:29

Put it behind you and never look back. Don't bring anymore drama to your door and don't waste anymore time and thought on him.
Improve your own life and treat yourself (and others) with more respect than to be an OW.
No doubt huge guilt will follow this and may even affect your mental health. Deal with that and move on positively.

smallereveryday · 29/05/2019 18:30

Absolutely NOT

glasshalf · 29/05/2019 18:32

@onceacheat be the bigger person . Yes he's a twat , yes he thought the grass was greener but let him keep being the deceitful pathetic excuse for a man and you build yourself up and become stronger . Move on and find your own happiness - even if he comes running do not ever accept being the Ow for one day you will be the same as his poor unsuspecting wife . He isn't good for you or your MH . I imagine it hurts but maybe not as much as his wife will fee when she finds out because one day she will .

CatsRidingRollercoasters · 29/05/2019 18:33

Absolutely I would want to know. I wanted to know when my ex had an affair. Note, 'ex'.

Itsnotmesothere · 29/05/2019 18:35

To those that say tell her: would you really want to hear it from the OW? I'm just calling because I think you ought to know your husband is a cheater. He's finished fucking me now. Well thank you so much. I know you told me for the right reasons. Hmm

CallMeRachel · 29/05/2019 18:36

Look, you were nothing more than a easy and convenient plaything to this man while he wasn't getting as much attention at home.

He's come to his senses and stopped it. If you go running to tell his wife now you are just acting out of spite. If you thought she should know then you should have told her when it started.

Move on and learn from this treatment, a married man will almost never throw away his marriage for a work affair.

Woofbloodywoof · 29/05/2019 18:39

Hey OP.
You say he’ll do it again. If he does, it’s unlikely it will be with you. Especially not if you tell his wife.
Whatever way you look at it OP, he’s just not that into you.
Also, as the kid of an OW (DF a serial cheat) I’ve always lacked that extra bit of respect for my ‘D’M who was incapable of shagging a man who wasn’t married. I never had any sympathy for her when my DF went on to cheat again. Your kind are a piece of work, let me tell you.

wrcm · 29/05/2019 18:43

I'm not sure why just because she is the OW that she shouldn't let the wife know what he has been up to. She deserves to know that her husband is a cheating scumbag. Yes the OP is just as bad for starting an affair with a married man but this poor woman who has just had a baby could possibly be sitting there thinking her husband is faithful and loving when in actual fact it's the complete opposite. There is NO excuse for cheating of any kind, emotional or physical. She needs to know. Whether it's from OP coming clean and confessing or from the husband. But i think one of them needs to put this poor woman out of her misery. She deserves so much better than to be treated in such a disrespectful manner.

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