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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want baby to have my surname too

230 replies

Sashadublin · 27/05/2019 17:49

I'm due my first baby mid- June. DH and I very excited. When we got married I kept my name, for a few reasons, including that I'm an only child with quite an unusual surname and it would effectively end with me if I didn't. No issue from DH at the time. We had discussed and agreed that baby would have both my and his surname. They work well together. Not going to hyphenate it, but have the two and when the child is older if she just wants to use DH's surname, that's fine. Realistically happy for my name to at least be on the child's birth cert, but school, everyday usage can just be DH's . However DH recently had conversation with his sister who said this was a terrible idea. If my name was in the baby's surname on the cert for ever more she would have to have both. Asked a solicitor who specialises in family law and he said that was absolute nonsense, and practical for passports etc.I told DH I would compromise and just have my name on the birth cert but for everything else the baby can go by his surname only. He said no there can't be any compromise, the baby simply can't have my surname as well as his on the birth cert; just his. I'm absolutely stunned. Their family has 3 sons, they already have 4 grandchildren with that surname. It's just me in my family. His family are very unhappy about my wish apparently. I just don't get it, I'm hardly demanding we only use my surname for the baby. Exhausted and surprised at my DH. He says it's just a name and I'm being silly

OP posts:
Walltowall · 27/05/2019 17:52

If it’s just a name then why can’t baby have only yours? And why does his family get to decide your baby’s name?

burritofan · 27/05/2019 17:53

You can put whatever you want on the birth certificate for the surname. DP and I used our surnames as extra middle names so DD has that option, but her surname is a brand-new one just for her. Your DH is being an arse. Unfortunately as you're married he can go off alone with your marriage certificate and register the birth with whatever name he wants, without you there. (Hopefully he won't be THAT twattish though.)

Pinktruffle · 27/05/2019 17:53

Well by his own measure, if you are being silly, so is he. If he thinks its 'just a name' what's his issue with you using your surname? It's just a name as he said after all?

I think they are being sexist to be honest. You are growing and giving birth to the baby, you have every right to have your surname in there too and frankly, it's got nothing to do with his family.

RibenaMonsoon · 27/05/2019 17:54

If its just a name then it won't matter if the baby just has your surname then surely.
Leave his off instead.
Perhaps he will understand how you feel if you approach it like that.
Sod what his family thinks, not their baby.

Purplegecko · 27/05/2019 17:55

My sister and I are the end of the line for our family name, so DD has my surname and so will my other kids. I won't budge on that.
My OH legally changed his surname to something absolutely ridiculous, not saddling the kids with that even if I didn't want to continue my family name.

I don't get what your DH's issue is, tbh.

Windygate · 27/05/2019 17:55

Who made him the boss? Your surname could be DC's middle name or even their only surname. What do you want?

bridgetreilly · 27/05/2019 17:56

He is wrong.

There is absolutely no reason not to name the baby First name Middle name Your name His name, with both Your name and His name in the surname box.

Mari50 · 27/05/2019 17:56

Agree with pp, if it’s just a name and you’re being silly then I’ve the baby your surname. In the situation you’ve described I would do that anyway, would never give my child a name I didn’t share.

CloserIAm2Fine · 27/05/2019 17:57

Make sure your name is on there. And I’d push for double barrelled to be the everyday version tbh. Why confuse the matter by having a name they never use? Just use both.

If he’s this much of a dick about it when you’re together, just imagine how much of a dick he would be if you were trying to change it after you broke up.

It’s nothing at all to do with his family, and he’s a knob to prioritise their opinions over yours.

RandomMess · 27/05/2019 18:00

I have 2 surnames not hyphenated, it's a bit tiresome at times - so at Drs, bank, passport etc I go by legal surname rest of the time I use "known as" and just the one name.

Your DH is being entirely unreasonable I would insist on both or just yours if the baby can only have "one" Angry

Veterinari · 27/05/2019 18:00

Why do him and his family get to decide the name of YOUR baby?

This baby is 50% your genes, you carry it, you birth it, you bloody well get to have a say in its name. Unless your husband is a sexist misogynistic arsehole who goes back on agreements and can’t be trusted to keep to your deal?

You need a frank discussion - this isn’t just about the name - it’s about you being a team together and standing up to his bullying family. If he won’t stand with you then you have bigger problems than just the name.

DillyDilly · 27/05/2019 18:01

Don’t give in on this, insist on your surname being included.

Bluebell878275 · 27/05/2019 18:08

or just yours if the baby can only have "one" angry so you're telling her to be just as unreasonable as her DH...

Original poster
Sashadublin · 27/05/2019 18:10

Yeah I was really surprised by this to be honest. Feel like they've (his family) all been talking about it. My preference is to have both our names for the surname, but weirdly not even my own family particularly support me on that. I'm certainly not going to budge on the birth cert. I just don't know how it got to this, normally we argree on everything. Very much resent the family interference. And feel a bit alone in my own family about it.

OP posts:
Ilovemylabrador · 27/05/2019 18:13

I had this with my ex. I kept my name - we agreed any children would have hyphenated name but then his parents said it was stupid - we weren’t married at the time - so I said children have my name only until marriage. We got divorced years later and I am very relieved the children have my name only. Give them your name only or joint. Don’t give way

Iloveacurry · 27/05/2019 18:15

If it’s just a name, well according to your DH, then why can’t your surname be on the birth certificate? And what’s it got to do with his family anyway?

BummyKnocker · 27/05/2019 18:16

I insisted on having my name on the birth cert and in everyday life too, I'm the one who pushed them out of my vagina.

Why should you compromise? Its patriarchal shit, the baby is not his property.

Don't discuss, don't give way, everybody will forget about it after a while.

SinkGirl · 27/05/2019 18:20

I wouldn’t make complicated plans that make her life more difficult. If you want her to have both names, I think you need to hyphenate them.

Also, I’ve been surprised by how often It’s assumed mine and my DTs’ surname is the same - every time someone is filling in a form, hospital appointments and so on. If you’re going to be the one at home and dealing with all this stuff then it makes sense to use yours for practical reasons if nothing else.

And of course you can always change their name later if you both agree.

Assuming the baby is a girl, chances are she may not feel the same about keeping her surname if she gets married / has kids.

AryaStarkWolf · 27/05/2019 18:22

Tell him the baby will have your name on the birth cert and that's the end of it.

Quintella · 27/05/2019 18:22

I'd hit the roof at discovering my seemingly modern DH had turned into a Victorian.

Fuck that shit.

Quintella · 27/05/2019 18:23

I told DH I would compromise and just have my name on the birth cert but for everything else the baby can go by his surname only. He said no there can't be any compromise, the baby simply can't have my surname as well as his on the birth cert; just his.

Who the hell does he think he is?

RiftGibbon · 27/05/2019 18:25

When I married DH I kept my name and appended his. Not because he wanted me to, but because I wanted to have both names.
When we had DC, both names went on the birth cert. No hyphen.
What anyone else thought was irrelevant and we certainly didn't discuss it. In fact, DH and I didn't discuss it either - we both just assumed that both names would go on.

Karigan195 · 27/05/2019 18:26

My ex DH did the same. I acquiesced. Biggest mistake EVER. Minute we were divorced I was interrogated every time we went through customs. Quizzed about my relationship to my child when I signed him up for formal things.

It took a court order to get it amended so I now can take my son abroad or to look at a new school without having to explain my relationship to him.

fedup21 · 27/05/2019 18:29

How bloody dare he!

I think at that heavily pregnant I would go apoplectic!

He is not the boss and neither are his family. Say, if it’s just a name then-it’s mine.

Bluebell878275 · 27/05/2019 18:30

*Tell him the baby will have your name on the birth cert and that's the end of it"
I just don't get this.. you're being just as 'old fashioned' and unreasonable as he is. It's wrong for either mother or father to insist on this..it should be a fair compromise. The mother does tend to have the upper hand on the law but it would also be wrong to push your rights of a mum just to spite the patriarchy.