To want baby to have my surname too

[Sashadublin]

I'm due my first baby mid- June. DH and I very excited. When we got married I kept my name, for a few reasons, including that I'm an only child with quite an unusual surname and it would effectively end with me if I didn't. No issue from DH at the time. We had discussed and agreed that baby would have both my and his surname. They work well together. Not going to hyphenate it, but have the two and when the child is older if she just wants to use DH's surname, that's fine. Realistically happy for my name to at least be on the child's birth cert, but school, everyday usage can just be DH's . However DH recently had conversation with his sister who said this was a terrible idea. If my name was in the baby's surname on the cert for ever more she would have to have both. Asked a solicitor who specialises in family law and he said that was absolute nonsense, and practical for passports etc.I told DH I would compromise and just have my name on the birth cert but for everything else the baby can go by his surname only. He said no there can't be any compromise, the baby simply can't have my surname as well as his on the birth cert; just his. I'm absolutely stunned. Their family has 3 sons, they already have 4 grandchildren with that surname. It's just me in my family. His family are very unhappy about my wish apparently. I just don't get it, I'm hardly demanding we only use my surname for the baby. Exhausted and surprised at my DH. He says it's just a name and I'm being silly

As you keep going on about your situation how does staying at home for a year promote equality of the sexes?
It comes down to whether you view it as valuable for parents to take parental leave. I think it is valuable time. DH will be taking half of ours. I won't be judged as unfeminist for taking maternity leave that I'm entitled to and I don't believe that the feminist solution is to push women back to work as quickly as possible in the name of equality.
More fathers stepping up is the way forward in my opinion.

The problem is that it is almost always the woman that makes the informed decision to stay at home with children. And so society and the workplace is built around women doing that. And it will not not change until they stop, and the expectation becomes that men and women will contribute equally to work both inside and outside the home. Which is worlds away at the moment. So yes, women make choices that suit their families-but they are doing nothing to facilitate other women making different choices. It’s a tough one, I agree.

I won't be judged as unfeminist for taking maternity leave that I'm entitled to and I don't believe that the feminist solution is to push women back to work as quickly as possible in the name of equality.

Who is "judging you" for taking maternity leave. I've never seen anyone do that on here on in real life.

YANBU.
It's none of your SIL's fucking business.

My DS has two surnames, no hyphen. Mine and DH's. DH objected but it was non negotiable. We didn't discuss it with our families; well we told them what we'd decided and if they'd expressed an opinion we'd have told them we'd decided and it wasn't up to for discussion.

Don't relegate your surname to middle name, it should be a proper surname. If he objects to two surnames so much then his surname can be the middle one. But the only fair way is to give two surnames. The Spanish manage!

“I won't be judged as unfeminist for taking maternity leave that I'm entitled to ”
If you think I’m doing that, i’ve expressed myself badly. I apologise.

And there is a big difference between judging someone as unfeminist and discussing the still largely patriarchal society and workplace in this country that forces many women into making unfemibiat choices.

The problem is that it is almost always the woman that makes the informed decision to stay at home with children. And so society and the workplace is built around women doing that. And it will not not change until they stop, and the expectation becomes that men and women will contribute equally to work both inside and outside the home. Which is worlds away at the moment. So yes, women make choices that suit their families-but they are doing nothing to facilitate other women making different choices. It’s a tough one, I agree.
It is a tough one, which is why I think decisions ought to be viewed in the context they're taken in and need to be informed.

A woman changing in a job with lots of travel to stay home with a child with additional needs until they go to school knowing she has protection of marriage etc is world's apart from someone having 3 children and leaving the workplace for 10 years to support their DP who thinks marriage is just a bit of paper.

I also think you're more likely to get more equitable parenting arrangements when the woman has established a career of her own (in my experience anyway, I wouldn't want to make sweeping claims). Even if women take their DH name, in my circles of career women it's more common for men to be taking time off, doing their fair share, not being a man child.

Where it becomes less equitable is where women who aren't interested in building a career (and socialisation plays a part in that, I've taught lots of girls who arent bithered about a career because they want to be a mum), pair up with men who've never considered not building a career / assets for themselves. In those situations you get 'well I dont really like my job much and DP earns more'. I would question how informed those women are when it comes to sacrificing pension, earnings, future earning potential to support a man who offers no legal protection (especially when you see the millions of threads on here where women feel they can't leave because they've paid into a house they have no claim on).

Without knowing the context of a decision, I'm not sure it's possible to say if it is a feminist decision or otherwise. I think on the big things we agree. I'm just quite wary of people deciding a decision in isolation is unfeminist.

BertrandRussell

Since I'm not the one who'll have the name, it's no skin off my nose, but can you tell me why, so that when we do have kids I'll try to remember and do so...

Your DH needs to find some backbone. It sounds like he was on board until his family had an opinion and has subsequently caved.

We had the same thing; DS has my and DH's surnames hyphenated. DH got misogynistic shit from both sides of our family, but it was as much his wish as mine so he held firm. Years later now and no one bats an eyelid.

Taking your husband's name on marriage is still what most women do, and it's a 'socially acceptable' reason to change it. Changing your name just because you hate it might be hurtful to your family and a difficult thing to do from that perspective.

This is true in my case. I didn't want to keep the name of a man I don't get along with. In comparison I love my in laws dearly. It was a way to be connected to a family I care about and drop the link I don't want without getting grief from my mum/wider family.

OP stick to your guns. You've offered a very sensible compromise. He needs to compromise as well.

Hold out for the hyphen, OP.

Well despite lots of people saying on here that they have not been railroaded into changing their name/giving their DC the father's name, the op is being railroaded into it, and that is because so many people go along with this convention that her perfectly natural, perfectly logical wish for her child to carry her name seems unreasonable and a bit out there. These decisions are not made in a vacuum, and they do affect other women.

OP, your DH is being illogical, hurtful and unfair. I had an agreement with DH that we would double-barrel DC name (both kept our surnames on marriage) and I'd have been furious if he tried to renege on it. DC is now 2 and we've had precisely zero problems. It's the 21st century, come on!

But, would i tell my friend that she is unfeminist for staying at home and giving her barely minimum wage job up to be full time carer for her child with complex needs? Absolutely not. Her husband is the higher earner and they've made the right decision for their family.

No, I wouldn’t either, unless she had a pop at me for being “unfeminist” for changing her name. The men earning high salaries is part of the problem of inequality though and by women accepting that, opting out and reducing their financial worth further they’re perpetuating that inequality.

You’re forever reading that on here “oh he earns more so it made sense for me to stop work” why is it almost always the man who earns more? I’m pretty sure most jobs aren’t carried out by a performing penis! ;)

Changing *my name

I also find it astounding how many women on MN sacrifice their financial stability to prop up their DP with zero legal protection.

Yep. If my marriage went tits up tomorrow I could go back to my maiden name instantly and be able to feed, clothe, and house my children and I off my own salary.

You’re forever reading that on here “oh he earns more so it made sense for me to stop work” why is it almost always the man who earns more? I’m pretty sure most jobs aren’t carried out by a performing penis! ;)

Yes, it's funny how so many SAHM claim that their DH has so much more earning potential than them. You would think that all men were so much more qualified and clever than women going by some of the posts.

You’re forever reading that on here “oh he earns more so it made sense for me to stop work” why is it almost always the man who earns more? I’m pretty sure most jobs aren’t carried out by a performing penis! ;)
All the time.
Pay disparity within comparable jobs is an issue.
The other issue is women opting not to pursue careers and so take on (generally) lower paid jobs to start with. Socialisation has a lot to answer for there. As the first in my family to go to university and someone who has chosen to build a career, I've heard it all from my mother (who was SAHP for years) about how I'm wasting my time and it's all well and good building a career but when the patter of little feet comes you'll realise what priorities are, not to mention endless comments about the status of my uterus. Thankfully I'm quite stubborn and have married a man who also has liberal and progressive views on equality (but according to my relatives I'm 'lucky' to have a man that cooks, don't get me started!) I grew up in an area where it was the norm for teens to grow up and live in the same area, college would happen, most wouldn't go to university. After college the men would go and work in local industry and the women would do childcare or shop work, you meet Someone, move in, have kids, kids go to the same school you went to and your whole immediate family who didn't leave the area is on hand. I can see how powerful it is.

But if someone makes an informed decision to stay home and has ensured they are protected and that's right for them, I won't be calling it an unfeminist act.

Funny because women earn more than men till 30 so the “he earns more then me” is mostly bollocks.

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/money/2015/aug/29/women-in-20s-earn-more-men-same-age-study-finds

Yes, it's funny how so many SAHM claim that their DH has so much more earning potential than them. You would think that all men were so much more qualified and clever than women going by some of the posts.

Totally. Very depressing and frustrating

“There has to come a point where we trust women to make the decision that is best for them.”

LolaSmiles if only, oh if only, feminism’s biggest challenge was being sure that as women we can trust ourselves and our sisters to make good decisions

It’s the decisions and ongoing behaviour and outlook of men that is the problem. And as in the case of this thread, men coming over all testosteroned up and insisting on stamping his and only his name on his progeny.

Until it is taken for granted that men are as likely to take their spouses name as a woman is, or men are as likely to hyphenate their wife ‘s name to theirs on marriage, then choosing to take your husband’s name and giving your children his name may be the right decisions for you but they aren’t feminist decisions.

Fun fact, OP. You register the birth smile Put what you like down. And if he's such a dick about it it'd be looking for a divorce as it's irrational and abusive, controlling behaviour

Stupid advice. Going behind a parent's back and ignoring the other is just as much a dick move and controlling behaviour as well.
It's the interfering family I'd be fuming with - you'd come to an agreement together and were happy with it until they started poking their noses in to something that's none of their bloody business, and I'd be telling DH that too! He needs to tell them to shut up and butt the hell out.

Why don't you suggest dh changes his surname to yours then you can all have the same name! I haven't changed my name after getting married and my 3 dc's have my husbands surname. I mostly kept my name for work reasons but it can be a bit of a pain having different surnames.

@thecatsthecats my ex-husband liked to bring his siblings and parents opinions into our life decisions. There are lots of other reasons why we are divorced by the way. I'm sure they didn't like what l did with my surname. I chose to go with maiden name at work and married name at home. Hyphenated would have nearly be as silly Smith-Schmitt so l couldn't go down that road sadly

I like the method my ex-USSR mates use, when marrying you keep your name. Baby girls get the mothers surname, baby boys get the fathers surname.