Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want baby to have my surname too

230 replies

Sashadublin · 27/05/2019 17:49

I'm due my first baby mid- June. DH and I very excited. When we got married I kept my name, for a few reasons, including that I'm an only child with quite an unusual surname and it would effectively end with me if I didn't. No issue from DH at the time. We had discussed and agreed that baby would have both my and his surname. They work well together. Not going to hyphenate it, but have the two and when the child is older if she just wants to use DH's surname, that's fine. Realistically happy for my name to at least be on the child's birth cert, but school, everyday usage can just be DH's . However DH recently had conversation with his sister who said this was a terrible idea. If my name was in the baby's surname on the cert for ever more she would have to have both. Asked a solicitor who specialises in family law and he said that was absolute nonsense, and practical for passports etc.I told DH I would compromise and just have my name on the birth cert but for everything else the baby can go by his surname only. He said no there can't be any compromise, the baby simply can't have my surname as well as his on the birth cert; just his. I'm absolutely stunned. Their family has 3 sons, they already have 4 grandchildren with that surname. It's just me in my family. His family are very unhappy about my wish apparently. I just don't get it, I'm hardly demanding we only use my surname for the baby. Exhausted and surprised at my DH. He says it's just a name and I'm being silly

OP posts:
WoWsers16 · 27/05/2019 21:19

I don’t find it uncomfortable at all- I apologise for my choice of wording - but surely conversations about surnames/ future children’s surnames would have already been spoken about and agreed so this kind of situation wouldn’t need to happen??
I don’t think he deserves sympathy - but there’s obviously something deeper for him to backtrack so forcefully??

Witsendagain · 27/05/2019 21:20

As others have said, having a separate name to you DC is a pain in the ass! I changed my name after marriage but hadn't yet updated my passport the first time I travelled with my ds and husband. My husband and I got separated in the airport and I was given a massively hard time. The attendant was quite abusive, threatening to take me off for questioning, separate me from ds, etc. etc. It took long enough that we ended up missing a connection.
My new name is very common (think Smith/Jones) so the irony is I could probably have found some complete stranger with a matching surname to my ds to take him through customs without a quibble!

AnalyseThis · 27/05/2019 21:23

Yanbu.

We put both mine and exH's on the birth certificate and just use mine for daily life in UK for GP, dentist, school. No hyphen. I note the full name too if there's room on the forms but I'm rarely asked to explain further.

I know several women who have regular hassle at airports when travelling without the father because their children have a different surname. We have no issues and as frequent travellers I'm very glad we chose the two-name option.

Veterinari · 27/05/2019 21:25

surely conversations about surnames/ future children’s surnames would have already been spoken about and agreed so this kind of situation wouldn’t need to happen??

That’s kind of the point of the OP Confused didn’t you read it?
These conversations have happened and have been agreed.
The husband is backtracking on this agreement and using his family to put pressure on the OP

Hence the concern from posters that this is a sign of a much bigger problem and the advice to treat it seriously

Pinkvoid · 27/05/2019 21:25

All of my DC have both names and I am very glad I have done that. Heard too many stories of parents separating and the Mother experiencing difficulty trying to leave the country with her DC. It’s very practical and sensible. If it’s ‘just a name’ he shouldn’t have an issue putting yours in there too.

WoWsers16 · 27/05/2019 21:33

i did read it- that is why i followed up the comment with surely there must be some underlying issues for him to back track.

ANewDawn10 · 27/05/2019 21:37

Yanbu dont budge on this. Who the hell is his family to get to decide about your baby. Dont back down and make it very clear to him that his family interference will not be tolerated by you.

fraumaximoo · 27/05/2019 21:44

Just tell him it's happening. He doesn't get a choice. If his name is going on the birth certificate, so is yours. End of.

Veterinari · 27/05/2019 21:48

OP there are good reasons for your child to have both your names - heritage, identity, and logistics when travelling.

Your DH at least needs to put forward equally good reasons as to why his name is the only one that matters (tip: there aren’t any)

Timeless19 · 27/05/2019 21:50

Having separate surnames is all brilliant until you have a baby and can’t agree on which one to use, I speak from experience! I’m pretty laid back but there was no way on earth that my precious baby who I had grown and carried in my body and was breastfeeding all day and night was not going to take my last name!

Being a new mum bought out a ridiculous fierceness and I’m really glad I stood my ground as my DH and I disagreed immensely on this subject. I do all the childcare, doctors visits etc and we’ve had zero problems travelling. Having a daughter as well made it even more important to me that she had my last name. I see it as every day sexism that there continues to be an expectation that children take the mans surname as default.

BurpingFrog · 27/05/2019 21:57

@Sashadublin you’re not being unreasonable. There is also no reason why you have to concede to baby only going by your husband’s surname for everything except the birth certificate.

If both your surnames sound ok together, by far the fairest compromise is to use both for everything. That would be the case even if you weren’t the last in your family with your name.

It’s also very common. Many of the children I teach have both parents’ surnames. The fact that family are thinking it’s weird doesn’t mean it actually is!

I’m not sure of rules elsewhere but if you’re in the UK, as PP have said make sure you keep your marriage certificate somewhere safe as otherwise he could use it to register the birth without you or your baby being present.

Preggosaurus9 · 27/05/2019 22:03

What does his sister's opinions have to do with it? She's welcome to name her own baby whatever she wants. This baby however is fuck all to do with her. Stand your ground OP!

BurpingFrog · 27/05/2019 22:03

Also, is this a one-off thing or, on reflection, does your husband have form for unreasonable and controlling behaviour? Just stay on the alert.

TheRedBarrows · 27/05/2019 22:26
  1. Ask him why the hell he is listening to his sister, rather than the woman he married and the mother of the child in question! It is outrageous that he is building a family with you yet over rules you in favour of his family who are not co-parenting with him.
  2. Give the child both names and use both names, as agreed.
  3. Make sure you get the paperwork you need from the hospital and keep it secret and safe.
To other posters:
  1. To those whining ‘but you’re being as bad to say your name only’: the original agreement was both names. The ‘OP’s name only’ is only in response to the DH’s new found kow towing to his interfering and overbearing family.
  2. It doesn’t matter and is of no relevance what YOU feel about taking your DH’s name and the OP keeping hers: she made her own choice as she is entitled to do, and had a mutual
agreement with her DH that he had U turned on. That is what is relevant.
  1. A middle name is not the same. The first name and surname are what counts. If you think s middle name has the same status suggest to your DH’s that HIS name is middle. Tonight not.( in most cases).
TheRedBarrows · 27/05/2019 22:37

Keep hold if the card they give you at the hospital. I would tell the midwives /. reception to give it to you and you alone.

Heptapod · 27/05/2019 22:43

Of course you’re not being remotely unreasonable, OP. This is not up for negotiation. Tell him to stop behaving like a tomcat spraying his territory, and suggest his family butt out.

DS has both my and DH’s surnames, and neither of us has ever had the slightest trouble travelling with him.

minniecat2406 · 27/05/2019 22:45

My baby has my surname as a middle name and DP's surname.
Easy

Sproutsandall · 27/05/2019 22:47

Our child has both our surnames. It hasn’t been an issue so far, although she’s only four, tbh.

Fuck that shit, though. No way does your husband get to dictate what surname the child you have pushed out of your very own fanny will have. Hold the line, OP. We’re all behind you.

Sproutsandall · 27/05/2019 22:49

Oh, also, we travel a lot, separately and together. The baby having both our surnames has made things a lot easier in that regard.

Tavannach · 27/05/2019 22:52

What does his sister's opinions have to do with it? She's welcome to name her own baby whatever she wants. This baby however is fuck all to do with her. Stand your ground OP!

Agree.
Your name on the BC, no argument.

flumposie · 27/05/2019 22:54

I kept my surname when I got married to keep the name going. My daughter has the same surname as me. When she travels abroad with her dad with a different surname we photocopy her birth certificate and I write a note stating he has my permission to travel. Stick to your guns.

Walkamileinmyshoesbeforeujudge · 27/05/2019 22:56

Have a stay in pp. Registrar came to me on the ward to offer to register. Went into an office and did it.
Your name only op. Your relationship doesn't bode well if his dsis is his priority..

Whoops75 · 27/05/2019 22:56

My own name is very unique and I have kept it & love it but I didn’t give it to my kids. Why would they have their grandfathers name over their fathers?
They have my name as a baptismal name so it’s in there somewhere.

Worked for us

trixiebelden77 · 27/05/2019 23:03

They do have their grandfather’s name Whoops. Assuming that’s where your husband got his name from, just as you did.

Unless you think men who inherit their name from their father make it their own, but women who inherit their name from their father do not.

Which would be ludicrous.

TheRedBarrows · 27/05/2019 23:18

“My own name is very unique and I have kept it & love it but I didn’t give it to my kids. Why would they have their grandfathers name over their fathers? “

What? They wouldn’t have their grandfathers name, they would have yours Confused

Just as they now have their other grandfather ‘s name...or was that your DH’s?