Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want baby to have my surname too

230 replies

Sashadublin · 27/05/2019 17:49

I'm due my first baby mid- June. DH and I very excited. When we got married I kept my name, for a few reasons, including that I'm an only child with quite an unusual surname and it would effectively end with me if I didn't. No issue from DH at the time. We had discussed and agreed that baby would have both my and his surname. They work well together. Not going to hyphenate it, but have the two and when the child is older if she just wants to use DH's surname, that's fine. Realistically happy for my name to at least be on the child's birth cert, but school, everyday usage can just be DH's . However DH recently had conversation with his sister who said this was a terrible idea. If my name was in the baby's surname on the cert for ever more she would have to have both. Asked a solicitor who specialises in family law and he said that was absolute nonsense, and practical for passports etc.I told DH I would compromise and just have my name on the birth cert but for everything else the baby can go by his surname only. He said no there can't be any compromise, the baby simply can't have my surname as well as his on the birth cert; just his. I'm absolutely stunned. Their family has 3 sons, they already have 4 grandchildren with that surname. It's just me in my family. His family are very unhappy about my wish apparently. I just don't get it, I'm hardly demanding we only use my surname for the baby. Exhausted and surprised at my DH. He says it's just a name and I'm being silly

OP posts:
60secondfacetimer · 27/05/2019 18:30

All my three have my surname and my partner isn't bothered by this in the slightest. Stick to your original plan and if people stick their noses in simply say thank you for your opinion but we are doing it this way.

Xmas2020 · 27/05/2019 18:33

Nothing to do with anyone else but you and your DH. Nothing wrong with having Double Barrel Surnames either, your starting a whole new family name doing this. I think its lovely.

FizzyGreenWater · 27/05/2019 18:34

Well it looks as if the only option here is to refuse to have him at the birth, so he isn't present and doesn't know when the baby has been born, so that you can immediately do the registering in the hospital.

Either that or he learns the meaning of the words 'fair' and 'compromise'

But honestly after this little show of misogyny, I'd be thinking twice about having his name on there at all.

HermioneWeasley · 27/05/2019 18:35

Has he been a regressive, sexist, controlling dick before, or is that new since you got pregnant?

kiki22 · 27/05/2019 18:39

I never understand why some people get so caught up in what surname to give I don't think it matters that you are the last and ge has other siblings carrying on the name is a load of rubbish these days BUT if the only way is to have 1 name I'd say well fuck you the baby will have my name.

How dare they try to overrule the reasonable compromise you both were happy with. I would see it as a red flag for future issues and stamp it out now. Both or just yours end of story.

Fyi both my children have my partner's name only I have my own so its not a biased opinion

EileenAlanna · 27/05/2019 18:48

Tell your DH you & he already discussed it, agreed on what made you both happy & decided that that was what is happening, then tell his sister & the rest of his family that the day you have the brass neck to dictate what names go on their children's birth certificates is the day they can feel free to do the same & until then they can all mind their own f*cking business. Are you in Dublin? I'm Belfast born & bred & could have slightly different registering practices. If DH needs your marriage lines to register the birth by himself make sure you have it well hidden till you've registered it yourself.

ScreamScreamIceCream · 27/05/2019 18:48

@FizzyGreemWater loads of placed make you phone up to make an appointment now to register the birth so that isn't an option especially as either party of a married couple can register the birth.

OP double barrel or have one of your lastnames as the last middle name. If he registers the birth just go and re-register asap to add in the name.

bribery · 27/05/2019 18:51

Do NOT give in on this. Or it'll be the start of ongoing hell. This is a landmark moment as to whether you find out your DH is having a wobble (brought on by his delightful sounding family) or if he is one of a percentage of men that reveal their true abusive nature during their partners pregnancy (now that she's tied to him and unlikely to leave with ease).

Sound dramatic? I've been there! Hide your marriage certificate now so he can't overrule you in your absence. Honestly, both names is the only fair way...

timeisnotaline · 27/05/2019 18:51

If he doesn’t want to compromise then it would be only my name, and he could grow his own baby to give his name.

SunshineCake · 27/05/2019 18:54

Tell him it's the original plan or you will Regis term the baby alone and he or she will just have your name.

His family need telling it's non of their business Angry.

SunshineCake · 27/05/2019 18:55

FFS register the baby alone.

FizzyGreenWater · 27/05/2019 18:55

Oh yes you hide the marriage certificate as of today I'm afraid.

I'd be going fucking ballistic over this one - they say pick your battles - well the first time that your inlaws try to influence your DH to go against you on a highly personal issue that is NONE of their business and your DH looks as if he's decided to side with them and not you is exactly the battle to pick, and pick with gusto.

Nip this shit right now in the bud, up to and including telling him he won't even get to be at the birth if he doesn't wise up.

Chippychipsforme · 27/05/2019 18:59

What a dickhead. I don't know why some men get so territorial about this. You're offering a perfectly acceptable option.

We have different surnames, mine is used as a middle name but LO can use it when he's older.

Lamazedragon · 27/05/2019 18:59

I also wanted my kids to have my name as well as their dad's name so we used it as a second middle name, so first name, middle name, my name and then surname his name. Did the same for both children.

I am pleased I did and the kids now they are older like having the same name as both sides of the family and both parents. Insist. x

TriciaH87 · 27/05/2019 19:03

Tell your husband your name is going on as you will be registering said baby. His name can too or the baby can just have yours. See how he likes that. Then tell him he was fine with it before his sister put her nose in. I have an older child with only mine from past relationship. When had second with current partner I wanted him to have mine so had same but partner wanted his I said could double it. We did. After lots of arguing he did not want the - but I wanted it as my surname could also be seen as a middle name. I wanted schools to clearly know they are brothers. Partner walked out the registry office the first time but we ended up doubled with the - so I suggest you tell him he agreed to it before you were married and that's what your doing. If he can't even compromise on this I don't know how you will manage after a baby puts any relationship to the test.

Likeamobvie · 27/05/2019 19:06

There's a hundred threads on here by women asking how to change their child's surname for various reasons. The original way you agreed, or just your surname.

CruellaFeinberg · 27/05/2019 19:22

He said no there can't be any compromise, the baby simply can't have my surname as well as his on the birth cert; just his

So the baby will have your surname and if he wants his on there as well then ok, otherwise just yours

Karigan195 · 27/05/2019 19:24

Wind his neck in or just your name will be on the birth certificate? The days when women and children were the chatter of the man of the house have long gone.

PinkCrayon · 27/05/2019 19:27

I wish I had done what you want to do with my kids names. Although they would have had it on everything. Not just birth certificate.
Do not be bullied into doing something you dont want to do!

ItWentInMyEye · 27/05/2019 19:27

100% give baby your name too/only. I didn't give my eldest my last name and now his dad refuses to let me add it by deed poll.

MulticolourMophead · 27/05/2019 19:42

Don't mothers have the final say? Even if married?

In any case, OP, your name, and if you're feeling generous his can go on as well.

Original poster
Sashadublin · 27/05/2019 20:07

Thanks for the support ladies. Everyone was acting like I was being the unreasonable one, you almost start to think am I being crazy here?! I'm sticking to my guns. Don't want this interfering to set a precedent.

OP posts:
PaperFlowers4 · 27/05/2019 20:08

Tell him to fuck right off.

You’ve already discussed and agreed that the baby would have both your names. That’s the joint decision you made together. He can’t just change his mind now you’re almost due.

I’m furious on your behalf! I think it’s really poor of him to start kicking up a fuss now, when the baby’s almost here and you’re probably feeling quite anxious about the labour ahead and in a vulnerable state.

Please don’t give in. He needs to realise he can’t just bully you into agreeing, as that will set a bad precedent for the future of your relationship and parenthood.

FizzyGreenWater · 27/05/2019 20:12

If you're married, either of you can register.

If not, only you can.

I would check the rules around him going alone and what ID he needs and make sure that's not an option.

I wouldn't just stick to my guns either, I'd say that after this performance, you want your surname only. Then HE can negotiate and persuade you why his should bloody be on there at all!

eurochick · 27/05/2019 20:12

Stick to your guns. I'm in the same situation - only child, end of the line, never changed my own name. Our daughter has both names, double-barrelled. There was no way she was not having my name.

Swipe left for the next trending thread