Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want baby to have my surname too

230 replies

Sashadublin · 27/05/2019 17:49

I'm due my first baby mid- June. DH and I very excited. When we got married I kept my name, for a few reasons, including that I'm an only child with quite an unusual surname and it would effectively end with me if I didn't. No issue from DH at the time. We had discussed and agreed that baby would have both my and his surname. They work well together. Not going to hyphenate it, but have the two and when the child is older if she just wants to use DH's surname, that's fine. Realistically happy for my name to at least be on the child's birth cert, but school, everyday usage can just be DH's . However DH recently had conversation with his sister who said this was a terrible idea. If my name was in the baby's surname on the cert for ever more she would have to have both. Asked a solicitor who specialises in family law and he said that was absolute nonsense, and practical for passports etc.I told DH I would compromise and just have my name on the birth cert but for everything else the baby can go by his surname only. He said no there can't be any compromise, the baby simply can't have my surname as well as his on the birth cert; just his. I'm absolutely stunned. Their family has 3 sons, they already have 4 grandchildren with that surname. It's just me in my family. His family are very unhappy about my wish apparently. I just don't get it, I'm hardly demanding we only use my surname for the baby. Exhausted and surprised at my DH. He says it's just a name and I'm being silly

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 28/05/2019 10:10

Oh yes, those pesky “women’s names” they can’t wait to change. Grin

SoupDragon · 28/05/2019 10:12

The sly little digs at women who changed their name really piss me off. Grow up.

I did have a shitty birth surname which caused me no end of teasing throughout my life. Too bloody right I changed it.

Reenascreena · 28/05/2019 10:16

Soup, I likewise have a surname which caused me to be teased at school and which, in the UK, attracts an extra level of discrimination against people from my culture.

Did I change it to my husband's surname? Of course not. I got married in the 21st century.

BertrandRussell · 28/05/2019 10:18

“I did have a shitty birth surname which caused me no end of teasing throughout my life. Too bloody right I changed it.”
The point is- why did you wait until you got married to change it? Nothing wrong with changing your name if you want to. Everything wrong with the automatic assumption that women should do it on marriage.

SunshineCake · 28/05/2019 10:19

I was given my birth fathers surname even though he wasn't named on the birth certificate. I couldn't wait to get rid of it when I married my husband. I was teased at school about it but it was much more about the fact I didn't want the name of the man who hadn't given a shit about me all my life. I'd been happy to have his name until I realised what a shit father he was.

hiccupgate · 28/05/2019 10:23

Recently had this argument with DP. Baby ended up with my surname as a middle name.

EL8888 · 28/05/2019 10:25

People are often quite odd and old fashioned about names. Because they are then they think you have to be -you don’t! Surely it’s a compromise baby having both of your surnames anyway. Baby doesn’t have to have your DH surname. I have made clear to my partner the options if we have a baby are: 1) my surname-his surname, 2) his surname-my surname or 3) my surname. The third one was to be sarcastic as l don’t think his surname has a precedence over mine!

BertrandRussell · 28/05/2019 10:26

Here you go.Deed poll forms. Simple process. £36. Done.

EL8888 · 28/05/2019 10:27

Oh yeah and l wouldn’t care what anyone else thinks. It’s your and DH’s baby. It doesn’t matter what his family do or don’t think

HermioneMakepeace · 28/05/2019 10:28

Fight for this, OP. Names are important. Go for hyphenation and ignore anyone who says it’s naff.

YouBumder · 28/05/2019 10:30

Doesn’t it? What’s the reason for doing it then?

Does there have to be a reason? And if there is, it’s my reason and I haven’t been asked to explain it to anyone in 16 years of marriage so I ain’t starting now! I’m damn sure I’m no one’s property though!

NewAccount270219 · 28/05/2019 10:33

The sly little digs at women who changed their name really piss me off. Grow up.

I have no problem at all with what other women do with their names, but I do wish they'd be honest about it. 'I liked the idea of being Mrs Hisname', 'it's easier to do the most socially common thing', 'I wanted the approval of friends and family' - fine. It's all the women who insist that they had always loathed their names and saw marriage as a sole opportunity to change them that are a bit annoying because it's so disingenuous - you can change your name at any point. If you'd have lived with it forever if you'd happened to stay single then no, it wasn't 'nothing to do with patriarchy' and just because of your terrible name that you changed it upon marriage.

YouBumder · 28/05/2019 10:42

Why does it bother you NewAccount what grown women choose to do with their names and the reasons they give?

Bluestitch · 28/05/2019 10:47

The point is- why did you wait until you got married to change it?

I would never change my surname and my kids have my name only, but I do understand why some women who dislike their name would wait until marriage to change it. Taking your husband's name on marriage is still what most women do, and it's a 'socially acceptable' reason to change it. Changing your name just because you hate it might be hurtful to your family and a difficult thing to do from that perspective.

angieloumc · 28/05/2019 10:54

Your SIL wouldn't like me OP. My DD has my surname, which is my married name but my XH is not her dad. She has the same surname as me and her DB's.
People have commented on it many times, they felt they must. In particular my XH's current wife is outraged by it, even though he never was and DD was 8 by the time they met.

Reenascreena · 28/05/2019 11:01

Why does it bother you NewAccount what grown women choose to do with their names and the reasons they give?

I can't speak for NewAccount, obviously, but surely the reply 'because men don't take their wives' names and it perpetuates patriarchal structural inequalities' isn't that hard to understand?

LolaSmiles · 28/05/2019 11:01

The sly little digs at women who changed their name really piss me off. Grow up.
I agree. And also it even when people explore reasons it positions women as little sheep who just want to be liked and validated.

Feminism is meant to be about supporting women with their choices that are right for them. I was never going to change my name on marriage (even though I used to be regularly irritated spelling my surname). Then I changed my mind. I like having DH's name and to be honest I'd argue that our relationship is vastly more a marriage of equals than some of the threads we see on MN where women find it unbelievable that a man might just do 50% of the housework and childcare. What makes us equal in the relationship is our conduct day to day. I know many women who've taken the stand on keeping their own name in the name of feminism but spend half their time picking up after their man child.

Reenascreena · 28/05/2019 11:05

Feminism is meant to be about supporting women with their choices that are right for them.

No. Feminism aims to achieve full equality between the sexes, politically, economically, personally, and socially. It doesn't involve other women feeling compelled to rubberstamp someone's unthinkingly sexist choices.

BertrandRussell · 28/05/2019 11:07

“Feminism is meant to be about supporting women with their choices that are right for them. ”

No it isn’t. That’s friendship.
Feminism is about supporting women to make choices that are right for women.

frazzledasarock · 28/05/2019 11:08

Your H doesn’t sound terribly bright if he takes as gospel everything his sister says.

Divorced exes do not double barrel their child’s names, it takes a lot of time and effort getting courts to agree to a surname change of a child and is near impossible if one parent objects.

Hence all the posts on here of divorced mums asking how to change their child’s name as they get questioned every time they want to travel with their child.

Dungeondragon15 · 28/05/2019 11:15

I'd be livid with your DH and also his sister. How dare she interfere with something that has nothing to do with her. As for "it's just a name and you are being silly", I would tell him on no uncertain terms that if that is the case the baby will have your name and not his.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 28/05/2019 11:15

Tell your SIL that your dc May well end up with divorced parent if she doesn’t butt out if things that aren’t her business. She’s spouting tripe

As for your dh, he’s made an agreement and he can’t now go back on this without compromising and discussing it, he can’t simply lay down the law, this is your dc too!

Hide all paperwork he will need to register the birth until you’ve come to an agreement

MulticolourMophead · 28/05/2019 11:18

The sister's main objection to the use of 2 surnames was that she said it's a sign of divorced or separated parents, and so the child has subsequently been given both names.

She's a twat. I have a double barrelled name, all from my dad. I have my mother's name in the middle. My parents were very much together until she died last year in her own bed next to dad.

LolaSmiles · 28/05/2019 11:18

Feminism aims to achieve full equality between the sexes, politically, economically, personally, and socially. It doesn't involve other women feeling compelled to rubberstamp someone's unthinkingly sexist choices.
So what we get is the sort of feminism where some women decide what is best for women and then judge any woman who disagrees?
I changed my mind and picked DH's surname. DH didn't care either way. We split everything 50-50. When baby arrives he'll be taking 50% of the leave. But I took his name so that's sexist and hindering the cause.
Meanwhile, I know quite a few women who've held the 'feminism = me keeping my name which is really my dad's name but anyway' line. But they're the ones who've sacrificed their careers prior to marriage, are the ones doing the lion's share at home, they pick up after their man child.
And yet me taking DH's name is somehow pushing women politically and economically backwards?

It's like when some feminists decide that any woman choosing to stay at home couldn't possibly make a decision themselves so they deem it unfeminist, but it would be totally ok for a man to stay at home. (For what it's worth I think families should do what is right for them and neither party should disadvantage themselves without having appropriate legal protection)

Dungeondragon15 · 28/05/2019 11:18

I would find it difficult not to phone the SIL and have a few words with her about the fact that she has been talking crap and is interfering in something that is absolutely none of her business.