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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want baby to have my surname too

230 replies

Sashadublin · 27/05/2019 17:49

I'm due my first baby mid- June. DH and I very excited. When we got married I kept my name, for a few reasons, including that I'm an only child with quite an unusual surname and it would effectively end with me if I didn't. No issue from DH at the time. We had discussed and agreed that baby would have both my and his surname. They work well together. Not going to hyphenate it, but have the two and when the child is older if she just wants to use DH's surname, that's fine. Realistically happy for my name to at least be on the child's birth cert, but school, everyday usage can just be DH's . However DH recently had conversation with his sister who said this was a terrible idea. If my name was in the baby's surname on the cert for ever more she would have to have both. Asked a solicitor who specialises in family law and he said that was absolute nonsense, and practical for passports etc.I told DH I would compromise and just have my name on the birth cert but for everything else the baby can go by his surname only. He said no there can't be any compromise, the baby simply can't have my surname as well as his on the birth cert; just his. I'm absolutely stunned. Their family has 3 sons, they already have 4 grandchildren with that surname. It's just me in my family. His family are very unhappy about my wish apparently. I just don't get it, I'm hardly demanding we only use my surname for the baby. Exhausted and surprised at my DH. He says it's just a name and I'm being silly

OP posts:

PossiblyPFB · 27/05/2019 20:13

I know a few women with a different surname to their children who have trouble at customs when travelling, even when they aren’t in a divorce situation etc.

If you haven’t changed your name, having the child’s name match both yours and your husband’s (even if it’s a middle name) is hugely practical if either of you are travelling alone with your child.

For this reason alone, notwithstanding the other good reasons mentioned here, I’d absolutely insist on it!

WoWsers16 · 27/05/2019 20:17

Ok so I may be ok the minority however I don’t understand why you wouldn’t have his name (and have his name when you married). I feel some people are being rather harsh towards your husband.
However I think to have both your names is what needs to happen- like you originally planned before his family butted in. Stick to that and ignore his family xx hope you get it sorted x

SirNilsOlav · 27/05/2019 20:22

My parents put my dad's surname as another middle name and my mums surname as my only surname as they didn't want to hyphenate and didn't want the issue of explaining two surnames without a hyphen.

It's always worked absolutely fine and I repeated the pattern with my kids, though my name is middle as their names "matched" better with DWs. It has helped having it in there at the airport (esp as DW and I are both female and kept our own names) too.

Veterinari · 27/05/2019 20:23

Ok so I may be ok the minority however I don’t understand why you wouldn’t have his name (and have his name when you married). I feel some people are being rather harsh towards your husband.

Because the OP wants to keep her own name rather than be labelled as her husband’s property? Why on earth should she go to the bother of changing her name when she already has a perfectly nice one?

stucknoue · 27/05/2019 20:24

The only thing I would consider is the total number of characters - many forms only allow for a certain number and two surnames can make life hard. He is being ridiculous though this should probably have been properly agreed before marriage

WoWsers16 · 27/05/2019 20:27

It’s not being labelled as her husbands property- it’s taking his name because you’ve married him- old fashioned but it is my opinion which I believe in. Good original name or not.

Thedilemma111 · 27/05/2019 20:30

That IS ridiculous . Give your OH a prod !

I am married and didn’t change my surname .

Both my children have my surname as a middle name and my husbands surname as their surname . We didn’t hyphenate it all as a surname as it is a bloody mouthful and I didn’t want them to get teased at school 😂

This is the same on all of their legal documents .

They do go by there dads surname on an everyday basis but have my surname within their legal names.

Why SHOULD your surname die out just because your a woman ?

Whoever told you you can’t do that wrong . You gave birth to your child and have an equal right to decide how they should be named .

WhiteRedRose · 27/05/2019 20:32

Fun fact, OP. You register the birth :) Put what you like down. And if he's such a dick about it it'd be looking for a divorce as it's irrational and abusive, controlling behaviour.

GaraMedouar · 27/05/2019 20:36

I wasn’t married to partner but he was adamant DD should have his surname. He wouldn’t agree to double barrel as he said that sounded stupid. So - I gave DD my surname. He is now an ex P and I am glad DD has my name. Easier for travelling , medical appointments etc everyone assumes we have same name (though I’m always called Mrs , but I use Ms title). I would hate it if she was stuck with his surname (a father who doesn’t feel the need or duty to pay any maintenance- that would really annoy me).

Veterinari · 27/05/2019 20:42

It’s not being labelled as her husbands property- it’s taking his name because you’ve married him

And what do you think this ‘charming’ tradition is based on?

It is based on the fact that women became their husband’s property when married and their role was simply to be part of him, hence the disposal of the woman’s name.

Why do you consider the man’s name to be more important, and the woman’s identity simply disposable @WoWsers16 ?

NiceViper · 27/05/2019 20:43

Tell him that his DSis gets to name her babies, not yours.

And if he puts her wishes above yours, there will be hell to pay. Also tell him it is decision time for him - which family does he really want tombe close to going forward.

This is an utterly stupid row, as it's hard to fathom why he has become so entrenched, so quickly and on such an inaccurate and flimsy pretext

JassyRadlett · 27/05/2019 20:48

It’s not being labelled as her husbands property- it’s taking his name because you’ve married him- old fashioned but it is my opinion which I believe in. Good original name or not.

Well, yes, that’s exactly what the tradition was about. The marital equivalent of updating the V5C.

If you’re into it because of tradition and it’s what you always expected to do then that’s fine, good for you.

But wide-eyed protestations that you ‘don’t understand’ why a woman might not want to change her name just because she’s entered into a marriage of equals fail to convince, I’m afraid.

Can you explain why you think men and their names are more important than women and theirs?

WoWsers16 · 27/05/2019 20:50

It’s a tradition - it’s my opinion which surprisingly I am allowed to have. Personally I don’t understand why you’d bother getting married at all if you don’t believe in those traditions.

I have said I think they should stick with original plan. Don’t see the problem with that x

CruellaFeinberg · 27/05/2019 20:51

Tell him that his DSis gets to name her babies, not yours.
this exactly

WoWsers16 · 27/05/2019 20:53

It’s the joining of a family - I’m part of my family- when I married I took my married name as do my children. I love my maiden name- but I believe in tradition- which as I’ve said before I’m allowed- some don’t agree with this as much as I don’t agree with your POV.

Veterinari · 27/05/2019 20:57

Of course you’re allowed to have an opinion. I just wondered if you could explain it as I find it a bit sad that a woman would advocate for the erosion of another woman’s identity, and the removal of her own choice over her own name simply on the grounds of tradition

Personally I don’t understand why you’d bother getting married at all if you don’t believe in those traditions.

Umm because modern marriage is a legal contract that confers many medical, legal and financial protections and is not simply about becoming your husband’s property any longer

JassyRadlett · 27/05/2019 20:58

^
It’s a tradition - it’s my opinion which surprisingly I am allowed to have. Personally I don’t understand why you’d bother getting married at all if you don’t believe in those traditions.^

Well, first, English traditions aren’t universal.

And second, thankfully my reasons for wanting to be married are a little deeper than wanting to partake in some of the more sexist traditions surrounding the institution. I take my vows seriously. I don’t need to ditch my name or wear a white dress in front of a crowd to demonstrate that to my husband.

Now if you’ve finished dismissing other people’s marriages as not as good as your own, because we don’t buy into Anglocentric fripperies based in sexist history, you might reflect on this:

You’re allowed to have an opinion. That doesn’t mean you’re immune from other people questioning it. All opinions are not equally valid.

Manclife1 · 27/05/2019 21:02

Do the people here advocating not putting him on the BC even realise he could just go and register the birth himself without the OP? Rather than the bullshit extreme advice always fished out on MN the OP need to talk it through with her DH not the fucking bunch of lions who invariably swamp these kinda posts.

WoWsers16 · 27/05/2019 21:03

I’m still a person with opinions and my own identity- just because I’ve taken my husbands name does not mean I’ve wallowed into a deep pit never to do my own thing.
I feel many posters are being rather mean to the husband- yes he’s not gone about it well and shouldn’t have changed his opinion as I believe they had the right idea to have both - but sometimes on Mumsnet people are quick to use the words ‘bully’ ‘abuse’ etc.. and it just does my head in as in really life I bet half these would not do as what they suggest (I know some do-so this isn’t a ‘let’s reply saying I do’ ).
They need a good talk and if he doesn’t see his wife’s point of view then there’s obviously deep issues that his family control his opinion over hers- which is wrong. X

WoWsers16 · 27/05/2019 21:06

I’m not saying my marriage is better than anyone else’s at all- question my opinion that is fine- my opinion is as valid as anyone’s- and I stated my opinion.
As a PP has just said- extreme advice has overtaken the actually simple advice of just talking it through like adults x

JassyRadlett · 27/05/2019 21:13

‘I don’t know why you’d bother getting married at all’ if you don’t believe in changing your name to your husband’s is a fairly extreme piece of advice, yes.

As I said, if this is something you want to do, knock yourself out. But undermining others’ marriages as ‘I don’t know why you bothered’ is bonkers and rude - you’ve been called out on that. I’m sorry if you find it uncomfortable.

We agree on what OP should do.

Veterinari · 27/05/2019 21:13

I’m still a person with opinions and my own identity- just because I’ve taken my husbands name does not mean I’ve wallowed into a deep pit never to do my own thing

Yes and the OP is a different person with different opinions and she wants to keep her own name. Criticising her for doing so and blaming her for husband’s bullying ultimatum (how else would you describe it?) because she dared to want to keep her own identity and share a name with her own child, is pretty unpleasant too imo. If you read the OP properly you’ll se that they have talked:
He said no there can't be any compromise, the baby simply can't have my surname as well as his on the birth cert; just his.
And yet you still think the lying, backtracking, uncompromising husband is the one that deserves sympathy??!?!

TheFaerieQueene · 27/05/2019 21:14

Give both surnames, but your surname last!

SignOnTheWindow · 27/05/2019 21:15

My children have my surname but their father's surname is in there as a middle name.

QueenofPain · 27/05/2019 21:17

What a prick!

How about not putting the dad or his stupid name on the birth certificate?

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