Aibu ...to not know what to do..adult dd and bf

[Feelingwalkedover]

So dd 23 has a bf 27 2 years together,one year living Together in their flat..moved in with us to save up for a mortgage.been living in our house rent free for a year .huge upheaval to fit them in .we have lost a fair bit of living space .they have a whole floor in the converted loft.it wasn’t a big house to start with.
Dd is saving lots ,has good job .very well paid indeed.bf had a job when he moved in.. 11 weeks ago he packed his job in.he games all day and most of the night.she won’t hear a word against him.hes applied for one job in 11 weeks.

He’s lovely ,I really like him.
But the lack of job has now become the elephant in the room.dd gets upset with me when I mention it.
If I make a huge fuss they will both move out ,and she will be paying 100% for all the rent and bills.at least as they are here she is saving.
I’ve 2 boys.
He’s setting such a bad example to them that it’s ok to not work and game all night and day.
I’d never of let him move in if I thought for a second this would happen 😢

Let them move out. It probably won’t take too long of her paying 100% of everything for her to get fed up too. At the moment it’s you subsiding another, unrelated adult who could work but doesn’t. If she’s that keen to defend him let her subsidise him for a bit. I bet she will either get way more motivated to encourage him to get a job or she’ll ditch him for sponging off her. Either way it’s not your job to pay for her adult boyfriend.

Urgh no way. Let them move out. Set them/him a ‘back to work’ deadline if you like. But the only reason he can not work right now is because you are essentially financially supporting him. And that’s not ok. He’s not your child and he’s a grown up!

Let them move out. Your dd will see for herself the pressure that comes with having a partner who doesnt contribute.

It’s her choice if she wants to subsidise him, it’s yours not to.

It doesn’t need to be dramatic.

‘DD - I’m sorry but I’m not willing to support an adult man who isn’t working and making no effort to. He needs to either find a job in the next month or he’ll need to move out. Whilst we’re talking about this, I want you to think about whether YOU want to support him indefinitely. This is very early on in your relationship - imagine this situation with children and a mortgage involved. Anyway - this is entirely your decision but I’m not supporting him past x.’

Tell them you’ll start charging rent in 4 weeks time. If they don’t like it they can leave and fend for themselves, sometimes people only learn by making their own mistakes. If they start paying the rent put it to one side and they give it as a gift when they move out.

he games all day and most of the night Sorry, what on earth does this mean?

I'd stop mentioning it to your dd. She's not taking it well because she's knows the problem already and can't do anything about it, talking to her will just make her feel worse.

Go and tell him while your dd isn't out at work that he won't be welcome to stay if he's not working, saying all the reasons you said here. You don't have to make a huge fuss, just a kind but firm conversation.

Gaming .xbox

Kick them both out, more fool her of she wants to fund him 100%. Why should you subsidies his lazy ass

What you 'signed up for' was making sacrifices (along with the two of them, in the form of working and saving) in order to support their transition to independent adulthood. That was really generous of you. Now, he's opted out of his part of the deal. If your daughter is happy to put up with that then that's her prerogative, but it's not fair to expect you to as well.

I really like what @Merryoldgoat suggested. Such good boundaries but very kind, and modelling self respect to your daughter.

He’s complained to her I’m having a go at him...I’m honestly not about not having a job.so she’s asked me to stop mentioning it to him

Let them move out. Your dd will see for herself the pressure that comes with having a partner who doesnt contribute

Best lesson ever.

It’s her subsidising him, so don’t let it stress you out, I subsidised a partner who worked on a very freelance basis due to the career he chose, he was outearning me after about a year, just because someone is unemployed doesn’t mean that will always be the case.

OP you Continue to have a go at him.. THAT is your right being it's your home.

I subsidised a partner who worked on a very freelance basis due to the career he chose

was he a Gamer too ?

Gaming .xbox Right, he plays games all day then? I’ve never seen or heard the word ‘games’ used as a verb, so was very confused. That’s not a good situation then, sorry to hear that.

@BumbleBeee69 as a hobby yes, but not as a job

tell her you're not having a lazy shit who refuses to work under your roof. he fucks off tomorrow while your dd can stay. can he go to his mum.

The worst of it is
Dd is going aboard for 4 months .hes going to be here

soshe’s asked me to stop mentioning it to him

Remind her that it's your house and you are in charge of it.

Better tell them to move out ASAP in that case.

I’m so fucking wet I can’t find the words / don’t want to rock the boat / don’t want an atmosphere/ feel bad /

dd is going aboard for 4 months .hes going to be here

NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wouldn't be happy either with the situation now. Was good of you to let them stay when you thought they were saving for a mortgage. He's taking the piss.

I'd keep on at him and tell her your not happy about it again. If they want to move out let them and good luck to her!

Start telling him about jobs you've seen or agencies that take on temps etc. How can he claim to be annoyed, he's not even looking for a job so you've every right to be in at him! He sounds like a man child, hope your daughter sees sense soon.

Well that's obviously where your dd gets it from then