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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu ...to not know what to do..adult dd and bf

232 replies

Feelingwalkedover · 27/05/2019 16:11

So dd 23 has a bf 27 2 years together,one year living Together in their flat..moved in with us to save up for a mortgage.been living in our house rent free for a year .huge upheaval to fit them in .we have lost a fair bit of living space .they have a whole floor in the converted loft.it wasn’t a big house to start with.
Dd is saving lots ,has good job .very well paid indeed.bf had a job when he moved in.. 11 weeks ago he packed his job in.he games all day and most of the night.she won’t hear a word against him.hes applied for one job in 11 weeks.

He’s lovely ,I really like him.
But the lack of job has now become the elephant in the room.dd gets upset with me when I mention it.
If I make a huge fuss they will both move out ,and she will be paying 100% for all the rent and bills.at least as they are here she is saving.
I’ve 2 boys.
He’s setting such a bad example to them that it’s ok to not work and game all night and day.
I’d never of let him move in if I thought for a second this would happen 😢

OP posts:
Dontthinkofthegame · 27/05/2019 19:19

I understand your DD is an adult but this is not a good lesson you are teaching her!

Maybe show her that it’s ok to say ‘no, you’re a cocklodger and I can do better’ kick his lazy, scrounging arse out.

I wonder if your DD maybe feels a bit trapped? Like she has to see this relationship through even if she is unhappy? Getting rid of him gives her an out if she ever needs it (if she wanted to split she would have her home back with you without him there)
Maybe he plays on her feelings, he has nobody and nowhere else etc etc. Pushing their hand will ultimately make things easier for your DD and at least give her a way out if she ever needs it.

FizzyGreenWater · 27/05/2019 19:24

'DD - I’m sorry but I’m not willing to support an adult man who isn’t working and making no effort to. He needs to either find a job in the next month or he’ll need to move out. Whilst we’re talking about this, I want you to think about whether YOU want to support him indefinitely. This is very early on in your relationship - imagine this situation with children and a mortgage involved. Anyway - this is entirely your decision but I’m not supporting him past x. In the meantime, I am also no longer willing to put up with another adult in the house who basically sits and plays games all day. It's an example of laziness and inappropriate behaviour that I am not having modelled to the children in this house. From now on, until he gets a job, I expect him to get up with the other adults in the house at a sensible hour, and go out - preferably to job hunt. If he actually isn't an adult but is still a teenager, then he needs to go back to his own childhood bedroom and game there.'

Add that in.

Redshoeblueshoe · 27/05/2019 19:33

I don't know why everyone is saying give him 4 weeks, he's had 11 already.
Let his parents support him

waterrat · 27/05/2019 19:34

Its not kind in any way to let this continue. They both need to grow up and I include your daughter in this.

You are not doing her any favours by letting him take the piss in this way. He is being incredibly disrespectful.

Please help your daughter how being an adult works - explain that you are not going to let them stay unless he pays his way.

If you were not subsidising her she would be a lot less tolerant of it.

Good luck op

AquaUnderAqua7 · 27/05/2019 19:35

He is making you feel uncomfortable in your own home

You will not tolerate an unemployed, non job seeking adult in your home alone, while your DD is away

They leave before she goes away

Where is his respect for your generosity ?

You need to get tough

littlemeitslyn · 27/05/2019 19:41

Pay rent or leave !

SavingSpaces2019 · 27/05/2019 19:54

But he’s such a nice person ,and always tells me he’s looking for work when I ask
No - he's not a nice guy. He's a guy who knows how to turn on the charm to hoodwink women.
He's got your dd wrapped around his finger - and he's doing the same to you.

He's only been with your dd 2 years - so that's not 'a long time' in the big scheme of things.
They only spent 1 year living independently before moving in with you and living rent free.
Your dd moved very quickly making financial commitments with someone she's only been going out with for a year.
He jacked in his job leaving your dd to save up alone and also pay all his living expenses.

Sounds to me like your dd is either inexperienced, naive or just plain immature to be putting up with this.
Neither of them have the right to tell you that you can't set boundaries in your own home.

I’m so fucking wet I can’t find the words / don’t want to rock the boat / don’t want an atmosphere/ feel bad /
Well you need to get your big girl pants on and deal with it.
Your dd is taking her cue from you and avoiding any difficult/distasteful conversations -to her own detriment.

i'd make sure he was out of your house by the time she goes abroad.
he can doss about in his own parents house.

Perhaps I’m being unreasonable rushing him,maybe I need to give him longer to sort it out

SavingSpaces2019 · 27/05/2019 19:58

littlemeitslyn
Let's not forget the utilities, council tax, food, cost of house insurance that no doubt covers the bf's belongings too whilst he's there.
The biggest piss take is that he was only going out with OP's dd one year before he moved into her parent's house and started taking the piss out of both his gf and her family.
He has absolutely no shame!

Waveysnail · 27/05/2019 19:59

They could easily get an room on a shared house and still save (then dd can leave him there to fend for himself)

BlondeBumshelll · 27/05/2019 20:57

The most worrying thing for me is your young sons seeing this as a way of life and wanting to do the same. You need to put a stop to it soon.

BumbleBeee69 · 27/05/2019 22:47

what did you do OP Flowers

AquaUnderAqua7 · 28/05/2019 03:30

You were too generous
Free rent
Free bills
No chores
You should have charged something, even if you gave it back to them when they left. Minus some of your expenses
What's missing are some life lessons

Happynow001 · 28/05/2019 07:09

I’m so fucking wet I can’t find the words / don’t want to rock the boat / don’t want an atmosphere/ feel bad /
Then write down what you want to say, rehearse it in your head and tell them both together - SOON! Honestly OP you aren't doing anyone any favours here. Not you, nor your daughter, other children, your DH/DP(?) nor your daughter's lazy, entitled (even if "nice") boyfriend. Gird your loins and get it done. This is a terrible example to your other children.

I feel sad my kindness has put me in such a anxiety inducing situation.its not fair.
No it's absolutely not. But you behaving passively and doing nothing constructive to change the situation doesn't help the situation either.

Wow ..some harsh responses..
Maybe but honest and clear sighted too. Hand wringing simply won't work in this situation. You really need to get your message across - in a clear and calm manner - but you know nothing will change otherwise. Give him a week to find somewhere else - and don't allow yourself to be emotionally blackmailed into any time extensions.

Strength to you OP. 🌺

eddielizzard · 28/05/2019 07:59

Why did he quit?

You inadvertently have a cocklodger. I think i'd be sitting them both down and saying this has got to stop. For one thing the constant gaming ends, and he starts doing work around the house. Bare minimum. Gaming restricted to just a few hours.

Isatis · 28/05/2019 08:04

He’s complained to her I’m having a go at him

So, he has three potential responses to that problem:

  1. Live somewhere else so you can't have a go at him.
  2. Get a job so you have nothing to have a go about.
  3. Moan to his girlfriend.

I hope you pointed out to your DD that the only acceptable responses are 1 and 2?

Seriously, with your daughter going away there is even less reason for you to be housing this idiot.

TheCakeCrusader · 28/05/2019 08:11

I think that there are enough responses on this thread now that say enough is enough!

What are you going to do now OP? The longer the procrastination over whether he is a ‘nice’ person, the harder it will be for you to stop enabling him. For your daughter’s sake, set an example to her to say that ‘cocklodging’ is not acceptable!

Give notice now

Gruzinkerbell1 · 28/05/2019 08:12

Get him out. Immediately.

What a giant waste of space.

givemesteel · 28/05/2019 08:55

OP you are doing the right thing for your daughter's sake.

When I was very young, I also had a bf who was a waste of space, my parents treated him like a son in law that I had actually married and made so many concessions for his cocklodger ways. In the end I got shot of him but it was actually harder because he'd weaved his way into my family.

He's not your sil and hopefully never will be. You definitely need rid of him by the time she goes away and when she returns the situation has to change, fair enough if you're happy for her to live with you rent free but he needs to find his own place and not ever move back in (and be aware of him getting his own place but then spending all his time at yours, make sure you mae it clear that's not acceptable).

ThePerturbedPenguin · 28/05/2019 11:59

Jeez get rid. You’re not doing either of them any favours for the future

ToftyAC · 28/05/2019 17:31

This is your house. They play by your rules, especially as they are living rent free. I know it’s not nice, but you need to sit them both down and tell them you are not supporting him being a workshy waster. That was not the deal you made. You tell them you’ve bent over backwards to accommodate them because she is your DD and you love her, but at the same time you’ll not have him take the piss out of all of you. Good luck x

Lemonsqueasy · 28/05/2019 17:42

@mimsy123
to game = to play video games
to play games = much more broad

language is always evolving, don't be precious

Rezie · 28/05/2019 17:45

You know he has applied only for one job, but he claims to be doing it all the time?

My main issue would be the lack of effort. Where I'm from its hard to find a job. So at least in here it is not a personal choise. Obviously him quitting dpeends on circumstances if it was a good idea or not. While not having a job he should be applying daily. Instead of gaming he should be doing a lot of the housework to pay his "rent" (and Dd should also help him out). Him not doing anything is not an option.

That being said, someone asking about job hunt feels terrible. I'd suggest you give them house rules. So either the adults living in the property need to have a job, if they don't then they have to do xyz or prove that they are applying . If these don't happen then they can find an alternative place. If she has to pay 100% of the rent then that is their decision as a couple and she has to decide if she is ok with this.

timeisnotaline · 28/05/2019 17:52

Christ no get him out. It will be much easier for it to fizzle out if he isn’t lodged in your dds only living option! If he’s somewhere else she can come home to you and end it without feeling like she’s making him homeless at the same time!

imsoootired · 28/05/2019 17:54

Oh Lordy ..

I moved out when I was 19 let feckless boyfriend move in . He was v similar after about 3 months of us living together. Claimed he was out finding work interviews etc ...
I worked within walking distance of work and walked home one break time .. there he wa playing xbox on the sofa smoking with a load of his collage friends , he was supposed to be doing a course as well 😂😂🤦‍♀️.

He said wa a one off etc ...so for next two weeks did the same but looked through window down side passage ... guess what the same ...

He would never change so cut my losses nd one night when was out I packed for him and changed locks...

sunshine11 · 28/05/2019 17:54

Shameless place marking

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