Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu ...to not know what to do..adult dd and bf

232 replies

Feelingwalkedover · 27/05/2019 16:11

So dd 23 has a bf 27 2 years together,one year living Together in their flat..moved in with us to save up for a mortgage.been living in our house rent free for a year .huge upheaval to fit them in .we have lost a fair bit of living space .they have a whole floor in the converted loft.it wasn’t a big house to start with.
Dd is saving lots ,has good job .very well paid indeed.bf had a job when he moved in.. 11 weeks ago he packed his job in.he games all day and most of the night.she won’t hear a word against him.hes applied for one job in 11 weeks.

He’s lovely ,I really like him.
But the lack of job has now become the elephant in the room.dd gets upset with me when I mention it.
If I make a huge fuss they will both move out ,and she will be paying 100% for all the rent and bills.at least as they are here she is saving.
I’ve 2 boys.
He’s setting such a bad example to them that it’s ok to not work and game all night and day.
I’d never of let him move in if I thought for a second this would happen 😢

OP posts:
Original poster
Feelingwalkedover · 27/05/2019 17:08

Obviously I’ve had to change some details so not to be identified.
Dd will be coming home very regularly during the 4 months ..
I suppose I thought it would fizzle out as they are not well matched .

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 27/05/2019 17:10

I thought that with my sister but they’re still together 20 years later.

NauseousMum · 27/05/2019 17:10

He's a user.

Perhaps you being firm.will kick your dd up the arse too.

Think how much Wi-Fi and electricity he is gobbling!

slashlover · 27/05/2019 17:10

I'm assuming he has no money coming at all? I've just got a new job after a few months of applying and I had to go to regular UC meetings and fill in my online account with everything I had been doing to find work.

Redshoeblueshoe · 27/05/2019 17:11

Tell them now. Then it's over and done with.
So she'll be upset.
And ?

Original poster
Feelingwalkedover · 27/05/2019 17:11

I do appreciate all the advice .dd is in a very assertive job ,working her way up dealing with cretins daily .ive just hoped I wouldn’t have to intervene.
Clearly I can see I will have to

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 27/05/2019 17:18

I suppose I thought it would fizzle out as they are not well matched

So you were hoping he would leave the home, where all his home comforts are paid for by his Girlfriend and Mother, whilst he lounges around all day playing online games.

Not a chance in hell he's leaving. Why would he leave to somewhere where he'd need to pay for everything AND find a job right now. At yours he has the world and it's money at his feet, and he butters you up OP telling you what you want to hear to pacify you.. he's landed on his feet alright Hmm

Nicolastuffedone · 27/05/2019 17:18

Where do you stay OP? I’ll come round and do it for you. I couldn’t and wouldn’t put up with him.

theOtherPamAyres · 27/05/2019 17:19

If he didn't have the security of your home and a girlfriend to bring home the bacon, then I bet that he would have got a job by now.

It must be heart-breaking to be shown such disrespect after your sacrifice. It must make you worry about your daughter's future with a man-child - no amount of charm will make up for his sense of entitlement. It is unacceptable that your two sons are being given an example of someone who does not share your values about work and self-reliance. The idea that he is helping to save up for a deposit is a nonsense.

You've seen through him and he doesn't like it - that's why he tells your daughter to get you to back off. A decent man would do everything in his power to repay you for your kindness and not taking the piss. He has to go.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 27/05/2019 17:23

This should be a huge red flag for your dd - a workshy BF who won't pull his weight.
You are doing neither of them any favours at all by enabling him.
Make a deadline for getting a job and contributing - or else move out and see what it's like in the real world.

Original poster
Feelingwalkedover · 27/05/2019 17:25

Wow ..some harsh responses..
I hadn’t looked at it like that ( last few responses )
I just saw him as another member of the family .both Christmases and birthdays I spent the same on him as my kids ..I’ve just been trying to be fair

OP posts:
Inertia · 27/05/2019 17:28

Pamayres has it- he knows you've rumbled him, he knows that he can't rock the boat with you because he'll lose the cushy number he's got, so he's getting your daughter to do his moaning for him.

DD moving out is the perfect opportunity to say that they both need to go - can they use his parents home as a base while they save?

Before your duaghter buys with this man, she should look into methods of protecting her deposit.

Rocketgirl1 · 27/05/2019 17:28

Don’t say you do his washing and cook all his meals for him too.

Troels · 27/05/2019 17:29

I agree with this, send it to her in a text, so she can't twist what you say and if she tries tell her to re read it.

'DD - I’m sorry but I’m not willing to support an adult man who isn’t working and making no effort to. He needs to either find a job in the next month or he’ll need to move out. Whilst we’re talking about this, I want you to think about whether YOU want to support him indefinitely. This is very early on in your relationship - imagine this situation with children and a mortgage involved. Anyway - this is entirely your decision but I’m not supporting him past x.'

Gth1234 · 27/05/2019 17:30

There isn't a lot you can do. You have to let her make her own mistakes, unfortunately.

I think it's reasonable to ask them to vacate their free accommodation, though.

AquaUnderAqua7 · 27/05/2019 17:30

The deal that you agreed was work to save up deposit to buy a property & they stay rent free (do they contribute to bills & food)

This deal is now off the table, because he is not working

You are not subsidising a young, healthy man who should be working

I didn't have the luxury of living free with parents. I rented rooms in shared houses or cheap bedsits & worked multiple jobs to save up !

It is your house, so your rules
Give them a deadline to move out

Lazy, entitled,

Itcantbesundayalready · 27/05/2019 17:31

You may be trying to be fair but he's not. He is taking up a whole floor in your house for free to sit and play games all day. You are facilitating this and allowing it to be an acceptable way to live.
At the moment your daughter is saving a deposit, her boyfriend is not. If they buy a house together then much of it will be from your daughters money - do you think that is fair?
The stress it is causing you, is that fair?
The money it is costing you - is that fair?
Allowing him to live at yours for free while your daughter isn't even there? How on earth is that fair?

Nanny0gg · 27/05/2019 17:32

I just saw him as another member of the family .both Christmases and birthdays I spent the same on him as my kids ..I’ve just been trying to be fair

I love both my SiLs and my DiL. I do not treat them exactly the same as my children. So I don't spend as much. I'm generous, but not to that extent!

Dieu · 27/05/2019 17:35

Your daughter is having too much of a say in everything. It's your house, and tough luck really, if she doesn't like his unemployment being mentioned. I would ask him to move back home until he finds a job. If your daughter wants to move out to be with him, that's fine, but I'd make it clear that she - and she alone - is welcome to stay.

AquaUnderAqua7 · 27/05/2019 17:35

If you are in UK he should be claiming universal credit. It's approx £73 a week & he will need to attend the job centre once a week & prove that he is job searching. If he claims, the stamp goes towards his state pension & other things
Why can't he do chores round house/garden for you ?

Dieu · 27/05/2019 17:35

And I certainly wouldn't be allowing him to stay in playing video games all day.

LittleCandle · 27/05/2019 17:36

DD1 was in a similar situation, although living away from home. He packed in his job to move in with her and then he 'couldn't get' a job. He did fuck all, except change the baby's nappy (oh yes, an unplanned baby) and feed it from 9 months. DD1 worked full time, shopped, came home, cooked, did the housework, spent time with the baby and through it all told me it was fine, she didn't mind. Then he left her and he immediately got a job. He was just a cocklodger and thankfully, she realises now that both she and her child are better off without him.

viques · 27/05/2019 17:39

Agree the rent free/save for a deposit deal is off the table.

fortunately [there is always a silver lining!] they have been saving hard so will have enough to pay for a deposit on a rented flat . Job done. Out they go. Either your DD will push him into getting another job or will realise he is a deadweight.

Mrspiggy456 · 27/05/2019 17:41

Can I just say, I don't think you're being 'wet'
I would find it difficult to bring this up too, especially if he is a nice guy. It's easy to dislike someone, and say how you really feel, if they're an arsehole!
Is he taking the piss or is there an underlying reason as to why he's not working? Is it pure laziness or has something happened? Does he help out at all? If he was home all day and was helping to cook and clean etc then it wouldn't be all bad.

cuppycakey · 27/05/2019 17:42

Dd is going aboard for 4 months .hes going to be here

Fuck that shit. She's got herself a cocklodger and it's at your expense!

Give them two weeks notice. He will find himself another mug to prop up his "lifestyle" and you will have done your DD a huge favour in the long run.