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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu ...to not know what to do..adult dd and bf

232 replies

Feelingwalkedover · 27/05/2019 16:11

So dd 23 has a bf 27 2 years together,one year living Together in their flat..moved in with us to save up for a mortgage.been living in our house rent free for a year .huge upheaval to fit them in .we have lost a fair bit of living space .they have a whole floor in the converted loft.it wasn’t a big house to start with.
Dd is saving lots ,has good job .very well paid indeed.bf had a job when he moved in.. 11 weeks ago he packed his job in.he games all day and most of the night.she won’t hear a word against him.hes applied for one job in 11 weeks.

He’s lovely ,I really like him.
But the lack of job has now become the elephant in the room.dd gets upset with me when I mention it.
If I make a huge fuss they will both move out ,and she will be paying 100% for all the rent and bills.at least as they are here she is saving.
I’ve 2 boys.
He’s setting such a bad example to them that it’s ok to not work and game all night and day.
I’d never of let him move in if I thought for a second this would happen 😢

OP posts:
Yabbers · 27/05/2019 16:55

I’m so fucking wet I can’t find the words
Maybe you need to be setting a better example for your kids?

coconutpie · 27/05/2019 16:56

Hold on, so this guy who is not contributing at all and just games all day plans to stay in your home for 4 months while your DD is abroad? Tell them now that this is not going to happen. Tell him to move out, otherwise he will still be gaming and leeching off you until DD gets back. How do they even think this is ok?!

Raffy2019 · 27/05/2019 16:56

This so called adult/man is taking you gor a ride. Can't he or your daughter see he's completely taking the piss??

serensiren · 27/05/2019 16:56

@Rosemary7391

Well isn't that just lovely. Slightly different to what OP says the bf is doing so other than a stealth boast, I don't get what your point.

SpinachnRicotta · 27/05/2019 16:57

I totally know what you mean - it's very easy for us to see straightforward solutions when we have zero emotional involvement! Hopefully you can digest everything that's been said and come up with something that actually works for you!

TatianaLarina · 27/05/2019 16:57

OP, practice phrases like:

“This situation isn’t working for me any more”. And repeat until they get the message.

Goldmandra · 27/05/2019 16:57

I would ask questions, rather than expressing opinions or asking him to do things.

How is the job-hunting going?

How many did you apply for this week?

I'm going to the post box, do you have any application forms to go?

So, when you move into your own place, are you happy to support him long term?

How does he feel about not having a job?

Does he feel guilty allowing everyone else to work while he games?

Will he be happy for you to continue working to support both of you after you move out?

Could he claim jobseekers allowance?

Just keep going, especially with the questions that make her think about his priorities.

Not hearing a word said against him doesn't mean she won't be thinking about it after the conversation has ended.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 27/05/2019 16:58

What does he do? Are jobs in his line of work hard to come by?

FWIW I live in a grim northern town and my DD, who is home from uni, popped in a temp agency this week and was offered a month’s office work straight off the bat.

I think your point about it being a bad example to your sons is very relevant. Even if he has something amazing in the pipeline for 6 months time, he needs to be pulling his weight now.

NailsNeedDoing · 27/05/2019 16:58

This situation is madness! The more you post the worse it gets.

You have to find the courage to stick up for yourself and your two youngest children. Even your dd is disrespecting you if she thinks it's ok to tell you she's saving to move out, then go off travelling for four months while leaving her dosser of a boyfriend in your house.

You were right in your first post, this is a terrible example for your boys, and you need them not to see this as a normal situation. Focus on that before you tell the boyfriend he has to go.

whatthehe11 · 27/05/2019 16:58

He isn't a nice person OP. Despite what you're doing for him (and your daughter), he has not only demonstrated he has no shame and is sponging offyou, but also that he has the audacity to complain about you to your daughter who has told you to back off! He needs a sharp boot in the behind out of tour house. Seriously he has no respect for your either your daughter or you. Like others have said, she will see the light far quicker once it is really impacting on her financially - you will be doing her a favour letting her figure this out now if they rent rather than after they have bought a house together.

TatianaLarina · 27/05/2019 16:58

No don’t ask any questions - they will simply claim you’re nagging/prying.

Just ask politely to find alternative accommodation and the setup isn’t working for you any more.

Raffy2019 · 27/05/2019 16:59

AND DO NOT LET HIM STAY IN YOUR HOUSE, RENT-FREE, WHILST YOUR DAUGHTER IS GONE FOR 4 MONTHS!!!

Rocketgirl1 · 27/05/2019 16:59

Is he making any contribution to the bills and food?

OliviaBenson · 27/05/2019 17:00

Turn off the WiFi to start with during the day....

Rocketgirl1 · 27/05/2019 17:01

Oh yes he’ll soon move out if there’s no wi-fi day and night.

1moremum · 27/05/2019 17:02

Dd is going aboard for 4 months .hes going to be here

Nope. Nope. Nope.

He can move in with his parents.

He can take his game console and go along with Dd and game there all day.

He can move anywhere else.
But he can't stay with you, indefinitely, while not working.

Unless he wants to take on a whole bunch of housekeeping and child minding with no pay, to earn his place in your house. Without her, he is nobody you own anything to. even if they were married (yeah, I know, married isn't required nowadays, but nevertheless, in my mind, it brings with it familial commitments that just living together does not.)

Or Unless she wants to pay rent for him out of her pocket. much like them both moving out, she'll suddenly notice he is a freeloader if it actually makes a financial difference to her.

Pigachu · 27/05/2019 17:03

Perhaps they should free load at his parents for a change...

Merryoldgoat · 27/05/2019 17:03

Just as an aside - about 2/3 weeks after moving in together I left my job without one to go to because of horrific conditions. We’d been together a year and literally just moved in.

It was NOT a good move financially but it was utterly necessary for my mental health.

Anyway. I applied for jobs every day, got some decent temp jobs and had a permanent well-paid job within 2 months. I did have to ask my BF (now DH) to pay my share of the bills but I paid all of my rent and there wouldn’t been no doubt by anyone that I was working hard to find a job.

This guy is taking the piss.

If your daughter is stupid enough to put up with it that’s her issue, and you shouldn’t make it yours.

1CantPickAName · 27/05/2019 17:04

When is your daughter going away?

AryaStarkWolf · 27/05/2019 17:06

Yeah the example it's setting to your own boys is bad, that would worry me alot, along with the fact he's taking the piss out of you and your DD. I have to echo what others say though, unfortunately you can't control what your DD does but you have to do what's right for you and your other kids and get him out

Figure8 · 27/05/2019 17:06

Yes ♤

Ariela · 27/05/2019 17:07

I'd send him home to HIS mummy and daddy while your daughter is away.

Figure8 · 27/05/2019 17:07

Ooh, I was "yesing" the turning off of the WiFi

Tistheseason17 · 27/05/2019 17:07

Good luck!

bridgetreilly · 27/05/2019 17:07

You're not asking her to break up with him. You're asking them (and especially him) to take responsibility for their own lives as adults.

How soon is she going abroad? I would be inclined to make that the deadline, tbh. She can leave her things at yours, but they won't be living there while she's away, or when she returns. You don't even have to mention the job, just say that while you've been glad to help, it's not going to work out for the rest of the family to continue like this any longer.

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