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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu ...to not know what to do..adult dd and bf

232 replies

Feelingwalkedover · 27/05/2019 16:11

So dd 23 has a bf 27 2 years together,one year living Together in their flat..moved in with us to save up for a mortgage.been living in our house rent free for a year .huge upheaval to fit them in .we have lost a fair bit of living space .they have a whole floor in the converted loft.it wasn’t a big house to start with.
Dd is saving lots ,has good job .very well paid indeed.bf had a job when he moved in.. 11 weeks ago he packed his job in.he games all day and most of the night.she won’t hear a word against him.hes applied for one job in 11 weeks.

He’s lovely ,I really like him.
But the lack of job has now become the elephant in the room.dd gets upset with me when I mention it.
If I make a huge fuss they will both move out ,and she will be paying 100% for all the rent and bills.at least as they are here she is saving.
I’ve 2 boys.
He’s setting such a bad example to them that it’s ok to not work and game all night and day.
I’d never of let him move in if I thought for a second this would happen 😢

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 27/05/2019 17:42

I just saw him as another member of the family .both Christmases and birthdays I spent the same on him as my kids ..I’ve just been trying to be fair

Good lord Hmm

viques · 27/05/2019 17:42

PS did I miss the post where it said he had a family . If he's not working it doesn't matter where they live, push comes to shove he can move back in to his old room with the Star Wars posters on the wall.

AllFourOfThem · 27/05/2019 17:47

Dd is going aboard for 4 months .hes going to be here

Only if you let him.

Cheby · 27/05/2019 17:48

This is fucking ridiculous OP. Give him 4 weeks to get a job, or he/they are out. And in those 4 weeks he needs to be doing all the housework, considering he’s the only adult not contributing. Christ almighty.

magoria · 27/05/2019 17:51

He's a 27 year old leaching off you going out to work everyday paying for everything while he slums around and does fuck all.

He isn't even your 27 year old.

His parents must be so please some other mug is footing the bill!

You need to man up and tell him and your DD he is taking the piss and has x weeks to move out and he has had 1 year of free living with you.

SandAndSea · 27/05/2019 17:59

How about texting your DD something like this to oil the wheels?

"Hi DD! Please can we have a chat? It's been lovely having you both to stay with us but I think it's time we moved towards you two living independently now, especially as you're going away soon. Let's have a proper chat tonight."

In conversation, "That doesn't work for me" is a good phrase.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 27/05/2019 18:00

Are they contributing to the household bills? If not, start charging them their part of electricity, water, wi-fi etc...
Also, I'd strongly urge you to get yourself into a position that when your DD is away, he's not living in your house. He can move back to his parent's place while she is away and you have to make that clear to them both. Nice and calmly but clearly. This is not going to be happening. They can find an alternative if they like but it's not going to be him staying in your house gaming all day.

AlwaysCheddar · 27/05/2019 18:00

Sod him living there for 4 months whilst dd is away! Stop treating him like a son and more like the freeloading dick he is.

Jaxhog · 27/05/2019 18:04

As several people have already said, you need to give them a deadline for moving out. Soon!

Redshoeblueshoe · 27/05/2019 18:05

But he isn't nice. He went running to DD to say naughty OP had been mean to him.
He does bugger all, except take the piss.
I bet his mummy doesn't want him back.

EileenAlanna · 27/05/2019 18:08

Where did he live before he & your DD started living together, did he have his own flat or live with parents? Did he pay 50/50 the rent & bills for the year they were in a flat? What kind of work does he normally do & what history overall does he have for keeping a job? Do DD & him have shared hobbies/interests or has gaming always been his "thing"?
Even with her returning frequently during her 4 months away I think that you're right to be optimistic that it'll fizzle out. With her not seeing it every day through rose tinted glasses/his perspective it'll start to dawn on her that all is not well in paradise.

It's probably politic not to voice criticism of him since she's so defensive atm but a straight forward "xxx will have to arrange his own accommodation now, staying here under these new circumstances isn't something I'm happy with." Practice saying "it's just not something I want to do" to any arguments she/he put up. I've realised the older I've got that "I don't want to" is a perfectly good reason for anything.

SandAndSea · 27/05/2019 18:09

It sounds like you're enabling him/them here.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 27/05/2019 18:14

Thing is, if he were your own son I doubt you’d be tolerating him sitting on his arse gaming for 11 weeks without getting on his back. I know I certainly wouldn’t. I nagged DS quite a lot when he finished uni and 2 years on he says he’s really grateful to me for not letting him waste his life in front of the x box.

Treating him like family works both ways.

missnevermind · 27/05/2019 18:15

I would call a family meeting. Sit at the table formally. Tell them that this was not the arrangement that was made and they now have to move out.
Or they obviously now have enough money saved to move out as they are no longer saving so hard so you need that to happen as soon as possible.
Also I would not let him live in the house while your daughter is abroad. Tell her they were to stay as a couple and 4 months is too long for you to ‘cope with him alone ‘

KickAssAngel · 27/05/2019 18:24

"he's such a nice guy"

NO HE'S NOT!!!

What is "nice" about someone who leeches off you, leeches off your DD, lies that you're having a go when you're not, and (from the sound of it) actually shows fuck all attention to your DD, the love of his life.

He's a wastrel, living off the good nature of the 2 of you!!

There is nothing nice about a cock-lodger.

missnevermind · 27/05/2019 18:34

Also ‘next time’ 🙄 Never let them live rent free with you. Take a realistic rent from them. It’s up to you what you do with it. Save it and give them back when they move out - offer to pay deposits and first months rent when they find somewhere- buy them furniture and a washing machine when it’s needed. Or use it for yourself as they should be paying something towards their bed and board and inconvenience to you.

FizzyGreenWater · 27/05/2019 18:38

He is not nice.

He is a crafty leech.

You say yourself they're not suited.

Do your DD a MASSIVE favour and throw the spotlight on this waster and maybe she'll see the light.

adaline · 27/05/2019 18:42

You're the one enabling him, OP. He's living rent-free in your house, using your amenities and eating your food - him living there has no negative impact on your DD so why would it bother her that he doesn't have a job?

Tell DD she is more than welcome to stay, but that unless X has a job by Y date, he has to move out as you aren't willing to subsidise a grown adult who refuses to get a job.

DizzySue · 27/05/2019 18:52

Tell your DD you want him to move out. It's her choice whether she stays if goes too. Don't have any part in enabling a dead beat, unemployed adult gamer!

Booboooo · 27/05/2019 18:53

Exactly what was the reason he quit his job??

TixieLix · 27/05/2019 18:57

OP while your DD is away, who will be cooking his meals, doing his laundry, changing his bed linen, cleaning his living space? Will he do all that, or will he expect your DD to do it on one of her regular trips back? I agree with everyone else, he needs to be told to make other arrangements while your Dd is away and will only be allowed back afterwards if he’s managed to secure a new job in the interim.

Piglet89 · 27/05/2019 19:01

@Mimsy123 - screenshot from OED online attached. Totally valid as a verb. Everyday’s a school day.

Aibu ...to not know what to do..adult dd and bf
Summersunshine2 · 27/05/2019 19:03

Turn your internet off. Take the black box with you when you go out. Turn it off at night. He won't be able to game then!

AquaUnderAqua7 · 27/05/2019 19:09

You treated him like a family member

This is how he has repaid your kindness & generosity

They have been saving, so they should have enough for a deposit to rent somewhere else

TriciaH87 · 27/05/2019 19:12

Point out to get a mortgage he will need 3 months of wage slips. If he does not find a job they will only get a mortgage based on her income meaning some crappy place compared to having 2 incomes. Politely point out your supporting them financially in this process so he needs to show he is committed to finding work. Gaming is not to occur during working hours.