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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu ...to not know what to do..adult dd and bf

232 replies

Feelingwalkedover · 27/05/2019 16:11

So dd 23 has a bf 27 2 years together,one year living Together in their flat..moved in with us to save up for a mortgage.been living in our house rent free for a year .huge upheaval to fit them in .we have lost a fair bit of living space .they have a whole floor in the converted loft.it wasn’t a big house to start with.
Dd is saving lots ,has good job .very well paid indeed.bf had a job when he moved in.. 11 weeks ago he packed his job in.he games all day and most of the night.she won’t hear a word against him.hes applied for one job in 11 weeks.

He’s lovely ,I really like him.
But the lack of job has now become the elephant in the room.dd gets upset with me when I mention it.
If I make a huge fuss they will both move out ,and she will be paying 100% for all the rent and bills.at least as they are here she is saving.
I’ve 2 boys.
He’s setting such a bad example to them that it’s ok to not work and game all night and day.
I’d never of let him move in if I thought for a second this would happen 😢

OP posts:
popehilarious · 28/05/2019 21:07

How was it/he when he was working and living with you? Did he chip in?

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 28/05/2019 21:11

He’s complained to her I’m having a go at him

He’s such a nice person

🤨
No he is not.

Put on your big girl pants and get them out of your house.
You will be setting a good example for your younger sons.

Ragwort · 28/05/2019 21:16

This is exactly why I would never allow my teenage DS to invite a girl/boy friend to stay more than the occasional night ... you see this all the time on Mumsnet, parents allow a ‘partner’ Hmm to move in, to help them save blah blah blah and it often ends in tears and YOUR lifestyle is compromised whilst allowing the young lovers to live comfortably at your expense. Sod that.

S1naidSucks · 28/05/2019 21:22

What’s the betting that you will be sitting getting wound up for the four months your daughter is abroad, only to discover that during her time away she’s decided to dump him? You know distance from him and experiencing the big wide world will probably make her realise they’re too different.

Supermum29 · 28/05/2019 21:27

You need to put your foot down!! If he isn’t working he cannot stay there. The reason you have put yourselves out is to help them both save, he isn’t doing that. It is your home so why should you be put out for him.

Twinkled · 28/05/2019 21:54

He needs to find a new place to live. It is down to you . You need to say this does not suit you anymore and he needs to move out by +insert date+ . But from what you have said I wonder if you can? It's down to you . You are letting them treat you in this way . Stop it !

BigChocFrenzy · 28/05/2019 22:13

You putting up with her cocklodger is NOT helping your DD

  • you are just delaying her reality check

Give them both notice tomorrow that BEFORE the date she goes abroad, he - not your dd - must move out

From TODAY, shut off the wifi when you are not using it - especially before you go to bed

ByeClaire · 28/05/2019 22:30

I’d have been mortified as a 23 year old, who was working, if my then boyfriend had taken advantage of my mother like this. No way would I have let him get away with it or be reporting back to her that he wants her to stop hassling him about getting a job. I hope that my own DC would also never allow this. It’s not just the 27yo bf who is not modelling respectful behaviour to your younger sons, but also your DD.

Nephilim1964 · 28/05/2019 22:55

He’s lovely ,I really like him

I'm afraid he's not lovely OP, he's a cocklodger. He's showing his true colours and needs to step up and behave like an adult.

He's being enabled to behave this way because so far there have been no consequences for his laziness. You're being taken advantage of and you need to put your foot down. It's a terrible example to your other children and as someone has already said, how long will your daughter be prepared to put up with it when she's footing 100% of the bills while he's sitting on his arse killing aliens on his games console all fucking day?

Whatisthisfuckery · 28/05/2019 23:03

OP, log into your router and limit the bandwidth allowed for his xbox, then he won’t be able to sit on his backside playing games all hours of the day. Then tell him he needs to find a job or find somewhere else to live.

GabsAlot · 28/05/2019 23:12

OP says they live rent free so i doubt they contribute anything else

MummyofTw0 · 28/05/2019 23:24

Turn the WiFi off x

SorryDidISayThatOutLoud · 28/05/2019 23:29

OP, why did he 'pack his job in' do you know? What did your DD say about that?

EllenMP · 28/05/2019 23:42

If you find it hard to express yourself in person you could maybe write a letter to both of them explaining how it makes you feel to have a grown man lolling about the house -- both the example he is setting for your younger sons and also feeling taken advantage of in providing a home for someone who is not contributing to the family by working to save money for a future home with your daughter.

I've had adult children living at home with school age children and I totally sympathise. I love having them at home -- as long as they are working full time. Idleness winds me up something chronic.

DeeCeeCherry · 28/05/2019 23:48

It's sad your DD wants to be with a loser who sits around for weeks without a job, but you don't and should not be subsidising him. They need to move out. He's no respect for you, your daughter or your home. If you dither on this because you're scared of losing or upsetting your daughter then you'll ruin your own home life.

Let her sub a man if she wants, that's her choice. It's sad she wants to do that, but a few months of bring broke every day due to a lazy arse man should make her see sense.

& Don't let her scrounge from you either when she moves out. If they want money then he can get a job. Or his mum can chip in. He's not your son.

Don't allow men to think they can disrespect you like this. Show them they can't. Even if your daughter (unfortunately) won't.

YourWinter · 29/05/2019 00:20

If your daughter has half an ounce of sense she'll realise what a waste of space he is while she's away and dump him - in any case, you can't let him continue to live at your house. If he left his job of his own accord presumably he can't claim JSA anyway, so he doesn't have to apply himself to looking for work. The example you're setting your boys isn't one of tolerance and kindness, it's enabling a lazy scrounger to take the mickey. You absolutely need to put your foot down here. Providing a home for him is not your responsibility.

Chocmallows · 29/05/2019 00:29

Give him 2 days to pack and find other accommodation. Your DD will have time to think whilst away and I expect may be happy he's not there when she returns.

Loreleigh · 29/05/2019 03:36

Let the freeloader moan as much as he wants - he has jack shit to moan about and this is just another tactic to get his own way so that he can live rent free in your house, have his partner buy everything else for him; no doubt his washing is being done, he is eating daily, wiping his arse on your loo roll etc - and thinks it's OK to set an example to your 2 (presumably younger and more impressionable) boys that sitting on your bone idle arse playing computer games at someone else's expense is alright. Tell him straight you have tolerated enough and he better grow up, get off his arse, be a better partner, better son-in-law, better male role model and better human being. A lazy whinging emotionally-blackmailing ponce is bang out of order for a capable adult male - he needs to get a job, contribute and set a better example or risk becoming single, homeless, skint, useless with a reputation that is 100% negative. Needs to buck his ideas up and your daughter needs to be more assertive with him and not condone/enable a lazy lifestyle. Many of us would love to be able to work - he is more than lucky - give it to him with both barrels, as such. And stop supporting him or he has no incentive whatsoever to change.

If your daughter insists on helping his freeloading then let her learn by her own mistakes - when her hard-earned savings are dwindling/gone she may realise what a prat he is, likeable or not he is acting like a bone idle sulking child throwing a temper tantrum if he can't get his own way - life doesn't work like that, unless others allow it!

Good luck

Malbecqueen · 29/05/2019 08:46

I really don’t understand why you think you’re doing your daughter a favour by tolerating this behaviour. Show her what self-respect looks like. He’s a manipulative scrounger. Surely she deserves better?

coconutpie · 29/05/2019 08:51

Agree with everyone else - now is the time to be an actual role model for your DD and show her that this type of behaviour should not be tolerated. You need to stop enabling this behaviour.

Palaver1 · 29/05/2019 11:23

What are you going to do??

cees · 29/05/2019 11:57

I hope your girl wakes up before she's tied to him with marriage and kids.

1forAll74 · 29/05/2019 17:43

I am glad you are going to sort things now.It's your home, and this 27 years of age man,should at this age, realise what he should be doing, he is not a teenager, although he sounds like one.

No disrespect for all teenagers,,my grandson will become a new teenager tomorrow !

DoAllMeerkatsComeFromRussia · 29/05/2019 17:49

OP the problem started way back when you agreed for them to move in with you as you didn't set any ground rules or time frames. I don't know how hard it will be to back track but I'd be calling an official meeting with them both to discuss your living situation. Call it an agm type thing as it has been a year since they moved in. Start by asking how they think it has been going, how they've coped being back in the family home, whether they are saving as much as they expected etc. Explain that having the extra financial pressure has been a lot more difficult for you than you had anticipated (no need to specifically mention the BF's lack of employment). They may have no concept of the fact that you are making financial and personal sacrifices for them unless you tell them so. Praise them for how well they have saved so far but explain that you'd like to give a time frame to how long they spend with you as although you want to help, you've realised that you can't financially cope for too much longer. Ask how long they think they'll need to stay for. It is fine for adult kids to move back in while saving. It is not fine to have no time scale for how long you will be shelling out for them. If they can't give you a deadline or give you one that is too long for your liking, say so and tell them you were thinking of just a few more months as being about how long you can manage financially. Tell them that although they may not quite have a deposit by then, they'll be well on the way to getting there and should be really proud.

This will get them to understand your point of view and your situation- something they haven't been very fair over taking into consideration. Doing this should make one or both of them realise that the BF not working will have an impact on them because they have a definite moving out deadline and if they haven't enough money by then, they won't be getting the mortgage. At the moment they aren't seeing any change in the finances, other than the savings pot going up more slowly, which is a bit abstract.

By the way, chances are DD is frustrated about the lack of job as well but won't be seen to agree with you against the BF.

SimplySteveRedux · 29/05/2019 17:57

There's nothing wrong with gaming as a hobby, loads of adults play games. In fact last year the gaming industry garnered more money than entertainment (video & music) combined. Fed up of the stereotypes surrounding it.

OP clearly needs cocklodger to leave, and if this means her DD follows and makes a huge mistake (can easily see said cocklodger being happy to let her pay mortgage/rent and bills) then so be it and it'll be a massive life experience for her.