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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu ...to not know what to do..adult dd and bf

232 replies

Feelingwalkedover · 27/05/2019 16:11

So dd 23 has a bf 27 2 years together,one year living Together in their flat..moved in with us to save up for a mortgage.been living in our house rent free for a year .huge upheaval to fit them in .we have lost a fair bit of living space .they have a whole floor in the converted loft.it wasn’t a big house to start with.
Dd is saving lots ,has good job .very well paid indeed.bf had a job when he moved in.. 11 weeks ago he packed his job in.he games all day and most of the night.she won’t hear a word against him.hes applied for one job in 11 weeks.

He’s lovely ,I really like him.
But the lack of job has now become the elephant in the room.dd gets upset with me when I mention it.
If I make a huge fuss they will both move out ,and she will be paying 100% for all the rent and bills.at least as they are here she is saving.
I’ve 2 boys.
He’s setting such a bad example to them that it’s ok to not work and game all night and day.
I’d never of let him move in if I thought for a second this would happen 😢

OP posts:
Original poster
Feelingwalkedover · 27/05/2019 16:42

But he’s such a nice person ,and always tells me he’s looking for work when I ask.
Perhaps I’m being unreasonable rushing him,maybe I need to give him longer to sort it out

OP posts:
Sparkletastic · 27/05/2019 16:43

Use the very good wording a poster above suggested - give a clear deadline.

titchy · 27/05/2019 16:43

Why did you bother posting then if you're not going to do anything about it?

SpinachnRicotta · 27/05/2019 16:43

He tells you he's looking for work but you know he's only applied for one job.

So....he's lying to you...?

Sparkletastic · 27/05/2019 16:43

Give him a month. That's long enough to get some sort of job.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 27/05/2019 16:44

He is taking the piss if he thinks he can live rent free for 4 months while your daughter isn’t even there. What is he contributing in terms of cooking/shopping/housework/gardening?

DarlingNikita · 27/05/2019 16:44

soshe’s asked me to stop mentioning it to him
Remind her that it's your house and you are in charge of it.

This precisely.

Let them move out. She needs to find her own way and make her own mistakes. For the love of God get rid of them before she goes abroad!
… actually, having said that, maybe once she's gone you can give him a proper arse-kicking –insist that he pays rent/keep and does his bit round the house etc.

But all things considered, maybe you shouldn't chivvy a grown man. Tell them you need them out before she goes off.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 27/05/2019 16:44

I think you've had some good advice here. It doesn't need to get nasty or be a big showdown.

Just explain you were willing to help while they were helping themselves but you cant subsidise a grown adult who doesn't want to work - lots of people wouldn't even let their own children stay with them if they weren't trying to work. Explain how its setting a bad example as you wont then be able to tell your own sons to work if they want to live there

serensiren · 27/05/2019 16:46

Perhaps I’m being unreasonable rushing him,maybe I need to give him longer to sort it out

When I was looking for a job, it was a full time job in itself! Wouldn't have had time to game at all! He's obviously not trying hard enough.

VforVienetta · 27/05/2019 16:47

Perhaps put something in writing, saying the deal is you stay here while you’re saving. If you’re not working, you’re not saving.
He can move back in with his folks if he wants to loaf about all summer. The fact is, it’s your business because they’re in your house taking up your space. If he’s not earning they can move into one room and give you the extra space back. They could get it back again when he’s employed. If she’s away for 4 months he can’t take up a whole floor of your house for all that time, you’ll be driven nuts!

Original poster
Feelingwalkedover · 27/05/2019 16:48

You know what it’s like on here ,you read threads and you think you would do xyz if it were your problem.
But then when it is your problem,it’s hard to see the right thing to do.
If someone else had this problem I’d be saying ..
For the love of god get rid.
But they have been together a long time ,she loves him.
I feel sad my kindness has put me in such a anxiety inducing situation.its not fair.

OP posts:
paddles100 · 27/05/2019 16:48

Just no way in hell...

VforVienetta · 27/05/2019 16:49

Also, he’s 27.

BlessYourCottonSocks · 27/05/2019 16:49

I'd be saying, Having supported you both financially for a year by letting you live here rent free I thought we needed to be clear about what's going to happen next. Obviously once dd has gone to (insert country) you will need to vacate the loft as well, (cocklodger). Do you have firm plans?

Pinkvoid · 27/05/2019 16:49

Ask them to leave. Your DD will soon realise how much of a cocklodger he is when she’s paying her own mortgage/rent and he’s just slobbing around all day playing xbox like a child.

Barbie222 · 27/05/2019 16:50

I think if she's going, you can probably say something along the lines of, it won't really work as we're going to need to charge rent going forward and you don't have an income stream. Make up a reason why you need to start charging that looks plausible. Then he can stay and contribute or move on.

INeedAFlerken · 27/05/2019 16:50

'DD - I’m sorry but I’m not willing to support an adult man who isn’t working and making no effort to. He needs to either find a job in the next month or he’ll need to move out. Whilst we’re talking about this, I want you to think about whether YOU want to support him indefinitely. This is very early on in your relationship - imagine this situation with children and a mortgage involved. Anyway - this is entirely your decision but I’m not supporting him past x.'

This.

Exactly this.

He's not carrying his part of the deal, and she's setting herself up for a lifetime of working her arse off for a freeloader if she doesn't learn now it will slowly kill her. Let her find out now so she can dump him.

TooTrueToBeGood · 27/05/2019 16:50

He's infringing on your space and privacy.
He's using your utilities so costing you money.
Who's going to buy his food, toiletries etc when your daughter is abroad?

He's not your son, not your responsibility. He's not playing his part in the agreement that was made when you let him move in. He'd be out the door in a heartbeat in my house though I wouldn't have let him move in to begin with. A few years ago, our son asked if he could move back home for a bit as he wanted to return to the area, find a job etc. We said yes. Then he asked if his partner could come too. We have the space but I said no immediately. I don't mind supporting my children but I'm not supporting their partners as well and I had to consider the risk that if they fall out I could potentially be stuck with her in my house even though they were no longer together. I'm too cynical to expose myself to that sort of shit.

happyhillock · 27/05/2019 16:51

It's your house tell them time's up they have to move out, i certainly wouldn't be letting him stay when your daughter goes abroad, i wouldn't have let him move in in the first place..

Rosemary7391 · 27/05/2019 16:51

@serensiren

Conversely, I managed to apply for more than one job whilst writing my PhD thesis full time and being a charity trustee.

Is there something else going on? Does he need help job hunting/being realistic about what jobs he can apply for? I can imagine that its quite easy to be too narrow in a search and then not find anything to apply for.

titchy · 27/05/2019 16:52

I feel sad my kindness has put me in such a anxiety inducing situation.its not fair.

Your 'kindness' over the years has meant your dd is herself unable to kick his arse into shape as you've never shown her how to deal with shit I suspect....

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 27/05/2019 16:53

Just realised he packed in his job as well. He chose this situation. It's incredibly rude to take you up on your offer of somewhere to live in order to save and then go back on his side of the deal of saving.

I hope your daughter sees the light before buying a house with him jointly or getting married

Redshoeblueshoe · 27/05/2019 16:54

I disagree with people saying give him a month. I'd tell him he's leaving now.
If your DD doesn't like it she can go too.
I bet she won't want to spend all her savings on a deposit for a flat, when he's just going to sit on his arse all day

Original poster
Feelingwalkedover · 27/05/2019 16:54

Right .
Ok
You are all right .i know it.
In my defence I’ve had bigger fish to fry .had a bad situation with two of my kids ,so him not working just didn’t feature as I was tied up in another situation..that’s a whole other thread for another day.
I will do it ..I know I need to
Thankyou for the advice everyone

OP posts:
Loveatthefiveanddime · 27/05/2019 16:55

Does he have parents that he can stay with while your daughter is away. It seems mental to be living in your house doing nothing when he could be there doing nothing.

Good luck OP. My guess is that on some level the thoughts will be starting to form in her head too that he isn't doing his bit. She will be defensive when you say things but it does not mean you are not right or that she doesn't actually agree you are not right. She may just be burying her head in the sand a little at this stage as she may feel in a difficult position.