To feel sad that I don’t really have any friends?

[mommathatwearspink]

I’m not sure why this evening in particular but I just feel so sad
I don’t have any friends really... I have people that I am friendly with, people at work etc but no one that really asks me to go out or to be their bridesmaid, etc. Most of my friends went off to university when me and DP met and we lost contact. Any friends that I have met through DP have either split up with two their DP so we don’t socialise together anymore or just don’t make any effort with me.
I am a nice person, I am kind and friendly to everyone I meet so why do I not have any friends?? I’m only in my late 20s and whilst most girls are going out for a drink with their friends, or going in on hen parties, etc I’m sat here wondering what went wrong?!

@zoflorabore
@pinkdaydreams
@NoYo
@bobbintgreadbare123 (you can join us in spirit!) 😁

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/meetups/3595640-Liverpool-Knowsley-non-purple-wheely-bins-welcome

Hi everyone! I could have written this post myself. I actually sat crying to my husband the other night telling him how I have no real friends. As a child and young person I had so many close friends so I find this really affects my self esteem and I can feel so lonely!
I'm in Cheshire if anyone else is and feeling similar

I think there is something here to do with emotional resilience that people have touched on but not gone into.

I find that I have this in my friendships (though not in some other areas of life, which as a result I find much harder) and it is the key to being able to develop & keep friendships going. People will inevitably do or say unkind things sometimes, be thoughtless, leave you out of situations either by accident or (rarely) on purpose.

I know it is incredibly difficult to get past this - but I have over the years developed the ability to tell myself 'She didn't mean it that way' when someone does something small that hurts me. I don't mean putting up with long-term cruel or abusive behaviour, I just mean the small snubs that people usually do by accident and are common especially when you first get to know people. A PP mentioned the girl they worked with who could push through/ignore unfriendliness for long enough to get to the other side.

I'm mentioning this because it's something that hasn't been explicitly brought up and I think it's a big problem when people are just told 'go to meet-ups' but then find that they're left out of things even when they do try. Or perceive that they are being left out, and then withdraw. A lot of people are bullied/leftout at school and this encourages that kind of sensitivity to snubs, even when unintended.

Also the technicalities of properly getting to know people, getting past the acquaintance stage - PP (justwonderingtbh) had really really good advice about that re. following people on social media and gently getting to know them on there - this is solid gold advice and absolutely what I do when I want to get to know someone. It works. Also the advice someone else had about asking to see someone outside of work/clubs/usual setting. You have to be the one who makes the first move - again, requires a level of emotional resilience, which is why I'm stressing that.

By the way Brene Brown's Netflix special on vulnerability (and her work generally) is a bit American/self-helpy but also has some good advice on this. And I feel like there must be other internet resources for developing resilience?

oh god sorry for writing a bloody essay

Excellent post behindlings
I appreciate the essay

I do think it gets harder as you get older. I have no issue talking to people and being friendly in work but making proper friends has always been hard.

I know i'm quite guarded though and it takes time to build relationships so because i'm not loud and bubbly or don't drink alcohol they think I wont be fun etc

I'm not a Scouser but only a tunnel away.

I'm also in the same boat - moved away when I went to uni, met DH, then settled in his home town..i have work colleagues but no one I can go out with, go for a cuppa etc. I'm in South Yorkshire if anyone wants to meet up.

I’m trying to push myself out of my comfort zone a bit now. Went to an organised walk a few weeks ago which I will go back to but just haven’t been able to as DH works loads extra during the summer.

Am also planning to go to a newbies event for kayaking soon which I’ve been wanting to do for ages!!

Thanks Scoobygang7 re the information on tangents club

Having ploughed through the thread this morning, I was about to write a post but behindlings has beaten me to it!

Other musing I have had...

I often read threads on here about friends saying or doing something horrible, and the OP is told that she should dump said friend. But honestly, unless it's part of a bigger picture, I think that we should give our friends the benefit the doubt. No one is perfect, and when I look back at some of the things I've said/done in the past, I cringe at myself and then thank God that my friends realise that I didn't mean it that way, iyswim?

If you think you are 'weird' and so hold back - don't! Be weird! You will attract the other weirdos who will accept you for who you are! Yes, I'm speaking from experience, see above

One of my best, closest friends is the flakiest of the flakes, and is never the one to suggest meeting up. Sounds awful doesn't she, by MN standards. However, she explained to me quite early on after first meeting that she is like this and why (she's an oversharer too!) and I have completely accepted this.

This all comes back to emotional resilience though. You need to stamp down hard on the anxiety and not over think stuff. Easier said than done, I know, but you can work on it.

I don't have issues with friends, I know how lucky I am but if no one minds can I give some insight from another side?
I'm a befriender to an 88 year old lady who has no living relatives and very few friends. Initially it was quite fun visiting her, going for coffee etc but as time has gone on (about 8 months) she's becoming more difficult to engage with.
The few friends she has left are mostly elderly and infirm like her but she expects so much of them and she takes umbrage at the slightest thing. I'm beginning to understand why she's so alone.
I'm not suggesting for a moment that any of you lovelies on here are like that but I think people forget how much you have to trade off in friendship and that there's no such thing as the perfect friend.
I hope you all make good pals soon and are happy.

I don't have friends either. It didn't seem to matter before because DH and I were each others best friends. Now I'm a widow and it's so crippling lonely. I've joined Widowed and Young and been to one of their events, but I'm quite shy and everyone else knew each other.

The whole school gates thing is v overrated anyway. DS is the type who can pick a fight in an empty room is a, erm, spirited young man so cycled through a couple of friends before settling down with a lovely bunch in his teens. It was an established group going back to Y7 and the parents of that group are, from what I can gather, all very tight knit (think holidaying together) whereas despite my DS being "in" with them, I don't even know some of the other mums' names . I've said hello to them and chatted to them in passing but nowhere near enough to ask them for a coffee or what have you. I don't exactly lose sleep over it but I think it is a shame, mainly for DS as there have been times when all the parents and all the kids have met up and gone out together and DS hasn't been invited because it's a family thing. On the other hand, knowing the Mums From School becomes less of a thing after the first couple of years of secondary I'd say, so with that kind of friendship you have to strike while the iron's hot.

My wheelie bin is very dark grey now

Same here. Get on great with people at work. And I know lots of people but only 2 close friends. I tend to do most things on my own.

Same here oh so lonely its unbearable at times

Hi OP and others on here. Sorry you are feeling sad. I think most people have no more than two or three real friends. Many have none and it has nothing to do with them, it is just circumstances. I'm in North Cornwall, if anyone wants friendship. Just pm me

When DD started Secondary school last September she had a terrible time making friends.
She now has a small group of 5 who have formed a gang. However, one of them has fallen out with another one and DD seems to be taking sides.
I have urged her to stay friends with all of them and to not take sides as she needs all the friends she can get.
She just rolled her eyes at me but I remember doing exactly the same thing when I was at school and it all went horribly tits up, so do urge her not to make the same mistake or she may end up completely friendless.
I do think the friendships we make at school are the ones that carry you through life, so it's important to nurture them then.

I think it's quite easy to lose friends in your 20s and not make more because life is changing rapidly. Because I travelled quite a bit in my early 20s then moved abroad permanently to be with dh, I lost a lot of friends. I'm 46 and really only developed a strong set of friends in the last 7/8 years when we settled down in one place and got to know people.

@WhiteRedRose ha I love Ikea and that's the one we go to rather than the Manchester one.

Please don't get too fixated on friends from school being friends for life. I'm in my 50s and have lots of pals none at all from school. I stopped seeing school friends about 30 years ago.
I still see people limiting themselves and believing they'll never make meaningful friendships later in life, it's simply not true.

It's nicer, I find ☺️ @baubled and the meatballs are always much better!

Wow, I wasn’t expecting so many replies! Thank you so much ladies

DP said I should start investing in some friendships I am really interested in getting into yoga... maybe I would meet some friends through that?

I'm in the same boat - had to stop working and haven't really made friends amongst the school parents. I think it boils down to being bullied at school so no one would try and be friends. Now I just assume that no one would want to spend time with me.

@ImsorryFofty - I'm in London too - obvious from my user name I suppose.

I'm the same, sometimes I miss it and others I'm thankful as my life is generally free of other people's drama which I must say is just how I like it. My sister is a bit of a social butterfly, and flits from one full-on friendship to the next and the amount of drama in her life - the falling out and bitching is too much for me.