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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel sad that I don’t really have any friends?

214 replies

mommathatwearspink · 25/05/2019 20:19

I’m not sure why this evening in particular but I just feel so sad Sad
I don’t have any friends really... I have people that I am friendly with, people at work etc but no one that really asks me to go out or to be their bridesmaid, etc. Most of my friends went off to university when me and DP met and we lost contact. Any friends that I have met through DP have either split up with two their DP so we don’t socialise together anymore or just don’t make any effort with me.
I am a nice person, I am kind and friendly to everyone I meet so why do I not have any friends?? I’m only in my late 20s and whilst most girls are going out for a drink with their friends, or going in on hen parties, etc I’m sat here wondering what went wrong?!

OP posts:
ricepuddingme · 25/05/2019 21:16

Me too!!!

I'm 25 next month and I have 1 'true' friend but even with her since I've had children and she hasn't I find we have nothing in common anymore (we used to club every weekend and have fun trips)

My children are 2.5 and 4 weeks old and I feel very lonely and isolated. My partner works very long hours so I'm alone most of the time and it's very depressing.

People just seem to form friendships around me but not with me.
I'm nice, I promise!
My partner says I'm just a bit 'weird' but in a good way... I grew up with an abusive mother so I guess it's possibly made me a little different. Confused

newjobnerves · 25/05/2019 21:16

@cjpark and this helps the op how?

FurrySlipperBoots · 25/05/2019 21:16

I'm just the same OP! Chatty with friendly acquaintances but never get beyond that level. I was very ill with ME when everyone else went off to college and I got left behind. I've never done the whole studying/partying/holidaying/bridesmaiding/godmothering thing that most people seem to have gone through with their closest friends. It can feel incredibly lonely can't it?

Biancadelrioisback · 25/05/2019 21:18

I only have 2 friends. I have lots of acquaintances but only 2 friends. They each have loads of other friends so I always feel lonely when they're busy.
I fantasise about making BFFs with other mam's when my son starts school...

OldAndWornOut · 25/05/2019 21:23

Same for me.
My time off is spent on my own.
Nobody to even have a cup of tea or go for a walk with.

cjpark · 25/05/2019 21:25

@ NewJob - Op asked how she could meet friends - I said I met mine through the 'baby clinic' and we are still close now. Relax!

RuffleCrow · 25/05/2019 21:27

I think it's much more common nowadays. My grandma was a cantankerous old dear and then sadly developed alzheimers but somehow managed to hang on to lifelong friendships up until she died in her 80s. The church was packed out for her funeral.

To be honest she was equal parts friendly, funny, nosy, bossy, caring, critical and annoying. If she'd been born in the 80s rather than the 20s I'm not sure people would have put up with her in the same way. I think people have a much lower threshold for what they'll put up with and if someone of my age exhibited some of my grandmother's negative traits they'd be given pretty short shrift. I'm not saying any of us are like that.

What I'm saying is that people generally are much less tolerant now - even of minor personality flaws like shyness, which I'm guessing is the one most of us on this thread have. I think it's down to wider societal problems and community breakdown and the way the news makes us all afraid of each other. It's not all about us.

I also think the shame around loneliness has increased to such an extent that many of us work incredibly hard not to appear needy or lonely. Which has the effect of isolating us further because lonely people have no way to recognise each other. - whereas my grandmother's generation - it was more accepted that people needed each other. There was very little materialism in her east end upbringing so besides people, what else was there? I'm always struck when I read novels and letters from the pre-modern era - so before even her time- just how frankly people used to express their feelings for one another and their need for one another. Even when i had close friendships it was very unusual for us to really speak frankly about what we meant to one another!

woofwooftrucks · 25/05/2019 21:28

I'm the same op! DH and I met as teens and I have seemed to isolated myself over the years. I have a couple of acquaintances to meet up with but sometimes the meet ups are so far apart it feels awkward when we do meet as we literally only live 10/15mins away.

I do sometimes feel that I'm actually happy being a bit of a loner but it's the peer pressure that seems to get to me sometimes. I worry that people think I'm not a nice person if I don't have any proper close friends.

MIL forever makes comments about how it would be great for me to have some "mummy friends" and it's getting increasingly awkward when she's dropping hints about ways I can make friends etc.

Provincialbelle · 25/05/2019 21:31

Two long term abusive relationships badly affected my friendships, confidence etc. I have joined a club through work contacts and that is giving me a decent social life (at least compared with before), so maybe that’s a first option? Admittedly there are some insufferable people at the club who have reinforced a lot of my negative views but happily they are a minority.

ImsorryFofty · 25/05/2019 21:34

@newjobnerves I am similar to you, met my DH when we were teenagers and he was my best friend. We did have a big group of mutual friends but now we are getting divorced and I had no idea the impact it would have on my friendships. I lost a lot of friends towards the end of my marriage because I wasn't much fun to be around apparently (suffering from anxiety and depression because of his behaviour, and couldn't afford to go out all the time and go on expensive trips away because he had secretly wracked up a whole lot of debt). Then I lost more friends when I asked for a divorce because they blamed me for breaking up the social circle.

I feel so alone and have no idea how to make new friends as an adult. I have a couple of good friends but I find it hard to trust after being ghosted by my closest and oldest friends because they didn't know how to cope with what I was going through. It was almost like it was easier for them to pretend that I didn't exist.

Sorry all for the emotional outpouring, I'm feeling very sensitive about it tonight and this thread at least makes me feel like I'm not the only one

newjobnerves · 25/05/2019 21:37

@cjpark sorry you're right, I read it as "oh I have great friends" lol, green eyed monster much? I apologise. No more babies for me, I wonder how people make friends with school mums just dropping kids off, I see it happening but never to me!

newjobnerves · 25/05/2019 21:38

@ImsorryFofty I wish I had advice for you, sorry for what you're going through.

OldAndWornOut · 25/05/2019 21:40

Do any of you live near each other?
You could always arrange to meet up..

Petalflowers · 25/05/2019 21:41

Can I join you? I seem to know lots of people, but not many friends. Ie rarely invited for meals, bbq, new year eve parties etc. Sometimes I make the effort and invite people, but i’m not in a friendship group that naturally does stuff together. Makes me sad at times.

Dippypippy1980 · 25/05/2019 21:42

Men seem to find it easier to make friends than women. I haven’t really made any new friends in the last twenty years. I really want to, and have recently started running to try and connect with more people, and feel part of the neighbourhood.

I am in a couch to 5k club, then I hope to graduate to the weekly parkrun, then volunteer maybe for 5 junior run. I know people who have made friends this way.

justwonderingtbh · 25/05/2019 21:42

Oh bless you, it's awful not having friends. As a teenager I felt like I had no real best friends. I was always on the outside of social circles, and the last to be invited somewhere, if at all.
Late into my teens everything dawned on me, and I decided to change everything.
I put myself out there more. Every new person I meet I now add on some form of social media and like/comment on lots of posts. Obviously not straight away because that would look obsessive, but by liking the odd post occasionally at first you are building up the familiarity. Then when you see each other again in real life it's as if you have more of a connection.
Group chats. WhatsApp and Facebook messenger. Asked to be added to them by your work friends or whoever else. Don't be afraid to create your own. Post in them occasionally to keep them going, even if it's just a funny meme. I now have about five groupchats that I speak in every single day.
If your dp has friends, make an effort with them and their dps. And then get to know their friends, and so on.
I went from a social outcast to a really popular person at the centre of multiple friendship groups and all it took really was being a bit more forward on social media.
It was quite a bit of effort, but my laidback attitude is what made me so friendless in the first place.

Tigerbandage · 25/05/2019 21:43

I’m the same, moved schools age 9 and never made friends from then on!
I’m 38 now
I know loads of people but they are just acquaintances, I’ve never been on a hen do, been a bridesmaid, been to a baby shower or had a party,
We even got married alone with strangers as witnesses
Sometimes I enjoy my own company, I’m a loner at heart I suppose but when DH is off with his friends at the pub etc I feel very lonely
I don’t have any siblings and my adult DD is busy with her friends and boyfriend
Sorry I don’t have any answers I’ve tried all the cliches volunteering/clubs/gym/work/school mums/people from school, nothings ever stuck, just wanted you to know your not the only one
But tbh I feel ashamed and embarrassed, I’m unable to do the most basic human function of making friends

Jellykat · 25/05/2019 21:44

I'm in the same boat OP, middle aged and 'know' a lot of people, but have no-one to even have a coffee with..
The hardest part is when you feel down, or need advice, there's no-one to talk to..
I have been in the same boat since schooldays when i was bullied, but it doesn't get any easier, i just keep myself busy all the time.

OldAndWornOut · 25/05/2019 21:46

I think it's fine when its a choice to be solitary; lots of people say "I enjoy my own company".
I always said the same, but now its week in, week out, year in, year out.
Not much fun.

Mum2jenny · 25/05/2019 21:46

Tbf I'm similar, I have work friends and 'old' friends from past life, but very few friends that have no connection with work or current social life.

SingleDadReally · 25/05/2019 21:47

Hi there,
18 months ago I suffered a similar crisis when my wife abruptly left after 23 years of marriage and I lost my job of 13 years at the same time! I do a lot of cycling so have really good mates from that, but I realised I’d need more to get me out of the house, so I decided to learn to ring the bells at my local church. I now ring at 3 churches and although I’m not exactly a quick learner are at last progressing in this difficult skill. You don’t have to be religious (I’m not) but you obviously have a close human interaction when you’re ringing.
In summary, I think you need to pursue active social hobbies to make friends and always be doing this-but I still feel lonely quite a lot!

Mississippilessly · 25/05/2019 21:48

I'm the same - sort of. DH and I are early thirties. Our beat friends are late sixties. We've holidayed together many times, we just fit so well. I'm very happy when I'm with them.

I've had one 'young holiday'when I was about 19 but I've never had a girls holiday. I do feel sad about it and now I have a baby I cant really see it happening.

Babbabump · 25/05/2019 21:49

If you have acquaintances and people at work - why not be the one to initiate a meal out or meeting for a few drinks ? You could maybe arrange lifts home together or get ready together .... thus getting to know each other more and becoming friends :)

jessicawessica · 25/05/2019 21:49

Same boat here.
Lost touch with friends after school and never really "found my pack" after that.
It would be great if MN had some kind of 'no friends friends group'.

sunshinefinally · 25/05/2019 21:50

Ah another one here...
I thought I had three good friends but recently I don't think so....

  1. Only txts when she wants something or her other friends are away
  2. She only messages about work (work friend and she's very critical of everything I do)
  3. Well friends for 20 years she's god mother to my children we caught up every few weeks until recently she told me my children weren't invited to her wedding (even tho lots of children where going...and we had evening invite she gave me invite 4 weeks before wedding after saying we all including my children where invited to all day ) I couldn't go due to no childcare - now she won't speak to me...

But must admit it's nice to no I'm not the only one who actually has no friends