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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Social services messy house, who’s responsible? Aibu to think both equally responsible?

192 replies

Yb23487643 · 25/05/2019 02:38

My partner wants to report me to social services for our messy house, leave me & take the children. They are infant school age & I work part time to look after them.
He does no cleaning & generally hates me, threatens to leave (I encourage but he doesn’t) & it’s getting me down.
Who would social services think is responsible for the messy house? Me & him equally I’d guess?
And I’ve been there main Carer so not sure how him wanting full custody would go down.
Any experience here?

OP posts:
EnglishRose13 · 25/05/2019 02:50

I don't think SS give a damn about a messy home as long as it's not dangerous.

How messy are we talking?

Though, I think it's the least of your worries...

Alicewond · 25/05/2019 02:54

If you are living in a situation which is unsatisfactory to the upbringing of children then you could both be held accountable. Unless accommodation is safe and secure and hygienic then seeking family members would be the next step, foster care the last. Simply put why are you letting your children live like this if you love them?

Graphista · 25/05/2019 02:55

Get rid of him!

SS wouldn't care if you have a messy house as long as it's not unsafe/hazardous or dirty. Indeed a certain level of mess depending on age of children is not only expected but if house is too clean/tidy that can be an indication of issues too.

Normal family mess won't even register with them.

I have dx ocd with hoarding tendencies when I have my first breakdown my place was a state! I was terrified of letting them in, eventually I was persuaded and she was completely unphased!

My ex has also at times made malicious calls to ss, they've seen my messy home on several occasions over the years and again no problem.

Your man however is a shit! He's emotionally abusive and lazy by the sound of things.

Do you rent? Own? In who's name is the house?

Assuming yours and not his/joint just boot the arse out!

bibbitybobbityyhat · 25/05/2019 03:00

Can you elaborate on messy?

Alicewond · 25/05/2019 03:02

Only you can say what social services will think if they visit your house. Is it cluttered and untidy but clean. Or is it dirty

tolerable · 25/05/2019 03:10

where do you live.? I'm in scotland. theres a anti clutter agenda(check sw/scotgov/home inspection style list. )..even so.womens aid are less judgy and more helpful.threats and intimidation is shite.nobody needs that

Zoflorabore · 25/05/2019 03:27

As a pp has said, i think the messy house is the least of your worries op.

What an absolute shit he is to threaten the mother of his children like this, presuming that it's something that you're struggling to keep on top of, he's an abuser. He knows he's worrying you by mentioning SS. Call his bluff and ask him to invite them round to see exactly how you're being treated.

Please try not to worry. As long as your children are well fed and clothed and are sleeping in decent beds etc and the basics are covered i.e. Toilets clean, dishes washed and house generally ticking over then you have nothing to worry about on that front.

Please don't put up with his behaviour. Is there anyone you can speak to ie a good friend or family member or even the children's school?
Contrary to belief, SS will want to help and support you rather than swoop in and remove the children.

Wishing you lots of luck, you will be well supported on hereFlowers

Purpleartichoke · 25/05/2019 03:44

Social services doesn’t even care if your house isn’t particularly clean. You can even have dust bunnies and dirty dishes.

You deserve better than someone who treats you like this.

Blondebakingmumma · 25/05/2019 04:22

Sounds like he enjoys threatening you. He threatens to leave but doesn’t, threatens SS but probably know they won’t take kids away from a messy home. He sounds delightful

OneRingToRuleThemAll · 25/05/2019 04:30

Just leave him then there is less mess to deal with. He can take his mess with him.

mathanxiety · 25/05/2019 04:50

Your partner is being abusive. He is threatening you with taking the children because he knows this would hurt you deeply.

This is a bog standard threat from an abusive man - they tend to follow a well worn script.

SS would not be interested unless your home is a pigsty and your children are neglected physically and emotionally.

You need to take steps to get this man out of your house and out of your lives.

Call Women's Aid 0808 2000 247.

Leave a message - they most likely will not answer your call when you make it but they will call you back at a time that is convenient for you that you tell them in your message). You need advice on dealing with this abuse, and advice on ending the relationship.

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 25/05/2019 05:05

He's being an arse but they're at school and you work part time so I'd say you have greater responsibility to keep the place clean and tidy if you're home more

blackcat86 · 25/05/2019 05:21

Step 1: kick out horrible abusive partner
Step 2: clean up house
How many children of what ages do you have OP? Ss would actually be more interested in the emotional abuse you're suffering than typically family mess unless the home is unsafe or unsanitary. Dirty nappies everywhere, rotten food, vermin/flies, etc would be an issue. Toys out, a bit of dust and not having folded your washing wouldn't be of interest to them.

Nanna50 · 25/05/2019 06:08

I agree with mathanxiety I think social services would be more interested in the emotional neglect / abuse and you should phone woman's aid and get help to get rid of this man.

I have been in some very messy houses and if it's a danger / health hazard etc then yes it matters. IF your house is messy that can be addressed. A messy house can be a cause or a symptom.

You working part time doesn't absolve him of his responsibility though. And a better man would be looking at how to resolve the problem not use threats.

londonrach · 25/05/2019 06:12

Ss more likely to judge you if you have a tidy house. Normal family messyness means children are being children and playing. If too tidy its a warning sign for ss. Ive a friend who visits families. This is normal family messyness...if youve poo in bags on floor and other bits thats different. Get rid of partner!

Amibeingdaft81 · 25/05/2019 06:21

This sounds a truly horrible environment for your children

Not the messy house (although that’s not going to be pleasant for them) but the toxic relationship between their parents

Something has to change

Amibeingdaft81 · 25/05/2019 06:22

Why is it so messy?

herculepoirot2 · 25/05/2019 06:27

It’s not about blame, OP. The question will be related to the welfare of the children: when you say “messy”, if you mean “squalid”, that is a concern because it affects the children. Piles of washing, toys, dishes not done = fine. Filthy bedding, cat poo, a month’s worth of food on the floor, rats = problem for the children and a family needing help.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 25/05/2019 06:30

Amibeingdaft81, your username is very apt.

PregnantSea · 25/05/2019 06:49

Social services don't give a shit about a messy house. However I'm sure your husband, who lives with you and is equally responsible for any mess, calling them to say they need to punish you for the messy house, will be a big red flag to them that he might be an abusive arsehole.

Time to kick him out OP.

LarryGreysonsDoor · 25/05/2019 07:05

Empty threats. He knows that SS wouldn’t care.

I know of a family where the dad worked long hours and the mum was at home. She was really struggling with her mental health and the house got really bad, I’m talking dirty nappies on the floor, bed sheets that the children had wet not being changed, empty dirty food packets all over the place.
SS worked with her to get the place clean and tidy. A friend took the kids in for a week while they did it. Then SS came over every morning to help her get the kids up and washed etc. After a while they were happy she could cope so only checked in every week or so.
At no point was there talk of taking them away.

Weedinosaurus · 25/05/2019 07:10

Do people not have messy houses? I do and I wouldn’t be bothered if SS walked in.
If your children are clean (within reason), appropriately clothed, well fed, attending school and emotionally cared for then a messy house is not a problem...unless it’s to a level where it’s unsafe.

*by my house being messy I mean:
Piles of laundry to iron and put away
Toys out
Dining table covered in craft stuff (we clear to one end to eat)
Dust on a few surfaces as I can never get all rooms done at the same time
Disorganised toiletries in bathrooms
Floor constantly needs mopping/hoovering due to kids and dog running in and out of the garden so it looks like I never clean the floor
Dds bed is often unmade because no matter how many times I ask her, she always ‘forgets’.

Original poster
Yb23487643 · 25/05/2019 07:26

It’s messy cos he doesn’t do anything & im fed up with being the only one & not only have I sacrificed salary to be more stay at home, I am also expected to do 100% of domestic chores so feel like an abused under appreciated servant/slave.

We’re not married & renting. He earns twice what I do so there’s an element of financial control in that I don’t have the finances to leave, deposit etc but could stay where we are if he contributed towards kids as he should. Things would be fine if he did leave. I would then be happy tidying up after my children. Not all his manky socks n pants & unwashed stuff he leaves on the side (next to the empty dishwasher). I’ve just had enough.

I think he’s not leaning & threatening to take kids off me so he doesn’t have to pay me any money for maintenance.

OP posts:
Original poster
Yb23487643 · 25/05/2019 07:27

Ps thanks all for replies & have contacted women’s aid

OP posts:
herculepoirot2 · 25/05/2019 07:28

If he does take the kids it will cost him a lot more than maintenance!

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