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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Social services messy house, who’s responsible? Aibu to think both equally responsible?

192 replies

Yb23487643 · 25/05/2019 02:38

My partner wants to report me to social services for our messy house, leave me & take the children. They are infant school age & I work part time to look after them.
He does no cleaning & generally hates me, threatens to leave (I encourage but he doesn’t) & it’s getting me down.
Who would social services think is responsible for the messy house? Me & him equally I’d guess?
And I’ve been there main Carer so not sure how him wanting full custody would go down.
Any experience here?

OP posts:
checkoutno3please · 25/05/2019 08:34

Call his bluff and tell him to call SS would love to see the response he gets.

Hope you get a way out of this OP Thanks

Hellywelly10 · 25/05/2019 08:36

Fantastic op. My abusive cunt of an ex used to threaten to take dd away and threaten me with ss (once because i had a half bottle of vodka in the fridge). I did call wa they were amazing both in terms of emotional support and legal advise.

mathanxiety · 25/05/2019 08:37

I do really he really doesn’t get it.

This is not about the house. It is about power. He wants it. He wants to take it from you.

He knows what he is doing. He is enjoying seeing you do his bidding, running around frightened of having the children taken from you.

Would you say that in his family of origin his father was placed on a pedestal, the absent, revered figure, off doing the manly money-making while the woman stayed home and she and the children were all in the same boat as far as the father was concerned - i.e. all equals in waiting for The Great One to return?
Just a theory there - have seen that dynamic in some families where dad returns bearing exotic gifts and tales of foreign lands while poor old mum ends up looking like the one with the boring life and plays bad cop most of the time because dad is off swashbuckling....

mathanxiety · 25/05/2019 08:38

I do really he really doesn’t get it.
This should have italics ^^ in my post.

Amibeingdaft81 · 25/05/2019 08:38

If he threatens SS involvement and you actually are questioning whether its possible they would intervene, then it suggests there is a serious problem. I'm a slattern but would feel zero concern about someone calling ss, as it just looks a bit untidy.

Women’s aid? You’ve contacted women’s aid? WTAF

TriciaH87 · 25/05/2019 08:39

Pack his bags and throw him out. For a start less stuff in the house means less mess. One less person making mess. Social services will not give a stuff about an untidy house if the kids are warm fed clean in general. His a lazy....... If he took the kids he would have to clean up after them but he can't even do that now when he would only have to tidy some of the mess. Boot him out the door you will be better off than dealing with a controlling bully.

Original poster
Yb23487643 · 25/05/2019 08:41

I think that SS would not care about the level of mess in my house, the sanitary bits are sanitary except for kitchen floor when he drops food & doesn’t pick it up. Kids are clean, clothes clean. Clothes often in piles in bedrooms rather than in wardrobes.
I just wondered really if he would be like Pictish said basically dobbing himself in as much as me & that it would flag to SS that he’s not doing it & bizarrely expecting me to do it all. I’m happy to be an unpaid servsnt to my kids but not him. I wish he’d leave & we’d all be happier.
I would leave if I had more money.
Threw me a bit last night when he said he’d take them with him & use the messy house to punish me.
As if all the unpaid drudgery isn’t enough in itself.
I’m currently doing all the washing while he lays in bed. Have encouraged him to take kids out by himself to get used to his new lifestyle but he’s still asleep.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 25/05/2019 08:44

It can be quite jarring for someone with that image of mum and dad to have a partner who has enough of a streak of independence to have a job, and who expects him, The Great One, to do anything around the house they share, especially if his father was treated like visiting royalty when he was home and he thinks he is entitled to the same treatment. Plus there can be the element of feeling threatened by a woman who has expectations of him, and a sense that 'women's work' is beneath him.

Original poster
Yb23487643 · 25/05/2019 08:46

Tbf his mum was all glamorous & had home helps so Dad was glamorised but so was she. He just doesn’t want to get it. You’re right it is control and he’d have little if he actually left.
I am saving but it takes time.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 25/05/2019 08:46

Women’s aid? You’ve contacted women’s aid? WTAF

It's emotional and psychological abuse, and coercive control.

Do you have an issue with the law of the land, AmIBeingDaft?

Or do you labour under the misapprehension that abuse must always leave black eyes and broken bones?

Original poster
Yb23487643 · 25/05/2019 08:49

I think in a loving relationship this wouldn’t be an issue. I see my friends partners working full time & of course it’s a struggle but it’s do-able when there’s 2 of you pitching in

OP posts:
Jammydodger1981 · 25/05/2019 08:50

@Amibeingdaft81

I’ve reported your nasty post. As math says this is abuse and not allowed. Yours is a disgusting attitude.

darkriver19886 · 25/05/2019 08:50

From personal experience... They will hold you both responsible.

Original poster
Yb23487643 · 25/05/2019 08:52

I think both responsible is fair enough. I do feel like I’m doing more than my share already but that’s difficult for anyone to tell. Thank you for sharing xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Yb23487643 · 25/05/2019 08:53

Thank you jammy dodger & math.
It’s water off a ducks back to me, haters gonna hate, but right to call them out, thank you

OP posts:
darkriver19886 · 25/05/2019 08:53

Sorry pressed send to soon. My ex husband refused to help with our DD and the house. Social Services knew this but still held us both responsible. However, they soon realised how useless and abusive he was.

I agree with posters who said to take pictures if you can.

Original poster
Yb23487643 · 25/05/2019 08:55

I am doing that now. Thank you xx

OP posts:
changeznameza · 25/05/2019 08:57

I was in a very similar relationship to this, constant threats to call SS, over silly things. And he never helped with housework, even though I also had a job. But created mess and blamed me.

I took an interest free loan from my employer to pay deposit on another rented flat and moved me and the kids out one day while he was at work. Paid the loan back gradually via salary. Later ended up being able to claim some housing benefit as my salary was low.

It has not been an easy road but I'm so glad I don't have to live with that any more

Good luck, he sounds like a dick

Original poster
Yb23487643 · 25/05/2019 09:00

Thank you so much. I think I need do something as this wanting the kids came out of the blue last night. I have other stresses which will get worse over the next couple of years & need get out before my reserves are worn more thin. I know it will be better but just feels like an uphill struggle.

OP posts:
wishingforapositiveyear · 25/05/2019 09:03

Social services would not bat an eyelid at a messy house. If it was utter squalor e.g. No bedding , faeces and urine around house , bed bugs or hazardous for the kids - they might think neglect but a few clothes and in mopped floor no.

Amibeingdaft81 · 25/05/2019 09:05

This man is being an utter twat. No doubt about that.

But on the basis of what the OP has told us, i don’t think it’a any where close to justifying women’s aid attention.

He’s said that the house is so messy that he will call social services.

Twatty thing to say. And utterly stupid. But fact that OP concerned would imply that his threat re the mess would indicate the house is in a seriously bad way.

Look he sounds like a shitty partner. But it really doesn’t sound like anything women’s aid should be involved in when they are so squeezed anyway

Amibeingdaft81 · 25/05/2019 09:06

When you contacted women’s aid OP, what did they say?

TooMinty · 25/05/2019 09:08

De-clutter your life by getting rid of him OP x
He doesn't really want to take the kids, that's an empty threat to try and control you - he can't even be bothered to do something with them for a couple of hours on a Saturday, there's no way he wants to look after them 24/7. And think of the squalor he'd live in without you, he can't even tidy up after himself. He's a pathetic excuse for an adult.

Amibeingdaft81 · 25/05/2019 09:10

My OH goes a bit “delegate-y” at home as he does in work. I call him out on it & tell him to do it himself

The OP posted this on another thread Confused

SchadenfreudePersonified · 25/05/2019 09:11

He's a nasty piece of work.

I would stop doing his washing and ironing. Cook and wash up for yourself and the kids, but leave that him to sort himself, even if it means eating at different times.

If he leaves dirty clothes etc on the floor and doesn't clear them up - stick them in the bin (Though you'll have to be prepared for retaliation if you do this)

Unless your houses wall-to-wall rats and cockroaches the SS won't be too worried, as long as your kids are healthy and clean in themselves.

How is he with your children? Do they feel intimidated by his nasty spiteful comments to you, or have you managed to protect them totally from him? You may think you have, but kids pick up on these things.