Social services messy house, who’s responsible? Aibu to think both equally responsible?

[Yb23487643]

My partner wants to report me to social services for our messy house, leave me & take the children. They are infant school age & I work part time to look after them.
He does no cleaning & generally hates me, threatens to leave (I encourage but he doesn’t) & it’s getting me down.
Who would social services think is responsible for the messy house? Me & him equally I’d guess?
And I’ve been there main Carer so not sure how him wanting full custody would go down.
Any experience here?

I bet your house isn’t even messy, @OP

My husband also harasses me about how “disgusting” the house is and how “embarrassed” he is. That he grew up in an immaculate house and that’s what his standards are. None of this is true, and he instead grew up in a filthy cesspool with alcoholic, chain smoking parents. And while our house isn’t spotless, it’s pretty bloody clean. I’ve asked plenty of people, including the brutally honest, and they concur. Bastard.

He’s trying to make you feel like a failure. He’s chipping away at your confidence and taking active stabs at your ability to be a good mother to wear you down. And then threatening to take the kids because he knows where to hit you where it hurts. This all sounds way too familiar to me.

I guarantee both you and I will be as a PP mentioned and thrive once we break away, while they wilt without the ability to vampire our power and energy from us because they don’t have the capacity to create it for themselves. I agree it’s taking that first step to leave that will be difficult. I also reckon it will get harder before it gets better. But the sense of relief I imagine I’ll feel once I leave my husband and don’t have to cop the endless daily criticism and negativity anymore... wow.

Good luck

I don’t know if LL has more properties but that’s an idea.
& @anotherphantompooer thanks, I think you’re largely right too. My house is less nice than I’d like but friends say basically normal & its most sad when I don’t have kids friend’s or neighbours round cos of it. Wishing you all the best too xxxxx

We’ll get through it

Sorry about the name, BTW! Had been responding to another thread.

You ask what is he going to do with the video, well I think that he will show it to anyone who seems in the slightest bit sympathetic, he'll put it on Facebook, email you it, email anyone he can get to feel sorry for him. In the circumstAnces I'd be suggesting that actually you take photos of his stuff and if possible of him kicking the children's stuff around, nasty bastard. I imagine he will also look at it to wind himself up, sort of abuse porn
The ex did this sort of thing, he videoed himself shouting at me telling lies about how I was stopping him taking his stuff (actually our stuff). He also took photos and videos of me looking sad after he had upset me, also of me. Crying in public as he was berating me. He would periodically show me them to show me what a miserable cow I was. Videoing and photographing will only get worse, and it is already abusive. Good luck in the difficult times ahead,

I think that as you are not married and you are renting, it is easier in the long run to just drop your end of the rope and move you and your DC into a new place. Leave him to stew in his own juice.
A smaller place would be cheaper and there would be no room for him.

Trying to get him to move out is just giving him another stick to beat you with. He is enjoying winding you up.

I’d suggest you ignore advice to video or film each other,it’s provocative and needlessly ramps ups the tension
You’re relationship is dysfunctional,probably over. Nothing yiu capture on camera will change that

... low level non physical abuse/bad situations are difficult to leave.

It's important to remember that the ultimate aim of abuse is to convince the victim that she has no choice other than to stay put and tolerate the abuse.

Emotional and psychological abuse often has a deep impact on your self esteem and your perception of how the world works.

You posted here from the perspective of a woman under the thumb of this abusive man, asking if SS would really take your children away from you. He has ground you down to the extent that you are ashamed of your home and don't have people over. He has succeeded in partially isolating you.

The other details you have supplied - the financial abuse, leaving when the children were small, and being on the verge of leaving last year, all point to an abusive dynamic that has been going on for years.

That he would kick the children's toys around speaks volumes about the abusiveness here.

Clear up what you can and take photos while he is gone out. Next time he gets destructive like that again, call the police. Kicking things around is like pounding walls or mistreating a pet - it is intended to be physically threatening, a foretaste of the violence he is hinting he is capable of. Taping the mess he created is quite pathetic but the aim is to make you afraid. He is trying to make you afraid of standing up to him and asserting yourself. This represents an escalation of the conflict.

I would call Women's Aid again if they have not yet called you back and report that he has kicked the children's toys around.

Women's Aid are going to be more helpful to you right now than SS. You need advice on housing, on how to get him to leave, or how to find a place for yourself and the children.

SS will not come in and referee the situation between you and him, or tell him who is right and who is wrong in this situation.

Nor will WA. WA will offer assistance in leaving, advise you of your rights, offer counselling. They will give you the strength to end this relationship and offer the resources you need to stay safe.

You need to tidy op. Round my way they take it house a tip.

When my 8yr old dd was a baby, I joined a group at the local surestart centre and became really good friends with 2 women, one much younger than me and one a few years older.
When the group finished we continued to meet up, usually at my house and occasionally at the lady closer to my age.

Our younger friend kept making excuses to why we couldn't go to her house and eventually said it was because her house was a mess and she felt embarrassed because ours were really nice etc.

We didn't care about her house being messy and reassured her that we were her friends and if she needed any help then we would be there for her. She decided to have a tidy up and invited us around for lunch in a weeks time. The morning of the lunch she said she had been up until the early hours cleaning and tidying and we were really proud of her, until we actually got there.

It wasn't messy at all. It was beyond filthy and everywhere was covered in dirt and dust. I can only imagine how bad it was before she spent "hours cleaning" and I couldn't even use the toilet when desperate as it was so bad.
We never went back.

So there's messy op and there's dirty, filthy dirty. She was under the illusion that her house was "messy" and didn't seem to notice the squalor she was living in. There is a huge difference.

That poor child!

The type of dirty SS care about is poo on the floor, walls or bath. Food weeks old lying around in the floor. That type of thing. Basically a place that is a health hazard. OP has already said her place is not like that.

How could anyone live like that?

Cleaning will boost her mood x op wish you all the best

OP I think you should post this thread on the relationship board. And please leave this joke of a man, he's really pathetic.

I rarely come on post encouraging to break the relationship but this case is completely different.

You work, parent and run the house and he does nothing at all. And ignore the posters asking you how messy your house is, or criticizing, or saying he might just be exasperated. He's abusive and threatening to involve the SS is just a form of control he jas om you.

To other posters: not sure how telling the OP how spotless your house is, or how your friend lives in a filthy place is of any help, since OP seems to be working her ass off already.

You need to tidy op

Fucking hell, have you even read the thread!? Ignore this shit op.

You need to tidy op.

The only thing she NEEDS to do is to get rid of the abusive arsehole.

Thank you formerbabe & sarcasm. I know it’s an Internet forum so you get all sorts & people don’t think there’s repercussions to putting people down but there kind of is. It is water off a ducks back to me but subconsciously isn’t very good or helpful to have the negative stuff.

I will post there thanks Peggysue..

And it was horrible that he’s threatening to take my kids but has propelled me to speed up the declutter, starting with him.

I don’t hate him tho I should, and am mostly just exhausted from him. It feels clear that other than financially we’d be much better apart & it has been this way for years. There’s loads more stuff than I have the energy to document here.

Thank you all very much for your time & input I really really appreciate it xxxx

& @zoflorabore I’m guessing by your username that you might be a bit more hinchy than your average woman? Might be wrong.

Mine are a lot bigger now but I’d say that early baby age can be more difficult for some than others. I hope your friend was ok & was adequately supported.

When my partner left when our child was little I had Homestart help for 2 hours a week or fortnight & all I did was clean when she was there cos I had a very clingy baby & it was difficult otherwise. Homestart were a complete life saver for me without local family support.

I’d really recommend them to anyone needing help, I think you need a HV or GP referral but might be wrong,

I remember my ex screeching at me about the state of the house and u look back at photos now and it looked spotless. There were s few toys out and some mugs by the sink. And our son was poorly and ex worked away all week. Getting rid of him was (to borrow your words op) the best bit of decluttering I ever did.

^^ This - was my experience too NeverTwerkNaked.

And the kicker is that when we divorced and I visited exH's apartment and then his house a couple of times, I noticed a smell, same smell in both, quite unpleasant, like rancid grease in a not very nice restaurant. There was visible dirt - the arms of the couch had stains, there was a dull beige patch around light switches and on doors. Stains on the counters. The kitchen sink had a film on it. Something had crawled into the fridge and died. Mildew in the bathrooms, layers of soap scum in baths and sinks, grubby bath towels, and the bathroom floors could have used a good scrubbing. The residences were tidy, because he was the only person living there and he had only furniture, very few books, no knick knacks.

Yb23487643

Post all the rest of it in Relationships. You will get lots of support.

Just seen you only have a month to go on the lease - try to find somewhere else for you and DC, get help from WA etc then just leave when the lease is up and he can fuck off and fend for himself.

Honestly, this is just one big power trip to him. He won’t call SS and even if he does, let him. They won’t find a dirty house, they will find a very usual slightly messy family home and it will only serve to embarrass him. You can explain to the SW who visits that your partner maliciously phoned them because he controls you and refuses to leave, they may offer some help.

Glad you have contacted women’s aid, work towards getting the fucker out of your home.

The OP’s house is no more messy than anyone else’s with young DC from what she’s described. It’s also very apparent that she’s a great mum. This is all about her OH undermining her; creating mess for her to clean up is appalling.

I’m glad you’ve contacted Women’s Aid, OP. They will know how to advise you on how to get yourself and your DC away from this man, which is what you need to do.

Don’t let him scare you into giving into his demands. He’s not going to call SS on you and he won’t want full custody, it’s all idle threats to intimidate you.

Good luck.

I think as the part-time worker, you in particular need to get your finger out.