Social services messy house, who’s responsible? Aibu to think both equally responsible?

[Yb23487643]

My partner wants to report me to social services for our messy house, leave me & take the children. They are infant school age & I work part time to look after them.
He does no cleaning & generally hates me, threatens to leave (I encourage but he doesn’t) & it’s getting me down.
Who would social services think is responsible for the messy house? Me & him equally I’d guess?
And I’ve been there main Carer so not sure how him wanting full custody would go down.
Any experience here?

@Dieu she's a part time worker and main carer for her kids. Not wanting to be a main carer for a fucking grownup too does not mean she doesn't do enough. Any grownup dumping their dirty shit all over the house expecting someone else to pick after them is a twat,regardless of employed status.

Agree with sarcasm, why is it the woman’s job to keep the house clean while the useless bloke does nothing around the house or with the children??

@Dieu

You must have missed this post from the op...

Attempted family tidy, got verbal abuse & he kicked kids toys around then videoed house blaming me for piles of mess

Honestly op, competitive cleaning is s hobby nowadays for some women. Ignore!

Sod the gender roles. I'd always want my children to live in a clean safe home. Even if I'm doing all the work.

Op how are you feeling?

Op if he's being like this can you go to your parents? Sisters?anyones?

@orangeballoon the social network would take the kids if the house is state.

the social sorry

Hi, I’m ok, had day out with the kids, back to same old same old.

I get the competitive cleaning thing, I used to be a cleaner & do enjoy it under the right circumstances but these aren’t them.

It’s really really nice & reassuring to hear from the people who’ve been in similar situations & are through the other side.

It seems v much that he doesn’t mean it & is all part of his desperately controlling nature & we both know it’s over, it’s just that I’ll be better off after splitting up & he won’t & so he’s punishing me instead.

I can’t do much at the mo given financial situation & it’s a bank hol & he’s around so I’ve not phoned any help services etc. My family that would normally help are poorly and can’t & I don’t want to stress them out.

I think “the mess” is realistically way below social services level of interest & just reassuring that he’s wrong thinking he could threaten me cos it would be just as much his responsibility.

And the mess is a bit better now, I’m slowly working through it but is honestly soul destroying doing everything & him still being a lazy messy passive aggressive tw-t....

Thanks for everyone being so supportive.

I’m just thinking it was definitely way messier when it we had health visitor visits when kids were babies & the 2 yo visit & none of them complained tho I would’ve apologised for the mess then. I guess it’s just way below what I’d want & the only thing stopping us from having a nice house is the relationship. Which sounds weird but those who have been in similar situations know what I mean.

Yb stop being worried about the mess .

He has clearly terrified you.

Thanks, he has. And this thread had been for the most part really reassuring xxx

Most areas have some support known as early help / early intervention, which is supportive for families who need help but not at social care level. Helpfully they are called different things depending where you live, but have a look on your council website. The ones I know accept self referral, but if yours doesn't, try either support staff from the children's school, or your GP. Real life support might be helpful, although there will probably be a waiting list. If there is, get on it sooner rather than later!

We know that when someone repeatedly says something people begin to believe it. (Good or bad) He is constantly telling you your home is a mess and so you believe it and it makes you anxious. He makes it messy to up the anti and uses it as a stick to beat you with.

As pp said there should be Early help in your area and you will meet all of the criteria. Their role is to respond to the family need in a coordinated way bringing services together to meet your needs. If your LA are doing it well they can help you with housing, deposits, schools, health, DV, finances, anything that YOU feel is important.

Perhaps if you contact homestart they will get the ball rolling? If they do not do it they should know who does. It takes some of the pressure of you as it can feel overwhelming to leave and negotiate obstacles in your way. They are not SS.

Him telling you he will leave, but not yet, is abusive and controlling and designed to make you feel insecure by telling you he can pull the rug from under you at any time. Using your children is a contemptuous attempt to keep you in your place.

He is attempting to grind you down to the point where you have no energy to leave him or believe you are useless without him. He is too arrogant to see that videoing the mess shows ‘him’ up for the sloth he is or that you might actually find the strength and support to leave.

Good luck.

www.nytimes.com/2019/06/11/upshot/why-women-but-not-men-are-judged-for-a-messy-house.html?fbclid=IwAR30sffkWsyl9t_pqCdXTOuUimelA6Rcy7EEn-gKO0xtSwL_59izWarn4IY

A couple of weeks have gone by, on page 1 you phoned Womens Aid - whats the update ?

How is it going op?