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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Social services messy house, who’s responsible? Aibu to think both equally responsible?

192 replies

Yb23487643 · 25/05/2019 02:38

My partner wants to report me to social services for our messy house, leave me & take the children. They are infant school age & I work part time to look after them.
He does no cleaning & generally hates me, threatens to leave (I encourage but he doesn’t) & it’s getting me down.
Who would social services think is responsible for the messy house? Me & him equally I’d guess?
And I’ve been there main Carer so not sure how him wanting full custody would go down.
Any experience here?

OP posts:
MereDintofPandiculation · 25/05/2019 09:12

I agree with posters who said to take pictures if you can. It might also be worth taking pictures and keeping records of your children's positive relationship with you. If he did try to take the children, he shouldn't get far, as courts work from what's best for the children. But having evidence that they're best with you is a good idea, if only to bolster your own confidence and ability to present your case.

Tensixtysix · 25/05/2019 09:12

Messy or dirty? As long as the carpet isn't encrusted with pet faeces and crawling with maggots, then SS don't care!
When I was a home carer for the elderly I saw VERY BAD conditions, but again, social services do not care.
But even if you work part time, you need to keep on top of it.
I clean other people's houses (7 each week) and I still manage to do my own.
And my DH doesn't do anything either.
No excuse to let it get bad.

Original poster
Yb23487643 · 25/05/2019 09:13

It’s the coercive & financial control I need help with. I e mailed women’s aid last night as he’s in the house & I can’t talk. Was hoping for advice rather than seeking shelter from them. Do u think I shouldn’t do that?
He’s being quite threatening & it feels abusive. When I wasn’t working he’d nearly starve me & I had to borrow money for food from my Dad. Definite financial abuse in the past.

OP posts:
Tensixtysix · 25/05/2019 09:14

...And get rid of the biggest trash pile...HIM!

NotDavidTennant · 25/05/2019 09:15

My partner wants to report me to social services for our messy house, leave me & take the children.

He's saying this just to scare you. If he can't even pick up his own dirty pants, then there's no way he's going to look after your children on his own.

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 25/05/2019 09:23

Using threats and using the children against you is coercive control.
Please don't doubt yourself because of one poster who isn't an expert.

PyongyangKipperbang · 25/05/2019 09:35

They all threaten to take the kids. Its like the last weapon in their arsenal, they use it when nothing else is working to get you back in your box, because they know that the kids are our weak spot.

Think logically. A man who will not pick up his own dirty socks is not going to want to run around after the kids will he? He cant be a caregiver now, with you doing the donkey work, he is hardly going to do it on his own.

Shelf this under S, sub section C, for Stupid Cunt behaviour and work on your plan to get out.

x

Quartz2208 · 25/05/2019 09:38

Please ignore the poster who said you should not contact them as you should as you need clear advice

FriedEggsAndMushrooms · 25/05/2019 09:41

Ltb!! What a twat.

Laserbird16 · 25/05/2019 09:42

If he wasn the abusing you I would be inclined to go full time and then pay for a cleaner or what other services you need but ...

Fuck him, get out asap! His threats and treatment of you are unacceptable. Go full time and save a deposit and if possible speak to your employer about family friendly shifts as I'm sure he'll want you on the hook if there are extra childcare fees.

I'm so sorry this hashappened you deserve better

NeverTwerkNaked · 25/05/2019 09:43

Perfectly reasonable to call women's aid.

endofthelinefinally · 25/05/2019 09:49

Check the terms of your lease carefully.
You did the right thing contacting Womens Aid. They will advise you how to leave safely.
It is good that you are not married and renting.
You just need to make sure you can leave without problems around owing rent.

formerbabe · 25/05/2019 09:51

Think logically. A man who will not pick up his own dirty socks is not going to want to run around after the kids will he? He cant be a caregiver now, with you doing the donkey work, he is hardly going to do it on his own

I agree. Vast majority of men who threaten this are bullshitting. They don't want to look after their kids full time, especially when they realise the impact on their career/social life and see what hard work it is.

DippyAvocado · 25/05/2019 09:53

He sounds absolutely awful and you should look into whatever steps possible to get rid of him.

Also, what absolute bollocks is spouted by some people in this thread about part-time workers.

The part time worker should pick up 80 / 90% of chores in my opinion

My DH works full-time, I work part-time (0.75). I work 25% less than him so I would expect to do 25% more household tasks than him (in which I include child-related tasks like homework and taking to extra-curricular activities etc). It does not mean the part-time worker does 90-100% of household jobs, including picking up the DP's dirty socks from the kitchen surface where he has left them. Luckily my DH is not an arsehole so does his share.

Original poster
Yb23487643 · 25/05/2019 09:53

Attempted family tidy, got verbal abuse & he kicked kids toys around then videoed house blaming me for piles of mess. And is now going out. Still not picked up his 2 x lager cans or taken yesterday’s dinner plate out of living room. No idea what he intends do to with video but not much I can do about it & it’s his mess too. I videoed him back for the good it’d do. Gonna just knackered myself yet again for the final tune tidying up this place on my own & really get him to give notice tonight. Really hope the landlord lets us stay here for the sake of the kids, it’s the only house they remember & to save needing deposit & estate agent fees etc that I haven’t got.

OP posts:
Original poster
Yb23487643 · 25/05/2019 09:54

Time not tune

OP posts:
TildaTurnip · 25/05/2019 09:54

Social workers can see fairly quickly what is going on in most cases. He sounds horrible and I agree with those who say he’s using the children to threaten you because that’s what you care most about.

Original poster
Yb23487643 · 25/05/2019 09:56

Thank you mostly all for being so supportive. My close friends are supportive too but not in the middle of the night & all have their own little kids to be dealing with. And the family I have left have very serious health problems at the mo & I don’t want to upset them with more of this.

OP posts:
endofthelinefinally · 25/05/2019 09:57

Who's name is on the lease?
Who pays the rent?

LIZS · 25/05/2019 09:57

Can you have a container into which to deposit his clutter and set aside? Well done for contacting wa. . Make sure your dc have clean clothes and are cared for, but you also need to consider the impact the behaviour they witness may be having. That will become their "normal". Depending how old dc are you can also involve them in tidying and cleaning. Keep on top of hygiene and your dc rooms. There is a difference between messy and unsanitary. As long as you are prioritising your dc needs you should have little to fear from ss. Have you spoken to their school?

Original poster
Yb23487643 · 25/05/2019 09:58

I’m half tempted to speak to SS first. But am worried it’d be ridiculous. I dont really know what I’d say. I doubt they’d send someone to do the housework he should be doing, pick up his cans & pants & give me motivation to leave!

OP posts:
Original poster
Yb23487643 · 25/05/2019 10:00

Does anybody work in SS & know if they would be able to help? Will be fine once he’s left tho. Is just ridiculous & you’re right I don’t want my kids growing up like this. It has come to a head in the past couple of weeks as I’ve been a bit ill & just had low reserves to keep on top of everything so prioritised the essentials

OP posts:
Original poster
Yb23487643 · 25/05/2019 10:08

I also have friends & family who want to come round & help me deuterium kids stuff & get things straight but then he wrecks it & back to square 1 again & people don’t wanna keep doing what they see as his work

OP posts:
Original poster
Yb23487643 · 25/05/2019 10:09

Declutter not deuterium lol

OP posts:
AnnabelleBronstein · 25/05/2019 10:16

Are your children seeing the two of you arguing and videoing each other? You owe it to them to give them a safe environment to grow up in where people aren’t angry and aggressive all the time. You say saving money takes time, but you need to make leaving him the priority and sort the finances out as best you can with what is currently available to you.