Social services messy house, who’s responsible? Aibu to think both equally responsible?

[Yb23487643]

My partner wants to report me to social services for our messy house, leave me & take the children. They are infant school age & I work part time to look after them.
He does no cleaning & generally hates me, threatens to leave (I encourage but he doesn’t) & it’s getting me down.
Who would social services think is responsible for the messy house? Me & him equally I’d guess?
And I’ve been there main Carer so not sure how him wanting full custody would go down.
Any experience here?

I don't think ss would be interested in a bit of clutter and general mess. However would you feel better if people came to help, then it might be easier to clean and if he did carry out his threats you have witnesses etc that can vouch for you.

It all sounds like hot air and control to be honest and you know he needs to go. He is too lazy to try and take your kids. But document everything you can in the meantime. Things he says/does that are abusive. Important documents etc keep them safe and out of the house if possible . Look at the entitled to website see what you can claim as a single parent. Give prepared and get advice from agencies mentioned. Email is good as you have a paper trail of contact too.

"When I wasn’t working he’d nearly starve me & I had to borrow money for food from my Dad"

dreadful abuse.

SS won’t care about this at all, if it’s the level of mess you describe, but it’s also worth saying they won’t get involved persuading him to pull his weight either. As long as the children are safe they don’t care who does it or what the division of labour looks like.

Also, the solution looks on the face of it, fairly simple. You want to leave, you can leave with a bit of planning, so I would talk to WA and start making your exit plans. SS won’t step into a fairly simple situation like this, relationship breakdowns happen every day.

Women's Aid can help women to get a legal order that makes their abusive partner leave the house. I don't know if this is possible in your situation. But if it is, you won't have to move.
Long shot, but are you in a union? Years ago I got an interest free loan from the union for a house deposit so I could leave an abusive partner.
And of course it is fine to contact Women's Aid. This is abuse and Women's Aid have run campaigns to raise awareness of the kind of abuse he is subjecting you to.

You know yourself SS won't care about a messy house. This is about him threatening you, nothing more. I wouldn't contact SS yourself, just keep talking to Women's Aid for advice and support.

Please get yourself out
Of this shit situation. I had a lazy fucker. Got rid of him and you know what, the mess went with him. Because I have no issue cleaning up after myself and the kids. Also they actually join in when I ask and don't be arseholes about it.
The irony is I now1 have to do a house check before I'm leave the kids at his house as he lives in a shit hole and it's worse than when I was there. Even tho he used to blame all the mess on me.
Go for it op. Free yourself. There's so much more to life than living w1oth his shit.

Both names on lease, he pays rent, I pay bills & childcare & most of the food. He earns twice what I do but bills & childcare end up roughly equivalent to rent

Let him call social services.can you leave a stay with a friend for a while.

Also netmums can be better for practical advice on these matters as they have trained volunteers from Women's Aid who give advice.

One piece of advice is always to collect evidence of any abuse.

He said he was going to leave last year but didnt because of his work circumstances, so he’s meant to leave now but hasn’t. Just the him wanting to take the kids thing came out last night & was scary.
We don’t argue, he blows up sometimes - rarely & they did hear him walking around videoing & kicking the kids toys. They thought he was talking to himself. They deserve better obviously & will get it soon.
I do want him to go but he’s putting it off cos it’ll cost him money. And I’m a bit stuck re money & leaving but need make it happen.
I am in a union, & will look into it, thank you

Does anybody work in SS & know if they would be able to help?

I don't recommend getting SS unnecessarily involved in your life. Ever.

You need to make up your mind what you really want. If you really want him to leave perhaps get therapy and support first, with a view to eventually going solo.

If you want to keep the relationship (its your choice) then would he go relationship counselling?

Dump or keep. something needs to change. You've tried your way it hasn't worked.

I think you might have a problem if the lease is in joint names and he pays the rent.
I am not by any means an expert on this, but I don't think you can make him leave if his name is on the lease.
I don't think the LL would change the lease unless you can prove that you can pay the rent on your own.
When are you due to renew your contract?
Who usually sorts it out?
You may have to look for a smaller place for just you and the DC and move out when your renewal date comes.
Don't tell him until you have it all signed and sealed.
Just don't sign the renewal for your current place.
The DC will cope fine with moving, lots of people have to move house, for all sorts of reasons.

I agree that you shouldn't involve SS.

You can make him leave if his name is on the lease in abuse situations as your name is also on the lease, but there are legal criteria to meet. I don't know if your situation will meet the criteria, but Women's Aid will know.

It’s long past renewal so is just a months notice

What a horrible man. No matter how tidy you keep the house, it sounds like he will deliberately sabotage it.

If you have made the decision to leave-I would tell someone (you mentioned your dad?) and start making a plan.

How long do you have left part time, before you can go back to full time? Will you be able to once the DC are school age?
That would help to get you out of there faster

But yep need LL. to agree. There is a weak connection to landlord through friend of family (realised few months after we moved in) so would be asking for his support really.

Yep will up hours if I can when I can

SS aren't there to sort out peoples arguments about the housework! What a waste of tax payers money. He is an arse just for thinking this.

He's also obviously an abusive bastard to treat you this way. I would.leave him after a threat like that.

Get in touch with womens aid and tell them what he's threatening. Hopefully they will refer you to local domestic abuse organisations who can help you free yourself from him. Also speak to your gp and tell them what he's doing and how it's affecting your mental health. Both may then be able to give evidence so you can get legal aid if you need a solicitor in the future.

It can take a long time to prove abuse and go through legal channels though.
I was just thinking of the easiest and quickest route.
However, if you are on close terms with your LL, that might be helpful OP.
Would your partner take legal action against the LL if the LL made him leave? It is very difficult to ask a tenant to leave if they are paying their rent.

Sounds like an awful environment for your children to be in. A messy house, dirty plates and cans around, dad going round kicking their toys, both parents arguing and filming eachother (wtf??). It's incredibly unhealthy and will damage your children if this carries on.

You and your partner are not good for eachother. You need to be away from him, bring up your children on your own, and get help for keeping on top of things like the housework. I work full time, have an 18 month old and I still manage to keep my house tidy. That's not meaning to be rude but I really think you will feel better not living surrounded by clutter, I know I feel more stressed when the house is a mess.

I’m really hoping still that he’ll leave soon, I really don’t want to uproot kids & struggle financially with deposit etc but if needs be I’ll have to & that’s the difficult bit when working part time & looking after kids in the rest of my waking hours.
He just ford not wanna leave also for financial reasons mostly I think. But can’t carry on like this.
I doubt could get LL to get him to leave. His career would be affected if any convictions so he’d be very keen to avoid that too.
I obv just want a nice life for me n the kids & wish he’d just go. He has the money to do it but is really tight

I was a single parent when he left when kids were younger & was lots easier. Will be fine when he leaves.