Social services messy house, who’s responsible? Aibu to think both equally responsible?

[Yb23487643]

My partner wants to report me to social services for our messy house, leave me & take the children. They are infant school age & I work part time to look after them.
He does no cleaning & generally hates me, threatens to leave (I encourage but he doesn’t) & it’s getting me down.
Who would social services think is responsible for the messy house? Me & him equally I’d guess?
And I’ve been there main Carer so not sure how him wanting full custody would go down.
Any experience here?

Good for you Yb23487643

If the children have heard any of what he has been saying they must be very upset.

I hope WA will be able to offer good advice to you.

I think he’s not leaning & threatening to take kids off me so he doesn’t have to pay me any money for maintenance

You are right. You and the kids don’t have to live like this. Please call womensAid as a PP suggested.

Social Services would probably help with the cleaning if that was the main problem. They things like that to keep a family together.

When you have a chance, take a few dated photos of the mess he creates.

Save the photos to some album that is not named 'The Mess He Creates'

Gradually, and without saying anything, try your best to cut back on any remaining mess. Don't make any dramatic changes. Make sure your kitchen sink sparkles every day even if you end up exhausted. Take dated photos of it over the course of a fortnight or more. Take a few photos of nice clean rooms, piles of laundry folded and ready to be put away.

He may have a few photos of his own that he has taken to prove whatever allegations he has against you. You need to create a he said/ she said situation.
My guess is he is all mouth and no effort, however.

But having a little ammo up your sleeve will give you more confidence.

It really depends on the living environment and I can see two potential scenarios from what you've told us -

1. That your DH is abusive, controlling about the level of the mess, expects a pristine home, issues threats to frighten you. And the house isn't actually that bad (everyone has a bit of mess)

Or

1. The house is very unhygienic, DH is frustrated that you don't clean it as he was under the impression that you would do the lions share of housekeeping when you agreed to go part time, he is genuinely concerned that it is an unfit place to raise children and wants to take them out of it. Refuses to leave because he fears for the children's well-being if he isn't there.

Only you know what your situation is but take a good look at your home and your husband then plan what to do next. Your children can't thrive and grow in either environment.

What nonsense 2 is itscallednicking, If the husband is worried about the state of the house then he can clean and tidy himself. Not threaten with social services.

I’m a little bit confused- did you say you’re annoyed that you sacrificed salary to go part time yet are expected to do more housework? One follows the other when you go PT surely?

Can you elaborate as to why you could afford not to stay where you are with CM paid but not live in a different house with CM paid? Is it the deposit? Is your house particularly cheap?

So he’s essentially proposing (in theory) to report himself to social services for being a lazy cunt?
What a daft bastard.

And btw that’s a great example of ignorance and misogyny at play. This idiot think the social workers will blame his partner for the mess rather than ask him what the fuck he’s doing to rectify the situation.
Ha ha! Absolute numbnut!

But it depends on whether were talking hoarding type dirty house or just a bit of mess. If he threatens SS involvement and you actually are questioning whether its possible they would intervene, then it suggests there is a serious problem. I'm a slattern but would feel zero concern about someone calling ss, as it just looks a bit untidy.

So if you do have a significant issue, regardless of whether your partner is a dick or not, nows the time to handle it. Growing up in an unclean house can affect you later in life. Agree he can do it too, but ultimately it just has to be done for the sake of the DCs, politics aside.

He's an arse. However what do you class as messy? The part time worker should pick up 80 / 90% of chores in my opinion

He's an abusive dickhead. Used threats to make you jump through his hoops. If he hates the mess so much he can pick it up..even better he could put his shit where it belongs to begin with. But he obviously is too impressed to do that.

Call his bluff and tell him to go right ahead. SS's main concern will be his behaviour,maliciousness and threats.

Call Women's Aid and get help.

You and your kids deserve better.

I guess I feel I’ve gone part time to raise my kids rather than be an unpaid domestic. Other friends in similar positions the partner contributes to cleaning & tidying, maybe 70:30.
I also think there’s nothing to stop him from tidying.
Things generally messy not dirty but I gave shift work so if I have a run of 2-3 long days or nights I come home to a sh-thole I don’t have the energy to clean.
He’s never used the hoover or cleaned the bathroom.
Kids always clean & bathroom tidy.
He drops loads of stuff on the kitchen floor & it breaks my heart to me in my knees scrubbing it.

Thank you for all the support
& bent coppers, he thinks 2 & I think 1.
I guess SS would hold him equally responsible for mess or not cleaning it rather than calling SS.
I don’t think he’d actually do it either, I think it’s all part of coercive control which I think is illegal behaviour now

So glad you’ve contacted Women’s Aid. There would be thousands of children in care If social workers removed those who lived in one. He sounds a lazy slob and a nasty one at that.

He grew up with SAHM & home helps & father mostly absent on business. I do really he really doesn’t get it.

& yes I’d struggle to raise the deposit to move to another house & on my wages could just about afford it alone but probs not if assessed officially. I’d be left with £550 a month after rent which would barely cover bills & food. Would be affordable with cm.

Many years ago someone reported my Mil to social services because she is a hoarder and has ocd which means she doesn’t like to throw anything out and has a panic attack if anyone does.

Social services came round said yes it’s very clutted but wasn’t an issue as there was only her living there so weren’t bothered, too be honest social services have better thing to do than worry about a messy house.

this is the must judgmental comment Ive ever read. Messy house, does not equal not loving your kids.

Ps I suggest having a family tidy where everyone does it for an hour but he refuses to tidy or clean on “his day off”.

So he’s essentially proposing (in theory) to report himself to social services for being a lazy cunt?
What a daft bastard.

Exactly!

I don't have any experience of ss but I'd imagine unless your home is unsanitary and unsafe, ss wouldn't give a dam if there's a basket of laundry sitting around or the stairs need hoovering.

If he threatens SS involvement and you actually are questioning whether its possible they would intervene, then it suggests there is a serious problem.

Not necessarily a problem with the state of the house.

The OP honestly believing the partner could be the result of being constantly criticised and put down for a long time, with the abusive partner chipping away mercilessly at her self esteem and implying that he is superior and all knowing.

I appreciate this isn't quite the same scenario but... My DH has hoarding issues. It was becoming unsafe for the dc so I booted him out for a while. He got himself into therapy whilst I decluttered and tidied the house before he came back. The massive takeaway I got from that is that my home is far easier to keep clean when he isn't around. Whilst he is very good at certain chores, tidying isn't one of them and he's prone to leaving stuff everywhere which the dc massively pick up from him. You may find the same if your DP leaves.

When I've read stories about abused children like Baby P, social workers often visit houses with animal shit on the wall but still don't take the kids away. Even if there's so much dust that a child with asthma is wheezing all of the time I'm not sure they'd take children away. It's about control and making you feel shit. People who don't know what it's like to look after kids on their own imagine it as much easier than it really is and that SAHM are skivers from work.

Great advice mathanxiety

I think photos will not only be helpful for op to "prove" that things get done, not that she should do or have to of course but this man child she's with likes playing games.

Also, it will serve as a reminder to op that she is keeping the house nice and will hopefully build on her self esteem by looking at the photos of everywhere looking nice when she may be feeling low.
Hope that makes sense!