Is my life actually too busy or am I just not coping?

[tenderoni]

I'd really appreciate some opinions. I feel like I'm constantly on the go, I never prioritise my needs, and I struggle if I have to fit in anything on top of 'normal life' (like when work gets really busy, or even something that should be nice, like booking a holiday). I'd really like to fit in regular exercise and eat better but I can't for the life of me see how. I just feel busy busy busy (and not in an "I'm so important and I’m showing off" type of way, more like it's affecting my mental health and wellbeing). I'll try to include relevant details.

I have a toddler, a husband, a full-time academic job (compressed hours so that I can spend a day a week with my son). My husband works 4 days and spends one day a week with our boy. I'm late 30s, and we're also trying to conceive number 2. Our wider family love spending time with our son, but don’t have him on their own, they’re not really close enough to babysit unless it’s an emergency. I've had busy periods at work where I've had to pick up work again after my son is in bed - I find that really hard. We've had some bad periods of night-waking but that all seems fine now. My worry is that I'm still finding even normal life very hard when work isn't ridiculous and our son is sleeping through.

WORKING DAYS:
5.45 - get up, get dressed and showered, while entertaining toddler (if he’s awake)
6.45 - leave for work, start work at 7.30 (husband does breakfast and drop-off)
NO lunchbreak – I do have a bit too much on at work and we’re trying to sort this.
4.45 - leave work, pick up toddler, play, tea etc.
6/6.30 - wind down for bath, bed
7/7.30 - toddler in bed, start dinner
8/8.30 - eat dinner with husband, watch TV or do jobs, or both if online shop etc.
9.30/10 - bed

NON-WORKING DAYS
Wake around 6.30, play, lunch etc.
Toddler does nap for up to 1hr 15 mins. I'll either do jobs or sit and read/watch TV/rest.

We have a cleaner every 2 weeks which is fab and reduces those jobs massively. My toddler VERY much prefers me, which means if I'm in the house I'm expected by both husband and toddler to be involved in anything toddler-related. Toddler is 2.5 and really not into independent play so pretty full-on.

Husband doesn't do 50/50 partly due to toddler-preference, but we have a reasonable split of jobs around the house. BUT he does get down time every night before I do because I will always do toddler tea, play, bath, bed (husband will come in and out), AND then I'll cook our dinner. So he might have had a nice sit down and be relaxed already by the time I stop around 8/8.30 to eat. I'm a pretty good cook and there's an expectation that we have "nice" dinners. I don't cook anything on a weeknight that would take longer than 30mins, but I think husband would complain if I relied on pasta/stir-fry/super-quick stuff too often. I prefer it when we manage to eat early all together as that means more time in the evening for me to rest/relax/do jobs/do something for myself, but time-wise that’s difficult to fit in and impossible to maintain the same meals. Husband does workouts at home and goes to the gym a couple of times a week. At the weekends we generally have some family time going out somewhere all together, then I’ll spend the rest of the time with our boy and husband gets some time to himself. We seem to have fallen into a routine where he doesn’t do much on his own with our toddler unless I specifically ask, so it feels like a bit of a struggle to get time to myself at the weekends. I get that this is somewhere to start the changes I need. ALSO husband is the one who wants to go to sleep by 9.30/10pm. If it were up to me I'd probably go to sleep at 10.30 and have an extra half hour down time.

Since becoming a mum I also really miss time alone, which might be influencing the way I feel. I am drained by constant time with other people but will go weeks without time to myself to decompress. Mithered at work, then full-on with toddler, then it feels like no time at all until bed.

Is this just the way it is with a small child? Other factors - being an older parent, having a full-on job, having my son want specifically me all the time. I’m very tired despite generally getting a good amount of sleep, and I’d just really like to see to my own needs a bit more. I used to be very fit (am not now) and I’m envious when I read of people on mumsnet going to the gym or for a run because I just think how? When? Practically, I tried doing a hiit before work (5.15 start) and it just woke up my boy early. And after dinner I am TOO tired, I’m afraid nothing will change that. I walk to work when I can but that doesn’t get me back to the fitness I had before. I’ve been looking at fitting in e.g. squats/starjumps when I use the toilet at work/brush my teeth etc. Not quite the same as having the gift of time for yourself.

Oh, BTW I have tried batch-cooking and never understood why it’s better to sacrifice 2+ precious weekend hours for mid-week gain.

Is everyone else’s life like this and you all just cope better than I do?? Do I have to accept that I need to cut down on sleep if I want to be fit? PLEASE tell me how you manage.

The AIBU is am I ACTUALLY as busy as I feel I am or am I unreasonably finding a normal life particularly difficult.

That looks pretty normal to me. It’s not my normal because my job demands strange hours so I don’t get the evening time, but it’s what I imagine most people’s normal is.

Your husband demanding elaborate meals did jump out though. I love cooking, live for food, it’s my actual life... but I would tell dh to get to fuck if he started whining about evening meals not being up to scratch.

Also he needs to spend 1:1 with your child to allow you the same downtime he enjoys.

why do you need to go to bed at the same time? my DH and I rarely do as he prefers to go later than me.

and WTF with the meal demands???? even if you are a better cook he needs to do his share - I'm a better/faster cook than my husband but he now has dishes that he does better than me, e.g. it's always him that does "sunday roast" meals.

my sister just does her HIIT workouts on days off, and if needs be with her toddler clambering over her... not ideal though!

I think it’s normal to be busy with you both working full-time, but one thing that jumped out is that you’re doing nearly everything at home, so no wonder you’re tired. Why are you doing bath & bedtime every night? And if your husband is incapable of doing bath & bedtime for whatever reason, he should be cooking dinner instead so it’s ready when you come downstairs.

You should also both have time to yourself at weekends as well as family time together. Your current setup is very unfair to you.

So basically op you have a dh problem rather than a busy schedule problem.

I really think if you’re doing bedtime he should be doing dinner..:

Thanks for reading.

@whifflesqueak - if that sounds similar to your normal (with even less downtime), how do you feel about it? I'm also trying to figure out if I've almost got used to feeling a tired/a bit down and whether that's to do with me or the demands of life.

@Sturmundcalm the bedtime thing does annoy me, though I do like the closeness that we get from going at the same time. Sometimes we don't go to bed at the same time but then I'd go in our spare room to avoid disturbing him (he is quite precious about sleep), and tbh the mattress is not as nice so that influences whether I do that or not.

Sounds pretty normal but hubby needs to do his share of bath and bed time, kid will get used to it and less pressure over food, stick a pizza in the oven occasionally

Well it's fairly clear to me where your problem is. Your husband doesn't do anywhere near enough.

1. Alternate putting toddler to bed. You go out, for a run or whatever, whilst he does his night so toddler doesn't come to you.
2. Alternate cooking. And on your nights cook easy things if you want to. Tough shit if he wants something else, he can learn to cook if so.
3. Toddler doesn't need a bath every night.
4. Don't try to conceive number 2 till this sorted as two children are far far harder than 1, way more than double.
5. Go to bed when you want.

Your dh really rules your home doesn't he?

So from reading your posts your DH is demanding about food, precious about his sleep and doesn’t help with bath and bedtime?! I’m afraid that is the problem. You need to share out the evening load for starters and use that time to go to the gym etc. Get out of the house so that you can’t be called upon and do it twice a week. I work full time with similar timings to yours and it’s exhausting, coupled with a DH who does shifts. However he completely pulls his weight at home, and although I cannot fit in exercise at the moment, I also freelance in the evenings, and DH does bath and bed those evenings without complaint. The child stuff is not your sole responsibility
This week due to external factors my DH is having to do all school runs, all evenings and pick up all the slack at home. He’s moaned a little bit, but I moan on the weeks when he’s on nights and I have to do everything! We are a team and it all evens out in the end. It doesn’t sound very even in your relationship at the moment.

I have roughly similar but I’m a single parent - never get to exercise as I’m just too tired to do it when I have the time. I try to go for walks with the DC at weekends though to make up for it.

But the elaborate meals HAVE to go. You can’t do it. We have stir-fry/pasta/freezer food/soup and toast at least 3 nights a week. Usually tues/wed/thurs. A good Sunday dinner sees you through to Monday with leftovers, Friday can be a treat night (eat out or takeaway if you have the cash, nice bought-in stuff if not) and Saturday is a day to make a nice relaxed “proper” meal. You can’t kill yourself cooking every day, it’s not fair.

Your DH doesn't contribute very much, does he? He needs to cook dinner while you're dealing with the toddler in the evenings. If he can't cook, that's not any excuse. He should learn. Otherwise he should do the toddler related jobs while you cook.

And why.can't he go to bed at 9.30 and you at 10.30, if that's what you want to do?

Similar situation here except I have 2.5 year old twins, both with ASD and one has other disabilities as well. I work very part time and they go to nursery 3 mornings a week now - it was two, but it’s helping them so we’ve added another. This should mean I get a morning “to myself” but in reality it’s just for
The jobs I can’t get done when they’re here.

I’m struggling really badly with overload and anxiety - there’s just always too much to do and no time to do it, if I worked four days I’d really struggle but it would be impossible right now because of all their therapy and appointments.

The issue I have is that it’s like my brain has rewired - I can’t ever relax, ever, I’m always thinking about everything that needs doing and the boys etc.

I would benefit if my DH took over some of the mental load I think as that’s the most draining thing. Maybe you could discuss this? He should be doing way more around the house and with your child - DH never takes the twins out alone ever but then I struggle with that myself given the difficulties they have so I can’t blame him!

Everyone seems to be focusing on the husband. And yes, he can do the bath while you cook one day or put a pizza in and whip up a salad the next....also wouldn't be dictated to about bedtime. If he doesn't want disturbing he can wait up half an hour.

But the one thing that hit me was you have no lunch break? Why? Just insist on one, it is your legal right and is there for this reason exactly. To stop you burning out. Take your breaks, all of them. You can go to the gym in this time or for a run or just eat your lunch slowly and in peace!

1. Go to bed when you feel like it
2. Alternate who does bedtime routine/cooks dinner. He can cook omlette until his cooking improves. He either teaches himself, or goes on a cookery course. But the expectation is clear. You cannot do everything.
3. Toddler might prefer you, but it’s not possible that he has you all the time. Wear earplugs if necessary. Again, the expectation is your ‘D’ H deals with it.
4. You get at least 2 hours to yourself at the weekend - even if he just takes him ‘swimming’ --splashing about in the pool for a bit— or to the park, train spotting or whatever. He needs to do it.
5. Meditating is great and something about your post tells me it would suit you.

That’s twice a day your H has to be ‘on’ and you get headspace.

I think it's normal to be tired but he needs to be doing 50:50 with the toddler routine and dinner. If you are doing one he needs to do the other, and he needs to be doing some toddler routine so your little one gets used to him.

Your toddler may have preferences but you will end up the default parent who does far more work if you leave it like this.

he does get down time every night before I do because I will always do toddler tea, play, bath, bed (husband will come in and out), AND then I'll cook our dinner.

Nope nope nope!

Here’s what we do:

• I cook dinner for / feed the boys
• DH finishes work at 6-6:30 (he works from home)
• He then spends some time with them or helps me bath them (two person job, epic task, not every day!)
• We get them ready for bed together
• Put them to bed together
• He reads them a story while I have a shower
• He cooks dinner while I get some life admin done
• We eat dinner, watch TV, go to bed

There’s no way he should be sitting on his arse while you do all this. Either

• He cooks while you do all the toddler related stuff
• He gets the toddler bathed and into bed while you cook
• He takes over any mental load tasks / life admin stuff and does this while you get on with things

The reason you have no time is that you’re doing everything and he’s coasting - not cool

*arethereanyleftatall I’m not copying you, honest. Takes me so long to write anything on phone - our posts are nearly the same!

For example. We have one child (age 4), no nearby family, I work four days and DH is full time but compressed hours (10 days over 9), so he’s at home with DD every other Friday. Our workday routine is:

• Up at 6.30, I get DD ready while DH gets ready, then he takes her to nursery. I then have breakfast, get showered & dressed, then go to work.
• We’re all home by 6. Whoever is home earliest starts cooking dinner (usually me). I’ll also do something like a load of laundry if I have a chance. We sometimes make a double portion so half can be frozen and used for dinner another night.
• At 7.30, one of us puts DD to bed while the other clears up downstairs, does dishes etc, then has free time to themselves (often used for stuff like house admin, online grocery shopping etc).
• Anytime between 8.30-9, DD has fallen asleep so we have time to relax together before heading to bed around 10.

At weekends DH takes DD to swimming class one morning, and I take her out the other morning or one afternoon, then we spend time together. This means we each have time to ourselves as well as time together.

I do think that sounds quite full on. Although I’m someone who gets overwhelmed very easily! It sounds like you’re doing a great job holding everything together. Like PP has said though your DH isn’t doing enough so you need to sort that! You also need to make sure work sort out your lunchbreak- so important!

Can you join a running group? Just one evening a week to start with? I started a few weeks ago and I’ve found that hour to myself amazing- it feels great to exercise and because I’ve signed up I’ve got motivation to go.

And of course your toddler prefers you - that won’t change until he takes over some of the care!

If your husband is so fussy about what you have for dinner, HE should bloody well cook. You are doing too much. He is not pulling his weight. Time to get angry.

Sounds pretty standard BUT your DH needs to do more.
The current set up in that regard isn't fair. If he wants elaborate meals then he can fucking cook them! He also need to do more childcare.

Yeah, I've thought that about bath and bedtime, would make a huge difference to how much time I felt I had. When we've tried it's pretty difficult because our son wants me, but I realise we're causing that situation ourselves by me always doing it!

I feel like this too sometimes, but DH is away Mon-Fri so I'm single parenting 2 kids all week and I work 4 day. When he's home though, he tends to get the kids ready for bed, I cook and then we clear up together and sit down to watch something on TV. It just sounds like your DH needs to do more in the evening to let you get some downtime. Have you told him how you feel?