Is my life actually too busy or am I just not coping?

[tenderoni]

I'd really appreciate some opinions. I feel like I'm constantly on the go, I never prioritise my needs, and I struggle if I have to fit in anything on top of 'normal life' (like when work gets really busy, or even something that should be nice, like booking a holiday). I'd really like to fit in regular exercise and eat better but I can't for the life of me see how. I just feel busy busy busy (and not in an "I'm so important and I’m showing off" type of way, more like it's affecting my mental health and wellbeing). I'll try to include relevant details.

I have a toddler, a husband, a full-time academic job (compressed hours so that I can spend a day a week with my son). My husband works 4 days and spends one day a week with our boy. I'm late 30s, and we're also trying to conceive number 2. Our wider family love spending time with our son, but don’t have him on their own, they’re not really close enough to babysit unless it’s an emergency. I've had busy periods at work where I've had to pick up work again after my son is in bed - I find that really hard. We've had some bad periods of night-waking but that all seems fine now. My worry is that I'm still finding even normal life very hard when work isn't ridiculous and our son is sleeping through.

WORKING DAYS:
5.45 - get up, get dressed and showered, while entertaining toddler (if he’s awake)
6.45 - leave for work, start work at 7.30 (husband does breakfast and drop-off)
NO lunchbreak – I do have a bit too much on at work and we’re trying to sort this.
4.45 - leave work, pick up toddler, play, tea etc.
6/6.30 - wind down for bath, bed
7/7.30 - toddler in bed, start dinner
8/8.30 - eat dinner with husband, watch TV or do jobs, or both if online shop etc.
9.30/10 - bed

NON-WORKING DAYS
Wake around 6.30, play, lunch etc.
Toddler does nap for up to 1hr 15 mins. I'll either do jobs or sit and read/watch TV/rest.

We have a cleaner every 2 weeks which is fab and reduces those jobs massively. My toddler VERY much prefers me, which means if I'm in the house I'm expected by both husband and toddler to be involved in anything toddler-related. Toddler is 2.5 and really not into independent play so pretty full-on.

Husband doesn't do 50/50 partly due to toddler-preference, but we have a reasonable split of jobs around the house. BUT he does get down time every night before I do because I will always do toddler tea, play, bath, bed (husband will come in and out), AND then I'll cook our dinner. So he might have had a nice sit down and be relaxed already by the time I stop around 8/8.30 to eat. I'm a pretty good cook and there's an expectation that we have "nice" dinners. I don't cook anything on a weeknight that would take longer than 30mins, but I think husband would complain if I relied on pasta/stir-fry/super-quick stuff too often. I prefer it when we manage to eat early all together as that means more time in the evening for me to rest/relax/do jobs/do something for myself, but time-wise that’s difficult to fit in and impossible to maintain the same meals. Husband does workouts at home and goes to the gym a couple of times a week. At the weekends we generally have some family time going out somewhere all together, then I’ll spend the rest of the time with our boy and husband gets some time to himself. We seem to have fallen into a routine where he doesn’t do much on his own with our toddler unless I specifically ask, so it feels like a bit of a struggle to get time to myself at the weekends. I get that this is somewhere to start the changes I need. ALSO husband is the one who wants to go to sleep by 9.30/10pm. If it were up to me I'd probably go to sleep at 10.30 and have an extra half hour down time.

Since becoming a mum I also really miss time alone, which might be influencing the way I feel. I am drained by constant time with other people but will go weeks without time to myself to decompress. Mithered at work, then full-on with toddler, then it feels like no time at all until bed.

Is this just the way it is with a small child? Other factors - being an older parent, having a full-on job, having my son want specifically me all the time. I’m very tired despite generally getting a good amount of sleep, and I’d just really like to see to my own needs a bit more. I used to be very fit (am not now) and I’m envious when I read of people on mumsnet going to the gym or for a run because I just think how? When? Practically, I tried doing a hiit before work (5.15 start) and it just woke up my boy early. And after dinner I am TOO tired, I’m afraid nothing will change that. I walk to work when I can but that doesn’t get me back to the fitness I had before. I’ve been looking at fitting in e.g. squats/starjumps when I use the toilet at work/brush my teeth etc. Not quite the same as having the gift of time for yourself.

Oh, BTW I have tried batch-cooking and never understood why it’s better to sacrifice 2+ precious weekend hours for mid-week gain.

Is everyone else’s life like this and you all just cope better than I do?? Do I have to accept that I need to cut down on sleep if I want to be fit? PLEASE tell me how you manage.

The AIBU is am I ACTUALLY as busy as I feel I am or am I unreasonably finding a normal life particularly difficult.

I would make one meal for everyone. If husband isn’t home then he can reheat. Eating at 8:30/9 then going to bed an hour later sounds miserable.

Take toddler bed/ bath in turns to get toddler used to it. Leave the house and go for a walk if need be but stick to it. Same with weekend activities.

Increase cleaner to weekly.

PS Use a slow cooker a couple of times a week. It takes 10 mins to prep a bolognese sauce/chilli etc and it's great having a meal to come home to where you just have to make rice/pasta etc

Your husband is the problem. That is the long and the short of it. Yes your life sounds busy but no busier than many - the problem is you are being expected to work like a modern woman, mother single-handed, and also dance attendance on your husband like a 1950s housewife with nothing else to occupy here time!!!

1. Why isn't he cooking while you're putting the toddler down? If he's not cooking then HOW DARE HE complain about what you cook - his 'expectations' be damned!

2. Why isn't he working harder to bond with your child? No offence but if you dropped dead tomorrow he'd have to bloody deal with it all on his own - he needs to push through toddler's preference for you, and you need to allow/help him to do so (by making yourself scarce if necessary and leave them to work it out).

Full disclosure, I fell into the trap of 'she just prefers me' too (bf plays a big part in this situation for us), and tbh if there is an equitable distribution of everything else it can be the path of least resistance for everyone while the child is young because it is temporary - but that requires your husband, as mine did, to step up and assume the lion's share of everything else! If he's not going to do that and only wants to do 'his share' (or less by the sound of it) of the household tasks etc, then he needs to pull his weight with the toddler even if that is a bit of a trial for both of them at first. You. Can't. Do. Everything. It is that simple!

3. Why shouldn't you be allowed to come to bed when you please - worst case scenario he's awake for 2 minutes, does he/do you never get up in the night for a pee lest somebody be briefly woken up?? Sorry but if you want to share a life and a bed with someone then you have to be flexible - and when I say you, I mean BOTH of you, not that you bend over backwards to fall in entirely with his preferences. So of course he should go to bed when he's tired... but you should be able to slip in next to him when you fancy without him making a fuss, as long as you're not turning the light on and crashing around like a mammoth - what is he, the princess and the pea? At very least if he's the one who is 'precious' about his sleep to this extent, if he goes up early HE should go in the spare room not you!

It sounds like you need time alone, to do what YOU want to - and that means your DH needs to take his turn with the toddler. You need to force this if he isn't showing willing.

Tell him you are going away for a weekend - don't ask, just tell him. Give him plenty of notice and prepare your toddler with lots of talking about how great daddy is, how much fun they'll have together when mumy goes on her little trip etc etc, get dad involved with bathtime etc in the run-up, maybe go out to the gym/pub for the evening a couple of nights in the run-up to make sure he can manage bedtime on his own (he never will when you're in the house, toddlers are psychic and KNOW when you're there as a backup option!!). But however all that goes, and however much or little DH engages with this process, when the date comes just GO. Don't look back. If he does love his child then when push comes to shove he will get it done, and your child will be OK. It's bloody hard, but the payoff both in terms of the freedom it gives you, the understanding your DH will have of how full-on it is managing the toddler(!), and most importantly the growth in his confidence and engagement with parenting his child will be well worth the short term pain.

The alternative is, quite simply, that you keep on like this until you either burn out with exhaustion or explode with (entirely justified) resentment at being expected to do everything for everyone and put yourself eternally last in every consideration.

You matter. And you have a partner for a reason. You are supposed to support each other. if that is all one way, he ceases to be of any use to you, and with a young child you don't have the slack in your chain to carry him any more. Motherhood has made me very clear-eyed and a bit brutal about this, previously I was in a total habit (as you seem to be) of putting my partner's needs and wants ahead of mine in hundreds of little ways I didn't really notice when I didn't have anyone but him and me to think about. Add the intense needs of a young child and the wheels just come off that arrangement. Quite the adjustment for a lot of men who are used to being coddled by their partners - it certainly has been for mine!!

Good luck and I hope you get some peace

I skipped some pages but if its been said already, it's worth repeating.

YOUR HUSBAND IS A NOT THE BOSS

He should do toddler or cook dinner.

If he can have toddler whilst you're at work, he can take him out / have him home whilst you go out of a weekend

Go to bed when you want to. Unless it's so you can have bedtime sex every night, why can't he go alone?

Not normal and you will burn out with stress if you're not careful.
Life is for living. Not what you've described.
This is what worked for me:
Husband did half of the bedtime. Yes they preferred me but after time they simply got used to it.
Use the time when not putting the kids to bed to rest or exercise.
Simple dinners in the week. Be firm about this.
Work part-time or find a job with less stress if possible
Go to bed early. 09:30 ish. We all need sleep to function and you will feel so much more positive and productive the next day.
Make "me time" a priority. This is not selfish and will benefit the whole family due to you being happier!!

.

Hi OP I can see you've had loads of good advice - I just wanted to say don't feel too bad about this situation you've ended up in, don't beat yourself up about that too, just take steps to change it! I'm a SAHM (disclaimer I hate that phrase) and both our kids have been very clingy to me when tiny so our roles tend to become pretty polarised - so DH and I have had a few 'wake-up call' moments where I've got overwhelmed and run down and we've looked at our routines and made some changes.

I think it really helps to sit down to talk properly about how exhausted you are and why - talking about what each of your average day and week looks like - then it becomes obvious to you both if you're doing dinner EVERY night; if he's fitting in 3 gym sessions and you have 0; etc. Even stuff like the bedtime, talk about it, change things round so it works - like someone else said, get a decent mattress for the spare room! If he's a decent bloke then once you look at it like that you'll be able to make changes that make things fairer. Good luck!

Just seen your update that your DH works part time while you are full time (compressed hours), and doesn’t take work home. He really should be doing more than you, then! I posted our daytime routine earlier on the thread, and while that’s split equally, I do more housework as I am at home more than DH. So on my day at home with DD, I’ll get laundry done, pick up shopping, give the kitchen a quick clean - anything that fits around looking after DD. I sometimes even have dinner cooking when DH gets home! Does your DH do household stuff on his day at home, or is it childcare only?

I’m glad this thread is helping you make a plan of action.

Both your DH and your toddler sound like right moaning knobs.

If I were you, I’d leave them both to it at least once a week and go for a run or even better go to the pub.

Your life sounds totally normal to me. I'm a single parent, working 4 days a week.

My working days look this:

6.15 - Get up, get ready, breakfast
7.00 - Take DD to her bus, get to work
7.30 - Start work
Lunch - Pay bills, shopping, surf the net
3.30 - Leave work
4.00 - Arrive home, cook dinner, open post, help DD with homework
5.00 - Eat dinner and wash up
6.00 - Hobbies, gym, watch films/TV, internet
12.00 - Go to bed

I have one week day off from work during the work. I spend the morning doing the food shopping, cleaning, ironing and other jobs. In the afternoon I do things I enjoy. My weekends are completely free for days out, hobbies and activities, friends, eating out etc.

I feel I have organised and simplified things so I get a lot of time to enjoy life and I have a good work/life balance. DD is old enough to entertain herself quite a lot now as she is a teenager and I don't have a partner taking up any of my time either.

Things get a lot easier as children get older OP.

You've had so much good advice I haven't posted as I would mostly be repeating what everyone else has said but your latest update about his work hours absolutely infuriated me on your behalf!! Your husband works 4 days part time and keeps to his contracted hours with no work in the evenings and you are still doing the second shift at home while he is precious about his sleep, expects you to do both dinner and DC bath and bed, and is unhappy if the food that you cook is too simple!? He's absolutely taking the piss - to keep things equal he should be doing more than you around the house, not less!

1. Alternate putting toddler to bed. You go out, for a run or whatever, whilst he does his night so toddler doesn't come to you.
2. Alternate cooking. And on your nights cook easy things if you want to. Tough shit if he wants something else, he can learn to cook if so.
3. Toddler doesn't need a bath every night.
4. Don't try to conceive number 2 till this sorted as two children are far far harder than 1, way more than double
5. Go to bed when you want.

Totally this. I would add take a half hour break at the same time middle of the work day and go for a walk outside and eat something.

Batch cooking is always cooking extra so every meal made is a portion or two in the freezer and a half portion in the fridge for your next day's lunch. Bolognese sauce with a couple of slices of bread is actually a tasty lunch

When I do a weekend concerted batch cook the time saver is to do several meals at once so a lot of meals start with the same basics - onions/garlic/carrots/tomatoes etc so you chop loads at once and get 3 or 4 meals going at once. You also just do the sauce bit for some so all you have to do to eat is put rice or pasta on, microwave the main and add veg if you have time. Whilst that is cooking you can be doing other stuff like emptying dishwasher or whatever. This also gives you a bit of time to wash and chop a big bowl of greenery to be dipped into from the fridge - pak choi/spring onion/celery/lettuce/pepper etc - just dump a big handful on whatever you are eating for extra freshness. You could also hardboil some eggs at the same time as your rice or pasta is cooking and have them in the fridge to take to work as protein snacks. Falafel bought ready made is not especially cheap but is also a good fridge food, you can have it for dinner hot with greens and instant tinned bean salad (rinse and add balsamic vinegar), or for lunch. Baked potatoes is another fail safe stick them in the oven when you get home then add greens and tinned tuna or whatever. Superquick baked tatties is microwave first then finish in hot oven to crisp up.

meatballs
bolognese
shepherd's pie
cottage pie
veg/lentil soup
spicy dumpling soup
curry
mashed root veg
cauliflower/broccoli cheese

You can buy frozen prepped garlic, veg etc to save time, it's cheap and fresh. I especially like the spinach balls you can chuck in with your rice or pasta as it is cooking for extra greenery. Same can be done with sliced courgette, frozen peas etc. Frozen and tinned foods are your friend!

There are some amazing batch cooking threads on here, eat together every night, take turns with everything and stop wasting time you don't have.

He needs to cook while you do bedtime.

You and your DH have similar working patterns to us and we also have a toddler. It is full on and it's ok to feel that way. But two things we do differently to you that really help:

We alternate pick ups and drop offs and the person who does pick up cooks. On those days, the other person gets to stay at work a bit later or take a bit of time to themselves. I don't understand why your DH isn't doing any pick ups or cooking any evening meals.

On weekends, the toddler does two activities - one Saturday morning and one Sunday - we take it in turns to take him to those which gives us each a chunk of alone time every weekend.

More generally, we have divided up the chores between us and we don't meddle with the other's chores which helps the mental load.

What everyone else said. You can optimise and optimise but ultimately your partner needs to pull finger here.

So you are a single parent with two toddlers then??

Sorry, but your schedule sounds very normal. And you even have a cleaner!

There’s some great advice on here though to help you manage. I particularly like the “no one sits down” rule.

Your DH should absolutely be doing more; I was shocked when I read your update that he actually works part time! I hope your chat with him goes well and that he agrees to pull his finger out.

Apologies if this has already been answered but why does going to bed after him mean that you have to sleep in a different room? That’s bizarre.

If you and he sit down and meal plan the rest of the month then alternate your dinner prep days you could also alternate a weekend batch cook each across that month. Point him towards the batch cook threads on here and both learn fast healthy cooking. Don't get into a bossing him through how to cook situation, you each have to produce dinner on alternate nights - take out banned - hopefully some good food production is learned!

I think your dh needs to do a little bit more tbh. My youngest is 2 and she always wants me, but I’d never get a break so OH will take her to bed some nights (I work a couple of evenings a week so he HAS to as well some of them).
If my Oh wanted better meals I’d tell him to cook them himself or go to his moms. When we first got together he loved how ‘to the point’ and honest I was, he’s probably regretting it now 10 years down the line because I take absolutely no shit from him. If he doesn’t help around the house enough I call him up on it.
He asked me the other day where all his boxers were, I said I didn’t know, had he put them in to be washed? He said they were down his side of the bed last time he saw them, and that was greeted with a wonderfully sarcastic response. Our 2 year old knows where dirty clothes go so he had no excuse. He had no clean underwear for work the next day as I refused to do a load at 10 at night so had to wear swim shorts. He ‘doesn’t know’ how to use the washing machine so sod him haha.
When he comes back from work, OH has a quick shower, and then comes down to see the kids and help out with cooking dinner, homework, walks the dog and then gets them ready for bath / bed with me. I let him have a shower because he needs one, but I wouldn’t be up for him just sodding off ignoring the kids for down time.

Tell your dh to do a bit more I think op! He can’t have his cake and eat it!

I'm wondering if this is a cultural thing. That YOU have the mentality that because you are female, then it is expected that YOU do all the house and family stuff, and you husband expects to be waited on hand and foot.

Your husband works part time there fore he needs to be doing more stuff around the house.

I for one really struggled going from 1 to 2 children, ironically 2 to 3 children was really easy. So I would seriously re consider having another child at the moment until you have more of balance home life/work life balance.

Do either of you get up at night to use the bathroom or see to your child? How is that any different to coming in to sleep a bit later?

I am amazed at the couple of people saying they fit a lot more in- what, getting up earlier that 5.45am?!

Even if they can, I couldn't. Academic work can be difficult when you have small children, like other jobs which are similar, because you have to be able to think clearly and it isn't well-suited to being part of a multi-tasking set of jobs, I don't find. To write a book or a paper takes extreme focus, and that's hard to achieve if you are tired. I found the two years after my second child I was like a zombie on that front, and although I taught fine, my writing output nose-dived. Children get older though, so that does open up those windows again.

For that reason- getting more help in like the cleaner every week might work. Although I'm not entirely clear why your husband is both part time and not doing evenings with the toddler, seems he has several hours a day with his feet up, then eating the meal you prepared. I can't quite see how you haven't noticed this massive glaring inequity before.

Your husbands sounds lazy and you seem to be trying to double your workload by preparing two meals at two different times.

Eat together, get hubby to either clear away pots, tidy kitchen, take rubbish out, sweep floor etc whilst you bath, pyjamas, teeth brush, bed and storytime your toddler or vice versa.
I don’t know why you are doing the donkeys share of the work and letting him have “down time” and moaning. Either get him to pull his s weight, tell him your quitting your job or suck it up.

Honestly is this the best time to add another child into the mix?? I just can’t understand why, if there are marital problems and you feel you aren’t coping now, a pregnancy and newborn seems like a good choice.

It is normal but if it helps I'm exhausted too.
My 10mth old is teething and vicious sleep wise. I also do compressed hours, so long long days. Plus all evenings and Weekends.
It's really hard work.
Do you get say a day off a month? I'm starting to think about asking dp for this and he can have one too, so at least we both get rest

can't be bothered to read the full thread - but the phrase 'rod for your own back' sprung to mind throughout your post! (sorry - annoying phrase I Know)

You decide who puts toddler to bed - it's not for the toddler to decide.

And cannot get my head round him relaxing while you do that - and then you cook dinner! wtf? no wonder you are exhausted.

FWIW that sounds full on and reminds me of when mine were pre school age. Life gets easier when they are in nursery or school every day and you have some time that isn't work or kids.