Is my life actually too busy or am I just not coping?

[tenderoni]

I'd really appreciate some opinions. I feel like I'm constantly on the go, I never prioritise my needs, and I struggle if I have to fit in anything on top of 'normal life' (like when work gets really busy, or even something that should be nice, like booking a holiday). I'd really like to fit in regular exercise and eat better but I can't for the life of me see how. I just feel busy busy busy (and not in an "I'm so important and I’m showing off" type of way, more like it's affecting my mental health and wellbeing). I'll try to include relevant details.

I have a toddler, a husband, a full-time academic job (compressed hours so that I can spend a day a week with my son). My husband works 4 days and spends one day a week with our boy. I'm late 30s, and we're also trying to conceive number 2. Our wider family love spending time with our son, but don’t have him on their own, they’re not really close enough to babysit unless it’s an emergency. I've had busy periods at work where I've had to pick up work again after my son is in bed - I find that really hard. We've had some bad periods of night-waking but that all seems fine now. My worry is that I'm still finding even normal life very hard when work isn't ridiculous and our son is sleeping through.

WORKING DAYS:
5.45 - get up, get dressed and showered, while entertaining toddler (if he’s awake)
6.45 - leave for work, start work at 7.30 (husband does breakfast and drop-off)
NO lunchbreak – I do have a bit too much on at work and we’re trying to sort this.
4.45 - leave work, pick up toddler, play, tea etc.
6/6.30 - wind down for bath, bed
7/7.30 - toddler in bed, start dinner
8/8.30 - eat dinner with husband, watch TV or do jobs, or both if online shop etc.
9.30/10 - bed

NON-WORKING DAYS
Wake around 6.30, play, lunch etc.
Toddler does nap for up to 1hr 15 mins. I'll either do jobs or sit and read/watch TV/rest.

We have a cleaner every 2 weeks which is fab and reduces those jobs massively. My toddler VERY much prefers me, which means if I'm in the house I'm expected by both husband and toddler to be involved in anything toddler-related. Toddler is 2.5 and really not into independent play so pretty full-on.

Husband doesn't do 50/50 partly due to toddler-preference, but we have a reasonable split of jobs around the house. BUT he does get down time every night before I do because I will always do toddler tea, play, bath, bed (husband will come in and out), AND then I'll cook our dinner. So he might have had a nice sit down and be relaxed already by the time I stop around 8/8.30 to eat. I'm a pretty good cook and there's an expectation that we have "nice" dinners. I don't cook anything on a weeknight that would take longer than 30mins, but I think husband would complain if I relied on pasta/stir-fry/super-quick stuff too often. I prefer it when we manage to eat early all together as that means more time in the evening for me to rest/relax/do jobs/do something for myself, but time-wise that’s difficult to fit in and impossible to maintain the same meals. Husband does workouts at home and goes to the gym a couple of times a week. At the weekends we generally have some family time going out somewhere all together, then I’ll spend the rest of the time with our boy and husband gets some time to himself. We seem to have fallen into a routine where he doesn’t do much on his own with our toddler unless I specifically ask, so it feels like a bit of a struggle to get time to myself at the weekends. I get that this is somewhere to start the changes I need. ALSO husband is the one who wants to go to sleep by 9.30/10pm. If it were up to me I'd probably go to sleep at 10.30 and have an extra half hour down time.

Since becoming a mum I also really miss time alone, which might be influencing the way I feel. I am drained by constant time with other people but will go weeks without time to myself to decompress. Mithered at work, then full-on with toddler, then it feels like no time at all until bed.

Is this just the way it is with a small child? Other factors - being an older parent, having a full-on job, having my son want specifically me all the time. I’m very tired despite generally getting a good amount of sleep, and I’d just really like to see to my own needs a bit more. I used to be very fit (am not now) and I’m envious when I read of people on mumsnet going to the gym or for a run because I just think how? When? Practically, I tried doing a hiit before work (5.15 start) and it just woke up my boy early. And after dinner I am TOO tired, I’m afraid nothing will change that. I walk to work when I can but that doesn’t get me back to the fitness I had before. I’ve been looking at fitting in e.g. squats/starjumps when I use the toilet at work/brush my teeth etc. Not quite the same as having the gift of time for yourself.

Oh, BTW I have tried batch-cooking and never understood why it’s better to sacrifice 2+ precious weekend hours for mid-week gain.

Is everyone else’s life like this and you all just cope better than I do?? Do I have to accept that I need to cut down on sleep if I want to be fit? PLEASE tell me how you manage.

The AIBU is am I ACTUALLY as busy as I feel I am or am I unreasonably finding a normal life particularly difficult.

What is sad is when the OP drifts away because the advice is perhaps unpalatable. There is some good advice on here but having the courage to upset the apple cart is not easy @tenderoni

Oh my gosh so many more responses, I am so grateful to all of the different examples and advice as to how to streamline. I totally get that the overwhelming advice is to get my husband to do more. I'm fully on board with this.

I will be having a chat with my husband this weekend. I imagine, based on past experience, that his initial response will be defensive. BUT I have such good advice here that I'm broaching it in a very practical way, hard to argue with.

I'm already meal-planning for things we can eat at 6pm with our son, who will enjoy helping me cook. For the days we don't manage it, we'll do one cooks, one does bedtime. We might keep later adult meals at the weekend if we want fancier food.

We need to alternate bedtime, our toddler is old enough to understand "you get daddy tonight".

I'll leave the office at lunchtime.

I've found an exercise class twice a week, which runs over bedtime. I'm going to try it.

I'm going to plan on two nights a week where I go to sleep later.

If this works, I honestly don't think I'll be complaining, it would feel like I had so much time. SO much. I really that school years can get far fuller in the evenings - this was one of my worries.

To those of you who've identified perfectionist tendencies, yes absolutely. It's something I'm aware of and slip into very easily. Anything less than perfect can feel like failure, and I know it's something I could work on (ha! Even that sounds like I need to be perfect at overcoming perfectionism!).

I can't believe the number of responses. I hope that this whole discussion might be helpful to other people as well. SUCH good advice.

One thing that stood out to me is that you’ve got time to watch tv. I never watch tv. But I do exercise for at least 4 hours per week. That’s the trade off I make.

I’ve got an 11 month old, I work 4 days per week and DH works full time and very long hours.

Meals in my house are simple and the slow cooker is my best friend.

Also my DH takes baby for a few hours at weekend so I can pursue a hobby. I do the same for him.

It's a fair point but I love TV, and watch so much less than I used to. With the changes I could maintain the same amount (one half hour or hour programme a day) and still have time for other things. Fingers crossed.

I just want to add that it will get easier. Your DS will get less demanding and probably stop wanting you more all the time as he gets a bit older. Your DH can live without your excellent cooking for two nights a week a she can arrange dinner. And one thing I did was buy myself a second hand running buggy so I could go out with my DS on my days off. Take some toys and stop off at the park to feed the ducks. Was a lifesaver for me. Good luck OP

I agree with a lot of the other posters OP. Just to add:

• my DH will do anything i ask but can be lax in noticing what needs to be done. He is always positive in his response and gets on with; settling DD1.5 OR putting dinner on OR doesn't have an expectations of type of dinner- could be tinned Ravioli, fresh roast chicken dinner or fish fingers. You gotta put expectations in a realistic place!
• you work too. You both have a day at home each with DS during the week, so DH should sort dinner for that day and day after (big lasagne to last 2 days, roast meat with trimmings etc) then at least 2 days are freezer food etc so either of u can execute it quickly.
• you need a break at work! Or a new job.
• designate 3 hours in one big chunk to yourself on Sat or Sun and DO IT! Go for coffee and maybe do weekly food shop yourself to make it clear what's happening meal-wise.
• once every 6 weeks or so, go out on a Sunday to see a friend. That means in one year you do roughly 8/9 social things away from DS and DH- it's not all that much but it's realistic and your DH can DS to grandparents if he's bored without you

I am super guilty of not making enough time for myself but my DH is always eager to support. We get into a rut where no one is really talking about what they want. Book a takeaway night in and have a real talk about making changes as a team!

Good luck!

You're life with toddler and work is very similar to mine but... my husband cooks every night while I put little one to bed and we clean up together. I couldn't care less if I was served up cheese on toast as I've not had to do it myself! How cheeky of him to demand nice dinners when he's not doing it himself!

Small changes, take turns to cook and you each get time to yourself at the weekend while other one entertains child. He obviously needs to bond more with him so this should help that, can he take him to toddler football or similar then he won't even have to decide on an activity.

Wait until they reach late teenage years. I used to run son into a hotel to do breakfasts at 5.30 am some lovely sunrises in the summer. The last teenager is working in a restaurant pub so today 12-10 tomorrow 12-8. Monday 10-5. OH drops off I pick up.

There will be so many clubs and things the DC will attend over the years, you meet yourself coming back lol.

Your husband should be cooking the evening meal when you're doing the bathtime/bedtime routine. He's taking the piss.

You don't need to justify why you watch tv!
You SHOULD get to watch tv. You should get to do plenty of things you enjoy. You can when your husband steps up.
Also, could you afford to get your cleaner weekly?

Ok I’m going to give some different suggestions. I do agree your DH should step up, but as a single mum with no support nearby I’m going to suggest things that have worked for me so that you don’t have to be dependent on him changing.

First - get up earlier (4 am) and work out as soon as you get up. Since Dh is home to keep an eye on DS, you can drive to the gym - go to one of the ones with good showers, etc. Get ready for work there after you work out. That way, when you get home at 5:45 or 6 you can have a relax, watch the news, have a cup of tea and breakfast, and spend some good quality time with DS before work. You won’t be multitasking and getting stressed trying to entertain DS. If you make a routine of exercising early, you WILL feel more energized for the rest of the day. I swear by it!!

If there’s no gym open nearby I still suggest getting up this early, put a white noise maker in your DS room so he won’t wake up with the noise of you exercising (I have made this work too but the gym is better because the bright lights and noise wake you up more.)

Do a load of laundry each night before bed. We don’t even use the washing basket any more, because DCs put it directly in the washing machine when they get undressed. Lol. I only ever put stuff on quick wash. It washes in 15 min and then I run the dryer overnight. Anything that needs to hang dry I put directly on the hanger and hang in the house that way. Because the loads are small it’s easy to fold and put away clothes in the morning, and because the rest is already on hangers just put them in the cupboard once dry. Quick and easy. I also run dishwasher overnight and unload dishes in the morning. I estimate this all takes me about 10-15 minutes every morning. Once your DS gets older he can help you.

Cook easy and quick things you can just bung in the oven while doing DS bath, or make a larger amount of food at DS tea time (still easy, but toddler friendly like pasta and a veggie etc) and you and DH reheat your portions of the same food later. If DH has a problem with that he can cook.

This way, once DS is in bed, you just have to take a couple of minutes to heat your food up, load the dishwasher/unload the hang dry washing, and your day is done! You can relax all night and you will have stayed on top of the house. If you get DH to help (because he should, he’s definitely not pulling his weight) then that’s even better.

I haven't read the whole thread apologies OP but what would stop you going to a fitness/yoga class at 7.30pm one night a week and a class at the weekend? Agree with what I saw about DH doing the cooking if you are doing bedtime. And if you want some time by yourself, can you go for a bath at 9.30pm and let DH go to bed himself? Surely your DH can take toddler to the park at the weekends and you can do a class and meet up with them after?

redbed makes good sense
As for getting up at 4 in the morning to exercise...that is simply insane...I had a neighbour who did that and in the end she imploded. And her husband was incredibly selfish too, the combination was lethal.

Your DH is the problem, and the way your post is written suggests to me you knew that before you even started writing...

Getting up early isn't insane when you go to bed early like the OP does...I don't think it makes any difference if you get up an hour or two earlier or go to bed an hour or two later. I just know for me I can't exercise at the end of the day, I'm too tired after work and won't get myself to do it. But exercising first thing actually gives me more energy. If it doesn't work for you then that's fine, but no harm in giving OP another option.

It's counter intuitive but go out one evening a week. Leave him to it with the toddler. Go to a class or a choir or just go to the pub or a film on your own.
Get a decent mattress that suits you for the spare room.

Getting up at 4am to exercise is madness. I agree that exercising early in the morning is good for energy and for getting it done but 4am? I get up at 5.30 2-3 times a week to go to the gym and I think that’s about the limit before you start cutting into actual sleep time that you, you know, need.

What @tenderoni has described between work and childcare is a juggle a lot of us are grappling with but the difference is that she has a DH who is doing sweet FA. Note the only women who have come in saying “yes that’s exactly my life too” are either single parents or have partners working long hours out of the house - neither of which is true for OP. She works 20% more at her job and 99% more in the home.

I am 😲 that you’re not furious OP!

No way would I be getting up at 4am to do exercise, unless I was some sort of Olympic athlete
It is dark at 4am
Your body clock should be telling you to sleep

OP, if you think your life is too busy and you have no time to yourself, then it is, and you don't need anyone on here to judge or validate your opinion.

The question is then what to do about it, which really only you can answer properly also. Your DH certainly needs to step up more though on a daily basis. I burned out after having two children and nearly had a nervous breakdown and ended up taking a few years out of my career to work for myself doing something else to save my mental and physical health.

Hi,
I have read the full thread and there is definitely a pattern of people that say "I got up earlier than you, worked later than you and did more than you" going on to have a breakdown or significant health problems later. I hope some posting replies who also appear superhuman at the moment don't go on to experience the same thing. We are all human and drive and determination can only get you so far before the body and mind says no more and starts going wong.

Try to make your goal in life to have a great work life balance and a happy home where everyone is valued (including you) and you won't go far wrong.