Is my life actually too busy or am I just not coping?

[tenderoni]

I'd really appreciate some opinions. I feel like I'm constantly on the go, I never prioritise my needs, and I struggle if I have to fit in anything on top of 'normal life' (like when work gets really busy, or even something that should be nice, like booking a holiday). I'd really like to fit in regular exercise and eat better but I can't for the life of me see how. I just feel busy busy busy (and not in an "I'm so important and I’m showing off" type of way, more like it's affecting my mental health and wellbeing). I'll try to include relevant details.

I have a toddler, a husband, a full-time academic job (compressed hours so that I can spend a day a week with my son). My husband works 4 days and spends one day a week with our boy. I'm late 30s, and we're also trying to conceive number 2. Our wider family love spending time with our son, but don’t have him on their own, they’re not really close enough to babysit unless it’s an emergency. I've had busy periods at work where I've had to pick up work again after my son is in bed - I find that really hard. We've had some bad periods of night-waking but that all seems fine now. My worry is that I'm still finding even normal life very hard when work isn't ridiculous and our son is sleeping through.

WORKING DAYS:
5.45 - get up, get dressed and showered, while entertaining toddler (if he’s awake)
6.45 - leave for work, start work at 7.30 (husband does breakfast and drop-off)
NO lunchbreak – I do have a bit too much on at work and we’re trying to sort this.
4.45 - leave work, pick up toddler, play, tea etc.
6/6.30 - wind down for bath, bed
7/7.30 - toddler in bed, start dinner
8/8.30 - eat dinner with husband, watch TV or do jobs, or both if online shop etc.
9.30/10 - bed

NON-WORKING DAYS
Wake around 6.30, play, lunch etc.
Toddler does nap for up to 1hr 15 mins. I'll either do jobs or sit and read/watch TV/rest.

We have a cleaner every 2 weeks which is fab and reduces those jobs massively. My toddler VERY much prefers me, which means if I'm in the house I'm expected by both husband and toddler to be involved in anything toddler-related. Toddler is 2.5 and really not into independent play so pretty full-on.

Husband doesn't do 50/50 partly due to toddler-preference, but we have a reasonable split of jobs around the house. BUT he does get down time every night before I do because I will always do toddler tea, play, bath, bed (husband will come in and out), AND then I'll cook our dinner. So he might have had a nice sit down and be relaxed already by the time I stop around 8/8.30 to eat. I'm a pretty good cook and there's an expectation that we have "nice" dinners. I don't cook anything on a weeknight that would take longer than 30mins, but I think husband would complain if I relied on pasta/stir-fry/super-quick stuff too often. I prefer it when we manage to eat early all together as that means more time in the evening for me to rest/relax/do jobs/do something for myself, but time-wise that’s difficult to fit in and impossible to maintain the same meals. Husband does workouts at home and goes to the gym a couple of times a week. At the weekends we generally have some family time going out somewhere all together, then I’ll spend the rest of the time with our boy and husband gets some time to himself. We seem to have fallen into a routine where he doesn’t do much on his own with our toddler unless I specifically ask, so it feels like a bit of a struggle to get time to myself at the weekends. I get that this is somewhere to start the changes I need. ALSO husband is the one who wants to go to sleep by 9.30/10pm. If it were up to me I'd probably go to sleep at 10.30 and have an extra half hour down time.

Since becoming a mum I also really miss time alone, which might be influencing the way I feel. I am drained by constant time with other people but will go weeks without time to myself to decompress. Mithered at work, then full-on with toddler, then it feels like no time at all until bed.

Is this just the way it is with a small child? Other factors - being an older parent, having a full-on job, having my son want specifically me all the time. I’m very tired despite generally getting a good amount of sleep, and I’d just really like to see to my own needs a bit more. I used to be very fit (am not now) and I’m envious when I read of people on mumsnet going to the gym or for a run because I just think how? When? Practically, I tried doing a hiit before work (5.15 start) and it just woke up my boy early. And after dinner I am TOO tired, I’m afraid nothing will change that. I walk to work when I can but that doesn’t get me back to the fitness I had before. I’ve been looking at fitting in e.g. squats/starjumps when I use the toilet at work/brush my teeth etc. Not quite the same as having the gift of time for yourself.

Oh, BTW I have tried batch-cooking and never understood why it’s better to sacrifice 2+ precious weekend hours for mid-week gain.

Is everyone else’s life like this and you all just cope better than I do?? Do I have to accept that I need to cut down on sleep if I want to be fit? PLEASE tell me how you manage.

The AIBU is am I ACTUALLY as busy as I feel I am or am I unreasonably finding a normal life particularly difficult.

If you get one lie in at the weekend OP, presumably DH has the other, so he isn't doing anything impressive facilitating a 50/50 split there. If you got both of them, there might be a fairness argument that he should get more downtime in the evenings, but even then you're still not being fair to DS creating a situation where he's only happy with you doing bedtime.

Dh needs to bath/bed the toddler even if he makes a fuss, go out for a walk if you have to initially so he gets used to it.

Wrt cooking- whatever you are cooking just cook double and freeze/fridge it or eat it another night. You don't need to go sacrifice time at the weekend to batch cook. Dh also needs to cook regardless of his expectations (!)

Bed time- why can't you go up to bed when you like? As long as you aren't disturbing him by turning lights on and opening drawers or whatever I can't see the issue. Dh goes to bed early as he's up at 5am but I often stay up later and just crawl into bed in later.

Can your husband cook dinner while you do bath / bedtime? Or half half, you do bath and he takes over for a story? Is there an activity they could start on the weekend just the two of them?

I would say that's pretty normal with two parents working full time, it's the same in our house.

Only thing I'd say to change would be that your DH prepares and cooks the tea while you're doing bath and bed. Regardless of whether you're the better cook or not, some quick teas made by him wouldn't hurt! Tell him you'll cook the nicer teas on a weekend.

Thanks for batch-cooking tips. Perhaps I should re-look at what I was cooking the last time I tried that took so long. Also, our toddler LOVES to help out in the kitchen so yes that could double as an activity. Also cooking more food than needed - I often do that though we've eaten the leftovers for lunch so not helped with dinners. Could rethink.

Someone asked what we eat? Mostly veggie, last night I did palak paneer. 30 mins but all on the hob, chopping, blending etc. Would be much better shoving something in the oven.

Working hours - yes I do full-time hours over 4 days, my husband does 4 days part-time. And his job doesn't go outside of those standard hours whereas mine often does (it does also have the flexibility to allow me to e.g. go on mumsnet if we do get downtime when ignoring the paper I should be writing like now).

Thanks for helping me to see where I can make the changes, just need to implement it now. I'm feeling motivated!

I think you should discuss it with your husband in terms of you feeling overwhelmed, and not hide behind "I need to squeeze exercise into my already packed schedule" as an excuse. Exercise may well be part of the solution but don't present it as the main problem.

I would suggest alternating cooking and bedtime, or 2 days of each then swap. Or maybe have a weekly rota where one of you does Mon-Wed and the other Thu-Sun. Set your toddler's expectations - after tea, tell him who is doing bedtime, or even put a little timetable up. He will adjust to the new routine, your DH just needs to commit to it and you need to leave them both to it. In fact you could break the back of it by having him do bedtimes entirely for a couple of weeks.

If your DH wants fancier meals, he can cook them on his days. Get him to wash up a bit as he goes along if they are going to create extra washing up.

If him cooking really doesn't work because he's back home later than you, then how about he cooks Sat and Sun, and makes double on Sun so that Monday is basically covered? Do renegotiate your evenings, one way or the other. It's important to look after your mental health.

Yes no one sits down rule is v good. At 6:30 pm in this house everyone gets into action. The kids tidy their living space with the help of one parent who tidies the living room. I do the kitchen and load the dishwasher and any laundry. If it’s exceptionally dirty then one of us hoovers quickly. This honestly takes 10-15 mins. Only when this is all done do the kids go upstairs.

And yes don’t go back to doing everything on mat leave. When I was on mat leave DH did more than I did. My job was to feed the baby and keep it alive (which is only partly in jest, he was quite poorly at birth). He woke up, did all the laundry, made me a sandwich for lunch, tea and toast for breakfast, emptied the dishwasher and got DS1 ready. I fed and changed DS2. Handed over to DH. Had a shower, ate tea and toast and packed the changing bag. He then dropped DS1 off to school. I did the afternoon school run. And made dinner for DS1. Although we batch cooked so it was often not very difficult. On weekends he took both kids and between 8-11 pm he did all night wakings so I could get a solid stretch of sleep between 7-12ish. Honestly DH slept less than I did on mat leave because he slept roughly 11-5:30 (woke up to do chores) and didn’t get to nap in the day. I did have to look after a medically fragile baby (fine now) and do the afternoon school run and manage the tricky 3-6 pm with two kids with a big age gap. You really really really need to get your DH to see the big picture before you get pregnant.

Single working mum. Absolutely no family support. Life is very busy.

But I suppose the difference is at I LOVE being very busy. I am ruthlessly organised to an extreme extent, which is just my personality rather than something I have to work at. I fit in exercise early- I run at 6.30 and then yoga at the weekend and one mid week on my day off.

So you’re day really doesn’t look that bad to me at all but as I say - I love it like that and no reason to change. You don’t enjoy it so something needs to change.

Plus it’s wonderfully liberating not to have to factor in another adult! Just me and two two. Our little gang

Btw we are Indian, I batch cook Indian food and freeze it. I make a big tomato sauce and freeze it (for pasta sauce and fajitas). And DH makes a couple of Thai curries on the weekend that we freeze. Enough for the whole week.

In that case OP he should've been chopping last night. Fine if you're better at spicing and putting it together, I'm the one with that skill in our house too, but he can surely chop veggies and chillies.

To echo much of what others have said, you need to sort your evening routine out.

My husband and I alternate bedtime every other night, in fact he does 4 and I do 3. He actually does more so on his 4 bedtimes he does bathtme as well as reading and bed, on my 3 I don't bath but just do the reading/bed. ;-)

Whoever isn't on bedtime is tidying up the house and cooking dinner. When it's your husbands' turn he'll soon realise why you want to be doing quicker dinners mid week.

We both work full time compressed hours, so have one week day each at home where we can prep a meal during the day, catch up on more jobs/errands etc.

This structure also allows us both to do hobbies during the evening. I go out to pilates and ballet class after work on two non bedtimes and my husband has piano class on another day.

It's very structured but importantly it also feels equal. Some of my mum friends take far too much on doing school drop off/pick up, all evening meals, bedtime, when their husband then walks in and asks 'whats for dinner?!' I don't bloody think so.

Sorry, but you need to be selfish and build up a routine that also works for you. The pay off is well worth it!

Well, why does your toddler get to choose who does what? Of course he'll prefer you if you're constantly available! Put a stop to that.

And as for the elaborate tea nonsense: if he wants it he can make it. Why on earth are you doing all the child-work and the cooking?

I work pretty similar hours to you although my kids are older. I would recommend you insist on taking a lunch break, just for a break from your work even if only 20 mins. I’m lucky I work next to a park and I make sure I get out if only for 15 mins at lunch as it really stops the cabin fever of being tied to my work.
Your DH needs to step up too on the bedtimes & bath time too. We use a slow cooker and have a pizza and a takeaway to stop as much cooking in the evening - but my DH pulls his weight with that too.

Just to add, sometimes this is much about the way the two of you are treating each other. My DH will take the children out at the weekend so I get a bit of down time, or one of us will take DC to the supermarket with them, or drop one at a party and take the other out to the park, to give the other a bit of a break. I do most of the day to day stuff with DC but just knowing that he makes an effort to give me downtime helps in itself IYSWIM. He tries to cook at weekends to give me a break. I don't mind doing it sometimes, because I know he will do it when he can, whereas I would feel much more put upon and resentful if I were doing it because he was taking me for granted. With your DH going to the gym etc and you doing cooking and bedtimes, it does sound rather like you are being taken for granted. Him(or rather, you both) treating your time off as as important as his, is more important than who actually cooks dinner or empties the dishwasher.

Agree that you should try all eating earlier. One person occupy dc while the other cooks. Eat together at 6 or 6.30pm, then one person clean up while the other does dc bath/bed. By 7.30pm dc is in bed and it's relaxation time for both parents. This is what I do.

and at your husband complaining about "simple" meals when he can't or won't cook himself. Newsflash DH, now we have this new thing called the internet there's really no such thing as "can't cook". Google "x food recipe" or even just "dinner recipe" and there you go.

Why are you always cooking 2 dinners.
Cook one and eat together,
Why are you always the one to cook
Why is he not doing his fair share with his son
Why is he not doing his fair share with cooking
Why is he hogging all the spare time at the gym and not giving you half the time to do as you please
Why does he decide what time you go to bed
I don’t like the sound of your husband at all.
I think he’s not pulling his weight ,he’s demanding and unfair

I could have written your post OP. My life is exactly the same. I’m also an academic and I’m seriously thinking of resigning as the pressure is just too much now. There’s never enough time in work to do any actual research or marking so I have to try to cram it into home hours. I have no advice and I should probably head off to academics’ corner to moan there!

Sorry my comment was just rubbish, I missed some of your comments before I posted!

#cancelthecheque

No DC here, but I teach in HE and my DP also has a demanding job. We have a little blackboard we meal plan on (it came from Amazon and has the days of the week on it) and do that on a Sunday. We always aim for a couple of super-easy nights, so something like a pre-made quiche, jacket potato and salad, and I always do an extra if I make something like chilli which we can take out of the freezer. Friday nights we have a cheat-y dinner, like something from M&S or a takeaway, and Saturday we always do something fancier because there's more time. We also split the cooking roughly 50:50, even if we do a lot of easy stuff!

Cook just one dinner for all of you as early as possible, whoever is cleaning up after/pop on a wash and tidy house the other one does bath and bedtime with toddler. This would free up at least one hour an evening for you to either exercise or rest.

Dh needs to be far more. A break for you of three hours at least every weekend, dh takes toddler to an activity of some kind, so you can exercise and rest.

Keep meals under 30 minutes from start to finish.

Do not have any more children, it becomes even harder with more than one.

Dinner should be alternately cooked by you and dh obviously.

I think husband would complain if I relied on pasta/stir-fry/super-quick stuff too often

Perfect opportunity to invite him to cook more complicated things himself. You seem very anxious about even the possibility of your husband being unhappy with something (like waking him up if you come to bed later). He seems less concerned about making you happy.

To those saying 'insist on a lunch break' that just doesn't work if there is literally no-one else to pick up any of your work. Sounds lovely, but very far from reality for lots of us.

My advise is to get your husband to pull his weight and not leave cooking to you every night. Secondly to use exercise as your me time instead of resting and watching TV in evening do a walk a run or even a fitness dvd at home. Your life does sound manageable.

I do a lot more than you as my DH works long hours and can’t help. I also have no family support, work full time and have a chronic illness too. My advice is do not have another child if you can’t cope now. I have an only (not through choice) and that is the reason I can manage (and a cleaner once a week). People who say ‘it gets easier’ I don’t agree. I found the baby years much easier than age 4 onwards.