Is my life actually too busy or am I just not coping?

[tenderoni]

I'd really appreciate some opinions. I feel like I'm constantly on the go, I never prioritise my needs, and I struggle if I have to fit in anything on top of 'normal life' (like when work gets really busy, or even something that should be nice, like booking a holiday). I'd really like to fit in regular exercise and eat better but I can't for the life of me see how. I just feel busy busy busy (and not in an "I'm so important and I’m showing off" type of way, more like it's affecting my mental health and wellbeing). I'll try to include relevant details.

I have a toddler, a husband, a full-time academic job (compressed hours so that I can spend a day a week with my son). My husband works 4 days and spends one day a week with our boy. I'm late 30s, and we're also trying to conceive number 2. Our wider family love spending time with our son, but don’t have him on their own, they’re not really close enough to babysit unless it’s an emergency. I've had busy periods at work where I've had to pick up work again after my son is in bed - I find that really hard. We've had some bad periods of night-waking but that all seems fine now. My worry is that I'm still finding even normal life very hard when work isn't ridiculous and our son is sleeping through.

WORKING DAYS:
5.45 - get up, get dressed and showered, while entertaining toddler (if he’s awake)
6.45 - leave for work, start work at 7.30 (husband does breakfast and drop-off)
NO lunchbreak – I do have a bit too much on at work and we’re trying to sort this.
4.45 - leave work, pick up toddler, play, tea etc.
6/6.30 - wind down for bath, bed
7/7.30 - toddler in bed, start dinner
8/8.30 - eat dinner with husband, watch TV or do jobs, or both if online shop etc.
9.30/10 - bed

NON-WORKING DAYS
Wake around 6.30, play, lunch etc.
Toddler does nap for up to 1hr 15 mins. I'll either do jobs or sit and read/watch TV/rest.

We have a cleaner every 2 weeks which is fab and reduces those jobs massively. My toddler VERY much prefers me, which means if I'm in the house I'm expected by both husband and toddler to be involved in anything toddler-related. Toddler is 2.5 and really not into independent play so pretty full-on.

Husband doesn't do 50/50 partly due to toddler-preference, but we have a reasonable split of jobs around the house. BUT he does get down time every night before I do because I will always do toddler tea, play, bath, bed (husband will come in and out), AND then I'll cook our dinner. So he might have had a nice sit down and be relaxed already by the time I stop around 8/8.30 to eat. I'm a pretty good cook and there's an expectation that we have "nice" dinners. I don't cook anything on a weeknight that would take longer than 30mins, but I think husband would complain if I relied on pasta/stir-fry/super-quick stuff too often. I prefer it when we manage to eat early all together as that means more time in the evening for me to rest/relax/do jobs/do something for myself, but time-wise that’s difficult to fit in and impossible to maintain the same meals. Husband does workouts at home and goes to the gym a couple of times a week. At the weekends we generally have some family time going out somewhere all together, then I’ll spend the rest of the time with our boy and husband gets some time to himself. We seem to have fallen into a routine where he doesn’t do much on his own with our toddler unless I specifically ask, so it feels like a bit of a struggle to get time to myself at the weekends. I get that this is somewhere to start the changes I need. ALSO husband is the one who wants to go to sleep by 9.30/10pm. If it were up to me I'd probably go to sleep at 10.30 and have an extra half hour down time.

Since becoming a mum I also really miss time alone, which might be influencing the way I feel. I am drained by constant time with other people but will go weeks without time to myself to decompress. Mithered at work, then full-on with toddler, then it feels like no time at all until bed.

Is this just the way it is with a small child? Other factors - being an older parent, having a full-on job, having my son want specifically me all the time. I’m very tired despite generally getting a good amount of sleep, and I’d just really like to see to my own needs a bit more. I used to be very fit (am not now) and I’m envious when I read of people on mumsnet going to the gym or for a run because I just think how? When? Practically, I tried doing a hiit before work (5.15 start) and it just woke up my boy early. And after dinner I am TOO tired, I’m afraid nothing will change that. I walk to work when I can but that doesn’t get me back to the fitness I had before. I’ve been looking at fitting in e.g. squats/starjumps when I use the toilet at work/brush my teeth etc. Not quite the same as having the gift of time for yourself.

Oh, BTW I have tried batch-cooking and never understood why it’s better to sacrifice 2+ precious weekend hours for mid-week gain.

Is everyone else’s life like this and you all just cope better than I do?? Do I have to accept that I need to cut down on sleep if I want to be fit? PLEASE tell me how you manage.

The AIBU is am I ACTUALLY as busy as I feel I am or am I unreasonably finding a normal life particularly difficult.

Why is your DH dictating your bedtime?

I often go to bed earlier than DH and half the time to don't even hear him come up .

Definitely agree with others that your DH needs to be either doing bath/ bed or dinner- not fair that you do both!

I used to work pt, and I love to cook, we always had "nice" meals. Now I work ft DH has had to roll his sleeves up and get on with it! Meal standards have dropped somewhat, but we are all still alive! If he can read a recipe, he can cook. If you plan, buy in the food and leave him the recipe he has no excuse! but I would encourage him to get involved in the bath/ bed too.

I like to stay up later than my DH. No way am I sleeping in a separate room! And no way am I going to bed when it suits him! It is possible to come in quietly (he might moan, but then he sometimes wakes me when he gets up earlier!) I love staying up later than everyone else- that is my alone time, and my family understand that!

I think husband would complain if I relied on pasta/stir-fry/super-quick stuff too often

Your husband needs to learn how to cook, and pick up bed/bath times 50/50. That's the only way to help change the toddler preference.

He also need to take toddler out for 1:1 time at the weekend to give you a break.

In short, your DH is getting away with the life of Riley and he needs a boot up the arse. This has just become 'normal' for you but it really shouldn't be.

Why are you trying for baby No. 2 when you're exhausted?

I take time for me. Whether that is walking the dogs, going out with my camera, going for a swim. Stuff what else needs doing. Sometimes my needs are more important.

You can be a martyr to your life, or you can enjoy living it and I mean that kindly.

Honestly, this is all so helpful.

@nc100 I think it's a bit harsh to say I don't want to take on the advice, but I get that I might be giving that impression - not my intention. The bedtime thing I accept is partly me but I appreciate the suggestion that he could go later a couple of nights a week, I hadn't thought of that. And I'm not shooting down any other suggestions!

@Girliefriendlikescake also feels a bit harsh to say I'm being a martyr but unfortunately for me that is probably because it's struck a nerve!

I agree with everyone who has noted that I have helped to cause this situation. My reason for posting is that I have been feeling stuck and couldn't see the way out. All these responses are really helping. It might seem really obvious to you who've kindly responded but honestly that's one of the reasons why I've posted - I haven't had the energy or brain space to see a way to change this.

Some things that I won't change - I won't reduce my hours at work. I like my job but it's demanding and I imagine going part-time would mean me being paid less for the same amount of work. I'm not going to wait to TTC, but I'm hoping we can address these issues in the meantime.

Yes it does sound knackering. As said above by spring that is partly because you are doing a demanding academic job. And as said by others your husband really isn't pulling his weight. We did a similar compressed working pattern when my twins were small - both working four days with a day off for childcare. It was tiring due to the long days. Things that helped were on the at home day we would cook food for the rest of the week - or at least something to last a couple of days. We also used it to catch up on housework. You doing both bedtime and bathtime isn't fair. As you say that gives you no evening downtime. Is toddler really dirty enough to need a bath every night? I did end of bedtime with ours as they breastfed but dh would have alternated on bath and story and would have cooked while i was doing the last bit. If dh is going to moan about plain meals he can learn to cook. Quite often on weekdays we'd have quick stuff like beans on toast. Toddlers can be clingy but if you can encourage independent play it will be easier - Janet Lansbury has sone good articles on this (although i think i had it easy on this as mine always had each other to play with). Also you need to have a break at lunch - maybe a walk if you are struggling to fit exercise in elsewhere - we've recently done mental health training and they really emphasised the importance of this.

I think your DH could cook a couple of times a week. Otherwise I think it's not a bad balance. Your DH has a day a week with your toddler and does all the nursery drop offs (which I found far more stress-inducing than a pickup). If you can just factor in an exercise session and lunch breaks life could seem pretty good.

I see you are TTC. Did you feel like you do now when you made that decision because a new baby will only increase your time pressures?

I agree with the others you need to get your toddler used to spending some time with you and some with Dad. He goes to nursery so he must be able to do it - he's just not used to it. I bet if you start then my bet would be that within a week it will be fine.

We split like this:

• OH leaves for work very early (6.30) so he can leave on time.
• I get up about 7, get the kids (5 and 2) up and dressed and take DD to school at 8.40 - get into work about 9.30.
• After school OH gets home for 6.30 to take over childcare. I try to get home by 7 to help with bedtime. OH goes out to his hobby one night a week. I don't go out to hobbies but sometimes go out for a drink with a friend or work late.
• If we're both home we do joint bath (if it's bath night), then one of us does DS (2) and one does DD (5) pyjamas and stories. Whoever is doing DS then makes dinner while the other one finishes with DD.
• Whoever is cooking will start by about 7.45 and between cooking, making DD's sandwich and tidying (or sometimes put a load of washing on) we're probably done with bedtime and dinner made by 8.30. Our normal meal is something like chops, pasta, soup, pan fried salmon, ready made curry or something similarly quick and low maintenance.
• That all gives us up to about an hour to eat, watch TV, chat, and then at 9.30 we'll wash up, hang out the washing if we've run a load, unload the dishwasher if needed, do some prep for the next day, go to bed, read, I might do some work for an hour or two - whatever is needed. Usually in bed by 10.30 but if work is busy it could be 12 or 12.30. It is a bit relentless, but unless work is really mad it's doable and often fun.

DD (5) has a bit of a preference for me, and will sometimes fuss if she's had a hard day and wants me to do her story but it's OH's turn - but we just stick to routine and it's fine.

I don't think you can make 2 work practically speaking unless your DH is going to pull his weight a bit more and get less picky about meals and bedtime. Your DS will presumably drop naps soon too (though he should start to get more independent in his play as well which will help).

If your OH is a really light sleeper so you can't share a bed on nights you want to go to bed later then you need to get a better mattress for the spare room so you both get a really good night's sleep either way.

Like spring if we have a quiet weekend then one of us will sometimes do some batch cooking or baking with the kids, which gives the other one a bit of down time.

As I said above, I do sometimes end up working from home after bedtime and it is really knackering. Does your DH do that too, or is it just you? If it's just you then he needs to help with doing more of the laundry/dishwasher/packing DS's nursery bag type jobs when you're in those periods.

Your DH would complain if you relied too much on pasta and stir fry?

Fuck that.

Let him cook.

we're also trying to conceive number 2.

I think you need to sort this out before you think about another baby.

You could end up with PND and put you in a worse position.

I think this post has been helpful for lots of people. But why do you want to bring a 2nd child into the mix? I hear that you enjoy your job, but can't see how you'll cope to keep all plates in the air once another baby comes along. Can you verbalise how you see things with a baby? Who will do what and when?
Is your husband on board with a 2nd child at this point?

We have a similar schedule but a slightly older child. It does to some extent get easier as they get older but here are a few things that have helped us.

Eat a decent meal at lunchtime so you can have something on toast or cheese and biscuits 2-3 nights mid week. On the other days limit cooking to reheating leftovers (cook extra at the weekends and freeze) or something very simple like pasta. When you do cook midweek one of you sorts dinner while the other does bedtime.

Ignore toddler preference for one parent. They all do it. It's a stage. There is no need to perpetuate it.

Exercise has been the one I've found most difficult. I always went to the gym after work pre-baby but if I do that now I would never see her. But once she's in bed and I've eaten it would be too late for me to do anything aerobic. I've started doing YouTube yoga for 20-30 mins before bed and something a bit more vigorous at the weekend. I'm less fit that before but at least it's something.

When I met my DH he was in his 30s. he could barely microwave a ready meal. One day I came home and he had made a delicious complicated meal. apparently he just 'followed the recipe'
He now makes nicer meals than me. So your husband's choice is to either get more involved with bedtimes whilst you do the dinner, make something quick and easy whilst you do bedtimes or follow a recipe (if he tries the same 2 or 3 things he will get better at them).
Also, he does not get to tell you when to go to bed.

Op l think you should each have a full half day on a weekend to do your own thing and the other looks after your son.

Your DH is perfectly capable and your boy will have a better bond with his father as a result.

So Dh gets up with DS QUIETLY on either sat or sun am, leaving you free to do whatever you want, ie lie in bed or go and exercise/see a friend/go clothes shopping etc until AFTER lunch say 1.30pm.
Then you swop, DH gets his time to do exactly what he wants for the afternoon...or the other way around if that suits you better.
Guard the arrangement with your life, make it totally non negotiable.
Then the other weekend day is family time.

Also if DH does not want to equally share the cooking, then every other day do a good quality instant meal... do 3 nights a week with frozen meals from COOK with fresh vegetables. Take out of freezer and pop in oven for 50 minutes serve with steamed vegetables...whole actual time taken is less than 15 minutes effort.

Also take 2 evenings to go out with a friend so DH learns to manage bedtimes without you, if you are tired just have a coffee, but be out.

DH will soon realise how hard and unfait it is on you, and DS will get better at being with his dad if you are not there.

If you don't sort this before no 2 you will be run into the ground and very unhappy. Good luck!

I'm pretty appalled at your DH. Is he an emperor or something?

Go to bed when you

Two academic parents here working FT. Your DH is taking the piss. This ‘toddler preference’ is bollocks.
He can do bath or cook.
He can’t expect Michelin style dinners.
Tell him to wake up and entertain the toddler while you get ready.

DH here wakes up and takes both kids (7 and 2). Makes breakfast and gets them ready for school and nursery. I have a shower and get ready. I put away breakfast/unload the dishwasher while he gets ready. I drop one to nursery, he drops one to school.

I do the bulk of the pick ups. But he does 1 sometimes 2 a week. He cooks on weekends. He does laundry. He does the bins. He does 50% of the bathtime and if I am doing bathtime he loads the dishwasher and tidies up downstairs. Maybe folds the laundry.

If I am away at conferences he looks after the kids solo. No complaints. And vice versa. I always sleep before him and he stays up late and works. He always gets up first on the weekends and makes breakfast for everyone (he travels a bit more so there are mornings where I do it solo). I don’t have to tell him to do stuff, he does it. I can’t imagine a scenario where I am doing chores and he’s in front of the TV.

Stop cooking elaborate meals. Cooking needs to be shared 50/50. You don’t need to entertain a toddler. Cartoons in the morning are fine. Husband needs to do more at night and don’t go to bed together. Other than that, I’d say it’s probably just normal. Not overly busy in my opinion

You already have lots of advice.

My advice would be to absolutely resolve the lunch break issue at work. THIS can then be your exercise time.

Ah posted too soon.

Go to your own bed when you want. If he wakes up or gets precious about it then he can go to the other bed.

One of you should be dealing with toddler while the other one cooks dinner. He complains that his meal is boring but won't cook one himself?!?

He has so much free time and you have none. Spell it out for him. He is getting X free time for exercise a week, Y free time for relaxing at home etc. It should be equal!

You're letting DH and the toddler's preferences dictate your life. You are also a member of your family! Where are you in this?

A couple of suggestions to get your DS happier to be withDH. Have a couple of fun toys that he can only play with when DH is with him. “Daddy’s toys”. And find some ba5 fizzes that change the colour of the bathwater or something fun for the bath, and save them for just Daddy baths.

Also make sure that you alternate lie ins at the weekend. DH gets Saturday until 9am and you get Sunday until 9am. A lie in means no one coming into the bedroom for anything less than burns or blood, and the responsible parent has to get up at the first sound no matter what. Any infringements should be called out the first time.

Well the baby and toddler years are very difficult. It does get easier. However, you have my sympathies. As others have said, you need to do something about the bath/dinner thing. And who clears up tbt kitchen after dinner? If it's your DH doing it alone, then I would feel a little better about your doing bath/dinner alone.

Can you at least get DH to do prep for dinner? He may then move onto actually cooking. And get home to do most/all go clearing up?

Also, I would cook simpler meals. It doesn't mean they are less tasty or nutritious.

It's very important you have some time to yourself and you want to get fit. How about going for a run or gym session at weekends? Your DH and DC will then have some bonding time too.

I don't batch cook whole meals but I never make bolognese sauce, for example, without doubling the portions and putting half of it in the freezer. Something like that is no extra effort. Also not sure why pasta / stir fries don't meet your husband's food expectations? What do you normally cook?

As others have said your dh needs to be pulling his weight. He is basically being lazy. I understand your toddler wants you but that will not change unless you change it plus if you do have a 2nd child it’s not realistic for your toddler to keep you to himself.

I personally would reconsider having a 2nd child just now as believe me it’s far more exhausting having 2 than 1.

Also I would do the following:

1.You make tea early for all off you. If Dh isn’t home he can eat it later. It’s good for your child to learn to eat together as a family as it promotes day to day family conversation.

1. If your dh wants elaborate meals he knows where the kitchen is. If he won’t make them he eats what you cook or he starves. Stop pandering to him he isn’t a child.

1. Your morning seems ok although it’s an early start I am guessing there isn’t much you can do about that.

1. Use a slow cooker for some of your meals, make extras and freeze them so you just have to take things out to defrost the night before.

1. Can you take a lunch break? Do your best too.

1. You take alternative nights in bathing and putting to bed your toddler. On his nights leave the house if you have too and go to a friends or the gym but do NOT help. It’s his child he needs to learn to do these things too.

1. Can you afford to increase the cleaners hours slightly?

1. Does your dh do things like make beds etc? Seen as he is out the door later than you he should do.

1. Alternate weekends he gets up one morning you get up the next. He takes your toddler out to the park one weekend and you do it the next.

10. Go to bed when you please not when he wants you too. Your not a child he doesn’t dictate your bedtime. Me and dh rarely go to bed at the same time he is a night owl and I like to be asleep early.

I am out of the house 8.15-5.45 mon-fri, I do most of the cooking, most meals from scratch, we all (two children) eat together, usually done by 7pm-7.15pm. Then I walk the dog, two nights the children have activities, two nights in the week I go to the gym, two nights my husband and I go for a run. We have no cleaner, no gardener etc. We do jobs round the house, help children with homework etc until about 9-9.15pm and go to bed just after 10pm.

It sounds like more team work required from your husband. If you're sorting out your DS, he needs to get the dinner on. If he doesn't want to cook then he needs to sort the baby out. You're doing more than he is and that's not fair when you're also working full time. Where's your free time to chill in the evening or go workout a couple of times a week?

He needs to step up and do more, including some family admin as well as spend more time with his son as that will really improve their relationship. How is this all going to pan out when no 2 comes along, are you going to reduce your hours at work because you'll be even more frazzled than you are now? That needs to be worked out now before you get to breaking point.